Hurt feelings.....

incognitomomSeptember 8, 2011

Ds13 really hurt my feelings tonight. He was in trouble for being disprespectful. His punishment was that his later bedtime was revoked and he had to go to bed an hour earlier. Before bed he came to me and apologized for being disrespectful but then proceeded to make excuses for it. I thanked him for the apology, but told him that if he means it then instead of making excuses he will work on not being rude or disrespectful in the future. So he started in telling me how "stressed" he is because of school, etc.

Then he goes into telling me how his dad is his best friend in the whole world and the only person besides his friends he enjoys being around. He tells me how his dads house is so calm because he gets to just chill all the time there. I ask him what he thinks he is doing each night when he is playing video games, watching movies with me, or playing games with me each night before bed?? EVERY night before the kids head to bed I play games with them that they enjoy!

So ds just tells me how wonderful his dad is. bla bla bla

I am so hurt right now!!! His dad is not stable and moves a lot and always lives with people. For the past few years he takes him overnight maybe once a month. Other times he will just take him for a day. Of course its fun time!! Its a school, homework, chores, sports practice, etc. On days he is at home and we have nothing going on its chill and he gets to relax. But during the weekdays its just a little hectic. Thats life. But he equates it with me and its somehow my fault?

I know its a teenage perspective and I should take it with a grain of salt.....but it hurts. I am the one who has ALWAYS been there for him and does all I can for him. I have made sacrifices for him while his dad has always been free to live his life as he wants. And somehow his dad comes out as the good guy :(

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At 13, maybe he is trying to find his identity & wants some reassurance that his dad is a good guy. He may know deep down that you are the one he can rely on & the stable place but kids usually identify with their same sex parent to help guide them into who they are going to be as adults. He is a part of his dad so maybe he does not want to think his dad is not wonderful. He may also be feeling a need to have a closer relationship with his dad at this age. I know my son's father cut off contact with him when he was around 12 & that was probably the time in his life that he needed "male" guidance. (In my son's case, it would have been more detrimental to have his father involved because he was involved in drugs, abusing his wife & committing thefts which eventually landed him in prison) But, if your son has a decent relationship with his dad, he may want to glorify it a little. Kids don't want to see their parents in a bad light ever... even when they come to the ugly truth & realization that their parent is a piece of garbage, they would rather make excuses or find someone to blame besides the garbage parent. I'm sure there are exceptions but it is usually into adulthood that kids see their parents for what they are/were... usually after the kids have their own kids & realize they would never do what their parents did to them.. to their own kids.

I'm sorry it hurt your feelings but I'm sure your kids know who does what for them. But, would you really want any of your kids to tell you how horrible their dad is? My daughter's father met her for the first time when she was 12 & wanted to start seeing her. She was so excited that she was finally going to meet him & get to know him. He flaked on the first visit, left us waiting there for two hours with a lie, until we found out he was really in another state & had no intention of seeing her. She was devastated. He tried to contact her again when she was 17 & they talked several times. Then she found out that he was keeping her a secret from his wife & kids, after he told her they knew about her. (well, his wife knew about my daughter from the beginning but they never told their kids they had an older half sister) That one lie was enough to sever the trust and my daughter decided he was a lying S.O.B ~ P.O.S. BUT, when she tells me how she really feels about him, it's with tears in her eyes and her pain is my pain... as much as I don't like him, I wish he'd be a better person for HER. If she came & told me what a great guy he was for doing something.. no matter how small, I would feel good about it because she feels good about it.

    Bookmark   September 9, 2011 at 1:41AM
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I saw a bit of that when my SGS was here a few weeks ago. He had spent the whole summer with SS and was on his way home to BM. I could not help but think SGS was in for hard adjustments when he got home. SS was Super Dad aka Best Friend all summer and now he was going home to routines, different expectaions and a BM with a different lifestyle than SS.

No more staying up late with Dad. No more having breakfast each morning at the coffee house and hanging to talk the town gossip and/or latest fishing tales. No more jumping on the motorcycle and cruising all weekend with no real plans, just doing whatever the day brought. SS could spend all summer with his work schedule just being Fun Dad and SGS was included in Dad's 'social life' almost as a little equal.

Well of course the SGS thought Dad was the bestest papa ever, especially at this age (he's 14), what young teen would not think doing what and when one pleases was preferable to having to share attention with siblings. Follow household chores and remember there are 'ladies' in the household.

Don't get me wrong, SS is a good father and SGS is a great kid, but he really is living two different lifestyles and I'm sure he compares one home to the other, one parents expectations vs the others ect. It's just little things for now, but I think another year or two SGS will have a bit of a rough spell sorting it all out. Dad just got him his own phone, BM did not think he needed one. Dad has a cycle waiting for SGS, BM hates bikes. Bm thinks (and is planning for) SGS going to college, Dad thinks SGS should do the military like he did (though college funds are in place should SGS decide college after HS)

Though I'm glad SGS has a good relationship with his father and that SS is a concerned involved parent, I can't help thinking that SS makes being BM hard for BM and for the first time I can see that if I were BM I'd want to smack dad off his high horse and to try and stop making things more difficult for BM when SGS is home.

I don't have any advice or suggestions for you IncMom other than I don't think your son's feeling about his dad really reflect on anything you've done or not done...I think it's something perhaps all teen boys going back and forth between homes kinda face. I don't think it's anything personal about you or your parenting skills/ability and I'm sorry what your son said hurt your feelings.

    Bookmark   September 9, 2011 at 7:00AM
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I'm so sorry.

So often, it seems like dads get the glory & moms get the get-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-hold-kid's-head-while-he-pukes-&-then-wash-sheets-at-1:30-AM part of the deal.

& then somehow what the child remembers is "When I was with dad, I had fun, & when I was with mom, I puked all night"!
I know a woman who raised her son all on her own, worked 2 & 3 jobs at a time to get him grown & get him through college, & to this day, her son, now in his forties, blames her for the fact that he feels like he deserved a better childhood.


Well, Dad wasn't around, so it can't be Dad's fault, right?

Understandable as it is, kids *will* milk it;
if complaining makes you relaz your rules or bring home more pizza & ice cream, that kid is going to complain!

to this day, Jan's son pushes her buttons.

In your shoes, I think I'd sit down with son & have a real heart-to-heart discussion about what goes on & why.

& you'll have to repeat it, because we remember what we want to, & dad is a lot more fun than mom.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   September 9, 2011 at 1:59PM
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I agree with everyone. Such great examples shared as well.

Imma. I really have nothing to offer because I have not dealt with it on a large scale. I am just sending Huggs.

I am actually the more desired parent because my Dd appreciates the running around that we do for her, the games we play, the rare night of movie night and pop corn and she enjoys having help with homework or someone to share her art work with.
At Dad's, it's all about stepsister. All the running, all the shopping, all the fuss and Dd feels left out but forced to participate. Dad and Sm are over the top with their 'rules' and expectations in their house. She walks on eggshells not knowing what to say or how to feel. She Goes to bed feeling lonely and just wanting to come home. So she never says what a great time she had at Dad's; it's more like, I'm so grateful for my own room, my own things and for the notes you put in my lunchbox. She is only 10 and I highly suspect as a teenager, she will enjoy the $$ part of her dad's house and will be feeling the same way as your DS.

I know I'm lucky but i actually wished she had a fun dad. Wished he would put his Disney Dad hat back on sometimes. Ugh I'm about to post a vent about them so you can just get what I'm trying to say from that.

My mom always said it hurt so much when we missed dad or when we talked about him non stop. I can understand that.

    Bookmark   September 9, 2011 at 10:27PM
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Incognito -- I'm sorry. I called you imma! Must have been my rage that i only picked up the 'i' and the 'mom'

    Bookmark   September 10, 2011 at 12:35AM
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