Wow... just Wow!

imamommySeptember 2, 2011

I guess yesterday was BM's birthday & SD called her but she (BM) couldn't talk because she was out to dinner at Applebee's. She said she would call her back but didn't. SD has been telling everyone all week (except me of course) that they are going camping this weekend. BM has also been telling DH all weekend that she made a payment to DCSS & asking if he got it yet?

Well, today he got it by direct deposit. $158. Last week, I sent her a text message telling her if she didn't pay me for the expenses I paid from my separate, personal accounts, that I was going to take her to court & she can explain to the Judge why she thinks it's okay to let me pay for HER daughter since she thinks I am "abusing" her kid. She told me she would send it Thursday. We'll see. LOL, I JUST got a text from her that she JUST got her check today & wants to know if I want her to give it to DH on Monday when he picks up SD. Um, no. Mail it... DH does not want to talk to her more than he needs to. (then she reminded me that Monday is a holiday so there's no mail... DUH!! It's LABOR day... those of us that work know all about it! JEEZ!!!)

Anyway, DH got the child support payment today. $158! And when BM's mother picked up SD from school & SD was informed the plans to go camping were canceled because BM has no money, SD apparently told BM what she thinks of it... told her that she just wants to sit around & do nothing all the time! Well, BM called DH and told him that she does not want SD this weekend if she's going to have that attitude & talk to her like that! DH says he told her that she needs to deal with her own daughter, told her that SD has a lot of resentment for her leaving, having the new baby... replacing her & not spending hardly any time with her... sending her to stay with BF's ex...etc. He gave no sympathy to BM & told her she created this problem, not him. So, SD went to BM's. (as if that isn't enough, one of BM's "prized" dogs died last week & she was waiting until SD got there to tell her)

Honestly, I don't know how to feel. I'm torn between sad for SD... another let down from her mom & her mom's answer is to push her further away when that's what caused the problem to begin with. On the other hand, BM is getting what she deserves... and there's a part of me that wants to get joy or at least satisfaction from that, but it's not there. Just sadness about the whole situation.

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If they would just get over it already and face it that their mothers are POS's and do not give a flying **** about them their lives would be so much easier ... I was feeling pretty good for standing my ground with SD and her mom just treated her even more badly ... SD is a burden to her mother...not the kid she thought she was molding ... (well she is but not to just to us to her too) ...

I feel the same way about my SD I feel badly for her but there is nothing I can do for her until she wants it for real .... I want to do all kinds of stuff with/for her but I know its of no use she will not appreciate any of it because her mother burned it into her brain that I am no good.

As I said in my post... I would be using the $158 to get her a ride to school when she realizes you do not want to be around her would rather pay someone or pay MIL to bring her :) I do not transport any of my SC anywhere it is so much easier for me...

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 1:10AM
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Is $158 the amount she is supposed to pay?

People completely amaze me. Parents who act this way, amaze me.

I just posted about the cancellations. It's so easy for these people to just make an excuse. I think my ex had plans with his family and they didn't want Dd to go along. Because then everyone would know that they are not the perfect little family because there is one white kid in the bunch. Long story but basically, stepmom and stepsister are 'darker' skinned and ex tans so he falls in line with them but Dd is super white/pale with blue eyes and white hair so she is the sore thumb... They don't like outsiders to see them as a 'step'family. So when Dd is around they think people will wonder, where did she come from? SM would hate for someone to mistaken her for a ....... Stepmom.


I know you feel sorry for your sd and I know from being an sd that her attitude isn't helping you to feel any more sorry for her. It's just sad. It's too bad that some parents don't have that umbilical cord unconditional love and affection and 'obligation' (using this term lightly) for their children. Of course. This is why she lives with you and not her umbilical cord provider.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 1:29AM
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"If they would just get over it already and face it that their mothers are POS's and do not give a flying **** about them"

They KNOW their "mothers" don't give a crap. They are probably going to spend their entire lives trying to change that & the mom's are going to take the abuse they taught their daughters to inflict. Then, when the daughter NEEDS them again to help raise the next generation of bad mother's, just like Grandma now helps BM now... probably out of guilt for being a bad mother to her. It's a very sad cycle because none of them are going to learn to be a good mother when the role model they have is crap... unless they CHOOSE to break the cycle. BM has proven, by having another baby that she schleps off on everyone else, that she hasn't learned anything. Hopefully the boy has a better role model in his father... but then again, his father hasn't made the best decisions either. He didn't want another kid.

"Is $158 the amount she is supposed to pay?"

She is supposed to pay $216 plus $100 per month for arrears. She owes about $3,000 in arrears. She had refused to pay a penny since she had her new baby a year and a half ago... so DH was pushing the DCSS to file contempt charges on her & the DA attorney has been "reviewing" the case for nearly two months with DH bugging them. My guess is that the DA dragged their feet & finally convinced her that DH wasn't going to let it go until she is in jail... and who is gonna take care of the baby? I would bet her boyfriend or mother is paying it so she doesn't go to jail. She says she is paying $158 every two weeks which totals $316 per month.

"they are not the perfect little family because there is one white kid in the bunch."

Wow! I don't even know what to say about that. My DGS2 is very light w/light brown, almost blond hair. I'm Mexican. I had people in my own family doubt his paternity to my son who is also dark. I hardly speak to anyone that was bold or rude enough to say something to me like that. How can a parent treat their own flesh & blood that way.

"I would be using the $158 to get her a ride to school when she realizes you do not want to be around her would rather pay someone or pay MIL to bring her :) I do not transport any of my SC anywhere it is so much easier for me..."

I wish. Unfortunately, we live in a rural area 7 miles from town where there are only two roads out. I work & SD goes to school on one road. DH takes the other road & drops DGS2 at daycare along his way. To change it would make me late for work everyday since I am there at 7am but the daycare starts at 7:30. Right now, I drop SD off at her bus stop a block from my office at 7am & DH drops DGS off at 7:30 because he doesn't have to be at work until 8:30. Grandma lives almost an hour away... the last thing I need is her daily involvement. For now, it's tolerable to drive her. She doesn't say a word to me and I have gotten better at thinking about anything that keeps my mind off her... I plan my day in my head, think of the funny things DGS does or says, think of work. I have noticed that in the morning, DH will give me a kiss goodbye. SD gives DH a hug & kiss, it may be my imagination but she seems to look for a reaction from me as she hugs him longer. The other day, DH & I were laughing, he kissed me & SD got in the car with arms crossed & staring out the window. Not very happy daddy & I were not fighting, that we were actually getting along.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 2:58AM
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-"And when BM's mother picked up SD from school & SD was informed the plans to go camping were canceled because BM has no money, SD apparently told BM what she thinks of it... told her that she just wants to sit around & do nothing all the time!"--

While I'm sure SD is disappointed no camping, the 'no money' part is going to once again be eventually blamed because of "Bad Ima". It's a matter of time this weekend before BM uses the excuse that if she didn't have to send CS they could have went camping and had a great time. It won't occur to the kid that the only reason they do get to go on camping trips is because BM choses to spend BM's money on self pleasure instead of usually sending CS...let's other people pay all the bills while she enjoys her weekends. Nope, won't occur to kid that her mother is a selfish unresponsible person. She'll have BM and that Gma shoving down her throat that 'we could have but...'.

Pretty rotten that BM did not call the child back. Kid gets told 'hey I'm busy enjoying myself out spending money eating dinner' and then does not get called back and finally gets slapped with 'no camping, Mom's broke'. It really has to set off emotions in the kid. A jumbled mess of who to blame and 'my life sucks'.

And the first time the kid shows 'tude' to the BM , BM wants to run and hide from it? Wants to bail out? Pfft. BM needs to realize that most mother's don't get to ship their kids off when things get tough. It'd be nice to think that perhaps after a weekend of the two of them growling at each other and some hard truths slung back and forth that SD just might appreciate the Dad/Ima who have gone the ultimate lenght to provide a home and needs and who just don't say 'off to your mothers for you'. Day in and day out they're there for the kid whether the kid likes it or not.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 6:23AM
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"Pretty rotten that BM did not call the child back. Kid gets told 'hey I'm busy enjoying myself out spending money eating dinner' and then does not get called back and finally gets slapped with 'no camping, Mom's broke'."

On top of that, it was BM's birthday. BM is out to dinner to celebrate HER birthday. Every year for the last four that SD's been with us, she has promised SD they will go do something for SD's birthday on her weekend. Then SD goes there for the weekend & BM does nothing. In fact, the first year BM left SD with BF's parents & went out to a party with BF the weekend she promised to make her a party. The ONE party BM came to, that I planned & paid for, BM was 40 minutes late, brought no gift & spent the whole time in the corner with BF & their new baby. When SD asked her to spend an hour alone after the party, BM said "NO, I have a long drive home & the baby is tired... I don't know how he's lasted THIS long." The baby was a month old. Another year, BM's mom picked up SD for her birthday to spend the day. SD had told us all the stuff they were going to do. They ended up doing NOTHING she thought they were going to do, BM took her to a pet store & then had her ask us if she can have a reptile. DH said no so once again, we are the bad guys because mom was gonna get her a pet & we said no. Then BM left early to go back home & left SD with grandma who tried to bring her back early & threw a fit when we weren't home... we had planned a day out because SD was supposed to be with her mom until 8 pm. So, there has been lots of tears on EVERY one of SD's Birthday's and here BM has a birthday & can't even take a call from her daughter... I'm sure that set off her emotions on top of the idea that mom has money for whatever mom wants... whatever baby needs... but when SD is looking forward to something, there's no money? And I would bet my last dollar that BM told her she has no money to go camping because she gave it all to daddy to avoid going to jail. I can even hear her say, "you're dad wants to put me in jail". BUT, SD also knows that BM spends money on other things & SD sees us working 7 days a week... heck the bus drops her off at my work so she literally sees how much we work. She knows her mom does not work and never has money, but finds money for what SHE wants. I would never tell SD anything bad about her mom, but she has heard me tell my unemployed son that needed money... that if you don't have money for what you need, GET A JOB!!!

It would be nice if SD would have an epiphany and realize all we do for her without any help from her mom (and deep down, I think she does know)... but all it does is reinforce that mom does nothing for her & she tries harder to get mom to do for her. I have given up hope on ever getting any appreciation from her for what we do. I think the problems between them have been there for a long time but she doesn't want us to know that so she tells us how much fun she has at mom's... all the fun stuff she gets to do there. Honestly, we don't do much fun stuff at our house because we are always working & for the last couple of years, SD's grades have been so bad we told her we are not taking time from work & spending money to go things when she won't even do her homework or turn it in. We won't reward a D/F student when she shows NO effort. Of course, that also makes us the boring meanies. SD usually does fun things at BM's but BM also has traded DH weekends a couple of times so she didn't have to take SD when she had plans... Fourth of July was one of them. BM went camping. SD was picked up by grandma & stayed with grandma until BM came back from camping.

SD's life is FUBAR but she doesn't WANT me for anything, except to make mom jealous. Now that I've disengaged as much as I can & DH told BM that SD treats me poorly, BM seems satisfied with that so it kinda ruins any plan SD might have to use me to make mom jealous. She used to tell BM how much fun we had together to get a reaction. When that didn't work... it was awful Ima is forcing me to _____. and still, that didn't work with BM after a while, so she moved on to grandma & gets her reaction there.

For the last year, I have agreed with SD & told her that if she wants to live with her mom, she should. I told her that it's not my decision, it's her mom's & dad's.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 9:34AM
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I'm really very surprised that sd has not figured out bm yet. Honestly shocked!

My Dd has been promised the moon and back starting mid February until summer came. They did nothing but swim all summer. No fancy vacation that was promised. No water park adventure. She was promised a trip to Lego land and the new aquarium. She was promised clothing and toys for her birthday. None of which took place. She prayers for weekly cancellations because she doesn't want to go anymore. She calls her dad a liar. He tells her she will get to participate in this or that with stepsister and then they cancel her weekend. It really shocks me that your sd isn't reacting the way my Dd is. The further away her dad pushes her, the closer she gets to my Dh (stepdad). Maybe because it's mom and not dad?? Do girls feel closer to their mom's 'maternally' so they have this dream that mom will some how change??

Holy hell, if I only received $316 a month, I think we would sink. I do not understand -- I know it's calculated off of their income but seriously? My ex does not make that much money but $316?? I don't know how that even begins to cover the cost of the kid... My daycare expense is more than that a month. Now I'm just b!tching. But really ?
And it's honestly a shame the DA isn't doing more to make sure that BM is held accountable for providing for her child. I guess if your Dh put SD on state assistance they would be more proactive in getting the child off of state assistance. But since it doesn't effect them, pfft they can drag their feet. Unbelievable.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 12:52PM
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I'm so sorry, for you & your hubs & your stepdaughter.

Even when people have the information & the experience that their mother is crummy, they/we still want our momma;
even when momma's the one hurting us, we want our momma.

My guess is that little mammals are wired that way.

My mother was an abuser, a narcissist, & a brilliant manipulator;
I was in my forties when it finally dawned on me that the woman I wanted to love me wasn't what God or the great universe had in mind when He/it created mommas...

& in my teen-aged years, I was angry & bitter & rebellious, & I didn't know why, & back then such "attitude" was always the kid's fault.

I'm glad for your stepdaughter's sake that you are in her life.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 1:02PM
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Ima.... I really do feel bad for your step daughter but she can't continue to treat you like she does. I can't believe she isn't seeing through her "mother" yet. Ds16... and ss bm both do a lot of cancels, drives me NUTS! I can't plan anything.

Myfampg.... I only get $264 for ds16 and $224 for ss... ds11 is supposed to get $345 but that includes arrears. I wish we were court ordered more then that but we just aren't. Oh well.

My ss bm said she sent $224 out Thursday. We shall see I guess. She still owes for at least 2 months plus one of those months had the 5 weeks... and I KNOW she won't send that out. She really thinks it's just 4 weeks every month. That's just how dumb she is.

I got a text last night from another mom... ss hangs out with her son (ds11 hangs out with her other son... so we are together a lot). She said ss told her son that next year for 6th grade he'd be back with his mom. I showed DH the text. We were at a football game... he immediately had me go get ss... he asked him about it. SS said he was just kidding. DH asked him if his mom was putting crazy things in his head.. he said no, I don't believe him. I know she tells him not to tell us stuff, so I know she's trying to turn him into a liar.... and against us. What kind of mother trys this hard to get her son to want to leave us..... the only way she'll get him back is to prove my dh unfit. She texts him everynight after 10. His bedtime is TV off by 9:30, so she's screwing that up. Plus, he's getting all A's now... B's with her, he's in a sport every season (by his choice) and he's got tons of friends. DH told ss last night that it'll be really hard for him to be able to go back to living with her and by doing so he wouldn't be able to get to do most things he gets to now. Like hanging out with friends at a football game. SS said he knew that and didn't want to live with her. SS also mentioned bm was going to be spending like $500 on his birthday. WTF!!!! She owes all kinds of support... she can't afford to spend that on him. Plus it's absurd.... birthdays don't need that kind of spending.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 2:17PM
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