momof3_stepof1September 14, 2011

I'm so defeated at this moment I don't even really want to type here or talk to anyone. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I guess I'm hoping someone can give me some advice.

When ss came home from the summer he had another picture of his ugly a$$ bm's face in a frame. That picture got put in the same place the other picture got put. Well, he found them the other day. I then picked them up and put them up in his closet. This morning my dh told me he asked about them. I told him they were in his closet and I didn't want them out. Then this afternoon dh said ss asked again and that I needed to put them back. I told him that I would NOT do that. I did NOT want them in my home where I had to see them. The woman gives us NOTHING but crap and I cannot look at her. He then told ss that he couldn't have his pictures because I didn't want him to. That when he told his mom this to tell her to call my phone and speak to me about it. I then tried to explain to ss that I didn't want pictures of ds16's bd here either. That bm would NEVER allow a picture of dh in her home and that I wouldn't allow a shrine of framed pictures of her in my home. I also explained that bm has repeatedly asked my dh NOT to send her pictures of ss if they included my children. So why in the hell would she think it's ok for a framed picture of her to be in my home? Anyway, he ran out of the room and dh threw a huge fit. I then went up grabbed the pos pictures... which btw are seriously butt ugly. Horrible pictures. He should be embarrassed of them. I would be. Anway, I took them out of the frames and put them above his head, under my ds11's bunk (top bunk). I told him that's where he could have them because he can see them and I can't. I then told him that it's NOT our fault she left and moved. That it was her choice to do this to him, not ours and I'm not having a shrine to her in my home. That when he got married he would understand not wanting pictures of the wife's ex in his home. SS told me that his mom did not have a choice but to move to new state because of her ex husband. That she told him "the whole story"... I said she had a choice... she absolutely did NOT have to leave our state. If ex husband was really that bad he'd be in jail not walking around a free man. He won't believe me because his lying sack of poop mother has him brainwashed. She's this little victim hero who just had to leave her wittle boy and live a drunken life so far away in never never land. She such a effen lyer! She left because she was getting sex with someone new who would pay for her to live and drink and do drugs and whatever. BTW... when that first picture came home we were on the same page here.... he hid the first one. He just is afraid of confrontations with ss or bm.

Then dh walked in and said we needed to talk..... He basically said that he was done. He couldn't continue like this. We talked for awhile and we are still ok... right now.... but I'm not really ok. I feel like he's choosing allowing her to continue to rule our life, teach her son that lying is ok... and believe me, he's been doing it a TON! He's had to clean the garage this week because of it. I basically feel like I'm not allowed to speak of her to him or ss.... that I'm not allowed to discipline ss..... cause he'll discipline my ds16 ten times worse for NOTHING.... I told him that if he were to leave that he absolutely was NOT taking ds8 with him. He just said ok. I also said "what about ds11... whom you are his "dad"?" He said he would be there for ds11 but would not help me out what so ever with him. So... he's totally willing to give up ds11 and ds8 for ss.... whom he's always favored and done more for. Which I'm sick of. He's willing to just give up our 11 years together because he doesn't want to stand up to her. Willing to just be a weekend dad to my kids. He says sometimes he pretends to be asleep when I walk in so he doesn't have to talk to me. He's never been a drinker but all of a sudden is drinking every night. I feel like that's how he's tolerating me. He won't talk bad to bm or yell at her what so ever around ss..... but he constantly yells and berates me in front of all the kids. I feel like that's why I can't get them to do as I say sometimes. Why is it so bad to let ss know that dh does NOT like his bm.... but it's ok to see him basically not like me? My kids see this too.

The past few weeks I've done nothing but cry, can't sleep, and I feel awful in my stomach. I know I'm falling into depression again. (Been in hospital before.... dh doesn't believe in the disease.... it's all in your head) I kinda feel like I should leave... I mean, if he's not wanting me anymore and he's willing to give us up to make them happy, why should I be there? BUT... I live 2 1/2 hours from family. I don't want to move my kids from school. I can't survive on my paychecks with all the flex spending and insurance coming out. I looked up apartments and one paycheck would only pay a crappy apartment not in the school district. I'd still have everything else to pay. There's just no way I'd make it. I don't really have anyone here to turn to. I'm embarrassed to talk to family about this. I feel so alone. I'd usually call my mil in times like this and I can't... cause she's gone. I won't talk to the rest of my family. I just won't. He checks my facebook accounts to see what I'm saying. He checks my phone. This is the only thing I have.

I know the picture thing/conversation may have been wrong but she gets me going so bad. I really don't want to see her. Plus we are getting ready to tell ds11 about sperm donor and what if he wants a picture of him? I can't allow that in my home after what he's done to us. Then it isn't fair.

I'm not a bad terrible person here guys.... I totally had to reteach ss his math just this morning. His bm wouldn't have even checked to make sure it was done. I try hard, I just get no appreciation.

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MomOf3 I'm so sorry. I really am. It sounds like you guys are just king through a rough patch and there is a lot of tension, lots of stuff going on, add on the financial stresses you have had to deal with this year. It's just a hard time. I'm so sorry and I wish i could give you a hug.

As far as BM goes, you have got to get that woman out of your head. You cannot let her win. You and your hubby are fighting over her! Don't let her come into your marriage. Don't let thoughts of her seep in. You have to get your anger towards her under control. It's ruining you. You know how much I hate my daughters SM right? You know what an awful person right?? And my ex, ugh. What a weesle. But guess what? That is my daughter's family and she Loves her dad. Even with all the crap, she Loves him and so desperately wants him to change and be her daddy again. Her #1 daddy. Sure she loves my Dh. Sure he does things for her but she will never love him more than she loves her daddy. And because I know that is why I can allow a framed picture of Dd with Bd and SM and little stepsister to sit on her bookshelf. AND right next to it, a picture of the good ol' ex in law's. Why? Because they are HER family and no matter how much I despise them or how much they do to us, that is her family and it's her choice to have pictures of them. At first it was kind of annoying to look up and see 'her' but honestly then I just started smiling back at her and it makes me laugh lol. I walk by and smile real big. No one sees me. I don't make fun in front of Dd but it helps me laugh about it.

They would never allow Dd to have a picture of me in their house. No WAY! But two wrongs don't make a right and so if they want to be jerks and hurt Dd that way, Yay them! Go for it! I'm not hurting my Dd just because I hate them. And what you did by telling your SS that, you hurt him. You disparaged his mom to him. And that is an absolute no no. I do not care what she has done or what she is doing. That kid did NOT pick his parents. He loves his mom. Come on! You know this. It's a bond that can't be broken in such a young child. Sure when he is an adult he can have whatever feelings but right now, all he wants his is mom to be his mom. I'm sure he Loves you dearly and he will probably be so appreciative to you for all that you do for him, but for right now, he probably really misses his mom. And just wants her pictures.

If I did what you did, my lawyer and therapist would hang me. I'm not kidding. What you did was not right by your SS. I completely get why and I am 100% on your side. And if you were my sister or best friend, I would be telling you the same thing!

Let that kid love his mom. Let your anger go. Handle it. Get a girlfriend. Get a priest. Get a therapist. Whatever. But get it out, get over it and fix this with your man. The only 'rational' parent that child has is Dad because mom doesn't want him and can't deal with him. So Dad is protecting the child that doesn't have anyone else. He knows your children have you. But he can't sit by and pick your children or the child you have together over the one that you are hurting. He has to protect that child from hearing the things he was told. And some of what you said was said to my Dd by her sm and that helped to land dad on supervised visits. I know that isn't where your situation is heading... I'm just giving you an example.

That boy has every right to love both of his parents unconditionally without judgement. I really hope you can get you some help because you are spiraling into a dangerous zone and you could end up losing your family over your hatred and anger towards someone who shouldn't matter to you.

And I don't care if her pictures are ugly. I gaurantee you that boy probably thinks his mom is beautiful!! My daughter tells me all the time I am pretty and I look like crap most of the time. So even though you may not see it or agree. That is his mom and he just wants her love. I know he might not get it but it's not up to you to tell him anything. It's up to her to show him her true colors.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 11:12PM
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Here's the problem myfampg.... dh tells ME all the time how horrible I am. How horrible a mom I am. I'm 10 times the mom she is and he won't tell her anything. He tells me this in front of the kids too. They hear him. My ds11 makes comments to me about it now. When I have to work my odd shifts he gives me the same attitude dh does. And dh has ALWAYS chosen ss over us. EVERYTIME for all the years. I think it's causing resentment. I'm sick and tired of little precious boy getting to believe his mom is wonderful while dh belittles me in front of my kids. I'm sick and tired of our lives changing to fit ss.... heaven forbid we need to change something for one of my three to include ours together.

I went in and explained to ss that I couldn't let him have those pictures up cause when ds11 finds out about his real dad... I can't allow those pictures either. This let ss be ok with it. He put them under ds11 bunk above where his head is. Then he gave me a hug. He knows that ds11's real dad sucks hard core... thanks to his bm. (She told him very early on that ds11 wasn't his real brother... NOT her place!)

Just so you know... this goes both ways. DH wouldn't walk up to ds16's bd with me to get him at that event we went to in July. He refused to be seen around him. Obviously ds16 figured that one out.

I'm just tired of dh trying to make her and ss happy but I'm the one he chose to be with. Yet I'm not sure I've been happy in 32 years.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 11:35PM
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Okay, time for counseling... big time. Pictures shouldnt be that big of a deal but they are.... walking up to ds16's dad shouldn't be that big of a deal but it is... There are major issues going on here. I mean I cant stand Bm half the time but we have pics of her (even though she edits us out of hers) and I have pics of dd's dad even though I have strong opinions of him as well. But, when it comes down to it... this has NOTHING to do with pictures or meeting with parents. If the relationship was strong and secure ... well really on the same page... none of that would matter ... not in the least bit.

It is time for relationship counseling... or some serious relationship evaluation.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 11:44PM
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Mom of 4.... he won't go! I've tried in the past and he won't go. He has previously told me he won't fight for me. He's seen his brother's go through this kind of thing and if it's over it's over. (He actually sometimes refers to me as one of his brother's ex-wives names) My self worth has been gone for quite some time now. I had a fit today because I'm seriously sick of her getting royal treatment and ss thinking she's a queen while they all hear me get called all kinds of things. This is really what this is about. I am resentful that dh goes to great lengths to make ss happy and not see fighting with her.... yet he could care less if my kids see him belittle me.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 12:02AM
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I feel like I say this alot on the board (even though I'm fairly new) but I feel like I can relate somewhat to your situation. If he won't go, please go to counseling yourself. It will help!
He shouldn't be treating you this way at all...esp in front of the children. I'm surprised your oldest hasn't tried to stand up to him trying to defend you in some way.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 12:53AM
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Get yourself into counseling without him. What DFWmom said, "I'm surprised your oldest hasn't tried to stand up to him trying to defend you in some way." stands out to me.

Before I married DH, we were at his parents house. His dad berated his mom in front of us & DH just sat there, like he didn't hear it. I was surprised he didn't react at all but didn't give it much thought because his parents always got along great when I was around. I thought it must be an isolated incident. (silly me, if it were isolated ~ DH might have reacted shocked, not ignored it like it was normal) But, my point is that after 4 years of marriage, DH tried to berate me the same way his dad treated his mom. That's when I calmly informed him that I was not raised to be treated that way & it would not happen again. I also shared my opinion on what I thought of him not standing up for his mom when his dad did that... I made it clear he won't treat ME that way. Now that I am in therapy, I'm understanding his pathology. We are also in couples counseling. At our last session, we discussed what is or isn't appropriate behavior in a relationship. It kinda covers respecting each other, having equal opinions & compromising to an agreement both of us can live with. (as opposed to one of us telling the other how it's gonna be, which DH tends to do because he's a little OCD & thinks his way is the "right" way)

You cannot force your DH to go. You can go & change how you react & deal with the situation. Perhaps a separation would help give him a taste of what he thinks is easy. It is NOT easy to end a relationship... when you're not there for the things he counts on you for... when he wants to share something but can't... when it affects his schedule... when it affects his finances. Really, it means changing & rearranging your entire life.

I hear your frustration. I feel it because I'm so frustrated in my marriage too that I'm signing up for stress management classes (because I also have physical symptoms from the stress), we're signing up for a couple's class to improve communication, I'm going to individual counseling bi weekly & we are going to couple's counseling weekly. We also start another parenting class next week. I am desperate to do whatever I can to alleviate the stress & frustration. Initially, I wanted to talk to a counselor to figure out how to ignore SD & not let her presence bug me. Instead, I am realizing how I've contributed to the problems when all this time, it's been so easy to blame BM & SD... and MIL... and DH. But, the only person I can change is ME. BM will choose to neglect SD.. or not. SD will choose to play victim of Ima... or not. MIL will choose to eat up SD's BS... or not. and DH will choose to parent his kid & protect me from the wrath of BM, SD & MIL... or not. and I can engage in the drama... or not. I'm trying really hard to NOT.

I really hope that you can take what myfampg said to heart. As a mom, the last thing most parents want is for their child to suffer. Children don't choose who they get for family.. bio or step. They exist & want to be loved. They love in an effort to be loved because they don't really know what love is. They know they are a part of that mom or dad that left them & don't understand why the people that are supposed to love them, leave them. They may blame themselves. My SD has a collage frame of pictures with her & BM in it.. hanging on the wall in her room. I cannot stand BM. But, that is her mom & she loves her... of course, after all BM has done to SD... I fail to understand why, except that she is a part of her & will continue to love her mom in the hopes her mom will love her back as much. As adults, we grow up to realize what love is & then we make conscience decisions about things that happened in our life... like cutting out toxic people or toxic relationships, which is what I think my SD's BM has with her. But, that will have to be HER choice.

The feeling that I get is that your husband has had it. He is in the middle, like myfampg said... he is probably protecting the child he feels has nobody else. If this (your frustration) has been going on for a while, perhaps he may think it would be easier to end the relationship than to work through it. I know my DH would rather do what's easy & less uncomfortable. Dealing with feelings is not really comfortable, especially for many men.

Whatever you do, you need to do something soon because you and he are teaching your children by design, how to treat others & how to allow others to treat them. Would you like your son to treat his girlfriend or wife the way you are treated? Or would you like your daughter to allow herself to be treated like that in HER relationships? Please do what you can to protect your children. Get help or get out.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 2:31AM
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The thing that 'spoke' loudest to me when I read your post came towards the last part. Please, before you do anymore fighting with the kids/Dh or make any major decisions, go to your dr and pour out to him the feelings. If you're spiraling down you can't possibly even begin to deal with everything else that is going on for you.

Depression can be serious stuff. It would not be surprising it's been triggered again on you with all of the things you've been telling us here over the months. Your life has been a bundle of stress, hassles, and hardships. You've got to take care of yourself before you can begin to try and 'fix' everything else.

Your post last night is full of helplessness and overwhelming emotions. Big big hugs to you, I think we're all feeling your pain. We can't 'fix it' for you , but your first step to making yourself 'ok' again is making that dr appointment and seeking the medical assistance you may need to make yourself strong and in control of your own life again. Getting the depression treated must be the first step if all the other steps like counseling are to have a chance. Who knows, you may decide that after getting your depression treated and are feeling whole and healthy again that you may find taking your life and your children's in a new different direction is really best, or not.

I don't have a magic ball where I can see into the future and predict yours, but if you do end up leaving DH there are organazations and state agencies that will help a mother with three children. It is not easy, but if it turns out starting over just you and the boys you need to get your mind aka mental health, into a place in that you'll be able to do this.

Dh has his owns struggles and problems in your household and he's turning to drinking to get through won't help him and when the booze wears off his issues will still be there, but right now I'm more concerned with you and the children. Currently the kids are living in a house where 'Mom' is going over the edge and 'Dad' is hiding in a need to help yourself (you can't do this all by yourself and we can't do it for you) before you can begin to see it all in true light and decide what is to be done about it.

Until your depression begins to lift (and odds of it 'lifting' all by itself are not good) trying to deal with things like photos in the ss's room can't be addressed/worried about in proper perspective. Everything, each and every little thing can and/or will be turned into a huge mountain impossible to deal with or to extremely over react to. Please reach out and get the depression treated...then relook at things like the photos. Myfam is very correct, these are photos of the kids mother. A good one or a bad one, kid did not get to pick her and he loves the one he has no matter what all her faults are. Ima is very correct too. You need to help yourself. If Dh refuses to go to counseling, you can't change that for now, but you can go (see your Dr first so he can help you see which type of counseling you would most need to start)

Again, hugs to you, Mom3. I'm not insensitive to all the things that trouble you (the photos, the appearance of favoritism, over worked, under appreciated, unable to put things in perspective ect ect), but the first step has to be healing yourself. Perhaps than can you let go of the anger and find yourself again.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 8:06AM
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As a man who was a widower, I would divorce my wife in about 1 sec if she ever forbids my children to have a picture of their mom in their room. Having said that, I will avoid to have photos of my late wife in your house just to show respect for my now wife. But nevertheless, I want my now wife respect an old chapter of my life's book. We all have baggages and imperfection.

I think your marriage is heading toward an impending explosion if you don't do something.

1. Most important of all, you must agree with your better judgment that you did was inappropriate and unfair to your SS, despite whatever his mom did to you and her xh.
2. If yes, then you need to come to him and sincerely apologize. I don't mean a quick "I am sorry", but a sincerely apology which contains 3 parts, (a) your acknowledgment of what done was not appropriate, (b) you ask for forgiveness and (c) your promise to change or not to go there again. You are an adult and so you must take action as an adult like the courage to say I am wrong.

After that is done, then you need to evaluate the whole situation about your blended family like:

A. who is repsonsible (discipline, cooking, clothing) for whom. My best suggestios is you each are responsible for your own children's welfare, the only time the other gets involved is when safety is paramount. You and your husband must practice the art of keeping your mouth shut when you want to yell at the other's children and let the BioParent do that. In a few years, the children will be grown and you will see them as EQUAL, so why leave a bad taste .

B. The major mistake I think most blended families have is the un-realistic expectation that you can just waltz into someelse's life and since you are a PERFECTLY NICE person, they have to accept you right away. Family is formed from bonding and trust, both of which take years to form and affirm, through the thick and thin moments. I dated a woman who thought she was a perfectly nice person so my children had to accept her UNCONDITIONALLY. Wrong, at the first hint of rejection of my chidren, she began to call my children, B*TCHES. Of course, I left her shortly after that.

THere are many books out there on blended families. You need to check them out and get some ideas. I mean both of you, otherwise your marriage will be another statistics that 80% of 2nd marriage fails due to step children's conflicts.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 8:11AM
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"I would divorce my wife in about 1 sec if she ever forbids my children to have a picture of their mom in their room"

Agree with that statement 100%. I hate my ex with a passion for all she did to me...but would never in any way try to negatively affect how my kids feel about her. That is childish, controlling behavior. As much as I'd prefer for her to just vanish from the universe, the last thing I want is for my kids to grow up with anything but a good, solid relationship with BOTH parents, including her.

My kids are not the type to put up a lot of stuff in their rooms, but if they put up a pic of their mom, and my GF had anything to say about it...I'd have a huge problem with that.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 10:15AM
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Shakti.... your situation with being a widower is 100% different. You lost your wife whom I'm sure you loved. My dh NEVER loved bm EVER. It was a one night stand that resulted in ss. If you read past posts you will see that she gives us nothing but crap ALL the time. My dh didn't want the picture in the house either, he is the one that hid the first one. He just can't stand his ground with bm or with ss. He threw me under the bus when ss asked about the pictures. We had agreed on it to begin with. Plus this woman NEVER allowed pictures of even my kids to enter her home and told my dh never to send them. They are his brothers, that's just as important as his bm who left him to live with a man. His brothers love him yet he wasn't allowed to look at them in her home. If my dh were a widower it'd be a totally different picture here. And Kroopy.... it seems to me that you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder. You won't even get into a serious relationship after years of dating. So move on.

JMT... I'm going to call my employee assistance program at work to try to get some help. I tried some antidepressants a year and a half ago... the normal ones don't work for me. The first one this time dropped my bp down to where I was blacking out every few minutes. The second one blew me up, I gained 16 pounds in 10 days. I just decided then to stop trying meds. I hate meds.... I do take Xanex for the anxiety but it's short acting and I only take it to sleep.

Oh.... also, Shakti..... you really need to read back before you comment... I have been with my dh since ss was 4 months old, he's 11 now. He knows me probably better then he knows his bm. I don't lie to him like she does. So... I'm not waltzing in trying to be his mom... I've been his primary care giver for quite sometime. (even when she had custody we had him a great deal of time and I did all the major stuff... like Dr. appts, dentists, etc, etc.)

This is really more about my dh still trying to make them more happy then he trys to make me. I give way more then he does. If my ds16 were to have a sporting event and his bd were to be there my dh wouldn't bother to go. I show up to ss games all the time. (way more then bm does!)

Also..... way back before ds11 sperm donor officially abandoned him.... my dh didn't want me discussing him what so ever EVER.... No pictures, no talking about him at all. I can't even bring up the fact that sometimes I might get a buck out of him. This started from the beginning, not just after the abandonment. So, really, this is double standards. BM is allowed to leave and tell what ever lies she wants but my kids' dads have to live differently. I've always tried to treat all the bio parents the same.... dh treats bm like a queen and I've had it! She's a low life scum bag piece of crap who LEFT her son... not HAD to leave him. She's as low as ds11's sperm donor.

Also... recently ds8 started noticing ss gets so much more stuff because that's all bm does.... is try to buy him stuff... even though she doesn't pay her support. So ds8 is getting upset and says it's not fair. I mentioned this to dh.... he just says oh well. I think we should here and there when the ss isn't home give a little more to ds8 and ds11. Do something fun... buy them a few little small things. DH won't do it. So ss comes home and shows off all his stuff and my kids get to sit there and get upset. You know.... I'm just gonna start to do it. I'll sneak a few dollars here and there and get them the stuff. It's only fair.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 2:30PM
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"You won't even get into a serious relationship after years of dating"

Huh? 3+ years of a committed relationship is not serious? Just because we have decided not to live together so our kids don't have to go through all the BS that I read about here with Step-parents and all that? I beg to differ.....

All I was trying to say was that in terms of something "symbolic" like having a picture of his BioMom out...what's the harm? Except to you. If a child who has had a crappy childhood because of a loser parent that has chosen not to be a big part of his life feels better somehow by having a pic of his mom in his room, I think it's pretty self-serving of you or the BioDad so forbid it. You're putting yourself in front of the kid....let him have a picture of his mom up, he's had it tough enough already.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 5:12PM
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Just to clear this up.... my ss never asked his bm for the pictures. She went out of her way to give them to him. Most likely because she wants to cause trouble. That's her nature, to cause trouble. AND what about all the times she's told him he couldn't have pictures of us? She's being a hypocrite by sending these home with him. Hes absolutely fine with where they are right now. They are stuffed under my ds11's bunk right above my ss's head. He can look up at them as he's going to sleep. His life with us really has never been rough... only with her. She's the rough part of his life... therefore I don't really understand why he'd even want to look at her. Plus I have a feeling his friends when they come over, being boys... with the "your mama" jokes... may end up hurting his feelings because I have a feeling they will comment. I wish you could see them. That's one reason I don't want ds16 to have pics of his bd up. These people have gone so down hill in their age it's embarrassing.

And kroopy.... this is both my dh and I's first marriage. Our kids have step parents because we both decided not to marry simply because we had kids with people. This prevented the kids from having to see divorce. Although... ss saw his moms. Not our fault with that. She's a cheater... cheated on her ex... now has kid believing her ex is a horrible person... he's no saint but not what she's making him to be. It's not right.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 5:44PM
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It's not right to involve your children in the bitterness you have for ex's & to put YOUR feelings & insecurities before their feelings. It sounds as if two adults behaving like immature children playing tit for tat & now you're talking about sneaking & keeping secrets from your spouse to even things up for your kids? Wow! I really think it's unfortunate you're in that situation & I meant what I said before, but the more you say the harder it is to sympathize. If the two of you behave this way & BM or BD are really as bad as you say, what chance do these kids have with the role models in their lives?

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 8:01PM
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I agree with everyone 100%. And I also agree that if my husband forbid my Dd to have a pic of her dad in HER room, that would be it. Of course, my Dh would never do that because he knows she loves her dad and is not and should not be a party to our fighting.
No matter how much he hurts her, and momof3 you know because you read my threads and comment, he is a JERK and he hurts my daughter BUT she still Loves him unconditionally and there are times that she misses him even after a bad visit with him.
It's not my job to alienate her from her dad, it's my job to try to foster a positive relationship and to encourage one. Regardless of his BS. It's my job to protect her from the hurt I CAN control which is what comes from ME.
When you tell a child that their parent is crap, you tell that child, 1/2 of YOU is crap. It's 100% true. Ask a therapist.

You have so much bitterness and anger, all of your children are possibly going to suffer. This is 100% about Dh and you and zilch about BM or BD of ds11. And if he wants a pic of his dad then by golly it's your responsibility to make sure he puts one in his room if he has one.

Your defensive and aggressive responses are not at all shocking because of what you are going through. But you ask for help..?? And you don't like what you are being told.

As far as you and Dh not ever marrying just because of kids. I don't really have an opinion on that but honestly, what your kids are dealing with are way worse than a divorce. You still have the same very issues people who were married deal with. So you aren't any 'better' of a parent for not marrying any of the men you had children with other than your youngest and the other Dad's are MIA ... Dh has 'one night' stand drama. It's no different than someone that was married for many years.

The impression I get is you and Dh just want the other 'bio' parents to just 'go away' so Dh and you can be one big happy family without having to share kids... And honestly that is SO unhealthy. I really think all of your kids are going to resent you both at some point because of this behavior. I think you have reached your breaking point and you are about to explode!! You need help. See your doctor. See a therapist on your own. Get some of these things under control inside of YOU before trying to deal with the rest.

And as far as telling SS that ds11 can't have a pic of his dad so SS can't have a pic of his mom... So wrong. Your SS knows and loves his mom. Your ds11 doesn't even KNOW he has a dad! Not the same thingand completely different. And quite cruel if you ask me.

I was on your side like imma until you started posting more. Your anger and hatred is identical to what my dd's SM does to her... And at one point in time she was not allowed within 500 ft of my daughter because of this very same behavior. So if I were you, I'd straighten up unless you want someone like ME/BM getting smart and putting a stop to your madness for you. Or your Dh leaves you with SS all because you couldn't get past another woman giving birth and the child actually having love for her.

She is a piece of crap mom but SS will probably ALWAYS love her. Sorry.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 9:09PM
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First of all, I have never said that I told ss his mom is crap. I told him it's not our fault she left him. I absolutely do not believe that a child should be lied to. No, I'm not going to tell him that I believe she chose this man over him, but it's not right that she's telling him if she stayed in the state her life was at risk. That's just so wrong in so many ways! Now he'll forever think that she's this victim when she isn't. Her life was never threatened, she left to be with this man. He's also going to believe based on what his mother has told him that his dad wouldn't let him go with her and it hurts her so much. Well, that's partially true... dh wouldn't ever let him leave the state... but she absolutely could've stayed. This whole lying thing she's doing to ss is an aweful aweful thing.... and here she is the one to have told ss that ds11 isn't his half brother.... life that truth is so absolutely necessary for him to have.

I am NOT a bad role model.. I so wish I could cut and paste my kids' grades that I just looked up. ds16 has straight A's as a sophomore in high school in advanced classes. Ds11 has all A's with 2 B's. SS and ds8 have all A's. We are home every night, no parties, lots of extra curricular. The only thing they have seen is dh belittling me. I yell back and defend myself but that's really it. My ds16 sees dh not like his dad. I've never talked bad about him to ds16 though. We've had a whole 2 fights in 16 years that ds16 witnessed.... one was recently when I wouldn't drive where he wanted me to and he had ds16 talk back. Obviously ds11 has never witnessed a fight cause sperm donor is gone.

Myfampg... I'm really offended that you would say I'm like your dd sm.... I'm nothing like that! I do not force ss to call me mom, I do not force him to call her her name. I treat ss like my own son. I just don't like dh favoring him over the others. SS sees me angry at times but he never knows why I'm angry. I don't tell him how much I hate his mom. I keep it bottled up. BM is much much much more dangerous with her alcoholism and drug use then I am or ever could be.

I am sorry, but ds11 father has threatened my life and I have police reports on that.... there will not be a picture of him in my home. If ds11 wants a picture of his brother's and sister's I'm ok with that.

I feel like I have to sneak things for my kids or they'll forever me in envy of ss... and I don't want them having bad feelings of their brother because of the things he gets. If dh won't help me out then I'll just do it. How is that not ok? I'm trying to prevent bad feelings... like ds8 already has.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 9:46PM
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You *should* be offended because what you have written here is offensive to your SS.

I did not say you were not a good role model, I was pointing out that you are not a 'better' parent than another parent because you waited to marry instead of marrying the Father's of your other children.

I KNOW from reading your posts that your family (SS included) is very important to you and that you work very hard to provide for your family AND to pick up the slack for someone else that won't do her job. Of course her lying to your ss is wrong but you seem to think that this young boy should have the maturity of a man to see through her lies. He will one day. It's not going to be before he is a teen or before he is even a legal adult but in time, he will know. And it's not your job to make sure he knows the truth. This is what I love love love about my mom. She just waited. Patiently waited for us to figure it out on our own and then she was there to pick up the pieces.

Your problem with Dh is 100% valid. But you are holding it against the wrong people. It is not SS's fault his dad is doing him more harm by 'protecting' him or for overcompensating because his mom sucks. That is ALL your Dh. It is also not BMs fault that your Dh wont stand up to her or that he allows her to get away without paying a dime. That is 100% your dh's fault. You can hate them both for the way your Dh 'deals' with their situation but the only person that is responsible is him. And the only person that can control how it effects you is YOU.

So what if bm wants to buy SS a bunch of crap and then SS brings it home and shows it off. He is a kid and he has a Disney mom. You can't control that. Of course you want to do a little extra for your other kids because they see that SS has stuff coming from two families. This is a blended family issue and it would probably help to do some research on how to handle it. My son is only 4 and doesn't really understand that sister goes to her 'dad's' house. He is starting to understand that she is 'gone' but can't possibly piece it together 'where' she goes. She often brings home suckers and pencils or little things from her dad's and ya she parades it around and ds says 'where's mine?'. I simply say, dd's daddy gave that to her. That's her special something.
And he moves on. You have to teach your children not to be jealous and not to harbor ill will for someone who has received something they didn't. You teach them to be happy for others. We always do something fun with DS when Dd is gone. That is 'our' weekend to spend only on him. We do things Dd is too old for or that she already experienced. He is an only child when she is gone. We don't go overboard with spending money because we simply can't but we do enjoy eating out since it's cheaper with a little one. We go to the movies. We spend a lot of time at the park or zoo. Things that it would cost too much to do with Dd and that wouldn't break her heart if she found out we did. We always buy them litle things here and there just because and it's easier when she is with her dad because he doesn't require much. If your Dh isn't up to it, then you do it yourself. You work. You provide. You can do things for your kids. You don't have to compete with Bm on who spent the most on what. I used to do that and I just couldn't keep up. They want to spend their money on stuff for Dd, GREAT! Keeps me from having to pick up the slack for them.. That's just where I have gotten in life. I see a therapist which I highly recommend. If you cannot stand to see a picture of your ex or of SS bm, counseling is the only way you are going to ever be able to be free of the pain you are obviously harboring inside. Sm had a restraining order. She attacked me and was arrested. She physically hurt me and my child. I don't like her much but my Dd wants that pic in her room and because I am a big girl now and can manage my feelings, Dd gets to have her picture in her room ...

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 10:51PM
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SS will never know this was written and wouldn't ever know it was me anyway, so I don't believe it's hurting him any. My MIL used to say these kind of things about bm ALL the time, in fact at Easter she took all these pictures of bm from a baby shower and cut them up in front of me. She said her son (dh) had to have been drunk because no son of hers dated women like her. I'm sorry.... but that's funny! I didn't ask her to do this she just did it. Everyone knows how much this woman has hurt us. I think this is part of my problem though.... MIL and I talked about everything.... she was always there for me to talk to about bm and now mil is gone and I don't have someone real to vent to. In the past few years I think mil and I grew closer then dh and mil..... She was a great friend to me.

We do do some things once in awhile when ss or ds16 is gone.... but then they find out about it and get mad... well ss does, ds16 could care less. I explain that we can't just sit and twiddle our thumbs while he's out with her. That sometimes we have to do something. When I buy clothes I just throw them in their closet. My mom went and took us clothes shopping a couple weeks ago. She bought ss the SAME amount of stuff that she bought all my kids. That's how my family works.... even though ss didn't need it all. I just figured with that it'll be more hand me downs for ds8.

One thing I want to mention here.... BM has ss this weekend. His birthday is Sunday. That's why she picked this weekend. We can't get to meeting spot till 7:30, she won't get home till 10. SS told her he has a football game Sunday at 3:30, asked her if she'd come watch him since it's his birthday. Well, today she called dh and asked if she was coming to watch. NOPE!!! She has a golf thing to do. On her son's birthday.... so dh told her meeting had to either be at noon so ss could get to game or if she wasn't going to let him play we couldn't meet till 8pm. (ds11 is on same team).... She chose to give him back to us at 10 am. That means she has to leave her home by 7:30 am. So essentially she's getting him this weekend to only spend Saturday with him. Seriously, what's the point? And why couldn't she watch her son play on his birthday? Cause she's a beeeooootch!!! This is the 4th round of sports she's missing all of for her own selfish reasons. You tell me..... did she HAVE to leave the state? NOPE!!! She' CHOSE to leave the state.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2011 at 11:19PM
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Gardenandcats is not new here but yes should have read the entire thread.

I agree with all of that momof3! 150%! I promise. It is crappy of her to NEVER put her son first but it isn't HIS fault. At least he gets 1 day with her. Ya know? For HIM. Not for anyone else. I cry when I don't get my daughter for the weekend of her bday. It's ALWAYS on BD's weekend because it's at the first of the month. It sucks!! So I do not know how she could even schedule something on that day if she knows it's her weekend but she does a LOT of things I don't understand. I'm really only concerned with you and your anger and I'm seriously worried for you. I just wish I could send you a big hug. I'm telling you, I have not said anything that I would not tell my sister or my best friend. I would NOT be a good friend to them if I just said, you are so right. You are awesome. You are the best!! You did the right thing. That would be wrong for me to say because the picture thing was wrong but everything else, I get you 100%. I promise!

And your mil. I know you miss her. I'm sorry.

It's not ok to hate someone so much though.. It doesn't hurt the person that you hate, Hate only hurts YOU.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 12:17AM
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A good role model does not refuse to allow a child to have a picture of their parent. PERIOD. Both of you apparently have forbidden at least one child to have a picture. He threw away the first one. You took away the second one. You said how UGLY she is in it. Your DH refused to allow your ex's picture. Neither of you seem to realize how damaging that can be... and it's not damaging to the child's relationship to the OTHER parent, it's going to damage YOUR relationship with the child. They will blame YOU for not allowing them to have a picture of their parent. My son was the product of an assault... not a loving relationship or even a casual one night stand. But, if MY son had asked to put up a picture of his father, as much as it would have turned me inside out... I would have done that FOR MY SON.

Just the manner that you refer to them in your posts tells me that even if you think you are being discreet by not saying things directly to the child and that you are disguising why you are angry, that the child still feels the anger you express. You cannot hide anger. Do you really think it matters to the child, WHY you are angry? They live in a place with angry parents. That's not healthy. (and trust me, I deal with frustration & anger on a daily basis.. my SD lies, manipulates, and does whatever she can to split up my marriage & make my life miserable. I KNOW how horrible it is to live with anger... that's why I'm in therapy.) But, my frustration/anger is because of things SD has done to me.. not what her mother does or how her mother is. I'm in therapy & learning to disengage so MY anger does not impact HER life. And, since I've been in therapy, my anger level has dropped a great deal. Living with rage & anger within you also cripples your ability to be a good role model.

As for your kids being jealous or feeling slighted because one of the other children gets more... well, aren't you going to teach your children that life just isn't fair all the time. Some kids get great parents. Some kids get crappy parents. Some kids don't have ANY parents. Life is not fair. It doesn't need to be evened out by sneaking & lying to your spouse. That teaches them that it's okay to be deceitful if it gets you what you WANT. My oldest son grew up getting two of everything. Two birthday parties every year, two Christmas', two Easter baskets... etc. My younger kids didn't grow up in two homes. And unfortunately for them, I spent a great deal of time, money & energy in court over stupid things as well as important things for their older brother. My younger kids weren't always happy & they'd say it's not fair that older brother has so much more, gets so much more attention, etc. Life is NOT fair. It's an important lesson to teach/learn.

And I'm glad you're kids have good grades. My SD12 is failing in school. That's the path she has chosen. We do not party. We are home every night. We work hard & try to do the right thing. We have never fought in our house. But, there she is... failing. I'm sure there are kids from horrible homes that excel in school & kids that live in the lap of luxury that don't do well, drop out or fail. It's good if you set good standards & encourage them to do well in school & are pleased with the results. But, having a child with good grades does not make one a good role model. Allowing your children to see you berated is teaching your children something... only your children will know what message they are getting from it. My DH grew up in a home, where I believe he witnessed his mom berated by his dad & one day he stepped into that pattern & thought he would treat me that way. Thank goodness MY parents taught me that nobody has the right to treat me that way & the first time DH tried it with me, I didn't hesitate to tell him that's not acceptable. PERIOD.

I'm not trying to attack you at all & I understand your frustration... but, if you refuse to acknowledge the problem and YOUR role in the problem, how can you find a solution? Unless you just want someone to validate your feelings & say that it's okay to act out like this and deal with your family this way... I don't think that's going to happen. It's unhealthy for you and it's damaging to your children. And we are saying this, not to insult or hurt you, but out of caring & concern. If you continue to hold onto the anger, you will destroy what's left of your marriage & your family will be broken up... and you will still live with the anger because as Myfampg said, it only hurts you. Your reaction to it is hurting your children.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 2:58AM
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Mom of 3, I've got a different perspective on this. You say your SS didn't ask for the picture, but BM gave it to him, right? That means it was a gift. What have you taught your SS about how to handle gifts, whether wanted or not?

(pause to think)................................

You've taught him to graciously accept them and say Thank You. You've taught him that "it's the thought that counts". You've taught him it's better to play with/wear/display the gift, even if unwanted, for at least a while. Right? Your SS is displaying good manners. Manners that you have taught him.

We have this with SS; BM will send him back with hand me downs that wouldn't have fit three years ago, with stale leftover Easter candy in the middle of the summer, with ratty stuffed animals from who-knows-where (SS is nine) - but they're "gifts". We can't have it both ways - we cannot tell him to throw these ridiculous pieces of garbage back in BM's face without expecting that he turn around and do the same with a well-meant but unwanted present from a beloved uncle at Christmas.

SS is being a good kid, it sounds like. BM is a hypocrite, but it's not SS's fault. Please try not to put him in the middle.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 10:02AM
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"Please try not to put him in the middle."

So true....all the issues with the biomom are valid and real, but they are issues the OP is entitled to have with her...she shouldn't try to project them on the kid....let the kid think/feel what he wants about her.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 10:11AM
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I helped my DD put up pictures of her, her dad, and her grandparents. I selected the places on her wall, so that unless I am in her bed with her I cannot see them. Actually, DH put up two of them for her himself.

"helping" them (thereby being in control of where the pictures are placed on the wall) is how I handle that sticky situation.

I agree, get your depression handled first...go to a therapist alone, get your thoughts in order. Everything else will follow.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 11:53AM
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Good points everyone.

Silver- I like this idea about the pictures. You don't have to see them hanging in the room while you are walking by each day. They can be somewhere else. My husband and I each have a photo on our dressers of our parents. Why not? They are our parents. And we are adults who want to see a picture of our parents displayed. Just so happens to be on our dressers. It's really no different for a kid. My Dd has a book shelf from floor to ceiling. When her closet doors are open, which is almost ALL the time as her closet is where her toys are, you can't see the bookshelf. Her dad's pictures are small and framed and placed on the shelf where when her door is open *I can't see them* and she is happy bc even though she isn't looking at them all day, she knows they are there and it makes her heart happy that mom is OK to let her love her daddy and his family. She isn't allowed to love me when she is with her dad. Making her feel the same way they make her feel, isn't hurting THEM it's hurting HER. She feels safe with me, can come to me for anything because she knows I won't flip, I know more about her time with them because she is comfortable to tell me. I can be 'nosey' about BD without even having to ask any questions because I know in a couple of days, Dd is going to spill her guts to me and she knows I am not goin to 1. Judge her 2. Take her away from her dad 3. Yell and scream 4. Tell her dad what she told me.

Just because 1 parent is a hypocrite and a jerk doesn't mean the other parent has to be. I can only imagine how that child must feel being in the middle of two households that fight and hate each other. I never realized that Dd could hear me fussing to my Dh about her dad until her therapist told me. I thought I was being quiet or that I was being discreet. Nope. She could hear and her ears perked up more when she thought I was talking about something.

Kids know more than we give them credit for. And I can only imagine this kid laying in his bed sneaking a look at his momma's picture, terrified someone will walk in and get angry. It's so sad.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 12:42PM
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I think everything is going to be okay, just wait and see. You husband has already said he's had enough and I am sure he has if this has been going for very long. He will leave and you won't have to have that "butt ugly" picture in your home anymore. Your step son will be happy and your ex-husband will be at peace and you will be alone. Just be patient.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 5:35PM
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That was really uncalled for. This is a group that supports each other and we tell the truth from our points of view to help each other.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 7:30PM
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Any child should be allowed to have a picture of their birth parent if they so wish to bottom line. I have read the whole thread..Not sure what happened to my post.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2011 at 11:56PM
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