I'm so defeated at this moment I don't even really want to type here or talk to anyone. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I guess I'm hoping someone can give me some advice.
When ss came home from the summer he had another picture of his ugly a$$ bm's face in a frame. That picture got put in the same place the other picture got put. Well, he found them the other day. I then picked them up and put them up in his closet. This morning my dh told me he asked about them. I told him they were in his closet and I didn't want them out. Then this afternoon dh said ss asked again and that I needed to put them back. I told him that I would NOT do that. I did NOT want them in my home where I had to see them. The woman gives us NOTHING but crap and I cannot look at her. He then told ss that he couldn't have his pictures because I didn't want him to. That when he told his mom this to tell her to call my phone and speak to me about it. I then tried to explain to ss that I didn't want pictures of ds16's bd here either. That bm would NEVER allow a picture of dh in her home and that I wouldn't allow a shrine of framed pictures of her in my home. I also explained that bm has repeatedly asked my dh NOT to send her pictures of ss if they included my children. So why in the hell would she think it's ok for a framed picture of her to be in my home? Anyway, he ran out of the room and dh threw a huge fit. I then went up grabbed the pos pictures... which btw are seriously butt ugly. Horrible pictures. He should be embarrassed of them. I would be. Anway, I took them out of the frames and put them above his head, under my ds11's bunk (top bunk). I told him that's where he could have them because he can see them and I can't. I then told him that it's NOT our fault she left and moved. That it was her choice to do this to him, not ours and I'm not having a shrine to her in my home. That when he got married he would understand not wanting pictures of the wife's ex in his home. SS told me that his mom did not have a choice but to move to new state because of her ex husband. That she told him "the whole story"... I said she had a choice... she absolutely did NOT have to leave our state. If ex husband was really that bad he'd be in jail not walking around a free man. He won't believe me because his lying sack of poop mother has him brainwashed. She's this little victim hero who just had to leave her wittle boy and live a drunken life so far away in never never land. She such a effen lyer! She left because she was getting sex with someone new who would pay for her to live and drink and do drugs and whatever. BTW... when that first picture came home we were on the same page here.... he hid the first one. He just is afraid of confrontations with ss or bm.
Then dh walked in and said we needed to talk..... He basically said that he was done. He couldn't continue like this. We talked for awhile and we are still ok... right now.... but I'm not really ok. I feel like he's choosing allowing her to continue to rule our life, teach her son that lying is ok... and believe me, he's been doing it a TON! He's had to clean the garage this week because of it. I basically feel like I'm not allowed to speak of her to him or ss.... that I'm not allowed to discipline ss..... cause he'll discipline my ds16 ten times worse for NOTHING.... I told him that if he were to leave that he absolutely was NOT taking ds8 with him. He just said ok. I also said "what about ds11... whom you are his "dad"?" He said he would be there for ds11 but would not help me out what so ever with him. So... he's totally willing to give up ds11 and ds8 for ss.... whom he's always favored and done more for. Which I'm sick of. He's willing to just give up our 11 years together because he doesn't want to stand up to her. Willing to just be a weekend dad to my kids. He says sometimes he pretends to be asleep when I walk in so he doesn't have to talk to me. He's never been a drinker but all of a sudden is drinking every night. I feel like that's how he's tolerating me. He won't talk bad to bm or yell at her what so ever around ss..... but he constantly yells and berates me in front of all the kids. I feel like that's why I can't get them to do as I say sometimes. Why is it so bad to let ss know that dh does NOT like his bm.... but it's ok to see him basically not like me? My kids see this too.
The past few weeks I've done nothing but cry, can't sleep, and I feel awful in my stomach. I know I'm falling into depression again. (Been in hospital before.... dh doesn't believe in the disease.... it's all in your head) I kinda feel like I should leave... I mean, if he's not wanting me anymore and he's willing to give us up to make them happy, why should I be there? BUT... I live 2 1/2 hours from family. I don't want to move my kids from school. I can't survive on my paychecks with all the flex spending and insurance coming out. I looked up apartments and one paycheck would only pay a crappy apartment not in the school district. I'd still have everything else to pay. There's just no way I'd make it. I don't really have anyone here to turn to. I'm embarrassed to talk to family about this. I feel so alone. I'd usually call my mil in times like this and I can't... cause she's gone. I won't talk to the rest of my family. I just won't. He checks my facebook accounts to see what I'm saying. He checks my phone. This is the only thing I have.
I know the picture thing/conversation may have been wrong but she gets me going so bad. I really don't want to see her. Plus we are getting ready to tell ds11 about sperm donor and what if he wants a picture of him? I can't allow that in my home after what he's done to us. Then it isn't fair.
I'm not a bad terrible person here guys.... I totally had to reteach ss his math just this morning. His bm wouldn't have even checked to make sure it was done. I try hard, I just get no appreciation.