the straw that broke SD's back

justnotmarthaSeptember 25, 2009

It's been two weeks since SD's big fight with her mom; where SD tried to pour out how BM has made her feel over the years but BM chose dinner with her new BF rather than addressing her daughter's feelings. SD has been there for 1.5 hours since, and now says she won't be going back any time soon.

So this weekend is the homecoming game/dance - first big to-do of high school. She's discussed it with BM several times. BM made a stink that we went dress shopping without her, though she never indicated she would like to go the several times SD discussed dresses with her (says SD) Anyway, we're having a little dinner thing before the dance for SD and a few friends/dates, and SD asked if she should invite her mom - especially since she was upset about the shopping. She was sure she'd want to come take some pictures. I said sure, so she called yesterday.

Not only had BM apparently forgotten about the dance, she's going to the coast this weekend with the BF. She was apparently very nonchalant about the whole thing, and then actually asked SD "so when are you going to come to my house to see me?" Sd ended the call quickly and was torn between laughing and crying. She couldn't get over that her mom a)forgot b)didn't seem to care and c)just wanted to know when SD would come to her and make it easy for her. She said "Once again, mom picks (BF's name) over me." DH replied softly, "no hon. She's picking herself over you. It's not BF's fault."

I think she really got that.

So the family is going to the big game tonight, and we'll have a great time with tomorrow's pre-dance party and slumber party after. Life will go on, but I think the straw has been broken, and at this point I don't even feel the need to try and repair it.

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deborah_ps

Awww, how sad is that?
I have a birth mother who just never grew out of the "all about her" mode. It took me many years to "let go" of the need for her to step up to the "mother" plate and not be angry or hurt that she wouldn't/couldn't/didn't.
I was more than fortunate by having my "other" mother (step) nurture me.
I believe you are one of those "special" moms sent especially so SD knows the lesson of loyalty and compassion. And I'm hoping she knows how much you love and care for her heart.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2009 at 8:04PM
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mom_of_4

you know not to hijack the thread or anything (although I suppose I am) but I see the same things coming with sd. She just recently broke down in tears about how her mom is never around and even when she is with her mom... her mom "is always on the phone with her friends or studying" When I asked who her friend is ... it is apparently her most recent love interest. SD is to young to understand that but she is starting to realize her moms complete lack of involvement. I tried to explain to her that I would need to do a lot of studying for school as well... but sd discounted that saying "yeah but you make sure you take time to have dinner with us and help us with our homework or whatever else." What could I say? Right now, she is torn between the fact that when she is around her mom (and her mom has nothing better to do) she is ubber important especially compared to the boys... but for the most part she just isnt there. Since our little talk SD has been up my rear end nonstop. Dh thinks that I need to mold our bond as close as possible because "very soon she is going to need you like never before. she is already starting to figure out her mom and soon she will need somewhere to turn". It is a weird cross between feeling good about how she feels about me and so very sad about how she is feeling about her mom.

So sorry to hijack... but it just reminded me of my own sd ... she is just much younger right now... but I see the same patterns coming. I am so sorry for your sd. It is just so.... well there isnt really a word for it.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2009 at 10:17PM
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yabber

I was going to write "Unbelievable" but it's believable. Your DH put it very well: it's not BF, it's BM. I feel so sorry for SD.

Again, our situations have similarities because my SD13 also doesn't want to go back to BM's at the moment. (It's such a big change from 6 months ago I can still hardly believe it, but there it is).

It seems that your SD does keep hope, BM keeps disappointing and it keeps hurting. It's awful but you can't do anything about it. My SD does not expect anything anymore, but she's hurt just the same. It's a sad situation.

And it might not seem like much of a comfort, but at least it's a good thing that SD sees things for what they are. She's not in denial, making excuses for mom's behavior and living in fantasy world. My younger SD is, and it's a whole lot worse, let me tell you.
Now that SD13 has had enough of being BM's carer and is staying with us a lot more, SD11 has picked up that role and is coming to our place less, compensating for SD13 I guess. She's very much under BM's influence at the moment, copying her behavior and denying what's really going on. Now that BM's ex-fiancee has moved out SD11 even sleeps with BM because BM doesn't want to be alone, but I think I already mentioned that before.

Another great example is BM's eating disorder and how SD11 copies that behavior until she's now developing the same problem. One of the symptoms is that BM can't eat in front of other people. When they get invited by friends to go out for dinner BM will make up excuse to rock up late so meal is finished. Or order but not eat the meal saying she doesn't feel well.
SD11 now feels uncomfortable eating in front of peers at school so she just has breakfast and dinner. We give her lunch but she throws it I'm sure. And BM doesn't bother with lunch so SD11 takes crisps and lollies and hands them out. Even when the teacher brought in a cake the other day SD11 declined. The teacher did not understand it, but we know why. SD11 feels embarrassed eating in front of other people, and she doesn't even understand why.

Even though my SD13 is hurt by mom's behavior and reluctant to go to BM's at the moment, I'm not worried half as much about her as I am about SD11.

Your SD is having a really hard time and I truly feel for her, but she will get through this thanks to you guys. You make the difference.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2009 at 11:23PM
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wrychoice1

JNM,
The only thing I can think of is I am so sorry for your SD. She is very lucky to have her father and you. Thank goodness you and he are there to provide stability for her and to create positive memories for her...she is going to need them because I suspect it will take serious emotional work for her to come to terms with her mother and the fact that everything else was more important to her mother than she was...she is SO lucky to have you in her life.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2009 at 9:28AM
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finedreams

SD is luck to have you and dad to care about her. BM keeps showing her true colors. Even if she doesn't find homecoming or any other school dances important (which i can understand), she could at least pretent that she cares if it is important for SD.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2009 at 12:07PM
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justnotmartha

That's the funny thing, Fine - BM is all about the dances and parties and things like that. SD even pointed it out to her - "We've been talking about this since I was, like, two!"
SD found out mom didn't even leave for the beach until Saturday after work, so she could have waited another hour or two, tops, and come over to see her daughter. That spoke volumns to SD.

Here is the best 'lame mom action' yet - her mom actually 'unfriended' her on facebook Saturday, and then tried to lie about it Sunday. Once caught, she told SD she "didn't want to be hurt by her posts and have SD hurt by hers." HUH? I see all her posts - they have nothing to do with her mom. I think BM just doesn't like her see her happy and having fun when she isn't seeing BM anymore. Plus, then SD couldn't see where BM was and when. Of course, this unfriending meant she couldn't see SD's homecomings pics, which hurt SD as well. BM 're-friended' her yesterday, and started an instant message while SD and I were sitting at the computer. BM was mad because SD put a caption under a pic of she, DH and myself that said "their little girl is growing up." The THEIR didn't sit well with mom. Funny thing is, we started looking at some pics her mom had posted days earlier, and one refered to her boyfriend's daughter as "OUR cutie pie!" Hypocrisy at it's finest.

So last night, as SD and I were having our bedtime chat, I asked how she was honestly feeling about not seeing her mom, letting her know I expected her to be missing mom. She replied very simply that she just didn't. She expected to as well, but just felt nothing. She does miss her little sis, but that's it. That did make me feel bad . . . but relieved.

I'm horrible for saying it, but I will; I'm happy she's had enough of her mom. I worked for so many years to protect their relationship, and I'm just done. The only thing I want now is for BM to realize SHE caused this, it's not a case of SD being a 'sassy b!tch" we raised wrong,as she says. I know that won't happen, but a girl can dream.

I think, within the next month, either SD will cave and go for a visit or BM will start trying to force it, but I'm okay with either. We'll just cross that bridge when we get to it.

Thanks all for your kind words!

Yab - it makes me sick to hear about SD11's eating habits. That is just SO WRONG!

    Bookmark   September 29, 2009 at 5:15PM
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imamommy

"I'm horrible for saying it, but I will; I'm happy she's had enough of her mom."

I must be horrible too... I am just waiting for the day!

It seems as if my SD is living a nearly parallel life as your sD, just lagging behind a few years. She is still disillusioned about her mom and has fantasies about what her life with mom would be like, etc. It's all butterflies & rainbows... in her dreams.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2009 at 12:57PM
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lamom

martha,

What a sad situation. My SD36 was really raised by her grandmother, not BM, DH's ex-wife. SD and BM are friendly, SD refers to her mother by her first name, but it's the grandmother who really is the important mother figure in SD's life.

That is what will probably happen for you especially as your SD continues to mature. It sounds like the SD is seeing her BM with clearer eyes which is sad, but often necessary. You keep doing the right thing by that girl, she needs you and her dad.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2009 at 5:02PM
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sweeby

JNM -- Have you ever read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I know I may sound like a broken record on that, but from your descriptions, BM sure seems to fit the mold...

    Bookmark   September 30, 2009 at 5:50PM
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yabber

"I'm horrible for saying it, but I will; I'm happy she's had enough of her mom."

Of course you're not a horrible person. You are not saying that because you are happy that SD doesn't get along with her mom. You're just relieved that SD is not following in BM's footsteps, I would be too!!

    Bookmark   September 30, 2009 at 9:00PM
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