I Can Feel The Anxiety Building Already

ashley1979September 27, 2011

It's only Tuesday and I'm already starting to panic about DS going to his dad's this weekend. And DS is, too. On Saturday he told me that half of our last weekend for 3 weeks together.

I'm so bummed!!!

I know most of this is X's ploys to get sympathy and such, but I'm so sick of the little things he does to make DS miserable. Here is a brief list of little things he did the past 2 weeks:

1. Threatened to pick him up on his regularly-scheduled weekday that he hasn't taken in 8 years, making DS not be able to go to the activity he loves to go to on that particular night, then waited until that day about 3pm to say he wasn't going to do it.

2. Didn't show up at DS's sports event this past weekend.

3. Texted DS the day AFTER his grandmother's birthday asking if he remembered to call and tell her happy birthday YESTERDAY (making a 12 year old feel bad that he missed his grandmother's birthday).

4. Not telling DS or me whether he is going to take him to his sports events this weekend so we are having to wait and see.

All of this because X is mad at ME and I SERIOUSLY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID TO HIM!

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Sorry, Ashley. It's really a shame that your ex plays such tormenting games not only with you, but Jr Ashley too. I was just reading the post you made earlier this month about how the guy yanked Jr out of Gma's house in the wee hours and was drunk and you walking down the road. This guy sounds like he has a long history of being an abusive *ss.

I would not knock yourself out trying to think of what you did to set him off this time. It was likely nothing at all. You simply exist and are an easy target for his crap. Saddest part is, now so is Jr Ashley. I think that's the key to helping your son through...helping him understand that HE has done nothing and whatever cob Dad has up his rump this time has little to nothing to do with anything son has done or not done. Without bad mouthing his father to the child, he's old enough to know Dad has some anger/control issues. Is Dad still a drinker? Alcohol can feed people who already have abusive/control problems. If the guy is still a drinker, perhaps something like support group of children of alcoholics?

The making the child wait about letting plans known (like the events and whether he'll be able to go) is Dad's way of trying to control. The actions likely give Dad a sense of power. While Dad can't control everything that occurs in your home, he's bent on controling the things he knows he still can. Abusive jerk.

Guilt tripping the child over phone calls is petty. Take that little part of Dad's control attempt away. Make a calendar for son and mark all the important to him days on it with little alert reminders. He's 12, he can remember than each month when he glances at the calendar not only his events and plans but the little things that all people easily 'forget'. Nobody means to 'forget' people's birthdays or anniversaries whatnot, they just naturally get wrapped up into their own daily life and it slips their mind that TODAY is actually that day.

No need to for the child to feel bad about dirty clothes in his travel bag either. Not his fault and nothing he can do about it...it's no reflection on the child. It's the Dad who didn't want to freshen up the child's things. The child is not responsible for the actions of other people. He's old enough to understand he can't be responsible for whatever faults (or cobs) his father has. yeah, I get dad is trying to deliberately punish, but merely strike it up to 'Dad didn't have time and/or want to wash this weekend, no problem, I'll get it right in the washer'. Don't make an issue out of it. The child is going to sense when you are anger and/or put out by Dad's crap and the child will therefore feel hard feelings. Upset Dad failed him and fear Mom will get mad over it. Make it a nonissue.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2011 at 8:35AM
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Ugh. I completely understand! Ex does the same thing to me/us. We honestly never know if he's going to follow through. Each time HIS weekend with them is approaching, the kids start to talk about how they do not want to go to their dads. I'm sure you didn't do anything to this man. He just sounds like an a$$hole.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2011 at 9:57AM
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Oh thank you, JMT! I thought about your advice all weekend while X and GF made jerks out of themselves, yet again. So much so that DS is a basket-case about having to go there again this weekend. He had forgotten this coming weekend was actually the 1st weekend of October, therefore, he has to go two weekends in a row. Also, it's a 3-day weekend, and he is afraid it will turn out like the last 3-day weekend.

This past weekend was better, but DS was still super-happy to be home. He even told me at his sports event on Sunday that he couldn't wait to see me that night.

You both are probably right...it's probably nothing I did, but I am a convenient target. In X's mind (and GF's, too) I ruined his life when I left him and stole his son. He is, and has always been, in complete denial that anything he did to me was his fault.

Like a textbook abuser, he would say "I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have pushed me." True, I shouldn't have pushed him, but the line was/is always moving and I can't have my son living like that!

Here's the latest...DS told me Sunday afternoon at his sports event that he got bit by a dog on Saturday, but that it wasn't bad and he had it wrapped up so it wouldn't get dirty. When he got home on Sunday night I helped him re-dress it and...it is worse than I expected. Probably needed stitches or glue on the inside. Too late by the time I found out about it. What makes it worse is that it's on his ankle on the side of the achiles tendon, which, because of the constant movement of this area, makes it keep opening up. Monday, it was swollen, red and throbbing so much so that I had to talk to his coach to see if he could sit out of conditioning. DS was nearly in tears! It is much, much, much better now, but it will probably be a scar, which is fine.

Here are the things that really bother me:

1) No one told me about it until a day after it happened.
3) Because no one told me, I was never even given the option of paying for the doctor's visit if I thought it was warranted.
2) I don't even know if the people who own the dog offered to pay for it, because, if so, they SHOULD be paying for whatever damage was caused by THEIR dog. I doubt it though because they're X's "friends" aka partners in bashing me (according to DS).
3) Because DS didn't go to the doctor he didn't get a tetanus shot. Not that he has tetanus, but it's always a possibility with those things.
4) It could've gotten infected, and because it probably needed to be glued insie the wound, the possibility is still there.
5) I have no idea if that dog was vaccinated or not.

OH, and then, DS told me that GF told him that if he wanted clean clothes that he had to wash them because SHE wanted to make sure he was ready for college.


I really don't mind if DS does his laundry, as he does it at home, but what business is it of hers if he knows how to do laundry in college? I seriously doubt that if he needs laundry done when he's in college that he'll bring it to HER.

Also, they only get him 4 days per month, and they're gonna be like that? HE IS 1 PERSON!!! It's not like 3 kids are there or that they have other people in their home to take care of!!! He is 1 kid who wears 2 outfits!! Big whoopty freakin dooooooooo! Why pick at him?

UGH! I feel like they are just picking at him for no reason!

    Bookmark   October 5, 2011 at 2:53PM
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Ashley, you are very lucky you got out of this relationship. In my home town a man was just convicted of murdering his wife and her unborn child. He had been abusing her. You should be proud you got out when you did.

I think you should still report this dog bite to the police. It needs to be documented so if the dog repeatedly does it it can be dealt with. Also, you should probably still take your ds to the dr. You don't know if the dog was vaccinated and that could cause problems. You also will then have proof that this happened if problems continue to happen with ds it with his bd.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2011 at 8:30AM
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