Do I tell or not??

mom2emallSeptember 3, 2009

My sd has a friend who is 13. We have been friendly with the family for a few years and a few months ago the girls father passed away in a bad accident. My sd and her have stayed friends and I still talk to the mom often. My dilemma is I think the girl may be hanging out with boys before the mom gets home from work. I think this because my sd said to the neighbor boy the other day that her friend might be "giggity giggity" with some boy. I overheard and I asked her about that comment and she said it is from Family Guy and she was just joking.

So I know that her friend and her text message a lot so when she was in the shower I checked her texts. Her friend said something about seeing the boys bedroom and the boy showing her his boxers. And then she was talking about how she really liked him and wanted to be his gf.

Should I tell the mom what I heard and tell her I just wanted to let her know and please do not mention my sd or me if she asks her dd (I don't want to ruin their friendship). Or should I leave it alone??

I would want to know this info if it were me...but it could be harmless and the mom could be offended that I said anything. I don't want her to think I am insinuating her daughter is doing something wrong....but I am concerned. What should I do??

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I can hear your heart is in the right place. First, I'ld be careful about letting anyone know you read SDs texts. Even if you have an understanding as to that, it could embarrass SD. Understandings of such are private, and should stay in family. And it could result in her friends not communicating with her freely. Once the cat is out of the bag, kids may be more discrete.

IMHO, 13 is too young to be home without supervision. Obviously the family is going through a rough time. If SD and the girl go to the same school, could you check --are there any after school programs? If so, you could give the mom a heads up for programs. I dont think I would let my D when she was 13 over at a friends after school when routinely parents were not home.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 5:16PM
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Are you serious, kkny? You think thirteen is too young to stay at home without supervision? Wow! I hope you realize that not all parents can watch their teens and pre-teens 24/7 because they do have to work. 13 is certainly old enough to stay home alone for a few hours after school.

If the mom and I were friends, I would casually mention it to her that I overheard the girls talking and from that conversation got the impression that her daughter may be having boys over while she is at work. I would also ask the mom not to mention how she learned that information. As a parent, I, like you, would certainly want to know this information if someone were aware of it. It takes a village. When I was growing up, all parents in the neighborhood watched out for each other's children. If any adult caught you doing something wrong, you better believe your parents would be informed. That's as it should be, I think.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 5:44PM
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I have worked full time since D was about 12. I always made certain she was not unsupervised, until she was a senior in HS, and clearly focused. As to a village, when every mom works, as most do, please explain how anyone can watch kids. I belive in personal responsiblity, whehter we are talking about kids or adults.

Tell the mom you overheard, and my guess is, quicker than a speeding bullet, the SD will figure out what happened. If you want to shut down communications, go for it.

IMHO, kids exagerate - hard to tell what really happeneed.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 6:09PM
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I think 13 is okay to be alone except when it comes to boys coming over and you can't stop that. Girls are more vulnerable than boys. I know of a situation like that and the girl was having sex at that age while her mom was at work.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 7:05PM
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Stargazer -- how you stop it is by having an adult there, or having 13yo attend healthy supervised activities. To rely on neighbors to give you a heads up is unrealistic -- just as someone said who doesnt work, well golly gee that applies to neighbors also.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 9:06PM
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I think I am going to just stay out of it at this point. The info I have could be innocent (though being alone with a boy is a bad idea) and I don't want to hurt my sd's friendships or have her upset with me. The girls do not go to the same school or I would just invite her to come here after school.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 11:17PM
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Earlier this afternoon, I was watching SD at a swim lesson & there were teens from the team gathering for their practice. A girl about 15 or 16 tells a boy from the team, in a sexy drawl, "wanna take a shower with me?" and then tells him "you know you do!" Now, she was using the outside shower and wearing her swimsuit, but it was an eye opener on how kids talk to each other when parents are not around.... I would not leave a 13 year old girl home alone. First, even if she is a good girl and would never let a boy come over, there are predators to worry about. Too many young girls have been attacked in their own homes because they were home alone while parents are out or working. (one is too many!) Occasionally leaving a teen home for a few hours to go shopping or out is one thing... every day after school when they know you won't be home until a certain time... too much can happen. Sadly, many parents don't know their kids as well as they think they do. I hear how my DD's friends have talked when they are over... and as much as I want to think my DD is perfect, I'm sure she probably acts, says or does things when she's at her friend's house that she would never do around me... I think it's a part of developing independence.

I might engage the other mom in a general conversation about stuff kids do when parent's aren't home. Maybe make up a story about a fictional girl that got into trouble while unsupervised... at least let her think about possible scenarios and consequences. That way, you are not ratting out the daughter or violating any trust, but having a mother to mother conversation about the dangers of kids being home alone... and things that might happen.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 1:03AM
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Ima, I agree with you as to not leaving 13 YO home alone. Even this summer, when my D was 17, if I needed her at home to let plumber home, etc, I made certain she had a friend with her. You have a lot of good ideas how to bring up subject without ratting out D and losing trust.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 10:36AM
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DD let two neighbour kids in our apartment on few occassions, they stole our extra key and when we went on a day trip they stole stuff from us. They eventually ended up in juvenille for other stuff. DD only had to stay alone for few hours and she was told not to let anyone in, yet she did. She is not a lying sneaking type yet she did what she was told not to do, she was maybe 14 or so. She felt very guilty because it was her fault we had money stolen. Even the most wonderful children will do stupid stuff.

Frankly if I would be that mother i would want to know what my DD up to when she is home alone. I don't know how to bring it to a parent but i bet you that mother would want to know what is going on.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 12:10PM
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The problem is I don't know how to tell her without bring sd's cell phone into it. What sd said to the neighbor is not enough to go on by itself. And even with the texts it just leaves a bad idea in my mind....but no actual proof.
I am just going to keep my ears open and if I hear more then I will try to do something.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 2:54PM
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