Hello to all, and thank you for reading.
My fiance' and I are both 38 years old. I've never been married, and have no children. He's divorced with two girls, the eldest is 13, the youngest 9. We have been engaged since April and have been happily planning our lives together despite many obstacles, and have sailed right through any thrown our way until now.
When we first got together, he was ambivalent about the idea of having more children. At times he seemed ok with it, at others it was a soft "no." It wasn't discussed much, more eluded to at times. Given the fact that I wasn't sure I'd ever want to have a baby (about 50/50), the subject didn't come up often.
Last week, we began discussing the idea of having children after a near-miss with our birth control method. To my surprise, he stated adamently that he was NOT going to have any more children, and if I wanted to have a baby, we needed to end the relationship, because he wasn't going to budge. Stunned, I had to leave before I completely gave in to my overwhelming emotions (grief). I sure didn't see that one coming.
One week later, we've had several tentative conversations about the subject (and I promise, during one I let him have it for NEVER clearly stating he didn't want any more children, and at the same time let him hear me own up to equal responsibility because I should have made SURE we were seeing eye-to-eye on that issue before we proceeded with getting engaged). He maintains that he does NOT want children, and I am to not assume that maybe he will change his mind down the road, either, for that matter. He says he loves me enough to let me go if having a baby is the desire of my heart.
I am not sure what the desire of my heart is- but we are both devout Christians, and I've always felt that that decision was best left up to God. I am not asking him specifically to HAVE a baby, I just asked him not to do anything to prevent it while I am still in my childbearing years.
I've never been at such a crossroads. I realize this issue is what some refer to as a "dealbreaker." I truly do not know what to do. I love this man more than anyone, that's why I accepted his proposal. I fully plan on spending the rest of my life with him. His reasoning for not wanting any more children is twofold- he has "been there, done that, doesn't want to go through it again" and because he says it will irrevocably hurt his existing children for he and I to have a child together.
What I think of his reasoning really doesn't matter- he deserves to have his own opinion. I realize we are going in total opposite directions. I love him so much- but am scared to death that if I continue with this relationship, I will resent him for the rest of my life for making a decision that I have always entrusted to God. That said, it's caused me to wonder if he's always going to put his own wants and desires first when it comes to any decision he and I make.
We are taking a "breather" while I decide what I am going to do. I have never been so torn in my entire life. He is a lay minister and loves his girls to distraction, I just am having trouble believing that a man that entrusts his every decision to God is leaving Him out of this one completely.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom they could spare right now? Thank you again for your time and consideration. :(