New here, need advice

kittykat_6306September 22, 2009

I have one step daughter. Her father and I have been together almost 9 years and married over 3. We are expecting our first child together any day now. When we told her we were pregnant, she said "you don't need anymore kids". She is 20 years old and that was her reaction. DH told her that he wasn't asking permission, that we made this decision together and are happy with it.

Well fast forward 5 months, guess who's pregnant? YEP, SD. She has no job, no education, and no where to live and got pregnant on purpose. Why? Because she thought that DH would leave me to take care of her since she is pregnant. Boy was she mad when he informed her that she is on her own and not to come to him for help no matter what she needs.

I know that I shouldn't complain since DH is putting me and our new baby first, but really, how can someone be that selfish? I really want to distance myself from this whole situation. Any advice?

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I guess I'm being a ditz, but I don't really get what you are asking for advice on, nor do I think we've gotten a full 'story'.

So what's with the 'me or her' bit? Why would SD think either right or wrong that by getting pregnant her father would then leave his pregnant wife? I assume there is a bio-father for SD's baby-to-be.

And I'm not sure where the 'not to come to him for help no matter what she needs' is coming from on dad's part. Is this all stemming back to the fact the SD was not thrilled to hear of you and dad having a child, as in a grudge thing? While I could understand dad not expecting to raise and support the pg daughter and future grandchild, I'm not getting the need to turn his back 'no matter what'.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2009 at 5:41PM
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Not very many adult stepkids know what to say when their parent tells me they are having another child when the "stepkid" is an adult. It is a shock, a big one for most. I have never said anything outlandish and have tried to be as outwardly supportive as possible, but I will say in the back of my mind I wonder what the motives are. But that is strictly because of the background on my situation.

Certainly her reaction was not classy but as Justmetoo stated, I wonder what is the more to this story. Her statement would not lead anyone to believe that she got pregnant on purpose to compete with you and expect her father to support her. I'm actually more shocked at her fathers reaction to her pregnancy and being a Grandpa, then her classless one liner.

And what does he mean by no help whatsoever? That is a curious statement. Most new moms ask their parents for advice, is that out of line since it is considered help? I guess I don't quite get what you were saying.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2009 at 6:06PM
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"Because she thought that DH would leave me to take care of her since she is pregnant"

Ditto what justmetoo said. I don't understand why SD would think that your DH would "leave you" to care for her and her baby. I'm not really understanding this particular issue.

I have to say, as a former single mom who had a DD when I was 21 and still in college, I am a bit taken aback at your DH's harsh "turning his back" stance. Of course he should not be expected to support or raise his grandchild. I mean, has he cut her out of his life completely, or is he just saying that financially she is on her own? The former I don't like, the latter is okay.

Please tell me he plans to try to have a normal father/daughter relationship with her, no matter if she is pregnant or not. I agree, her baby is not his responsibility but it WILL be his grandchild and I would hope he would want to be an active grandparent.

"While I could understand dad not expecting to raise and support the pg daughter and future grandchild, I'm not getting the need to turn his back 'no matter what'. "

100% agree!

I can see how this whole situation would breed resentment for you, though. This is YOUR first baby with your husband and it must be annoyng to have SD pregnant and maybe you feel like she is stealing some of "your and DH's experience." It is too bad that what should be a happy time for you and DH is now being clouded by SD's less-than-timely pregnancy and all the emotions that go along with that. I can understand that completely.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2009 at 6:12PM
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Well, we know that she thought he would leave because when he told her she was an adult and to start acting like it she told him that was her plan. She isn't even sure who the father is, it could be one of 4 guys. She has major entitlement issues and is used to everyone bailing her out when she gets into trouble. Like when she was asked to move out of our house last year for stealing over $800 her mom let her move in. Then when she stole from her mom, her grandpa let her move in. Then she wrecked her 4th car, grandpa bought her a new one.

She also has no job and told us that since we won't help her finacially that she will just have to live on welfare. DH doesn't work, I am the one who works and when we got married the two of them moved into my house, I bought her fer first car, and now she feels that she is entitled to my money.

I am sick of her screwing up her life and expecting everyone to cover for her. She has no one left, her mom won't help, and barely talks to her. Her grandparents on both sides are mad and won't let her live with them either.

DH told her not to come to him for help after she asked him to leave me because she needed the help. If that makes him a horrible father then so be it, I don't think that says nearly as much about him as it does her to think that was ok.

I was asking for advice on how I should handle the situation. I don't tell him who to talk to or what to do. That is up to him. However, I don't have to talk to everyone he talks to and after everything else that has happened in the past I really just want to distance myself from her and her dysfunction. I know that part of the problem is her friends and the drugs she is using, but that's not my problem, she is an adult. I think it best if I just keep my distance for now, and see how the future works out. But is that possible?

    Bookmark   September 23, 2009 at 9:12AM
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hmmm, at last a bit more of the background. Off the bat I'm sensing a communication issue, but that is neither here nor there for now.

Your daughter seems to be full of self destructive behavior that I don't think 'you' or your husband can deal with by yourselves and things have gotten to the point that neither of you have any desire to.

Bad influence of friends, drugs, lack of responsiblity, shuffled from home to home with sub-parent to sub-parent.

In my humble opinion worth of 2 cents, your SD is in need of some serious intervention that it might be a good thing if she does the welfare into the state system bit. At least in the system she may be guided into some counseling/rehab, parenting classes if she manages to carry child to term, job training with additional education chances ect.

They will help her with DNA testing for bio-dad information also.

This girl's future is in her own hands and she has to want to want to turn her life around, but the 'you're an adult, act like one' I'm not sure can be totally used here. She sounds like she has lots of issues and it's not a simple matter of 'grow up'.

I'm not even going to ask why the girl was given 4 vehicles after already having 3 accidents.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2009 at 11:22AM
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SD doesn't work... but neither does your DH.

I find it hard to belive that she actually asked her dad to leave his wife to be with her.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2009 at 12:02PM
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I don't understand the questions. What is there for you to handle? And how can you distance yourself any farther than you already stand since you haven't told us how you are involved?

She wants him to leave to take care of her. He didn't. What is there for you to handle?

You don't like how immature and irresponsible she is. You don't like how one of her family members after another try to help her out until she bites their hand. What has that to do with you? You're not taking care of her. She doesn't live with you. You're not responsible for her and don't contribute. How much father can you get without leaving your husband?

    Bookmark   September 23, 2009 at 2:45PM
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Yes, I have advice for you. Get down on your knees and thank God for that man. You are one lucky woman.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2009 at 2:57PM
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"I find it hard to belive that she actually asked her dad to leave his wife to be with her."

Haha, FD, I had a creepy incestuous (is that a word?) vibe about that one!

    Bookmark   September 23, 2009 at 3:07PM
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This truly sounds like something from daytime television! I have to agree with thermometer. The SD would be a non-issue at this point. Kittykat, please stop being so insecure.. you have the man, your home and your new baby coming... It's all good!

    Bookmark   September 23, 2009 at 4:26PM
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Ya I really think you don't need any advice. Your dh needs to let sd know that she got pregnant on purpose so now she can deal with the consequences. If her goal is to live on welfare forever than she can see how that works out for her!

You can not make someone want to do better. You just have to let them fail and make up their own minds.

I am glad that your dh does see past her tactics.

    Bookmark   September 24, 2009 at 1:36PM
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Wow, all I can say is I agre there is nothing more for you to do but consider yourself blessed to have a Hubs that backs you up.

I'd let things lie sit back enjoy your pregnancy & all that brings you & dh.

    Bookmark   September 24, 2009 at 1:50PM
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I'm on board with Thermometer too. This SD getting pregnant is not your problem. It's not really your husband's problem either since she is an adult but no doubt he loves her and is distressed about her situation. My DH constantly threatens to cut off his trifling SS29 but still slips him cash, picks him up, buys clothes for the grandkids etc. even though he regularly declares that he won't.

It sounds to me like the statement "when he informed her that she is on her own and not to come to him for help no matter what she needs." was said in anger and disappointment about this pregnancy. He'll rise to the occasion but he's got a lot on the plate, a pregnant wife and a pregnant daughter with no job!

As a friend of mine told me while I was pregnant and SS was having problems, put your feet up and look pretty! You don't have to worry about any of this mess. The idea that your DH was going to leave you to care for an irresponsible grown daughter is a new one on me. I've never heard of such a thing. Maybe he'll be split supporting the two of you as best he can, but leave you for a grown daughter? Not in real life!

    Bookmark   September 30, 2009 at 8:32PM
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