Putting this BD in perspective
I am a child of divorce, my parents divorced when I was 14 and my brother 9. Their marriage broke up because of TOW. Mom fought for sole custody, but dad won shared custody, so for 3 days out of the week we had to go to the step house (house ruled by TOW), we could not go home. BD only wanted shared custody so he didnt have to feel like he abandoned us, but he abandoned us emotionally every day at the step house.
TOW got off on the fact that she had the power to take mummyÂs husband, and also on the fact that all she had to do was screw up her sweet face, and daddy would bend all of us over backward to accommodate her. God forbid she stays upset.
Mummy retaliated alot for the way we were treated, but all she could do was fume, she couldnÂt really prove abuse, we were Âonly a little hurtÂ ALOT! My grandmother came to visit us at this time, and gave mummy some life altering advice for all of us..."STOP letting your children see you angry and upset, it scares them whether you know it or not, and STOP teaching your daughter that mothers and women are beggars! A real MAN would protect his girls, from the oldest to the youngest, and never leave his family exposed to another man, there are predators that prey on divorced mothers these days."
So mummy became strategic. She disengaged TOW completely, even got a restraining order to prevent her from coming onto the property at pick up times. Mummy got her life in order, took care of herself and started seeing a man she later described as ÂhumbleÂ, not the narcissist that daddy is. It was hard for me personally to trust him, but my brother liked him early on. She later said that she taught me to trust him by simply pointing out that when I came home he was always still there, and he really worked hard being patient with my anger and meeting my needs especially for a father figure who listened to me.
Mummy confided that she was not in love with him when they eventually married, but that he was a MAN unlike the one she used to know, and that he actually worked for her, not her working for his needs always, he was capable of reciprocation, and not only on birthdays or Christmas. They still go on dates.
She did these things to demonstrate what we deserved in a home life, instead of trying to force it out of someone who didnÂt have it to give. And in so doing she really undid alot of the effect that daddy was having on us both. We tolerated the step house for the few days and then we went home, until I turned fifteen and told daddy straight out that "I AM NOT COMING HERE AGAIN, YOU CANNOT COURT ORDER MY FEET". Mummy told me recently that this pleased her, because it showed that I didn't believe I needed his crumbs, of course my brother followed.
I am now marrying an also humble man, I have had the fun boyfriends, but I am ready for a MAN now, and because of mummyÂs strategy, I am not messed up like some of the others in group, but I know what to do.
Of course we were in family therapy, but the progressive kind with action groups and so on. So this really gave my brother and me a sense of control over our lives and situation.
By the way, daddy now regrets, he can barely face us sometimes. I saw mom tell him off shortly after we refused to go back to the step house, he blamed her for "turning us against him", but she would never tell me what she said to that.
Please some thoughts...