Putting this BD in perspective

aishaSeptember 25, 2007

I am a child of divorce, my parents divorced when I was 14 and my brother 9. Their marriage broke up because of TOW. Mom fought for sole custody, but dad won shared custody, so for 3 days out of the week we had to go to the step house (house ruled by TOW), we could not go home. BD only wanted shared custody so he didnt have to feel like he abandoned us, but he abandoned us emotionally every day at the step house.

TOW got off on the fact that she had the power to take mummyÂs husband, and also on the fact that all she had to do was screw up her sweet face, and daddy would bend all of us over backward to accommodate her. God forbid she stays upset.

Mummy retaliated alot for the way we were treated, but all she could do was fume, she couldnÂt really prove abuse, we were Âonly a little hurt ALOT! My grandmother came to visit us at this time, and gave mummy some life altering advice for all of us..."STOP letting your children see you angry and upset, it scares them whether you know it or not, and STOP teaching your daughter that mothers and women are beggars! A real MAN would protect his girls, from the oldest to the youngest, and never leave his family exposed to another man, there are predators that prey on divorced mothers these days."

So mummy became strategic. She disengaged TOW completely, even got a restraining order to prevent her from coming onto the property at pick up times. Mummy got her life in order, took care of herself and started seeing a man she later described as ÂhumbleÂ, not the narcissist that daddy is. It was hard for me personally to trust him, but my brother liked him early on. She later said that she taught me to trust him by simply pointing out that when I came home he was always still there, and he really worked hard being patient with my anger and meeting my needs especially for a father figure who listened to me.

Mummy confided that she was not in love with him when they eventually married, but that he was a MAN unlike the one she used to know, and that he actually worked for her, not her working for his needs always, he was capable of reciprocation, and not only on birthdays or Christmas. They still go on dates.

She did these things to demonstrate what we deserved in a home life, instead of trying to force it out of someone who didnÂt have it to give. And in so doing she really undid alot of the effect that daddy was having on us both. We tolerated the step house for the few days and then we went home, until I turned fifteen and told daddy straight out that "I AM NOT COMING HERE AGAIN, YOU CANNOT COURT ORDER MY FEET". Mummy told me recently that this pleased her, because it showed that I didn't believe I needed his crumbs, of course my brother followed.

I am now marrying an also humble man, I have had the fun boyfriends, but I am ready for a MAN now, and because of mummyÂs strategy, I am not messed up like some of the others in group, but I know what to do.

Of course we were in family therapy, but the progressive kind with action groups and so on. So this really gave my brother and me a sense of control over our lives and situation.

By the way, daddy now regrets, he can barely face us sometimes. I saw mom tell him off shortly after we refused to go back to the step house, he blamed her for "turning us against him", but she would never tell me what she said to that.

Please some thoughts...

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omg, rambled on so much i forgot my own point, I need a diplomatic way to uninvite BD from my wedding, He is feeling badly nowadays, but I need a good wedding.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2007 at 9:38PM
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Have you already sent him an invitation?

    Bookmark   September 25, 2007 at 9:54PM
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Aisha, I can totally relate. My BD dropped the ball on his family years ago. He's trying to make amends now, such as it is, but I have sisters who will not give him the time of day.

I have often thought of what the appropriate thing to do is in this circumstance and have come to the conclusion that honesty -- bald-faced, in-your-face honesty -- is the best policy.

I would send your BD a letter that says the following:

Dear Dad,

I am getting married on ______. This letter is to make sure you understand that I don't want you there.

I am not doing this to hurt you because if that was my intent, it would never come close to how much you've hurt me over the years.

I am asking you not to come to my wedding because it is a day that is supposed to be joyful and seeing you brings nothing but negative feelings and pain.

I'm not going to rehash past history or argue this point with you. You say you want to be a better father or try to make right what was wrong in the past. If you care about me and what makes me happy, you will stay away from my wedding.

Your daughter,

etc. etc.

Aisha, I've written that letter, in my head, a thousand times. I'll never understand how men can harden their hards so much to their own children. And truly, what I cannot understand is how they can expect those same children to take that kind of abuse year after year and still feel any sort of love and respect.

I salute you for your strong-willed determination to not "settle" for just any guy. Too many women compromise themselves to have a man -- any man -- instead of looking for the right one.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 1:02AM
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I did you one better, I went into his office this morning to talk with him. I had already made it clear when he met my guy, that SD would be giving me away at the wedding... so I launched; I need you to know that I cannot accommodate TOW and you at my wedding, I am tired of her using you to impose her will on our lives, and she is expressing way too many ideas about my big day. I no longer want you to pay for anything, SD has agreed to foot the entire bill for my comfort and all of our happiness. Not to mention I WILL NOT ALLOW MY MOTHER TO BE QUESTIONED. We will not pay for your choices on my day.

He looked disappointed, to be honest, but I was hoping that he would at least choose to comply with us, and attend anyway. But, he agreed and said that he hopes I have a great wedding and all the best, also that he wasnt looking forward to watching another man give me away anyway.

I took the opportunity to inform that this is way the woman who carried us inside of her must have felt watching the father of her children sacrifice all of us to honour the unreasonable wishes of another woman, I have seen the home videos, she wouldnt let our little heads roll to the side. He said nothing, I left, and am now incredibly relieved. I know them, there will be something more to say tomorrow.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 2:15PM
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Wow, Aisha, I am impressed with the way you handled things with your dad. Good going!

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 2:39PM
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lilysuzanne40, TOW asked to see me. We are meeting tommorow. thnx for the advice some more words please.

I am going brave.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 8:22PM
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Be brave. Your SM seems like one who gloats becuase she nabbed your Dad away from mom, and thinks she is entitled to everything of his, including his children. It is probably too late, but if you have a recorder bring it with you and keep in your purse. Maybe you can call/email and reschedule lunch. In any event, assume she is recording conversation.

If she complains that you dont respect her/dont respect her marriage, just say politely that she didnt respect your parents marriage.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 11:10PM
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before you tape anything please check your state laws regarding taped face to face conversations. Though federal law allows it, some states (including mine) prohibit it. They do allow taping of a phone conversation though. Go figure.

Good luck to you. Stick to your guns and be strong. It is your day, and if you choose to try to work on the relationships with them it can always be after the wedding.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2007 at 11:57PM
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My stepmother asked for a face-to-face meeting with me. Much to my regret, I didn't tape it. Later, I learned she lied to my dad about what happened, which was a huge part of the reason he turned his back on me.

Be careful. Go to a public place, with people all around you. Tape it, if you can. If you can't, get someone you know to go to the restaurant (or wherever) too, sit next to you and eavesdrop on the conversation. Witnesses are important.

You must be as calculating as this woman is (I've said this before to someone else ... lol). Your dad obviously went crying to his wifey and she's going to set you straight now. Stay calm. Stay resolute. And resist the urge to tell her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. I suspect she's going to take this opportunity to rehash all your alleged sins from years past as a way of making you feel guilty. She's probably angling to get you to re-invite your dad (and her, by extension). All of which is designed to let them get another crack at making you and your family miserable.

I could loan you my sister. When my SM tried to get confrontational with me, my sister stepped between us, put her forefinger in my SM's chest and said, "Are you threatening my SISTER? Is that what you're doing?" She proceeded to back her into a corner and then tell her what would happen if she ever did that again. A ferocious gal, my sis. lol

Good luck.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2007 at 12:54AM
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What some people want is the appearance of a family, not a family. My X is quick to drag DD to family or work outings. Has to show he is a responsible dad. It may be your dad just doesnt want to admit the truth of the relationship to people, even if causes you pain.

I beleive the only rules against taping in person are in someones house (possibly car), or where tehy have an expecation of privacy. Not a restaurant, where passers by and busboys, etc could overhear.

TOW has shown she should not be trusted. Just be polite and act as if the converation was being recorded.

Some lines to remember.

I am sorry you feel that way, but on my Wedding day, that is not going to happen.

This is between me and my Dad, and I have spoken to him.

I dont think we have any more to say, this conversation is not productive at this point, so I think it is best if I leave.

Make certain you have money, with small bills and change, to leave for your share. So you dont have to wait for change. And make certain to say at the end.

I am sorry things have worked out the way the have. Here is my share of lunch.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2007 at 8:34AM
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OMG! What a day. What is the universe saying to me. I arrive at lunch 10 mins early to grab a drink and calm my nerves, and TOW was waiting. We say hello and she starts before I can even sit, 'your dad deserves to coemt o your wedding, and by the way, you cannot have his mother's ring'.

I cracked up, the absurdity, not what I expected. She tells me that I have a problem, I tell that I have a great life and have no problems, but that I know daddy's problem. In a most uncanny and calm tone i simply told her, that he is seeing his grandkids flashing before his eyes, and that he knows that with her present he will likely not know them, and further that he is currently weighing what he is loosing against regularly screwing her, and that she is coming up short.

She now accuses me of being as vindictive as my mother, after all, all of these problems are because BM turned us against her. WHAT! I ramained calm, my hands shaking, I said that I am sorry that daddy is finally coming to the conclusion that all of had years ago, that she is just a complication, and that with all the power she thinks she has over him, she still needs us to validate her position and that I am no longer available for that. Have a good life. And with that I uped and left. I had to walk around the corner, to wash my face before I left.

Cut to 15 mins later, I get a call from daddy's lawyer, saying that he needs to talk to me on apersonal matter of daddy's. I meet him at a nice sportsbar about 5 mins from home, He gives me daddy's mother's ring. and says that daddy has updated his will, leaving his house to me, and the boat he waited 10 yrs to buy, to my brother.

Thanks guys for all the advise. I did tape everything with her and the lawyer, but now that I am listeniong to it, none of it was really that bad. I did make notes of what I was going to say to her before hand, I was not derailed, thank God.

Completely confused now. Don't know what to think. Dare I assume that TOW is on the way out. What the hell is going on?!!

    Bookmark   September 27, 2007 at 2:57PM
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I hope things work well for you. If you are able to put togethor a relationship with your Dad now, that would be good. I would emphasize with him that he has caused a lot of pain to you and your mom. As someone here has said, women look to words, men to action. Changing his will could be a very big thing to him, and mean more than an apology. Maybe therapy would be a good idea. How do you feel as a compromise, that he can come to wedding, but no SM and you walk down the aisle by your self, and when the minister asks who gives the bride away, your mom, sd and dad all stand up and say we do.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2007 at 3:32PM
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Have you considered the option of not having anybody give you away? It is quite common for brides to not include that part, since a lot of people view it as harking back to the days when daughters were little more than chattel.

Does your father know where you are getting married? I would recommend not telling him for fear that he would let it slip to TOW. I would worry that if you did invite him on the condition that TOW not come along, that she would show up and cause a scene.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2007 at 9:50PM
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You can't see me right now, Aisha, but I'm whooping and hollering. Way to go, girl!!!!!

*laughing out loud* .... "he is seeing his grandkids flashing before his eyes, and that he knows that with her present he will likely not know them, and further that he is currently weighing what he is loosing against regularly screwing her, and that she is coming up short."

That is just too good. Given your father's actions later, I have no doubt that's exactly what's going through his mind. You stepmonster sounds like a piece of work -- just like mine, to be honest. I love that "he deserves to come to your wedding and by the way, you can't have his mother's ring." Women like that are stunningly predictable. Just because they reduce everything to material concerns, they think everyone else does to. Ignorant skanks, the lot of them.

I still remember the best thing I ever said to my stepmother. She said, "I want what I deserve. I deserve an apology!" I just looked at her and said, "If I ever gave you what you deserved, there would be blood and lots of screaming. Be grateful you're not getting what you deserve."

You rock, Aisha.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 1:59AM
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Good for you! I wish I had your courage!

"Just because they reduce everything to material concerns, they think everyone else does to. Ignorant skanks, the lot of them."

That is so true, I remember my SM complaining to my husband that I got a portion of my mothers life insurance (umm..it was in her will?) Thank God he reamed her a new one on why she thinks she should benefit any further from the death of my loved one who had nothing to do with her.

I pray for you Aisha your father gains a new perspective from all of this!!!

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 9:04AM
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Good for you.

I am so glad I came to this forum. I realize now that in many TOWs, the woman knows no boundaries and expects that everything is hers. Which is why she had an affair with a married man in the first place. Many may say oh, his marriage was dead, they wre married in name only. A woman with integrity will not date a man until his divorce is final. And a woman who wants a relationship with a man with children (or baggage) will wait a decent period.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 9:38AM
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Aisha my BD did that to, he would backhand me at the table for her, beat me for her, leave me out of everything for her. I next to disowned him to, called him a few choice words, told him his b----s ment nothing to me. And no matter how old and decrepided we got he was still responsible for how he treated me if he wanted a relationship with me. He became very giving and kind and all the past that I couldn't get resolved all of those years got behind us when I let him have it. His new woman is a --- He leaves her out of our outings and business now. I think you've turned a big corner. My Dad didn't see or care till I created enough of a crisis to create a behavior change. The SM or SD sometimes brainwash slowly so the ignorant BP dosn't know whats happening or they rationalize. My Dad just rationalized that he was making me tough so he could do her bidding. Thanks Aisha.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 6:21PM
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Thnx for all the support, I just feel a real sense of urgency about cleaning house before i start my family, you know. I can;t have the same madness even reaching the curb in front of my house.

OK I will ask daddy to come, after all, but on monday, when he is at work, the only time he makes any sense. But definitley minus TOW.

But, I can't not have my step D walk me down the isle, ever sinse I realised that I was willing to get married, I pictures him with me.

Daddy and I will have lots of time to make up for real if that is where this is going. But it will be a long and steadily good way back for him, in other words he must make having him around easier for everyone involved.

I can't settle anymore, when I think of the kids i want, this madness IS NOT TOUCHING THEM!!!

Thanks again guys, will check in after lunch on monday.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2007 at 9:39PM
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Good luck. I think you should see if you can find time to meet dad for lunch, and tell him the truth, that SD will be walking you down aisle, but you are not shutting door on him. He has time to rebuild relationship with you, but it is up to him. He should be grateful you are giving him the chance.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2007 at 11:52AM
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thanks, will make time for a proper meeting to talk, will do thet.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2007 at 7:15PM
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Met BD for lunch today, I employed the words of lilysuzanne40. I told him the truth about the way he broke my heart, and that I feel thet I am ok today because SDad worked so hard to help us as a family to heal.

BD said that he didn't realise that he was hurting us a the time, OK?. But that he now wants to make it right, and that he is happy jjust to be invited and that he just wants us to be happy and my wedding to be what I want. He also wants to continue to see me and my brother regularly, just us. So when asked who gives me away, he will stand with mummy and SD, thanks for that kkny, he liked that.

He assured me that he did not and will not tell TOW where the wedding is, so that she will not show up and ruin it. He knows that she is capable of this.

Surprisingly, she has been really quiet since the news of the will, I was personally expecting all hell and jerry springer to break loose, but nothing. Fortunately, they have no kids, maybe that's why. Daddy had a vasectomy 8 yrs ago and told no one, including TOW, we know because his brother told mummy.

So mummy and sd are ok with the arrangement, i spoke with them before meeting daddy today, and SD is just happy that I haven't changed my mind about him, I have to honor his role in my life in any visible way possible, I mean for a long time I wasn;t even willing to be a wife or have children for fear of reliving my mother's experience and my children going through it too, but that has changed now, go therapy!

You guys have been a real tangible help in pulling this together and aleviating my personal fears of a messy wedding. lilysuzanne40, you have been my virtual bff through this, and kkny you revealed a great perspective. theotherside thanks for the warning of TOW possibly turning up, good show! You have all been just great.

It's put away neatly, so I can now get back to the regular bride stuff.

From the heart, thanks again, for everything.

    Bookmark   October 1, 2007 at 3:47PM
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