My nomination for Worse Mother of the Year

imamommySeptember 3, 2009

When I met BM, I thought "Hey, she's nice!" and "Isn't it great she and DH get along.. not fight like many ex's?" But, I was so fooled....

Over the course of the last four years... she has shown her true colors. It seems the minute DH and I got engaged and moved in together, she has had it out for me. Besides her attacks on me, she has included my adult kids in her accusations. She has proven herself a liar in court and now her BF is finally onto her. (She's saying she's pregnant now that he wants to cut her free... lol, after she told DH a few years ago she had a surgery and can't have kids anymore. hmmm)

But, she gets the prize for worse mother of the year! (of the decade really!) I can totally understand her not liking me (though I don't know what precipitated it) or if she doesn't like DH... or maybe she doesn't want to see him happy with someone else... I get that she may have a problem with us and she doesn't have to like us... but when she takes it out on her own daughter... WTF?

In the last three years, she has:

** Ruined her 8th birthday by starting a fight with DH over the cost of her birthday party. That day, she started a 5 month long contested and bitter custody trial.

** She spent the next 5 months telling SD that DH was trying to take her away and she will never let that happen. She had SD yelling at DH to stop doing this to mom. (taking mom to court)

** A week after the trial, school was starting but BM was too busy with new BF to take SD shopping for school clothes, so I took her. (and paid, BM says she has no money)

** Two weeks after the trial, BM meets BF and moves 3 hours away during DH's week with SD. She doesn't tell us OR SD she is moving. SD is crushed.

** BM spends the next few months, canceling weekends to be with her new BF (isn't new love grand?) and cutting the weekends short when she did take her, by leaving her with her grandma so she could go back to be with BF sooner.

** When SD asks BM why she left, BM tells her daddy took you away from me and promises her that she (SD) can come live with her next year. SD goes around telling everyone at school that she is going to live with mom. (Of course, mom never discussed it with dad and it never happened... leaving SD to look foolish, like she lied) We got to deal with SD's anger, which BM kindly redirected at us.

** BM refused to allow DH to sign SD up for activities because it would 'infringe' on HER time... yet she participates several days a week with BF's kids and when SD is with her, she schleps her off on grandma and BF's parents... and goes to BF's kids' games. We get to deal with her tears and anger when that happens.

** On SD's 9th birthday, she promised to celebrate with her on the next weekend.. but then decided to leave SD with BF's parents and go out with BF. We got to deal with her crying breakdown after THAT visit. (and according to SD, she never did celebrate SD's birthday with her)

** When the issue of child support came up, BM began to make allegations that I am abusing her daughter. She says my son threatened her daughter with a knife. She dropped the allegations once support was ordered against her. Apparently, the supposed 'abuse' was no longer an issue.

** She promised SD she'd come to every track meet & buy her some new running shoes. She then gave DH a check when we picked her up so he could get the shoes (after SD had been with BM all weekend and they could have gone together to pick them out) and the next day, BM called Child support to say she gave DH a direct payment... which was the money for the shoes. She never made it to one track meet... she had a new excuse each time. None of the reasons were ever her fault.

** She ruined SD's 10th birthday by actually coming to get her. She spent the day calling DH, instead of focusing on celebrating with SD, then she left 4 hours early, leaving SD with grandma who proceeded to pick a fight with me in my driveway over a pair of missing pants.

** She started a new court battle just after Easter because child support was on her about the arrears. She again had all these 'abuse' allegations and coached SD to say horrible things about me and my kids.. and this time even DH was a target of the lies. She kept SD thinking all summer that BM was going to get custody and then she did nothing the court ordered, so it is forever pending.. until she can pay or the evaluation that was ordered because the mediator refused to form an opinion. I'm sure she knew BM and SD were lying so she referred it to a full evaluation. Now BM says it isn't gonna happen because it costs almost $6k and she doesn't have that kind of money.

and in between all this crap, BM has lied to SD countless times and keeps SD in constant turmoil. We've put her in counseling and done everything we can to help her deal with the roller coaster her mom has her on. So, SD will remain with us until hell freezes over because that's when I presume BM will do anything she is supposed to...

The reason for today's vent? I am thoroughly disgusted and instead of telling her what I think of her in a blog, which she will surely read... I am venting here. (It does no good to tell her how she's hurting her daughter, she is so angry and hateful toward us, she doesn't seem to care if her daughter is suffering because of it!)

Since SD came back a few weeks ago for school, BM has not responded to any of DH's emails. He informed her about back to school night, she didn't go. He informed her about SD's activities, her only response was that she is taking DH back to court if SD is signed up for anything that infringes upon her time with SD. (DH offered to pick up SD for the activities and let BM make up lost time on his weekends or vacations, so BM would not be losing precious time... that she usually doesn't use anyways because she leaves SD with grandma and BF's parents.) We have not even asked BM to help pay for baseball, swim or dance lessons, I am paying those out of MY pocket because SD really wants to do these things. BM completely ignored DH's request for her to pay half the bus fee. We expected that, but it's $195 and BM hasn't paid a penny in child support since July, so even if she'd pay part it would be nice. We bought all her school supplies and clothes, so he would be happy if BM would pay anything at this point... even just her ordered child support of $216 mo. (not a lot but it would help!) So, here's my frustration today... SD has to play an instrument for school. They play for 5th and 6th grade and the school has limited 'loaner' instruments and we figured if she will need it for two years, it might be cheaper to buy one than rent. So, DH is broke. He is paying the bus fee and so I offered to pay for half of the instrument if BM would pay the other half. I sent her a text message... here is what was said verbatim:

Ima: SD needs a clarinet for school & DH doesn't have the money for it. It's over $200 with the book & reeds. I'll pay half if you'll pay half.

BM: Is that for a brand new one? Let me check the music store up here. They sell used instruments really cheap.

Ima: That's fine but she needs it by Friday. A new one at Sam's Club is $200, but if you want to check out used ones, can you let me know if you find one by this afternoon?

BM: She needs it tomorrow and I just got a txt today? R U kidding

Ima: I can buy it here today if you can reimburse me for half on Sunday. I just figured she should get a new one since she's gonna need it for 5th & 6th grade anyways.

BM: Its funny to think that she will be living there then

Ima: She can play her clarinet wherever she might be living. Are you going to contribute or not?

BM: With what money? I will try and find one today.

UGH!!! It just disgusts me that a mother won't do a damn thing for her own daughter. She won't spend a freakin' penny and it will be interesting to see if grandma, who is 71 now and supposedly moved 3 hours away to where BM is living, will drive all that way (6 hours round trip) to come get SD tomorrow. I seriously doubt BM will come get her own daughter. She hasn't seen SD since the weekend before school started.. and hasn't called, except on BM's birthday... she sent DH a text to have SD call her so she can tell BM happy birthday.. then has SD ask DH to buy BM a gift too.

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Bad mom, but certainly not the worse mother of the year. I've seen far worse. So what was the real purpose of this post? To show what a bad BM you are dealing with and what a fantastic SM you are? I don't doubt your claims about BM at all. What I do question is your motive for this post, particularly given that you seem to believe that all BMs who are not also SMs are usually wrong and SMs can do no wrong. Why was the comparison necessary to rant about the trumpet issue? And I will say, BM is correct regarding timing unless you just found out that SD needs a trumpet, which I am guessing is not the case. Our school notifies us about band requirements at the end of the prior year, but maybe its different where you live. In any event, more notice would have been nice if it was at all possible.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 5:35PM
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May I ask how the living cost are laid out in court orders for your SD? Example, BM is to pay $216 a month and skipped one month of this child support so far (August if she last paid in July), but what is the legal agreement on other basic cost and elective cost?

One other thing I'm not sure of from your post: you write about using your money to cover dance, swim, ect. and go on to say DH is broke, he paid bus fee. Does DH and you split all household cost (food, mortage, utilities, that type of thing) evenly down the middle and then each keep a chunk of whatever is left out of the 2 paychecks seperately for your own useage? Meaning DH has now paid his half of household and then his chunk of leftover from his wages on bus fees (? and school registration, clothes, supplies??)and you paid your half of household and are now spending your leftover chunk of wages on SD? I don't get this my money/his money, not that it's any of my business just curious as to your wording on 'your money' and 'DH broke'.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 6:37PM
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Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed...

Do not count on that woman for anything .... and if it were me when SD is singing mom's praises I would also set her straight too... but thats me ... :)

Sidenote: when is GW going to put an ignore feature???

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 7:37PM
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The purpose of my post is stated... as an attorney, you should be able to decipher it and now draw assumptions based on your opinion. I never said I was a great SM nor did I ever say all BM's that are not SM's can do no wrong. We all make mistakes, that's if we are honest humans. If you even read the post, I mentioned a clarinet, not a trumpet. No, we didn't get much notice... we learned on back to school night last week. We were waiting to see if BM was going to either pay some of her support or help with the bus fee. I guess I'm a little frustrated working 14 hours a day in two jobs to pay for the things BM should at least help out with... it is her daughter, not mine. She so often likes to remind me of that.

As for child support, she is currently in arrears for $3,900.00 and her monthly amount is $216. I guess if you want to do the math, you can see that she is well over a year in arrears. She filed for custody when child support served her with papers on the arrears. She paid for a few months until she realized she won't get custody, then she stopped. She does not want to support her child.. not financially, nor emotionally. It's all very sad.

As for our financial arrangement, DH came into the marriage in heavy debt. His paychecks mostly go to pay off HIS debt and he contributes the rest to the joint debt. I own two businesses that are finally doing better and I pay the rest of the joint debts, including the cost of living. Extra's like dance, baseball & swim come from my separate bank account. We both have a separate bank account and one joint account for paying bills.

LOL, it's funny though... SD isn't singing mom's praises this year. Mom lied to her all summer about moving over there and at the end of summer, told her she's having BF's baby and sent her back to live here. That's a whole other issue... since BM also told her three times she's gonna marry BF but she's STILL married to kid #1's father.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 9:27PM
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Thanks for explaining that, as stated it is none of my business, but it does clarify you're not somebody who resents spending money on the 'entire family unit' just cause part of the unit is not your bio-child--I have known a few people like that (did not want to share with SKids) over the years and I just never understood it. Being new around this board, I've not been able to read and learn on everybody and their situations.

Debt sucks. My husband came into our marriage (30 years ago) with a chunk of outstanding debt and it took a few years to get it paid off. My oldest son and I came as a package deal and my husband has always worked real hard to provide for us. There was never a BD in the picture to have to share with or to get any support from so it's always just been my husband and I supporting the children and my oldest son has always thought of my husband as his father. After so many years I forget my family really did start out as a step family.

My daughter gave up her first born child to my husband and I at birth, so we are raising our granddaughter as our own daughter. So basically I have kids from 32 down to 9. My 9 year old has been a true blessing and the most precious gift anyone could have ever given me.

There are a few times now and then that my 9 year old tells me I am the 'meanest mommy" in the world. I'm sure it'd burst her little bubble if she knew that I actually take that as a somewhat compliment, as I know then that I must be doing my job. Yep, I am 'mean' cause I say no now and then or I expect her to follow rules. How dare I?

I think it's great that you care enough about SD and her wellbeing and adjustments in her life to take from your personal account to be sure she gets to be part of and do the things she likely would not be able to do based on her dad's income/debt situation. It can't be easy working two jobs and struggling to make ends meet and still find the time and engery to do all you do for her--whether she was your SD or bio child, it sounds like she's got somebody with a big heart in her corner even if she does not appreciate it just yet. I think as she ages she will come to realize how special you really are and have been in her life.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 11:20PM
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I understand the point of your post. To vent!! And you have quite a few great reasons to do so!!

While we are venting can I nominate my skids bm for Worst Mother of the Year!! Does not contacting your children in 7 months help get someone on the ballot?? How about not even calling on a holiday and a birtday?? Or moving out of state without so much as a good bye only a few months after you finally moved in state?

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 11:26PM
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Yet another stellar move by BM.
I'll be the second signature on the nomination form if you want ;)

(Although I can understand why she'd be shocked about needing it tomorrow... It is short notice, but her response is ridiculous)

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 12:49AM
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Well, I sent her a text this afternoon asking if she found one. She did not respond. Then DH called her from the store because I didn't want to buy it if she did get one.. yeah, I know but I wanted to make sure... so she says she couldn't find one. He asks if she is going to help pay for it and she says she can't because she bought her other DD a bus pass which she says she paid $300 for. (of course, according to her other daughter's school website, only students that live more than 2 miles from the school are eligible for bus and BM lives right by the school, so there you have it.. another lie)

mom2emall, your SK's BM deserves a nomination, that's for sure... but I give her kudo's for staying away if she can't do it. Either you're in or your out... that's better for kids than this "I'M THE MOM!!! But I don't wanna do anything... but don't forget to have my baby call me on my birthday to wish me a happy one.. even though I've totally screwed her last three birthday's up by being an ass!"

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 1:18AM
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Her lies make her feel better about being a scumbag....

"Yep, I am 'mean' cause I say no now and then or I expect her to follow rules. How dare I? " My hubby tells the kids .... if you hate me I must be doing my job as a parent (although he doesn't say no enough)

IMA ...I don't know how to put this without sounding like a B*^% ...but stop doing stuff for your SD excpecting her to like/love you or even appreciate it she is never going to change her mom is never going to change you cannot be super stepmom and keep saving the day if her parents cannot afford for her to do activities then she doesn't do them ... its the only thing that saved my sanity ...

Her mom knows you WILL do the extras she doesn't care if you do or not... BM will say I will help then when it comes times to help I know I don't have to because IMA will step up .... BM is using you and then she will turn around and knock you for the very things you are doing for her DD trying to take her place etc....

I stopped completely doing for my SC unless I wanted to ... my life got a whole lot simpler and less frustrating on my end.

Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed...

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 7:26AM
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SD is well aware that her mom does not care, even if she doesn't want to admit it. She excitedly told her mom she was going to try out for swim team and when she did not make the team, BM said "since SD didn't make the team, I expect that you won't sign her up for any activities on MY time" She was referring to swim practices that take place on Friday afternoon and we offered to let her make up the time on DH's if SD was allowed to go to practices... also pointed out that it would be a chance for BM to see her daughter practice, meet the coach, etc. She was not happy when we told her that I am taking her to private lessons to help her make the team. We decided that if she misses practice on Friday because BM won't let her go, not our problem. SD is seeing that it's her mom that doesn't want her to do anything. I am not expecting anything from SD at all. I am taking her to do these things because I want her to have an enjoyable childhood. BM is not turning around knocking me for it... she is knocking me already.

The issue with the clarinet is a little different because it's a required thing for school. DCSS told DH three weeks ago that they talked to BM and she told them she hadn't worked for a couple of weeks but she was back at work and was going to get paid the next day so they were going to garnish her check. They told DH that it takes about 7 business days for the employer to send in the payment and for them to process it and give him the money. When we went to back to school night, we started seeing that this is going to be an expensive year... the bus fee is $195, the music program (clarinet was $217 and I still need to get her the book & more reeds) and there is a trip to a science/conservation camp later this year that will cost several hundred dollars. DH was expecting the child support (about 60 bucks) and was going to use that toward the instrument. He hasn't actually paid the bus fee yet.. it's due next week too. If I want to get technical, he is getting paid and paying for it out of his check but that only means he won't have any money to contribute that week for household bills so that will fall to me.. so it's a technicality in saying HE is paying for it because WE are paying it... since I have to make up the shortfall. We have been dealing with this for two years so it's not a surprise or shock that she says no, I was just frustrated after the text exchange. I guess it might have been better if she had just ignored my text or responded with a flat out no, I have no money. But to say she will look for one when she says she has no money and then try to pull me into a conversation of where SD will be living in the future... that has nothing to do with her getting an instrument. It reminded me of my son's father that wouldn't buy a thing because it was going to be used at MY house... so maybe that was the nerve it touched.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 9:04AM
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"I am not expecting anything from SD at all. I am taking her to do these things because I want her to have an enjoyable childhood."

Ima, I hope that when SD grows up, she realizes that you were always there for her, and you two have a terrific relationship.
In the meantime, just keep trying to not let BM bring you down. Keep persevering!

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 9:52AM
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yeah she is bad, I also "like" her mom, infamous grandma. LOl On the other hand she didn't pass out drunk or got rowdy along with her BF at her daughter's wedding. haha So that's the plus. and at least SD plays clarinet, DD played cello. ha But yeah this woman sounds bizzare, she lies 24/7, amazing

frankly i paid for all the extras myself (like sports or music or school fees)and didn't think of asking X, and i didn't have a spouse to help with the bills and i also have significant debt (that obviously is partially due to my having no one to help with the bills). So i commend you and your DH on insisting she pays extras. Even if she doesn't pay at least you could say you asked. I have hard time asking, i find it easier to just deal wiht it, less frustrating.

Frankly as i see from this forum most NCPs do not pay anything beyond CS(not like it is a good thing). My X liked to send DD money directly that she would spend on stupidest stuff like CDs etc. In the meanwhile i paid for all the neccesary school related stuff out of my pocket.

most NCPs (wiht few exceptions) are NCPs for a reason. Custodial parents are custodial because they are better parents in most cases, or at least more reasonable.

i think every CP or very involved parent could provide similar list of grievances against NCP. They got it made, they do much less yet kids often choose them because they are Disney land parents, all fun. (not every NCP but many)

Oh well we get to see kids more. :)

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 12:00PM
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"Oh well we get to see kids more. :)"

SD is taking private swim lessons because she really wants to be on the team but she isn't so skilled/coordinated. If she learns the strokes, she can be on the team so I am having her go to lessons 2-3 times a week and she has improved SO much. As I was sitting there watching the other day, it just made me so sad to think her mom does not want her doing this. She was having fun and felt so good about her progress but her mom will talk it down like we are doing a bad thing. It would be nice if I could send her mom pictures or video of what SD is doing, without her getting angry. It would be wonderful if her mom would come watch for herself and cheer her daughter on. I felt so sad that BM is missing out on this... and sad things can't be different.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 1:36PM
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I dont know how you deal with bm or grandma!! They are crazy!!

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 2:50PM
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I have another nomination for Worst Mother...
My SK's mother gave birth to "her babies"(as she calls the 14 and 15 yr. olds) and that is where she ceased being a parent. DH, while still married to her, would come home after a double shift to find BM on the computer(she could not keep a job) and the kids hungry with diapers full. They divorced, got joint custody with stipulation that kids lived with DH and BM was to pay CS. B/C she could not keep a job and therefore could not pay CS, DH let her slide as long as she agreed to see the kids, but not interfere. Soon after, she moved 1000 miles away to be with her family. The kids were 3 and 4 years old. She left on SS's birthday, which bothers him to this day. Over the next 5 years, BM would call once or twice a year to talk to the kids. She never had consistent phone service (to this day). DH took the kids to see her when he was able to afford it when they were 6/7.

I came into their lives at 10/11 yrs. old. They had not seen their mother in 4 years, and only spoke to her once in a while. After 2 years, DH and I decided to marry. Suddenly, BM begins calling regularly, sending little trinkets and even BD and Xmas gifts (a first!). Just before the wedding, BM even traveled here for the first time to see her kids, and stirred up s**t with me at the same time. After the wedding, she decided she wanted to take the kids for a few weeks (another first!), but couldn't afford to get them. So DH paid for tickets with the agreement BM would pay it back, and that she would be sure the kids called while they were there. We spent half the time frantic b/c we could not contact them. When she finally did call, she started crap with me again. She told the kids they did not have to listen to me and that I was treating them badly and she would not put up with it. For 6 months the alienation of the kids from their "wicked SM" continued. She never did pay for the tickets. Then BM disappeared again.

It has been 5 months with no contact what-so-ever. SK's cannot contact her (phone disconnected again) or her family. She did her damage and left, again. But it is coming time for the SK's birthdays...wonder what that will bring. I feel awful for wanting her to just stay in whatever hole she's in and leave the kids and us alone. She plays such head games with the kids, telling them how much she loves them and how they are her babies, and promises them this and that, then drops out of site leaving them worried about her and wondering why mom doesn't call them.

Meanwhile, who is taking care of "her babies"? That's right...DH and the awful SM. Naturally, the SK's hang on every word BM tells them, including how awful I am. But they are getting older now, old enough to really see what is going on; old enough to question things, but still in denial, which has left them angry and bitter at us, at me.
So they are denied a relationship with the only mother available to them b/c BM has made them feel guilty about doing so.

So this is why I nominate her. Unfortunately, each one of us that are FT SM's know a BM that fits the description of worst. I am sure there are some BM out there who have made mistakes with their kids, and are really trying to make amends to those children. And I applaud them for trying to right the wrongs they have done. I could respect my SK's BM if she would only just step up to the plate and try for the sake of her kids.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2009 at 9:03PM
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Hah, I guess I have competition then. Last week DD was mad at me about something and told me I was the meanest mom in the world and I started laughing, so then she ran to her room and slammed the door. Came out a few minutes later and presented me with a piece of paper that said "Meanest Mother Ever" If that wasn't enough she had drawn a border of hearts all around it, just cracked me right up again.

    Bookmark   September 9, 2009 at 12:30PM
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