Not sure if DH thinks before he speaks

DFWmomSeptember 13, 2011

Maybe I'm over reacting...not sure. I was getting ready to go to the grocery store and DD15 asks if stepdad is going with me. Instead of letting me answer, DH answers for me (he does this often with gets under my skin). He says - YES I'M GOING. IS THAT OK? DO YOU NOT WANT TO GO WITH YOUR MOM NOW? THAT'S OK. I'LL STAY HERE THEN .

DH wasn't even in the same room as us, he just overheard. I just don't understand why he's hateful like this. When we were alone I asked him why he said that and of course he couldn't answer me.

Also bio dad was supposed to get the kids this weekend and he canceled by sending me a text at 5:45 in the afternoon...15 mins before he was to pick them up. DH sees the kid free weekend as a chance for us to have alone time which I totally understand. The problem is that he gets so upset about it and the kids see it. I don't want the kids to ever feel like they are not wanted but you can just tell that they get upset because he's going on and on about how we were supposed to be alone. About their dad canceling on them....they said that they don't even want to go over there anymore. They would rather be home with me even if we were to sit in the house all weekend doing nothing, they say it's better than going to dads house.

Thanks for letting me vent = (

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I feel your frustration...

One small suggestion -- Instead of asking Hubby why he said what he did (you know why - he knows why - no one wants to admit it...) simply state that his remark was unnecessary and hurtful to DD and you, and that it made him look as immature as he is accusing SD to be.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2011 at 7:41PM
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Sweeby's suggestion was pretty good.

And even if the kids don't go to their father's, you can still have alone time with your husband. Your oldest is 15 years old, plenty old enough to watch the younger two while you and your husband go out for the evening.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2011 at 7:51PM
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Wow, just wow. I'm really feeling for this daughter of yours right now. SF could find nothing, not a thing, nice to say about DD in session. DH makes a horse's behind out of himself when he can't have a weekend 'kid' free. To top it off soon-to-be SM shoves paystubs in he DD's face and announces Dad and heer would have 'this amount of money' except for the kids getting it.

Except for you, does anyone want these kids around? They appear to be nothing but a drag to the one guy and a financial 'burden' to the other guy. Both of these guys need a major reality check 1) when one has children one is expected to support them even if one runs out the door and partners up again 2) one who marries a man/woman with children can pretty much figure the children will be a part of the man/woman's life for at least 18 yrs, day in and day off.

If your Dh thinks he needs a 'break' from his stepchildren he needs to figure out how to invest in creative ways other than hissy fits and hurt feelings. These kids are 15, 14 and 10. Not exactly babies. I'msure if he'd like a 'break' wiht a evening and/or day alone with his wife he can figure out how to accomplish this without making them feel unwanted and a bother in their own home.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your Dh is a jerk. Extremely childish, self centered and a temper tossing #ss. Sorry, but it's based totally on what you have told us about him. So how is he doing with the counseling?

    Bookmark   September 13, 2011 at 8:26PM
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Thanks everyone. Don't worry about being blunt. I need to hear it sometimes and trust me, you are not the only one who has said this. The kids are old enough to stay home by themselves but usually when the kids are home we don't really 'go out'. He sees the weekends when they are gone as our time to go out with friends, to the movies, dinner, etc. I've already told him that we can't live by ex's schedule. We can have date nights every week even if the kids are home.

Like I've said previously, it hasn't always been this way. I'm hopeful that counseling will eventually get to root of this problem. We are not there yet but maybe soon. I know he loves us and he doesn't have any children of his own. He may never have bio children as I have said to him that if we can't get this monster under control, I will not have a child with him.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 9:53AM
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"He sees the weekends when they are gone as our time to go out with friends, to the movies, dinner, etc. I've already told him that we can't live by ex's schedule. We can have date nights every week even if the kids are home."

So what's stopping you from going out even if the kids are home?

I noticed in your previous post you said:
"One time we were out somewhere and I was going to the restroom so DD15 asks me 'do you want me to come with you mom' DH says 'why, are you going to wipe her ___ for her. she doesn't need your help' "

Maybe DH doesn't like how close you and your daughter are and doesn't feel that you and him are as close, or maybe he feels you baby her.

Your husband does sound immature, but maybe he wouldn't be so resentful of the kids if ya'll did go out and have some time together alone. I'm not excusing his behavior, but you're married to this man and I'm just throwing some things out there for you to think about.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 12:29PM
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Amber - I think you may be right. I think he sees my closeness with the kids as me treating them like babies. I've joked with him before that maybe his mother didn't give him enough hugs and kisses as a child. Often if he's in a bad mood I'll say to him - Do you need a hug, because it sure sounds like you could use one! - He will laugh about it and it eases the tension a bit.

BTW he pretty much has no relationship with his mother or sister & his dad whom he was very close with passed away while DH was in his teens. I think that maybe for him it is hurtful in some way to be reminded that he has never had a mother who showed him love, affection or any concern for that matter. I am very close with my kids and maybe in some small way he doesn't feel that closeness with me.

As far as going on dates while the kids are home...I tell DH that we can go out but he is the one who refuses. It's almost like we are only allowed to act like a couple when the kids are gone. GEESH!

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 5:51PM
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So instead of coming out and saying how he feels, your husband chooses to make snide remarks about how close you and your daughter are. This is something that should be brought up in your counseling sessions, because this is not something that can be worked out over night if he is feeling resentment towards the closeness you have with your children.

"I tell DH that we can go out but he is the one who refuses." I don't get it, ya'll CAN go out, but he refuses to go out unless the kids aren't there? He wants time alone with you, but only if the kids go to their father's? What does he want?

I suppose you could just tell him, look, we're going out tonight, end of discussion, but it seems husband is more interested in pouting than actually finding solutions. Hopefully ya'll can get this straigtened out in counseling.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 9:40PM
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I find that most husbands are more interested in pouting then solutions. Just my two cents.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 10:02PM
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Momof3 lol that is your shortest post EVER!!


My husband had some jealousy issues in the beginning and it wasn't until he was a father that his relationship with my daughter grew. He learned how to be a DAD. I'm not suggesting go have a baby lol
His jealous stemmed from something else though. Only child syndrome.

He has never had to share the woman in his life (meaning his mom). And she is a great mom! Best in law I could have ever asked for. She raised a very compassionate, caring, considerate, generous man. But sometimes he would show jealousy and it would just terrify me that we weren't going to work out. He would not share anything. Food, candy, soda/drinks, especially pop corn!! Omg! Lol to this day he doesn't share pop corn.
When his mom would send my daughter a package I could see a bit of 'what? My MOM sent HER something and there is nothing for ME?'
Now it's a bit of a joke but seriously. He did not learn to share his main woman and he had a hard time sharing her with my daughter. Then I noticed he would get 'annoyed' if we were spending time on the couch or whatever and Dd would crawl up in between us. She was only 5:6. She would snuggle with him too but he would say things like 'it never fails as soon as we get some quiet time, here she comes'. I would get so pissed. Now I am the one saying it lol not really just kidding but it just took Jim some time and what helped is havin a child of his own and that selfishness kind of went away. Also, when he sees how hurt my Dd gets over her dad, it just starting breaking his heart. He has even cried for her before. He just can't understand it. His parents are still married. And he has always had them both.

I'm thinking that your husband will greatly benefit from the counseling. My stepdad was a bit like this when we were younger and he went to therapy when I was a teen. It changed him so much and now we are very very close. Closer than I am to my mom at times. I talk to my stepdad pretty much daily but I remember when I was a teen, no way would I even sit with him -- couldn't pay me, he was a jerk!

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 11:27PM
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LOL myfampg.... I'm in a mood. Obviously.

My dh refuses to go out to eat anymore if ds16 is home. He doesn't want to pay for the extra adult meal anymore. Ds16 hears him say this too.... makes me feel bad for him.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2011 at 11:39PM
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