a mutual disrespect
I am new here and to be honesst I am so glad I found this forum. I have been going insane with my thoughts and feelings about my SD for a long time. My story is a long one so I hope you can hold on for the details.
My husband and I have a pretty great relationship. We get along well and have a lot of the same interests. The problem lies with his daugher. I have a daughter who is 4 and lives with us full time. He has a daughter who is 10 and comes to our house every other weekend.
I have known my stepdaughter for about 2 years now. When I first met her I just thought she was shy and needed time to get to know me, now I know I was wrong. She ignores me. Completely ignores me unless she has to communicate with me or she wants something. She has no regard for respect in our house and does what ever she pleases. Every time a question is asked of her she just shrugs her shoulders and goes on her merry little way. She is spoiled, selfish, uncaring and an unlovable child.
I know that the last statement I made is harsh "unlovable child" but I am not the only one to say that. She has been around my friends and family and they have all commented to me (without my prompting) that she is a child who is not likeable, who thinks the world owes her everything and she will get it no matter the cost. Arrogant would be a good word.
She is 10 years old and cannot pick up after herself. She will make excuse after excuse to get out of any type of chore until she has to go home, then it's "oh, I have to leave to be back at my mom's house". So I have decided to not clean up after her. I will no longer pick up her room, I shut the door. I do not clean up her dishes off the table, her dad has to. She doesn't flush the toilet, turn off lights, or even use soap in the shower. We have gotten after her a few times about not using soap. We have tried to explain to her that it's important to use soap because she needs to get clean but she just doesn't care. She purposely finds ways around rules her dad had laid out so she can do what she wants. The thing that bugs me the most is that he doesn't see it!! He just lets her get away with it!
It doesn't help that her BM is a total B!tc#. I call her the welfare baby making factory. Her and her new husband can't afford what they currently have and they keep having babies. BM's mother pays for everything. And when I say everything I mean everything. SD just came to our house with an IPhone. A $400 IPhone. She wears designer clothers, goes on lots of lavish vacations and lives the life of a celebrity child. I guess I don't have a problem with what she has, what I have a problem with is the fact that her mother can't get her to school or get her homework done and she is rewarded for it. 1st Grade - Missed 34 days of school. 2nd Grade - Missed 42 days of school. I got involved when she was in 3rd grade last year and she only missed 14 days of school but now this year she has already missed 3. She says she has a headache and mom lets her stay home. Mom doesn't have enough room in the car to drive her to school so if she fakes being sick, she gets to stay home all day long. We have talked to lawyers, school counslers, social workers but they all tell us there is nothing we can do. As long as she is getting food, shelter and clothing she is being supported. Mom lets her stay up until 10 or 11 on school nights and they go on shopping trips at 9pm to walmart. Does this woman not know that she is hurting her child and other children. Ugh... I am so disgusted and get madder and madder as I type this! I just want to shake her and say, "what type of mother, no human being doesn't know how to get their child to school!" She is teaching her child that it is ok to skip out on responsibility when she doesn't feel like being responsible! What kind of job is she going to have if she calls into work 42 days a year because she doesn't feel like going to work...
So SD comes to our house with our 9pm bedtime and you eat what I made for dinner or you don't eat at all rules and she throws tantrums. Screaming, Kicking, Hitting, Crying you name it, she does it. She has made her father cry by telling him that she hates him and hates her life. What child says they hate their life?
We were trying to get her into a counsler but her mother refuses to let us use her medical insurance. Fine. We said we would pay for it ourselves, but the counsler said that without the mothers support there really wouldn't be anything she can do. Her mother thinks her child is perfect with no problems. Oh and no discipline.
Just to throw something else out there I have tried to spend time with just her and I. I took her to a Taylor Swift concert (she sat there the entire time in her chair sulking. She loves Taylor Swift, I think the problem was she went with me (14th row too)), I have brought her Shoping with me, we have gone swimming, out to movies (twilight 1 & 2), I went to Walmart at midnight to get her the copy of Twilight 2 and she didn't even say thank you!
I guess I am just at the end of my rope here. I think I do love this child. I have tried to move heaven and earth to do the things that would benefit her in the long term but at the end of the day I am just her "step-mother". I have no legal rights to her.
The stress is killing me. A huge part of me wants to just step away and say, "not my child, not my problem". But when I married her father I took that silent vow that said for better or worse. Meaning, him and his child. So what do I do?
Sorry for the spelling errors, and gramatical errors and jumping all over the place. I just needed to throw it all out there in what ever order it came in.