exwife would rather kids suffer...

nottynurseSeptember 8, 2010

My bf was married for 19yrs. He and his ex have 2 kids. Ages 10 and 11yrs. Hes in the process of divorcing her. He left her 2 months prior to meeting me. From the first week we dated she has harrassed me to no end. She calls my phone to cuss me out, she shows up at my house out of the blue yelling for him, she parks down the street and spies on me, once while sitting in his car in my driveway, she suddenly appeared out of nowhere in her car and rammed into the rear of my bf's car causing us to fly forward. When he saw it was her, he got off the car and when he did, she ran around to my side of his car and tried yanking me out by my hair. Shes vandalized his house, his car and stalked me. Ive made police reports but she continues to behave this way. She calls him crying they have no food but refuses to accept groceries when he delivers them. Same thing with school clothes. I want to be with him but also want to leave him at the same time. Whast would you do???

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What would *I* do? I'd get out of that mess. Even though you met him after he'd already left her, two months is such a short time period that she's never going to believe that you were not the reason for their marriage of almost two decades ending. And also, to be honest, I'd be a bit concerned about BF's motivation in entering into another relationship so quickly after leaving his wife, rather than taking a bit of time to regroup/recover/reflect on what he could have done differently.

It's a really iffy prospect dating someone that close to a separation, even without kids, and without a crazy stalker ex. I would toss him back in.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2010 at 2:02PM
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What Mattie said.

These things never get better;
they get worse.

Read some of lovehadley's threads;

her guy's ex assaulted her,
love got a restraining order,
ex found ways around it,
her dh is enabling his ex,
restraining order has expired,
ex got love's phone # & has left bizarre hostile messages...

Leave this nightmare in your past.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2010 at 3:05PM
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Ditto Mattie and Sylvia.

I'm sure he's a great guy and all, but my honest opinion--he has NO business starting a relationship not two months after leaving his WIFE of NINETEEN YEARS. That's a long time.

At the very least, he should be respectful to her, and to his CHILDREN; he should be cognizant of the emotional turmoil they're experiencing. It's great that HE is ready to move on, but I think it's a slap in the face to jump into something else so quickly.

I'm not saying his wife---and she is still his WIFE, they are not yet divorced--is justified in treating you this way. But she is justified in being angry at her husband, and you're gonna bear the brunt of that.

Don't. Get out.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2010 at 3:24PM
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In my mind I know the best thing is what you all have said in regards to this problem. Its my heart that has me still tolerating all the abuse from the ex. Everytime we have little intimate talks, he tells me his marriage was over years ago but he stayed for the kids. He says she knew it was coming(divorce) and still did nothing to prevent it from happening. Now that I think about all this, I wonder why hes got all the papers done and just needs to file them yet he hasnt taken one step in that direction. Maybe Im just being used???

    Bookmark   September 8, 2010 at 3:49PM
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All men say that.....the marriage was over a long time ago. etc.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2010 at 7:26PM
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Ditto what everyone has told you. And yes, Gawd those are such classic lines he is feeding you.

Seriously, you sound like a caring person, don't get sucked into the madness. Run from him like a bad STD.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2010 at 10:11PM
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Run Notty. Run like the wind. Don't look back.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2010 at 10:56PM
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I want to thank you, everyone who commented. I needed confirmation on what I was feeling. I ended it last nite. I told him about the advice Id gotten from all of you and his response was, "Hell! what do they know?" Typical male response when it comes to Women caring about women. Im moving on. Late last nite a text message was sent to me by his exwife..."Did you know he has Hepatitis C?" Whether its true or not, Ive got a doctors appt at 3:00 today. Thank you.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2010 at 1:49PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this but think you made the right decision.

Yes that is a somewhat typical repsonse. Some men are threatened by women who band together and support each other.

Good you are being proactive about your concerns regarding the Hep C. would he consent to be tested also?

Either way if there was an exposure you can address now, early on. True or not better to get peace of mind and be checked. Make sure you go back in 6 mo and get a repeat too.

It's scary waiting for those results. I got a needle stick at work a few years back and I was very blessed that it was the 1 patient out of 18 I admitted that day that wasn't shooting up-and she consented to be tested as well. I was more concerned about Hep C also since she was a ETOH abuser. I'll never forget how scary that was.

Will be sending some good stay strong & healthy vibes your way.


    Bookmark   September 10, 2010 at 6:19PM
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I'm sorry not just Hep C, just Hep in general. Anyway, I hope your testing is negative and it probably will be..I'm only going to think positive about this..

Otherwise I wanted to ask, how are you feeling about his response and moving forward? I just hate to see anyone go through all the upset and chaos. It nearly destroyed me & when I see a train coming I have to say "Look out!".

One thing I wish is that I had enough smarts at the beginning to know I didn't have to accept what was for so long. yes, hindsight is 20/20, but still. Good on you-you're strong.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2010 at 6:33PM
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Cat, you are just too sweet. :)

OP, I hope your test is negative. I'll keep you in my prayers.

And kudos to you for making a tough but good decision. I know you won't regret it. Stay strong!

    Bookmark   September 10, 2010 at 7:10PM
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If I were you I would RUN from this relationship. 2 months out of a 19 year marriage nobody is ready to be in another serious relationship. This man needs time to heal and it is obvious his ex does as well. The way she is acting is crazy and even if it gets better over time it is still way more than anyone should have to deal with.

I also wonder how she got your cell number and address? Is it possible this guy is trying to make his ex jealous and waving you in her face?

I once dated a guy who was newly seperated from his wife, though at the time I did not realize how newly seperated because he told me he was in the process of divorce which ended up being untrue. He brought me to his moms house and "forgot" to mention his ex and kids lived in the house across the street. His ex saw me, which I have a feeling he wanted her to, and all heck broke loose! This woman came out of nowhere and had a golf club in her hands. Next thing I knew glass was shattering and I was running and cops were showing up and we all had to give statements.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2010 at 12:17AM
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lol, my exBF also told me he was divorced. His wife had left him WAY before he met me and wasn't coming back... she didn't care when he met me, so thankfully there was no drama there. But, after he moved me in... I found out he wasn't 'actually' divorced. He did the papers & filed them when I told him I wasn't going to live with a married man. (Okay, actually he got me to do his paperwork) but then he did nothing to finalize it.... until we went to buy a house & he was told he had to have her sign off on it or finalize the divorce. I had to track her down (she left him to join the carnival/fair circuit) to get her to sign the MSA... she told me she thought they were divorced. My point is that he would only say/do just enough to placate me... he strung me along buying me a ring but no proposal. Called me his 'fiance' but never set a date (and yeah, no proposal). Finally, when I pushed it he told me things are fine the way they are.. why ruin it with marriage? (said his marriage was so bad, he preferred things the way they were...) I was raising his 3 kids & had NO legal standing. I finally left him after 7 years, when I was 29 and knew it was never going to end in marriage & I wanted a commitment. (I had also had a tubal pregnancy & he made me drive myself to the hospital... and later told me it was for the best since he didn't want more kids.) For a year he tried to get me to come back but then he met someone else & married her within a year. She had had her tubes tied but they had it reversed and conceived twins about a year later. Actions speak louder than words... but sometimes we only hear what we want & hope the action comes later.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2010 at 8:43AM
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"He did the papers & filed them when I told him I wasn't going to live with a married man. (Okay, actually he got me to do his paperwork)"


Oh the things we'll do for "love"!!

    Bookmark   September 11, 2010 at 11:57AM
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You have entered into the middle of a marriage that hasn't technically ended....at least yet! Legally ended, or emotionally ended (at least for the wife).

Get out, and stay away until the boyfriend has finished his unfinished business with his wife!

Your presence only causes more problems (although unintentionally) then good - at this time in the process of their dissolving their marriage.

If you don't wish to get caught in the middle of a war, get out now!

    Bookmark   September 13, 2010 at 1:09PM
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