Not Moving in Together
Well, last time I was on this forum I said I was going to continue my relationship with my BF.
We had plans that when my lease was up at the end of October that me and my girls would move in with him. But I�ve changed my mind.
So what has changed? BF now has his son full time. The BM is going to school for a year and has agreed to let the son stay with his father for the school year. Before I was ready to move in with him, because he only had his son every Wednesday and EOW weekend, so I thought I could deal with it the few days he�s with us.
We still get into arguments over the kids. The most recent argument was he told me that his ex yelled at his son on the phone and made his son cry for 10-15 minutes. I got mad about this. I told him he always gets on me for letting my daughter cry but it�s okay for his son to cry? He said this was an isolated incident and it was because his mom was yelling at him. I said So what I yell at my kids. I said it�s like he has a double standard, it�s ok for his son to cry but not my kid? Then he changed his story and said he doesn�t say my daughter needs to stop crying, she needs to stop pouting. I said, every time you�ve said something to me about her you�ve said she needs to stop CRYING. You did not say she needs to stop POUTING. So he apologized about that and claimed that he meant pouting and stomping her feet. But it�s obvious we still have some things to work on regarding the kids.
And now the situation has changed because BF has his son full time. I told BF that he and his son need time to adjust to each other and set up a routine before me and my girls move in and complicate matters.
Plus, I want him to see what it's really like being a full time parent. BF is always criticizing his son�s mom parenting because she yells at their son. He says there is never a reason to yell at your kids and that you should never lose your temper. I told him it�s real easy to be patient with a kid when you only have to deal with them for two hours every Wednesday and every other weekend. I bet after a few months having his son all the time he's going to change his tune about that. Not that I'm trying to prove him wrong or anything, but I think BF has unrealistic expectations of how a parent should be and he shouldn't judge someone for something he's never done himself.
I think if I move in at the end of October, it's going to be too soon after him getting his son full time. I will point things out about the son and it's going to seem as if I'm picking on him. Either I'll have to bite my tongue and let it eat me up inside or I'll say have to something to BF about it. He'll get defensive and it will cause tension and problems in our relationship. When I told him this, BF said I thought we agreed you'd handle disciplining my son yourself and if after he doesn't listen to you then you come to me and say something? I said no, when we had that conversation I told him the same way he wants me to step up and discipline my girls, he needs to step up and discipline his son. I said there are going to be times that his son does not listen to me and I need to feel comfortable that I can come to you and say something about it. BF backs me up when I correct his son, but I don�t feel that I should do all the heavy lifting. This is his son. He needs to be his parent, not me. I said it's like you can't be bothered with parenting your own son.
BF said I need to accept people the way they are and not want them to change. He said he accepts my kids unconditionally. I said you may accept my kids, but you still want them to change. I said remember last year when you told me my daughter was talking disrespectfully to me? You wanted her to change. You want me to change and not yell at my kids so much, and I have changed that. Change can be a good thing if it means you become a better person.
He said even though he wants me and my girls to change, he is still ready to move in with us, even if we never change. He said the problem is that am not accepting him for the way he is right now, that I am going to wait and see if he changes to how I feel he should be before I move in and that is a red flag to him.
I told him so you want me to hope and pray that you'll change, and when you don't and the issues we didn't work out before hand cause us to break up, I have to uproot me and my girls and move out?
I�m not going through that again. I already had to move my girls when me and their father got divorced, I�m not putting them through that again unless it�s circumstances beyond my control.
I told him the problem isn�t his son, it�s the way he handles issues with his son. And the more I think about it, the more I�m wondering if I want to move in together at all. I like my apartment. I like having my things the way I want them. I have my routine set up with my girls. BF has a lot of clutter in his house and I can�t stand clutter. Everything at his house is his, his furniture, the pictures on the walls, his dishes, etc. BF�s house will never be my house, it will always be his and his son�s house. I�m thinking maybe when the kids are older and almost out the house it might work, but not now. It causes so much arguing between us.
However, BF has made it clear that he is not happy with just dating. He wants to move in together. He says if I never want to move in with him, then he is going to have to reevaluate. This concerns me. It�s like I�m getting an ultimatum. I may never want to move in, and he needs to be okay with that. I�m wondering if maybe I need to say something now before we go any further in this relationship.
I know some of you are going to say "yeah dump the weed smoking loser" but there are a few reasons I�m not ready to. My girls have grown attached to him. I waited a whole year before introducing my girls to him, but maybe it was still too soon and I don�t want my home to be a revolving door of boyfriends. BF still has his good points and I still want to be with him. I just don�t want to live with him. Is that so wrong?