Excuses drive me nuts!!

mom2emallSeptember 15, 2009

So bm has not called in 8 months now. She moved out of state at some point during that, we only knew this because her family told us. Anyways bm's mom sent me an e-mail the other day saying that the reason her dd has not called the children lately is because bm asked her for our # and she forgot to get back to her with it!?! (one of their relatives calls frequently and I mentioned to her how long it had been since bm called-they called grandparents to see what the heck was going on with bm)

So since the grandma e-mailed my personal e-mail I responded. I told her that the apology was not necessary from her. I told her I thought her dd should apologize to the children because she had all our #'s at one point and our home # is listed. So a quick internet search would have given her that info. I also pointed out that it has been 8months and there is really no excuse in my mind for that much time to go by before trying to get phone #'s.

Then I let emotion get the best of me and began listing all the holidays and sport/school events bm did not partake in with the kids while living here. I also told her that I felt very wierd being in the position to say all this, but that the only time her dd had been consistant in the children's lives since I have been in the picture is while she had to move in with her own parents. I told her that I thought her and her hubby and other relatives were wonderful to the children. And I told her that her dd has really always been kind to me, but that I dislike what she has been doing to the children.

Now I am kind of feeling like maybe I should not have responded to the e-mail. I feel like what will happen is bm will call once or twice so she can tell her parents she did it. Then she will go right back into not calling. OR maybe she will be consistant in contacting the kids for a few months. But either way I feel that it will be short lived and really do more harm than good. Ugghhh....

And on a side note I am wondering what the state is doing about the welfare fraud since we gave them a copy of the custody order.....A few people have told me that the state may not do anything!

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Sounds to me like Grandma is embarassed and ashamed -- understandably so.

And tha maybe what she needs to hear is that you are grateful that she (Grandma) has remained involved, and that you know that she (Grandma) is not responsible for her daughter's lack of contact.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2009 at 1:07PM
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I agree -- I dont think you're telling GM anything she doesnt know and not only is she alreayd embarrassed and ashamed, she must feel awful for grandkids. Please do what Sweeby said, and let her know -- I know you must be frustated, but if GM is a positive force, these kids need her.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2009 at 5:50PM
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I do feel sympathy for grandma, as it must be terribly shaming and embarrassing to admit that your daughter is a sh*tty mother. I understand WHY she makes excuses for her.

I think you were within your rights to respond to the email, though, and kind of "call" grandma out on making excuses/enabling her daughter. I would just reiterate at some point in the future that you know SHE is not responsible for her daughter's actions (or lack thereof) and that you appreciate that SHE is in her grandkids' lives.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 10:52AM
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I did tell grandma that her and her hubbys involvement means the world to the kids and that we are so happy that they are so involved. I told her what wonderful grandparents we think they are and how much we appreciate all they do for the kids.

Grandma told me that she is just ashamed and in disbelief of how her dd turned out. She says her heart aches for the kids and she keeps telling her dd that once the kids are grown you can never get back the chance to make those childhood memories. She says her dd shuts down and refuses to admit fault. Its always someone elses fault or someone is lying, etc. (Just like when she claimed to bring the kids to the waterpark and had not even seen them in months!)

The real heart warming part was when grandma said that she is greatful that the children have such a loving and caring person as me in their lives. It made me feel good to hear that, especially coming from someone on the "opposite side" if you will. That had to be hard for her to say so it meant a lot. One of bm's other relatives is still close to dh and I have become close to the relatives wife. She kinda knows all that is going on and she told me the other day that she considers me the only mom the kids have and said they are so much better off with us then they would be with their bm!

    Bookmark   September 17, 2009 at 12:43PM
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