Biological father issues??

charrisSeptember 5, 2009

I just recently got married, and the woman I married has a daughter who is 22 months. When I first meet her she was just 6 months, so I have been in her life for a wile, an have seen all her first of everything, and I love her as if she was my blood. But I've been having problems with her biological father. He has never wanted much from her, since she has been born he has seen her 4 mabey 5 times, so he really isn't around, he works for a contract company who goes over seas alot so he's never around anyways, well the other day he called my wife to check on hadlee an she didn't recgonize the number an didn't answer, so he left a real rude message, cussing her out saying she better answer the phone when he calls ect... Of course it really pissed me off, but I'm trying not to blow up over it, but I told her I did not want her to answer if he ever calls again, he has no right to talk to my wife like that! But I just don't know what to do about it all, I wish everyday we could take his rights away an I could adopt her, to me that makes since, because she has know idea who he is, she is already calling me daddy, but I just don't know. I'm afraid it will cause problems in our marrige, because she really can't just ignore him forever, cause no matter what he is her bilogical father an still has rights. Any advise would help alot, thanks

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Your wife needs to decide how to handle this, it really isn't your place. The biological father has rights and he needs to exercise his rights and that includes going to court to secure an order to see his child. IF he isn't doing that and you want to adopt, then it's something you might discuss with your wife because it would be her decision to try to terminate the biological father's rights. If she decides to go that route (along with your decision to take on the rights and responsibility for this child), then she would file and it would be the father's responsibility to challenge it. If he isn't putting out the effort to see this child, he is not likely to put out the effort of fighting an adoption... is he paying support? If he isn't paying support, that should be pursued because the rights go hand in hand with the responsibility to see the child and support the child. If you decide to adopt, you have to be willing to accept that responsibility as well, regardless of what happens in the future.. (ie. in the event of death or divorce). It's a big decision but if you really lover her as if she were your blood, you can legally establish your relationship with her. Her bio father may put up a fight if he wants to retain his 'rights' but he needs to be reminded that those rights come with responsibility and not seeing a child but 5 times in two years or not supporting the child, in my opinion, is not living up to his responsibility. Parents that work a lot need to find the time to bond or have contact with the child. Also, he has no right to call up demanding anything. If he needs a set time to call, he can arrange it in a reasonable manner or go to court to get it set up. He may not want that since a support order would usually accompany a custody/visitation order. Irregardless, being nasty is no way to get what you want.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2009 at 12:23PM
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First off you can not tell your wife not to talk to her ex. I understand that the way he talked to her is unacceptable and she needs to be the one to tell him that. As for the adoption that is something you and her need to discuss. And you need to think about how adoption her will affect you. If you and your wife ever split you will have to pay child support, etc.

Also you may need to look into your state laws on stepparent adoption. It sounds like the guy may call just often enough to keep from getting his rights taken away. Is he paying child support?

    Bookmark   September 5, 2009 at 3:08PM
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Yes I know the responcibily with adoption an having a kid, like I said I've been in her life for the majority of her life now, so yes I know what I would be gettin into an want that, an yeh I know I just can't tell her no she's not aloud to talk to him, but I don't know what else to do, cause he'll keep behaving this way. And yes he does pay child support.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2009 at 4:37PM
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If I were your wife, I'd have you answer the phone next time he calls so that you can calmly tell him what happened. Coming from you, he will behave himself but coming from her, he'll keep on doing it, like you said. But it's up to her, not you. I sure do hope you guys didn't erase the recording.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2009 at 9:27PM
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Hmmmm, several things here. First, Charris, I'd keep that cursing rude voice message on file, never know when that might 'help' showing BD has temper issues. Many times I don't answer the cell if I don't know the incoming number.

Second, BD gets a bit of a break from me as he has not written his daughter off, he has kept contact, pays child support. With a job over seas a good share of the time, things like time differences got to come into consideration. Really the little one is not old enough to chat on the phone and if BM works opposite of little ones sleep/awake USA time schedule, he might get somewhat of an excuse on that.

Sounds like you really don't want to share the SD but if BM is making an effort to stay connected and paying support, you likely don't get much choice in the matter. Yeah, I understand your personal feelings of the thought that she's 'yours', and being 'daddy' 24/7, but you knew when you went into this relationship with both your wife and her child, that there was a bio father in the picture. You just can't 'wish' him away.

Your wife needs to return his phone call, in my opinion, and politely explain to BD that she did not know the phone number coming in, had no idea it was BD checking in and let her take it from there. If he continues with rude/cursing mannerism she does not have to talk to him, all she has to do is hang up. That may not stop BD from continuing on with efforts to see his daughter, but he has no rights to call and harass your wife. Let their lawyers and the court work it out, I don't think he'll find a judge that rules BD (bio-dad)gets to call and be nasty to BM (birth mom) anytime he choses.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2009 at 11:59PM
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I'm guessing there's another side to the story.

If *I* were a father working out of the area where my child lived, & if I were interested enough that I paid child support & phoned periodically, & if my child's mother wouldn't answer my calls, I might blow up, too, especially if her new husband were acting territorial over my child as well as my child's mother, & especially if my child's mother had a history of dodging my calls (a possibility? are you sure she didn't recognize the number?) or if she wanted her new, overbearing husband to take possession of my child & get me out of the picture.

    Bookmark   September 6, 2009 at 8:13PM
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Umm no not at all, like I said in my post, the child is almost 2 an he has seen her 4 or 5 times but has only been out of the country for about 9 months out of her life, so that leaves like a year an half that he's been home an does not make an effort to see her. He also has another daughter by another woman who is 5 I think, and he is not with the mother of that daughter, but he sees her just about ever other day ( when he's home) an calls her alot. He made the remark to my wife when she first got pregnant that he already had one child an couldn't handle another, trust me he has plenty of chances to try an be a father to her even tho he works over seas every now an then, but he doesn't try, unless you count callin once a month or so. And that is no excuse to me, because I'm in the army, I'm gone all the time and I still put my family an now step daughter before anyone, so that is no excuse. And yeh everyone keeps sayin well if he keeps payin child support then it must mean he's trying, well the thing is he is a government contract so the government takes the child support for both kids out of his check before he even sees it, I personly think if it was up to him to actually pay it it'd be a different storie, but that's just my thought..

    Bookmark   September 6, 2009 at 9:32PM
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charris, you nor or new wife get to say daddy is a deadbeat just because his child support is auto right out of his paycheck. While I don't know how support works in your state, in mine that is usually how it is: employer to middle than middle to receiver of the support. It does not matter what you personally think about 'if' he would may anyway.

Bio dad can't be seeing his 5 year old 'everyday' much if he's been overseas for 9 months. And like it or not facts are still facts. If your SD was 6 months old when you entered the picture and bio dad left 9 months ago when she was 13 months old and bio dad called once a month and he saw her 4 or 5 times in the time frame prior, it does show some interest and contact.

He was calling once a month. I assume your wife and he were discussing the child, no?

Fine, if your wife wants to ask him to sign off his rights to the child, that is her decision to make, but if bio dad says 'no' you will just have to learn to deal with the fact that this man will or may come in and out of our lives.

Why would having bio dad call to discuss his daughter , and regularly send support checks, and a rare visit with his daughter cause problems in your marriage? It does not sound like bio dad intends at this point to see the child every other week, or even monthly and as his chosen career takes him out of country for months and months at a time, I can't see where his existance could cause that many issues between your wife and you. Unless there is more to the 'story'.

I watch these soliders coming home all the time and see so many who have missed the birth of their child and are seeing them for the very first time at a much later date: months and months. My neighbor is now back from his 3rd trip and has two little ones, he has missed so many things in their little lives, but he loves his children very much and being absent has not changed that nor the fact that he is their father.

You dont need 'our' permission to want to adopt your SD but it's not our permission that you will need. What does your wife think and feel? And how are you going to deal with it if bio dad says 'no'? How will your wife deal with it? How will you deal with it if bio dad now home decides to have regular court ordered visits? You nor the wife can deny the bio dad his rights as bio dad no matter how much you'd like to pretend he does not exist.

I wish you well, charris, but the next steps in this are up to your wife and the child's bio dad.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2009 at 8:43AM
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Justmeto..... Thanks for the advice, an I'm not trying to be rude but I don't think you see what I'm saying. I said wile he's "home" he sees his other daughter just about every other day, an yes I am sure of this, because his mom my SD bio gma, has even said to us she don't understand why he does that. It would be a totaly different storie if he was a soldier like myself, cause I know how it is, you may go days an days without contacting anyone back home, but he's a civilian contract, they get treated like royalty over there ( well compared to me) lol enough to call more than 1 a month (if that much!) I think the main thing is like everyone has been saying, there's nothin I can do, and that bothers me, an the fact that I was willing to change my life 100% an pretty much turn into a dad overnight and put my SD before anything and want to as much in her life as physicsly can, an he gets to send a few checks make a phone call or two and gets to be a dad! That's unfair. I think that's what bothers me the most, I don't have kids of my own (yet) but o will never consider my SD anything less, and to my view he is not showing to be a father to her, an she still has to bear his last name. But according to some of yall, yall se to think how he is, is ok to be as a father. An I don't know yalls defenetion of a father is, but just cause ur blood runs through them an u send a couple hundred dollars a month does not make you one in my defention. It takes lots an lots of comminment. You have to give up alot in ur life, because now you have a little one that looks up to you for help and love an much much more. You gotta be there everyday an show them them every hug an kiss just how much you love them. That to me is just part of the defention of being a dad!

    Bookmark   September 7, 2009 at 10:30AM
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Charris, you knew the situation and accepted it when you married the child's mother. You don't get to judge and criticize a situation that you accepted. It's not up to you to define what a father is. You are a wonderful stepdad to step (pun intended) into the role of fathering the child. And yes, you are right about her bio father, but you accepted this and have no control over anything or anyone but yourself. You're working up resentment that, if you're not careful, will easily become mislplaced and mis-directed toward that innocent little girl.

The best thing for you to do is focus. I thought you were upset over the BD's gall to leave such a haughty and demanding message. I thought everything else was background information for our sakes. I didn't read the responses you received, so I don't know what threw you off track or what blurred the lines that define the issue(s) and circumstances of your situation. But I think you need to determine them for yourself so you know what you can and cannot do. There is no point working yourself up over things you can do nothing about. Just make sure you never become anything like that which you abhor and continue being the wonderful stepfather that you are and wonderful father if you have bio children. Stand up, look straight down at your shoes, and realize those are the only steps that you order. Based on your last post, you have a long journey ahead of you and very high standards to live up to.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2009 at 11:47AM
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I understand your feelings likely better than you think I do. I get that bio father is not real involved nor really wants to be, court will though take what interest he has shown into consideration--there lies my devils advocate with the how bio father might think/do and/or how the courts might think/do.

Many years ago, my son and I became family with a wonderful guy. My son was going on 3 and bio father had not been in the picture since son was a few months old. I was pretty lucky in that bio father never wanted in part of us. I didn't have to share, no other guy was popping in now and then to claim "I'm daddy" and I got the life you now want for you , your wife and her little one. Bio father never paid any support which was fine with us, and we never asked for any nor chased any down through the courts. My husband and I went on to have additional children together and we pretty much had the happy perfect family. I never approached bio father about my husband adopting my son though, I don't know, basically because my son's paternal grandmother asked me not to. It was important to her family that their name carry on as bio father was the end of their line. She knew bio father was a jerk, but even though bio father was never in the picture, I always allowed my son to spend afternoons with bio father's mom and dad ( bio father had nothing to do with them either, he was a jerk to the bone)

I get what a 'daddy' is and this little girl is lucky she has found a guy who wants to be 'daddy'.

And no, you are not being rude here, and I am not trying to be, I just want you to be aware that this decision to adopt stepdaughter will depend on how your wife feels about it and then on how bio father takes to the idea.

My son carried his bio father's name (heck he looks the spitting image of bio father) but my husband has always and will always be 'daddy' to my now 32 year old son. My husband is grandpa to my son's child. My son has ran into his bio father a few times as an adult, but it's really never been more than by accident while out and than to say 'hi'. There is no bond nor ties there.

I'm just trying to tell you what you want and what you will have to actually have may not be the same things. That does not mean you can't still be a great daddy or that the little one will love you and depend on you anyless.

If you are truly there for this little girl her whole childhood and on, and love her with your whole heart, and cherish her as if she were indeed your own, you will have done more for her than just be allowed to give her your last name.

Give that little ones lots of hugs, I wish you all the best.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2009 at 12:04PM
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