BM & inappropriate behavior

lovehadleySeptember 16, 2009

Ok, SS is loving his new school and so far I think BM is really happy with it, too.

One issue I hadn't considered, though, is that given the fact thay his school is only .69 miles from our house, it means BM is in "our" territory on days she has SS.

That's fine, but you have to understand we live in a very small-town like suburb of a big city. For example, last weekend I took the kids to the park that is only 2 blocks from our home, a park we frequent often, and SS said "oh, my mom took me here last week." YUCK. I had not thought that she may do stuff like that. It bugs me, I will admit, because I take DD there when it's just her sometimes and the thought of running into BM makes my skin crawl.

BUT it is what it is. I don't blame her for doing things with her son when he's with her, that's fine.

NOW--what is inappropriate is the fact that she just "stopped by" our house this morning! GRRRRRRRR.

I took DD to school and got home around 8:15. We bought a new desk and I was helping DH unload it from the car, so we were out in the driveway. I happened to glance up and saw what looked like BM's car driving down the street towards our house. Sure enough, she pulled over and parked right in front of our house, not 5 ft from where DH and I were. She hopped on out and waved and called hello, like there was nothing abnormal about it. I just turned and immediately went inside.

Turns out, she had SS in the car. I guess tomorrow is bike day at his school,but BM had his helmet. Since SS will be with us again from now until Monday, she wanted to drop the helmet off at our house.

Um, ok, that's fine, I guess, but stopping by unannounced is NOT okay.

DH said she fell all over herself apologizing and kept saying "I should have called first." YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE.

Then I wonder to myself---what if DH and I hadn't been home? Would she have come up on our porch and dropped it off--like she is NOT ALLOWED to do?????

I swear---part of me thinks she was just driving by to see if we were home, and stopped BECAUSE she saw us out in the driveway. There really was no reason SS couldn't have kept the helmet in his backpack at school today!

Part of me thinks BM likes creating this uncomfortable situations.

I just think---if it were ME--if someone had a restraining order on ME, you could not PAY me enough to go near them!

I swear BM just gets some perverse satisfaction out of getting a rise out of me!

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Yuck! Believe me, I understand the 'Yuck Factor' (good description) of having such a person in 'your territory'... (My Ex moved 3 blocks from me so I had to drive past his house to get to mine - Yuck!) No magic remedies to get rid of that -- just breathe...

As to stopping by your house -- Did the restraining order expire? Because if not, you've got another clear violation and should report it. Not 'hysterically', but calmly log it with the police. Of course she had a 'reason' (excuse)! But as you say, she could have sent the helmet to school with DS, or dropped it by Dad's work instead.

Since she's going to be in your proximity more, a frank reminder from the police about how she needs to behave is warranted.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 11:01AM
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No, the restraining order is good for a full year. It will expire (unless I try to get it renewed) in April of 2010.

The problem is---in the court papers it says she has the right to pick up SS "curbside." Now, this only applies during the summer, and any days that SS might be off school. And obviously this morning she certainly wasn't picking up SS!

Of course, once again, my DH doesn't think it's a "big deal." i'm over-reacting again. I mentioned to him that it was a violation and he rolled his eyes.

I did have the police contact her a few months ago when she left me a card and then also dropped a present off for SS on our porch. The officer called her and reminded her that her order is still in effect. I suppose I could do that again.

I don't know. It just bugs the heck out of me! And it really frustrates me that DH acts like I am the one being all irrational. He and BM are getting along just fine, and I am the one "holding a grudge" so to speak. The problem is, I am really NOT holding a grudge. I'm not angry, but I just don't want anything to do with her. And I certainly want to be able to be in MY driveway or in my front yard or on my front porch without fear that BM will drop by for whatever "reason."

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 11:37AM
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I am more upset now.

I talked w/hubby about it a little bit ago and we ended up getting in an argument about it.

He is angry and part of his anger is directed at ME. Turns out SS WAS in the car. DH did not tell me this part! UGH. I guess BM swung by our house BEFORE taking SS to school. She told DH that, in addition to wanting to drop the helmet off, SS was complaining that his shoes hurt and he wanted to get another pair at our house.

BM claimed her reason for not calling was b/c she left her phone at home.

IMO, then she shouldn't have stopped by.

Anyway, after she left, she apparently called DH and said SS was crying and upset b/c he saw me go (run!) inside and was afraid his mom was going to be arrested.

So Dh is angry at ME. He claims he's not, but then he said to me "The whole situation is B.S. She doesn't drink anymore and you have no reason to be afraid. You don't have to talk to her, just wave and walk away."

I started explaining that I don't want to have to contstantly wonder is BM going to stop by today, etc. And THEN he got angry and yelled that this is SS's house, too, and he has the right to come by anytime HE wants, and BM is just his "driver."

I tried explaining to him that BECAUSE of SS, BM has the constant "excuse" to come by, and that is not okay.

But then he just got more angry and said the whole thing is ridiculous, why can't we all just get along, etc.

He is all friendly with BM again, though he would deny it. But he is. And he expects me to be fine.

Is this just what I need to get used to?

I'm just so sick to my stomach now.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 12:32PM
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Ok I hate to say it but I think DH is the problem here. Sorry to be so blunt. BM is doing what is expected, (and BM is getting mixed signals from DH if he is friendly again), and BM loves pushing the boundaries and creating problems between you and DH. Nothing new there.

I understand that DH wants to all 'get along' and how SS should be able to drop by the house unannounced (with BM as the driver) I get that. But, it's not because of you that this is not possible, yet he is implying that. It would make me very angry as well.

It's BM's behavior that has made it impossible, not your response to that.

And for DH to say that the drinking problem is over makes me think he's really in denial. Nobody's drinking problem just disappears like that, come on. It must feel for you like he blames you, you're the difficult one in all this. But this is not true Love, we all know better so don't you doubt yourself.

Is there any chance you guys can go and see somebody, just the two of you? I think your DH needs help understanding the dynamics and his part in all this.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 3:05PM
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Unfortunately, yes you are going to have to get used to it. Your DH doesn't have your back. That's what you need to get used to.

Personally, I would not have gone into the house. She probably wanted that... to see you run. Then she can tell SS "OMG, look at LH run into the house... is she going to call the police on me? I'm just dropping off your helmet!" and 'poof, she is the victim and you are the bad guy. But, I also would not have waved to her either. DH should have told her she is violating an order by being there and that if the helmet needs to get to his house, he can go pick it up or she needs to call first. There are no boundaries and your DH is the one that is to blame for that. BM will push the limits because she gets off on your reaction... YUCK!!! (that's an understatement!)

Your biggest problem is your husband, in my opinion. He could put a stop to a lot of your aggravation but he adds to it by placing blame on you. BM should be providing adequate clothing when it's her time... she could have stopped at a shoe store because her son's shoes at your house are probably not much bigger than the ones he had on. Did he even get them after all? Your DH should be ANGRY at BM for bringing their child into what could have turned into an antagonistic situation... HE knows there's a restraining order. He knows how YOU feel about it. He is pointing the blame at the easy target, YOU! It's a lot easier to be angry at you than to wrangle with BM over it...

I think it's time for someone to pass you the lamp!!!

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 3:11PM
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Here's the lamp, and a pair of coconuts for someone who seems to be missing a pair!

Sounds like your Hubby is really in denial about BM's drinking. He believes she's not drinking anymore -- Why? Because she said so?

I can see why he's want to believe she's better... It must feel awful to have to turn your son over to someone who's out of control. The easiest way to get through the day is to try to convince yourself she's not out of control. Honestly, I think he's crossed over the line and is now an enabler.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 3:21PM
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I'm in a horrid place today.

Sweriously, this has just STRUCK A NERVE.

Hubby and I got into big time this afternoon. I have not been able to stop crying and his response when I am crying and he doesn't know what to say/do is to get angry.

He basically told me that HIS son can come over to the house anytime he wants and he's not going to say he can't just because of his mom. He also told me flat out he is angry at me for "keeping this going." IE--he thinks my order is stupid and that I am being ridiculous.

He said it is time for me to "stop hiding from BM."

Among other things.

I am just soooooo hurt by everything.

GOD. I know he must sound like the biggest @$$ and he can be, as I am sure I can one myself. I DO love him dearly, he is not like this all the time.

BUT BM has been the sore point in our relationship and now marriage for a good 5-6 yrs and I don't know what to do.

He honestly 100% believes I am being ridiculous and "sensitive" here.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 3:33PM
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I agree with him on that... you NEED to stop hiding from BM. but, HE NEEDS TO HAVE YOUR BACK!!!

I don't blame you for wanting to extricate yourself from the situation when you know he isn't going to support you at all. I would not want her to know she touched a nerve or give her any reaction whatsoever. She isn't worth it. She has no life... she gets her jollies thinking up ways to rattle your cage and she knows your husband won't say a damn word to her about it. If she knew he was actually telling you that YOU are in the wrong... she'd be giddy with delight!

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 3:57PM
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"She doesn't drink anymore and you have no reason to be afraid. You don't have to talk to her, just wave and walk away."

"He honestly 100% believes I am being ridiculous and "sensitive" here."

I especially like the "she doesn't drink any more" line;
sounds just like what every abusive drunk tells his victims.

& it doesn't matter *what* he "honestly" "believes";
his "opinion" is entirely self-serving, & following his advice could get you killed.

&, while I know the value of defending your teritory, don't do it when a known assailant is present.

Always go to a safe place when a violent person approaches.

& that's not my own personal advice;
I used to date a cop, & I've seen *him* put on a submissive act & retreat to keep violence from breaking out.

Stop "loving" hubs more than you love yourself;
he loves himself enough for everybody,
he doesn't love you or he'd take care of you,
& you're the one who'll get her nose broken or her teeth knocked out or worse.

Don't argue with him, don't try to convince him, just *tell* him that this is it:
although you're profoundly disappointed in him, you must protect yourself, & if your assailant shows her face near you again, you will go inside, & you will call the cops.

Tell him that it isn't up for discussion, it isn't a dialogue, it's just information that you want him to have, & that you will not discuss it further.

& then *don't*:

Don't discuss, don't argue, don't defend.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 4:08PM
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Uggh. LH, don't get me wrong - I completely feel for you and I also agree that if you feel that your DH is NOT backing you (his WIFE), then you need to have some intense conversations with him about how you are feeling. Nothing is worse then feeling (and/or knowing) that your DH puts other people before you. However, you KNOW that BM is immature and would LOVE to get under your skin. And you KNOW that she will do so even to the detriment of your SS. You also know, as does your DH, that YOU are mature and perhaps he feels that since SHE won't change, then he expects you, the mature one, to overlook her transgressions. Not fair, but perhaps that's his reasoning - you should rise above the antics for the sake of SS and his stability, etc., because he has no faith that BM will do so... Perhaps he thinks he is sacrificing for his child and doesn't realize that it has become a "putting exwife before LH" issue?

    Bookmark   September 16, 2009 at 9:36PM
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Gee Love,
Is this the same woman that assaulted you & blackened your eye? No I do not understand your DH's reasoning that you should just suck it up & deal. I agree, think he is enabling big time so he just doesn't have to deal with it anymore. She is playing him like a fiddle. Who is he married too-You or Her? Your welfare & safety should be at the top of his priority list.

I will tell you, it only gets worse from here if you accept this. Think you should call the police everytime she violates that restraining order-period and not even discuss it with your DH. You know how he feels now so protect yourself. I honestly think it's only a matter of time before she goes off the deep end again & officially relapses again. Someone serious about recovery and working their 12-step doesn't start out like this.

Oh also, agree if SS was in the car with her she was setting you up to be the bad guy so she can play poor me once again- Ugh the drama! Who needs it?

Stay strong.


    Bookmark   September 17, 2009 at 12:09AM
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I love the "shes not drinking anymore" excuse! What has it been...a month or two? And your dh does not mind that bm is driving over with ss in the car so she can play victim when you run inside?? The woman attacked you for gods sake!!!

If the roles were reversed and your ex was coming over to your home drunk and got physically violent with your dh how would he feel?

Would it be dropped and swept under the rug....or would he be sticking to this restraining order strictly? Maybe you need to bring this point up to him and let him know you feel he cares more about his ex's feelings than yours.

His ex is putting their son in the middle by thining of reasons to violate the restraining order that include their son. (I wanted to drop off a gift...needed to drop off his bike helmet..etc) Why does this not make your dh upset with her??

You need to straighten out your dh's attitude now before this gets worse...because it will only get worse!

    Bookmark   September 17, 2009 at 12:32PM
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Ex isn't the only one putting the son in the middle;
the child's *father* is at least equally responsible, maybe more so, since he supposedly is the reasonable one.

That poor kid didn't get any bargains in the parent department.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2009 at 2:40PM
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It doesn't matter if she drinks or not. there is a restraining order that she clearly violates, drunk ro sobber.

i agree you shouldn't hide. stay where you are. you are in your own house and your own driveway, but go straight to the police and tell them to make a note that she was once again at your house at inappropriate times. call police and let them know. don't argue with DH, it is pointless. just do what you need to do to protect yourself.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2009 at 10:18AM
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Lovehadley, I feel for you. There is nothing worse than feeling like your husband is sticking up for his EX-WIFE! I too have been in tears over my husbands reaction to a situation. I feel that he is enabling her by not enforcing the boundaries that are set, and in your case a restraining order. I would not want my SK's BM just stopping by my house without any notice. Oh the thought. My stomach would drop if I looked up and seen BM's car in the driveway or the curb.
I just can not get why these BM's think that they are entitled to do whatever they damn well please just because they are mom and use the excuse that, "it's for the kids". It seems to me that most dad's just don't want to stand up to these crazy BM's, they find it easier to just give them what they want so to speak. Just keep them happy then there will not be any trouble.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2009 at 3:05PM
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