I think I handled this well

lovehadleySeptember 14, 2010

So BM contacted me again.

I don't really get it. If someone had taken great length to cut contact between me and them---as in changing their phone number, getting an RO, and I had to sneakily snoop out their phone number---I think I'd get the point.

I have a little dignity, ya know?

But with BM, it's like she will continue to contact me no matter what. Just because.

It wasn't anything bad but still. That's not the point.

SS's school fundraising packet was due yesterday and it had been left accidentaly in his bedroom at our home; BM had arranged with school to turn it in a day late, but she needed to know the amounts of $$$ owed by HER friends and family, so she could collect the $$$ last night. (which she was supposed to collect up front, but I guess she didn't realize that.)

Anyway, she talked to DH about it around noon, I guess, b/c DH called me and asked if I could get the totals and EMAIL HIM--and he would let BM know.

I said fine, no problem.

Well, about an hour later, I get two text messages from BM asking ME to just call HER with the information.


I am so annoyed that she even HAS my phone number in the first place. Ya know? It really p*sses off! I do not want her contacting me in ANY way, shape or form.

I texted her back and said exactly this: please do not contact me again.

Ok, maybe that was rude of me, whatever, but you know something-- I don't really care. This is MY boundary that I am enforcing. I do not do well with people treating me the way she does. Not two weeks ago, I had a voicemail from her swearing at me and calling me a d*psh*t.

And then this?

I'm sure it is no surprise to any of you that DH was initially mad AT ME. He said "WHY did you have to respond to her at all? Now SHE is furious!"

I don't know. My rationale was that I wanted to make it CLEAR to BM that I am asking her to leave me alone. In case I renew my order--I want proof that I've asked her on multiple occasions to stop contacting me. I feel like if I ignored the texts, in one way, that's me accepting what she's doing.

I don't know.

Well, needeless to say, DH was mad b/c BM was mad at him. I guess she had called him yelling that I better not show my ugly face at any of SS's soccer games, and I'm psycho, and she hates me and wants nothing to do with me. So I don't "need" to tell her to stop contacting me.


But here's where I feel I handled it well. I didn't try to defend myself to DH. I didn't even really care that HE was mad. I just said "I'm sorry you feel that way, I did what I felt was best." And left it alone.

And when he got home from work--the issue didn't come up at all. I mean, I have just accepted that I cannot control his reaction--ALL I can do is set and enforce my own boundaries for myself.

Good, yes? I was pretty pleased about it.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

That is very good! You must be very proud of yourself. I admire you for just being able to walk away from DH and not try to convince him that you did the right thing (which you did, btw).

You know, I wonder, as you start to be able to calmly refuse to engage in silliness, if DH will realize that it all looks very appealing, and maybe he too will then decide that that is something that he wants too. You'll still have crazy BM but I think life would be a lot better if neither DH nor you were playing her games anymore.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2010 at 10:55AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


"DH was initially mad AT ME. He said "WHY did you have to respond to her at all? Now SHE is furious!""

He has a point (don't poke the tiger), but you didn't initiate this issue. He needs to realize that the tiger swiped her paw at you, and you put up the bars. I think it's essential for him to realize that his anger is misplaced. He needs to tell BM that because she violently and physically attacked you there are new rules of engagement.

BM, I'm sure you can understand Love's reluctance to engage with you after what you did to her and calling me after you do speak with her to threaten her, call her names and scream at me does not make the situation any better. I hope we can resolve this in the future and the relationship can be repaired but right now I'm not comfortable exposing my wife to this kind of violent behavior.

He spoke with BM, he made an agreement with her and then she contacted you. I say, next time she contacts you via text to forward the text to DH and ask him to handle it. (But I would have texted her back too)

"DH was mad b/c BM was mad at him."

This is it in a nutshell, isn't it? He's mad, because BM is mad at him and you didn't provide any buffer. Wouldn't it have been easier if Love had just done what BM asked and sent the emails directly to BM? hahaha

You did good. You did what you felt was healthiest for you personally in a situation in which you did not intentionally place yourself.

The fact that she called him (a) yelling (b) calling names (c) threatening and (d) the funniest of all...that she wants nothing to do with you (then why is she texting you????) just proves that you are not overreacting in your desire to keep her at least the length of a soccer field away from you ;)

    Bookmark   September 14, 2010 at 11:06AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

good job love, let them yell at each other, you did the right thing

    Bookmark   September 14, 2010 at 6:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"This is MY boundary that I am enforcing."

That is exactly right! You don't need someone to defend you. She contacted you directly.

I think you handled this with dignity and respect to both yourself and your husband. He will see that in time. I agree with Mattie's comment that when he sees how much better things are for you with boundaries (may take a while), he will start to see the appeal.

It is my belief that he loves you and your daughter. I also believe that he's just a dumb ole' boy that doesn't see the big picture yet.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2010 at 6:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Very good! Maybe if you do it often enough (enforce your boundaries), maybe your DH will catch on. When she started ranting at him about you, he could have told her that it has nothing to do with him & he isn't going to listen to her talk about his wife that way.

First, she doesn't make the rules for who can attend a public function... at school or anywhere else. and personally, if my DH called me up mad about that before I had given him the information on the fundraiser... I would have to just realize that I am too darn busy to find that info right now, but he is welcome to come home and find it himself.

Glad to see you are creating your boundaries with BM & DH.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 6:03AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Wonderful LH! Maybe if DH sees you are not tolerating bm's bs anymore he will stop expecting you too. And who knows...maybe he will stop as well! Either way you did the right thing for you. Way to go!

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 6:22AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks! I felt good about it.

I was a little selfish in my reasoning to text her back: I want record/documentation of ME asking her to leave me alone.


I mean, I get DH's point, as well, that it's throwing fuel on the fire. BM is not a rational person and doesn't react to things the way most people would. My boundary angered her.

But that's just it--it's MY boundary. NOT DH's, not hers. Mine.

Thanks for the support. :)

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 7:28AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I was a little selfish in my reasoning to text her back".

I don't see anything you did as being "selfish"! Frankly I think DH is selfish in expecting you to put up with this *#&(#& because he prefers to just roll over and take it.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 8:08AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

When I said he has a point I didn't mean that he was right and you were wrong to provoke her.

SHE started it. You drew the line in the sand, she reacted. You weren't selfish at all. What I was trying to say is I can see WHY he was angry, because the way he was looking at the situation, you could have tamped down the flames by doing what she wanted. Because you refused, you made it harder ON HIM. Hence the anger. You could have made it easy on him, you didn't. GOOD FOR YOU.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 8:33AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh, Silver, I knew exactly what you meant. :)

By selfish--I just meant that I knew texting her back would anger her. I considered ignoring for a minute---because I did recognize that would be easier for DH.

But, like I said, I felt it more important to have some documentation that I've asked her NOT to contact me. In case I need it in the future. Plus, it feels good to enforce my own boundaries, rather than depend on DH to (not) do it.

I really appreciate all your support. It helps me remember that my own instincts are usually right when it comes to protecting myself.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 9:03AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I considered ignoring for a minute---because I did recognize that would be easier for DH.

Unfortunately, silence is acceptance.
Replying to her text was the right choice. Now she can't say "But I sent Love a text and she didn't care. She even did what I asked of her," when she starts sending you threats and insults again.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 11:56AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hmmm, I would have told DH to shut the h3ll up as he's on borrowed time and he's obviously too stupid to realize that... But that's just me.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2010 at 9:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Ha! I love Lonepiper's suggestion!!

    Bookmark   September 16, 2010 at 12:23PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
If I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
It seems my five-year-old topic has reached its limit...
how much child support do you pay?
Hi everyone. I have been a non-custodial stepmom for...
adult step son and his girlfriend lives with us
i just want my privacy. we have never had any. met...
His children
I need advice and this seems to be the only intelligent...
His ex controls the situation through the kids
I have been dating my BF for over 3 years now and his...
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™