Kind of OT...secondary infertility related
This isn't totally related to stepfamilies, but I think my frustration/anger/sadness is just magnified because of BM on the outskirts of our life.
As some of you know, DH and I have struggled w/secondary infertility for 2+ yrs now. We started trying actually before we were married. Took a break in the middle because all of a sudden I decided I DID want the big, fairy-tale wedding.
Then we resumed immediately after and I was diagnosed w/tubal blockage---right tube totally shot, left tube somewhat open. So we did 3 medicated IUIs over a 6 month period, and they all failed.
At this point, I was SPENT. We were drained emotionally and it was right around this time that BM went nuts w/her drinking. So from April-August, all of our financial resources and mental energy were going to court related stuff. Our marriage was full of stress and anxiety and the timing just WASN'T right.
We made a conscious decision to postpone IVF (probably our ONLY chance at conceiving) until this fall, when the kids were back in school.
Today we have our very first IVF appt. We can probably start as soon as October, meaning I would be pregnant by late November or early December. I am looking at it with both excitement and fear. It is A LOT of money and there is the WHAT IF it doesn't work fear. Then what? We've already begun looking into adoption, but some of the countries we'd love to do have marriage-length requirements---China is 3 yrs, Peru is 2 yrs. Then add in the fact that the average time to get a baby is 2 yrs, and it could potentially be 5 years before we have a child! :(
I NEVER wanted such an age gap between my kiddos. I got pregnant so easily and accidentally with DD, I NEVER expected to be facing infertility at 28. It sickens me. Some days I don't think about it, but some days it just seriously brings me to my knees.
So, with impeccable timing, yesterday DH says to me "I have something hard to tell you."
Long pause. "BM is pregnant again.'
Turns out SS had called DH on Sunday and told him the exciting, happy news....that BM is expecting again.
We've had false things w/her where she's said she thinks she is, but this time it is true---SS had apparently been told the news and he told DH he is bringing an u/s pic to share with us. OH YAY.
I know, I know, it shouldn't MATTER. But my heart is having a hard time getting that.
This woman got pregnant with her toddler about 2 yrs ago, and DRANK like a fish the whole time, smoked, too. Her baby was born 5 weeks premature and weighed less than 5 lbs. I mean, at 20 wks (this was back when she wanted me to be her friend) she called bawling and drunk, saying she wanted to have an abortion. YUCK.
And here they are now. According to what she's told DH, hubby hasn't gotten paid in 6 months. No work to be found. She is cleaning houses part time, making about $200/wk and they're lviing off that, her food stamps, and temp. cash assistance from the state. Of course, she is on state insurance again---or STILL, I should say. Another baby the taxpayers will pay for.
I really should feel SORRY for her---sorry for SS---because given their situation, this is just not a good thing at all. I mean, last week, DH had to pick SS up twice for her b/c BM didn't have the gas to drive him to school. It's BAD.
I am just MAD though. MAD at the unfairness of it all. DH and I have so much love and time to offer a baby.I LOVED being pregnant. I took my baby's health SO seriously, to the point that I gave up caffeine, refused to take Tylenol, etc. I went to pre-natal yoga, ate healthy foods, walked every day, played music for DD in utero, read to her...I cherished every moment. I am a GOOD MOTHER. I love being a mom. Nothing is more important to me.
We really just want ONE more together. THREE total is PLENTY for us. We just want a child together....a sibling for our kids...I want to have a baby under planned, happy circumstances...
I do trust that one way or another it will happen...but this waiting and waiting is SO HARD. I feel like every month that goes by, is another month that widens the age gap between the kids....another month that I get older....
It's just not in MY plan. I guess it's in God's plan, but today---I am having a hard time swallowing it.
And today, I am very bitter about the fact that SS will have ANOTHER sibling at BM's....it just underscores the fact to me that it's not happening for us. Will it happen????? I hope so. I don't know WHAT I will do if it doesn't. :(