Kind of OT...secondary infertility related

lovehadleySeptember 8, 2009

This isn't totally related to stepfamilies, but I think my frustration/anger/sadness is just magnified because of BM on the outskirts of our life.

As some of you know, DH and I have struggled w/secondary infertility for 2+ yrs now. We started trying actually before we were married. Took a break in the middle because all of a sudden I decided I DID want the big, fairy-tale wedding.

Then we resumed immediately after and I was diagnosed w/tubal blockage---right tube totally shot, left tube somewhat open. So we did 3 medicated IUIs over a 6 month period, and they all failed.

At this point, I was SPENT. We were drained emotionally and it was right around this time that BM went nuts w/her drinking. So from April-August, all of our financial resources and mental energy were going to court related stuff. Our marriage was full of stress and anxiety and the timing just WASN'T right.

We made a conscious decision to postpone IVF (probably our ONLY chance at conceiving) until this fall, when the kids were back in school.

Today we have our very first IVF appt. We can probably start as soon as October, meaning I would be pregnant by late November or early December. I am looking at it with both excitement and fear. It is A LOT of money and there is the WHAT IF it doesn't work fear. Then what? We've already begun looking into adoption, but some of the countries we'd love to do have marriage-length requirements---China is 3 yrs, Peru is 2 yrs. Then add in the fact that the average time to get a baby is 2 yrs, and it could potentially be 5 years before we have a child! :(

I NEVER wanted such an age gap between my kiddos. I got pregnant so easily and accidentally with DD, I NEVER expected to be facing infertility at 28. It sickens me. Some days I don't think about it, but some days it just seriously brings me to my knees.

So, with impeccable timing, yesterday DH says to me "I have something hard to tell you."


Long pause. "BM is pregnant again.'


Turns out SS had called DH on Sunday and told him the exciting, happy news....that BM is expecting again.

We've had false things w/her where she's said she thinks she is, but this time it is true---SS had apparently been told the news and he told DH he is bringing an u/s pic to share with us. OH YAY.

I know, I know, it shouldn't MATTER. But my heart is having a hard time getting that.

This woman got pregnant with her toddler about 2 yrs ago, and DRANK like a fish the whole time, smoked, too. Her baby was born 5 weeks premature and weighed less than 5 lbs. I mean, at 20 wks (this was back when she wanted me to be her friend) she called bawling and drunk, saying she wanted to have an abortion. YUCK.

And here they are now. According to what she's told DH, hubby hasn't gotten paid in 6 months. No work to be found. She is cleaning houses part time, making about $200/wk and they're lviing off that, her food stamps, and temp. cash assistance from the state. Of course, she is on state insurance again---or STILL, I should say. Another baby the taxpayers will pay for.

I really should feel SORRY for her---sorry for SS---because given their situation, this is just not a good thing at all. I mean, last week, DH had to pick SS up twice for her b/c BM didn't have the gas to drive him to school. It's BAD.

I am just MAD though. MAD at the unfairness of it all. DH and I have so much love and time to offer a baby.I LOVED being pregnant. I took my baby's health SO seriously, to the point that I gave up caffeine, refused to take Tylenol, etc. I went to pre-natal yoga, ate healthy foods, walked every day, played music for DD in utero, read to her...I cherished every moment. I am a GOOD MOTHER. I love being a mom. Nothing is more important to me.

We really just want ONE more together. THREE total is PLENTY for us. We just want a child together....a sibling for our kids...I want to have a baby under planned, happy circumstances...

I do trust that one way or another it will happen...but this waiting and waiting is SO HARD. I feel like every month that goes by, is another month that widens the age gap between the kids....another month that I get older....

It's just not in MY plan. I guess it's in God's plan, but today---I am having a hard time swallowing it.

And today, I am very bitter about the fact that SS will have ANOTHER sibling at BM' just underscores the fact to me that it's not happening for us. Will it happen????? I hope so. I don't know WHAT I will do if it doesn't. :(

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I'm sorry, lovehadley.

Breathe in, breathe out, & stay centered.

Remember that you are exactly where you're supposed to be, & that it'll all turn out like it's supposed to.

Even if you have to wait & adopt, it'll work out;
things will fall into place where they're supposed to, when they're supposed to.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2009 at 2:39PM
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*HUGS* to you lh. I do know how you feel! I always wanted to have another biological child besides my ds. I love my skids dearly, but always wanted more biological children as well. We do have a full house with my 3 skids and my biokid. But we have toyed with the idea of having another since the other 4 are older (7 is the youngest).

When a year went by without it happening we started seeing a fertility doc. Found out I had tube blockage, endometriosis, and some other stuff going on. Our insurance did pay for me to get my tubes unblocked. We have not tried IVF or insemination yet though.

Meanwhile BM of my skids has gone onto having 3 more children she can't take care of.

It seems like the people who shouldn't have kids do and the people who really want them and will be good parents can't. Its one of those messed up truths I think.

I will keep my fingers crossed for your IVF.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2009 at 3:11PM
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Thanks mom2emall. I will think lots of ++++ thoughts for you---hope you can conceive soon!

Our appt. today actually went GREAT. I LOVE this RE. He is awesome, an older man who has actually written a well-known book on TTC and fertility.

The first thing he wants is to see the actual copy of my HSG exam (the one where the tubal blockage was diagnosed.) He said people (doctors) often misread those tests and he said he really doubted that diagnosis.

He said he thinks our issues might be more of a natural fertility-related decline. My mom had a lot of trouble before me and also with conceiving in between me and my brother. It took her a year to get pg with me and then they tried for 3 yrs after me and were about halfway through the adoption process when she unexpectedly (but pleasantly!) got pg with my brother.

My grandma also had fert. issues. She conceived my mom and uncle but it took her months each time. Then they tried for a 3rd and were never able to conceive again. :(

So this dr. thinks this might be something genetic that I just come by. He said at my age (29 in a few weeks) that infertility is about 20%, compared to 1% at 20, which I was when DD was conceived.

He did say, though, that 2 years of TTC is just too long and that IVF is probably our best bet.

We're actually going to give it ONE MORE natural cycle with having intercourse (sorry so personal!) every other day. We've always hit ovulation dead on but this RE was saying that STRESS plays a huge role and when you KNOW you're ovulating and it's THE TIME, that can actually hinder conception. So he said really try to relax for one more month and try every other day and NOT THINK about it--HAHAHA YEAH RIGHT.

I will go on birth control in October and then be regulated to start IVF meds in November----get the eggies in early December and transfer the next month! It's daunting but I am excited and hopeful.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2009 at 6:51PM
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just wanted to send a little hope your way. This is my friends story.
They tried to concieve for 7 years naturally with no luck at all. They turned to IVF and after the frist time were pregnant. They were thrilled to learn that they were having twins. The twins are now 1 1/2 years old. they just found out the other day, that they are now pregnant naturally! Quite a big surprise as they didnt see the need for birth control since they were infertle for 7 years and had to use IVF. Her take on it is that they were sooooo stressed those 7 years about getting pregnant that nothing happened, but after she had her twins, she was realaxed because she got her twins....they will now have a VERY busy home!

It took me a while to get preggo with our youngest, I tried everything from tracking cycles to taking robitussin (it's supposed to make you fluids easier for the swimmies ;) so, I know how frustrating it is. When someone even if it was someone I liked told me they were preggo I just wanted to cry. I am so sorry you are going through this.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2009 at 10:07PM
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good luck. it is very important not be negative or stressed. You'll be fine. I will keep my fingers crossed.

i don't think you should think of BM pregnant or not, frankly one issue is unrelated to the other. plenty of people have something that you don't. it would be pretty miserable life if we focus on that. i have only one child but I don't feel bad that others have more, so what. it doesn't take much brain to get pregnant, just a healthy body and some luck. it is not a measurement of intelligence or greatness.

as about IVF my cousin waited 5 years to get pregnant, did IVF and had triplets at 35. They are doing great, are in 1st grade now, and are beyond cute. So it works just great! Good luck wiht it!

I can't have kids anymore, and even if I could I am getting a bit old for that, but i am happy if others have children.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2009 at 10:40AM
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Lots of baby dust your way! I understand what you're going through. TTC for 3yrs, 3rd month of Clomid & trying IUI in 2 months! I will be thinking of you!

    Bookmark   September 20, 2009 at 12:46AM
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Love, nature tends to shut down conception when the "momma" is under stress, & that's a good (I hesitate to say "wise" even though it is) thing;
stress means momma doesn't have the resources & environment to support a newborn at the moment.

Having read your recent posts about your husband & his ex, my thoughts are that maybe you should make a conscious decision to wait before you have a child with this guy.

I wish you the best, & I'm holding you in my thoughts & in my heart.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2009 at 11:43AM
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Sweeby not all fertility issues are stress related. I often value your opinions on here, but as someone who is going through fertility issues I get upset when people say this to me. Many people have told me to "just relax" and I will get pregnant! Unfortunately that is not the case for me or Love. There are medical reasons preventing us from getting pregnant.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2009 at 1:52PM
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Who, me?

    Bookmark   September 21, 2009 at 2:57PM
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Did I say Sweeby? OOPS! I meant to say sylvia! LOL Sorry about that!

    Bookmark   September 21, 2009 at 5:59PM
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sorry, I didn't mean to imply that "just relaxing" would get a person pregnant;
if that were so, no woman could afford to take a drink on New Year's Eve!

but Love said,
"I got pregnant so easily and accidentally with DD, I NEVER expected to be facing infertility at 28"

so what's different now?


    Bookmark   September 21, 2009 at 6:23PM
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"so what's different now?"

It was buried somewhere in one of my initial posts but what's different now is tubal blockage. I have diagnosed infertility that, unfortunately, is not stress-related. It's funny b/c it's only my right tube that's blocked, and the consensus has been that I had damage to it from a laparoscopy I had in 2001, 4 wks before I got pg with DD.

NOW--I am not saying that some of this isn't a blessing in disguise. We consciously made a decision to take a break from fertility treatments from April-Aug. for all of the reasons above---it was just not good timing.

But stress aside---it's not why I am NOT getting pregnant. With my tubal issues, IVF is going to probably be our only shot at conception.

I don't buy the whole stress thing, either, b/c plenty of people get pregnant when they *shouldn't.* Look at BM. Three kids between the two of them already, BM has a drinking problem, they have NO MONEY, and still---she's pregnant with number 4. SIGH.

I appreciate the sentiment behind what you said, Sylvia, though.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2009 at 6:46PM
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I'm sorry, love.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2009 at 10:11AM
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