I'm ready to say something...need advice

mom2emallSeptember 23, 2010

I posted twice about my issues with my neighbor. See my post titled ANNOYED to find out background info if you need it. Anyways yesterday afterschool her son decided to tell my son he could not walk home with him and the new kid (you know the one my neighbor forbids her son to be around). He told my son he needed to go get ss...not that it is his business but ds and I worked out an arrangement where he gets ss sometimes and sd gets ss sometimes afterschool. It was sd's day. But ds was embarassed by the way the neighbor boy was going on about it so he walked away and walked with other friends.

This morning neighbor boy walked past our house to go get new kid (who had already left for school) and then walked to school alone....he saw my ds walk outside but he ignored him and walked away.

I want to call the neighbor and tell her what her "perfect" son is up to. I am getting sick of the nonsense. Her son whines and complains about ds to his mom, she calls me to tell me what her "perfect" son said and how he is upset with ds. I am ready to call her today and say something along these lines:

"I just wanted to let you know that yesterday your son really hurt my sons feelings afterschool by not letting him walk home with him and the new kid. This morning your son went to go get the new kid and ended up walking to school by himself when the new kid wasn't there. He saw my ds but ignored him and walked to school. I didn't want to say anything, but your ds has been really behaving differently lately.

In the last few weeks since my ds had been ungrounded for his behaviors by your house I have been checking up on ds when he is playing in your driveway with your son. In those few weeks I have seen your son standing up on a gas line attached to the outside of your other neighbors home and yelling into the window to talk to their son, I saw him kick a basketball and it hit your window...he retrieved it and kicked it again and it hit your neighbors garage and went into their yard. Then he ran up to the side of your house and jumped on your gutter drain and smooshed it flat. I said uh oh and he said you run it over with your car all the time so its not a big deal.

I heard him screaming in the driveway playing basketball with ds (and saw it was him)....then he went in for dinner and came back out saying you were asking who was being so loud and he told my ds he blamed it on him. I am getting to the same point you were when you were upset with my ds and didn't know if you should say something. I have been really upset with the way your ds has been acting, but have been worried to say anything."

What do you think??? I am at the point where I really want to say something because I am sick of her son going home and whining about ds and her calling me. Maybe if she hears what her son has been up to she will start paying attention to his actions. I don't think she would tell me I did not see what I saw....I do think she will be embarassed that she has been up my a$$ about my ds when hers has been acting like a fool.

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I would not call her. I realize your frustration and all the kid's stories with the he said/ they said...but seriously, do you need all this neighborhood uproar?

You know your son and neighborhood personally along with the other mother/s and what is best, all I can say is what I would do if this were me and in my neighborhood.

I'd pick up my ss myself. Older siblings as they get into JR high and HS have 'important' kid social stuff...having to hurry and run get ss would be a drag quickly. I understand your kids are family responsiblity sensed, but let 'em but kids. Gossip with BFFs, snail pace walking and just hanging yakking over their 'social life'. Pick up the youngest

As far as the 'new' kid. I'd likely invite his parents over for a BBQ to get to know them...or at the least, take a platter of goodies over, knock on the door and introduce myself ('hey, I'm so and so's mom and our sons have been hanging a bit, thought I'd just swing by and say welcome to the neighbor') hoping to get a sense of what their homelife/style is and if it jives with yours as to the kids being social or good/bad influences on each other.

Stop fighting, even though so far politely, with the ladies next of the neighborhood. The 'but did you know what YOUR kid did/does' is going to just add fuel to the fires.

I don't see anything good coming from calling each other at this point. Both of you are getting two stories from two different kids. Enough. Your kid does not go over there anymore and her's no longer comes to your place...if that is not reasonable, than both mommies stay out of it and let the kids work it out.

Kids toss basketballs, they make noise, the hang out of windows hoping to see their friends...pretty much sounds like just being kids. Only thing I would really be concerned with is that the 'new' kid does not pass on bad ideas and habits to the current kids. What are the age differences of all the boys? Asking because say a 12 yr old may be too young to socialize with a 16 yr old...different intrests, time killing enjoyments ect and all that.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2010 at 10:49AM
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I agree with Justme. Tempting as it is, and boy, I probably would have been over there screaming "oh yeah? well YOUR kid..." a long time ago; in my experience you won't get anything but trouble.

As long as he is not hurting your son this is a valuable learning lesson. What to do when:

Someone acts inappropriately and blames you
Someone is not obeying their mother
Someone plays "odd man out" with you and you're the "odd man"
Someone is judged by circumstances beyond their control (kids about their parents)


Being able to help your DS work through solutions and the pain as hard as it might be, will make him a better, more compassionate person who has the skills to stand up for himself.

Like, when JNB (jerky neighbor boy) told DS he told JNBM (jerky neighbor BM) that DS was the one making the noise, DS should stand up for himself. "why did you tell your mom that? It's not true, and my mom won't let me play here if your mom keeps telling her I'm acting up."

    Bookmark   September 23, 2010 at 11:09AM
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Today I finally could not take anymore and talked to my neighbor. Her son continues to be a jerk and has been saying rude things about my ds at school to other kids. Today after school ds and the neighbor were hanging out outside and another kid from school rode up on his bike. The neighbor tried to show off in front of this other kid and began punching ds and saying "I don't hang out with younger kids". Ds told him to stop and the neighbor continued hitting him until ds finally pushed him and came home. Ds came inside and was almost in tears....not because he was physically hurt, but because he was sad that the neighbor acted that way. Ds said that he was not punching hard enough to really hurt him, but it bothered him that he was doing it at all.

I went over and talked to my neighbor. I told her that I know the boys have been having their share of disagreements lately and that ds has been talking to me about it. I said that ds was upset about what her son was saying about him at school and that I told ds to talk to him about it and work it out among themselves. I told her I didn't want to say anything about it at all, but today it went too far. After I told her what happened she was apologetic and called her son out. She had hme call my son out. She yelled at her son and he tried to deny it happened. Then he said he was just playing around and she scolded him about hte fact that putting your hands on someone is not playing around...especially when they are asking you to stop. She told her son to apologize to mine and he looked at ds with a big smirk on his face and mumbled sorry. She then yelled at her son for being a smartie pants and said he was grounded. SHe kept apologizing to me and later on her and her dh and son came over and he gave my ds a real apology. SHe told me that she has seen a negative change in her son lately and is frustrated with him.

So maybe it is good I told her what is going on.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2010 at 12:06AM
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I'm glad that went as well as it did. It could have turned out badly so I know you're relieved she was open to hear what you said.

That must have been a difficult conversation.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2010 at 1:06AM
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Wow! You are brave!!!! Good job Mama! Sorry it had to be taken to the physical level, but glad no one was hurt.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2010 at 9:36AM
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IDK, are you sure you really want DS to be friends with this other boy? Hitting on DS outside your home...why, because an older and different boy showed up?

I guess I'm not seeing these other boys as really being a 'friend' to your son. Spreading crap at school, blowing him off physically when another 'friend' shows up. Sure does not sound like a healthy friendship that I'd want my child to partake in and persue.

Sure , kid got in trouble, parents were alerted, "I'm sorry" passed around, but what did it really change? What happens when it's the neighborhood park or the recess grounds next?

Are the friends from school DS's age that could be invited over? Maybe it's time for DS to branch out his young social life and build friendships with kids that he can really call his 'friend' , one he can hang with, share kid stuff with and not fear his 'friend' is going to ridicule and turn on every few minutes depending on what's up and who's around. I just can't imagine that the current 'friend' is doing much for DS's self esteem which is an important part of teen years. He's a fun likable young teen/preteen, why waste his engery and efforts on kids that use and abuse him? Maybe it's time these kids just slowly drift apart...does not mean you can still not be friends as their mothers.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2010 at 10:21AM
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Thanks everyone, I am glad it went well and did not turn into a war with our neighbors. With that said Justmetoo I totally agree with you. We talked to ds last night and said that he needs to stop trying to be friends with the neighbor (which is hard for him because until this school year they were inseperable!). For some reason this school year the neighbor boy totally changed!

DS always says how much he loves playing basketball at the neighbors house so I went out today and bought a basketball hoop. I am going to surprise ds with it in a few days after dh has a chance to put it together. And then maybe he will have friends from his class over here to hang out and play basketball.

I really don't want him hanging out with the neighbors son anymore because yesterday really went too far. But I did want the neighbor to know how her "perfect" son was behaving. Hopefully this is the end of our problems.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2010 at 3:44PM
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good job!!!!

    Bookmark   October 6, 2010 at 7:47PM
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I am always very impressed with parents who step up when their kids are misbehaving. The worst kids I have EVER seen are the ones whose parents say , "My child would never...". Oh please! Hello enabler! Years ago my children were playing outside (ages 4 and 7) a 12 year old boy from another street thought it would be funny to try and runover my 4 year old with his bike to show off for the other kids. He scared him pretty bad. My 7 year old daughter (who was afraid of nothing, unfortunately)stood up to the 12 year old bully to protect her baby brother and the 12 year old hit her in the face! The other kids came to get me and when I tried to talk to the boy he cussed me and took off. The kids were happy to show me where his grandfather lived. His Grandfather told me that they had a lot of problems with him and that he would send his mother to my house when she got there. I was ready to fight, seriously. When she knocked on my door I was ready, but she surprised me. She had her son by the collar and made him apologize to my children, then she apologized. I told her how he talked to me and she spanked his rear-end right there in front me for that too! I certainly wasn't expecting that, and felt a little bad about it. But I have to say, that was 10 years ago...I see that boy (young man now) from time to time around town and he grew up well. He is respectful and hard working. His mother did right by him. She taught him honor and respect, and owning your actions and words. No, a mother that doesn't teach her children that, that makes excuses for their bad behavior, is setting their child up for a life time of pain.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2010 at 5:37PM
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