Help with adult SKs and DH
Ok, so I've posted a couple of rants, sometimes mirroring what some others have felt on here since I've been reading this site. I've read many many posts and there is a lot of good advice here. I really need help and yes a lot of things are always easier said than done, but it's got to change and it's got to start somewhere.
We've been providing for SKs since I've been in the picture (over 13 yrs), and before that DH was single and had custody and all the responsibility as well. They are now 22 and 24 and STILL not working. I'd say well over a YEAR w/no jobs, there's been plenty of chances, excuses and time to "get a life". It's a very sore subject, of course it causes tension becuz its easier for them to keep doing what they do, not look everywhere and anywhere for a start, an opening. I've tried helping, suggesting, even went onto websites and submitted resumes. Reality is, you can't make someone want to work, or pursue and call for a job. Most often the subject is only brought up by DH ever few weeks when he gets fed up w/something and starts trying to push them to be adult. Then it gets "talked" about, "yeah, we know...yeah this and that", but after about a week it's like nothing ever changed or was said. I'm always the bad guy when I push or bring it up. If I try to just inquire, I hear either so many reasons why they either couldn't go look, or are not getting the jobs applied for. I can see this for a short time(not going on 2yrs), but if they are 25...possibly 30...still living under our roof, still having us pay all utilities, groceries, soaps etc...I'm not going to make it. I don't think I can do it much longer down this road. I try to gauge when i need to back off as DH also gets upset and starts to defend SKs and seems angry at me. So, for the sake of our relationship I tolerate more. I've lost sleep, been stressed more than I can handle anymore. I don't want it to affect my liking and caring for SKs, or ruin my marriage, but it's ruining me now. I feel resentment inside, I feel mad a lot, it just sucks. It gets to the point that I don't even want to hear what else SKs have going on, what movies/friends/drawings they've done, if it doesn't precede with looking and finding a job. I'm now going to try and get my ducks in a row so to speak on how to again approach this with DH. We have to meet, set bounderies (again), and I need commitment from him. The SKs need consequences. There's been many consequences "spoken" but NEVER followed through on. He's said he'd wake them up, take them to work all day w/him to sit there or go out and look, if they don't get up and go look themselves. Well, hello..of course they say they will go, but when we leave for work, it's just as easy to wake up late, stay on computer or whatever.
What I need is a way to bring this up again with DH first. List some plans that we will stick to. I even thought about having them keep a journal of jobs they apply to, checking with them each week (which i attempted w/SS-24 but didn't work out). I don't know, I know it's going to take DH's commitment and support. He gets tired of me complaining, and I know he wants them to get out and succeed, but he also tolerates and would rather avoid conflict. But I'm on the edge and it's going to be a major conflict between the 2 of us if something doesn't give. The option to kick them out if they do not find something is NOT there. He would never do that, and I do love them so I can't see homeless being an answer. But, I don't want to hate them or my home. I don't even like taking days off from work anymore bcuz it's not a vacation, it's dealing with them always at home or doing what they please. I don't get a lot of respect when I try to change things. I've even been laughed at for getting mad, so pushing my buttons is apparently amusing. DH and I also have no time to ourselves, and if we do, we have to pay to go somewhere away from the house, which is not usually an option. I don't care if it's selfish to want our own space, to be able to have things or be in better financial shape if things were different and we weren't still supporting 4 adults full circle. I'm just tired of feeling defeated, judged and just the outsider b*tch. I wont leave my home again and I put in usually over half of the $$ into the bills and what we have. I wouldn't really care about that if I didn't feel used and that things will never change. I think at this point in our marriage as well, we deserve to have some things and time ALONE.
Sorry so long, there's just so many things...I am at the end...