Hey JNM want to compare notes?

yabberAugust 17, 2009

How was your week JNM? How did your SD go?

This weekend was a hard one for me for some reason. It's the same stuff as usual, but some days I just find it harder to deal with it (BM's madness).

Maybe it's because SD11 is getting sucked right in, and all we can do is stand by and watch it happen.

SD13 is staying with us for a week at a time now and all is going well at our place. BM is painting her black however (punishing SD13 for deserting) and SD11 is now all white (even more favored than normal).

SD11 is loving the extra attention, she's getting presents and clothing when SD13 is with us, they're having cake for dinner oohh it's soo much fun staying with BM while SD13 is with us...

Buuuuttt, SD's are also BM's carer and that is just not normal. SD13 is starting to pull away from this, and so SD11 now feels the pressure to fill the gap. And that is the real reason why SD11 needs to stay with BM for longer.

She feels responsible for BM's emotional wellbeing and it just annoys the hell out of me how such a young girl needs to carry this responsibility around. And let's not forget; because BM is so emotionally unstable SD11 can never succeed in her task, which is damaging her (already low) self esteem.

We are just so worried about her. I've mentioned on this forum before that BM is caring for a disabled 18-yr old who has a history of violent outbursts. She was having this girl around SD's and their baby brother. The good news is that BM has stopped having the girl around SD's, she only has her EOW now when SD's are with us. The bad news is that SD11 is still involved in helping BM care for the disabled girl. BM rings our house, SD11 has to go to her bedroom (secret service of course) and gets instructions on what to say to the disabled girl. Then BM puts the girl on the phone and SD11 repeats what needs to be said. It makes my blood boil!!!!

SD11:" Can you do something for me "X"? Can you please behave with my mum for me? Just do it for me because that would make me really happy".

Grrrrrrrrrrr.....

And how is SD11 supposed to feel when she gets off the phone? Try anxious and worried. FDH did have a talk to SD11 and explained that it's not her place to be involved in her mum's job, and it's certainly not her responsibility to make the girl behave around BM. SD11 does understand that but she'll do it for her mum anyway (which is understandable).

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justnotmartha

I'm so sorry to hear your weekend was hard. I can relate - sometimes it's just a pile of little things that can pull you over the edge.

I can SO relate to the responsibility for mom's well-being. We dealt with that for years when SD was younger, and BM played right into it - tears and all. My blood would just boil when SD would get off the phone in tears saying she had to go to her mom because she was all alone and so sad and lonely and scared. Of course, BM didn't mention she just got back from the gym and was meeting a friend for dinner in an hour - it was all poor, SD-less BM. We had so many talks explaining that parents shouldn't put their burdens on their kids and that BM's happiness wasn't SD's responsibility. Some sunk in, others didn't. My SD finally saw it herself, which is what it sounds like your SD13 did. Hopefully SD11 will follow suit shortly?

How does SD13 handle the cake for dinner treatment SD11 is getting? Does she understand what mom is pulling? Can you ask questions like 'wow - did you used to get cake too? Were things always so 'fun' at moms?" to maybe get her thinking about why this is happening, if she isn't already. She needs to understand she hasn't done anything wrong and that this treatment isn't justified or fair. Sadly, sometimes you just have to be blunt. Not mean, but honestly blunt. Been there, done that, wear the t-shirt proudly.

Sending you hugs. You deserve them!

    Bookmark   August 18, 2009 at 2:07AM
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yabber

"How does SD13 handle the cake for dinner treatment SD11 is getting? Does she understand what mom is pulling?"
Yes! Thank goodness SD13 has snapped out of it. She does understand what her mum is doing so we don't need to (subtly) address that.

But you're right; we do need to validate her own feelings because it is important for her to know she hasn't done anything wrong. So yes we do say things when they need to be said.

For example; when SD13 told us that BM had said it was so nice and peaceful without SD13 (grrr) I said that I didn't think it's SD13 who picks the fights all the time (BM and SD13 fight a lot/all the time). Because if it was then she'd bring that with her to our house and how come we don't have fights all the time?? It's not a very nice thing to say and BM is saying it because she feels angry.

And then later on SD13 told us that BM got very angry with her one night because SD13 didn't realise how hard it was for BM without her there. Pfff. FDH pointed out the inconsistency of the 'peaceful time' and the 'hard time' without SD13 and said she should not be made to feel guilty. Not mean, but honest.

So how is your SD going? Or is this a bad time to ask? :-)

    Bookmark   August 18, 2009 at 4:38AM
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finedreams

SD11:" Can you do something for me "X"? Can you please behave with my mum for me? Just do it for me because that would make me really happy".

WTF? Excuse my language. This is so inappropriate.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2009 at 8:40AM
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ashley1979

I completely agree, FD! That makes me sick to my stomach! Adults should not put children in authoritative positions just because they themselves have no authority.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2009 at 4:41PM
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yabber

Yes it gets your blood boiling hey??

    Bookmark   August 18, 2009 at 8:44PM
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justnotmartha

Yabber: forgot to tell you, I posted an update in my other thread! :)

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 9:48AM
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