I need ADVISE!!!!

e10510August 22, 2011

Dear Somebody

Please read all of this it gets complicated�.

I was 18 when I meet my husband. He was 23 and had been married before with a two year old child. Things were great. My husband was and is bound and determined to have his son � the time, which makes me love him even more. His first wife and I get along great; weird but it works. We have been together seven years. I and my stepson have had some rough times. I admit that it hasn�t always been easy, especially since the birth of my two children with his father. His mother also has two other children and stays home and her husband works on the road. I and my husband both work. I am a teacher and he manages a company. But we try our hardest to spend a lot of time with the kids. The BIG problem is that the last couple of weeks my stepson keeps saying he wants to live with his mom. My husband and she were married for two years and they get along fine. I believe that we give him a little more stability and discipline. Which believe to be important? But he thinks were the boring place. I know that most people would think of the stereotype of my husband. He is a great dad and wants to raise his son right. I really like his mom but I have a feeling that the anti our house is coming from her( not sure why just in he gut). Because once the transition hour is over, he�s is fine no problems. I am just worried that we are being selfish and it will effect him badly later. Its just when he is with her she allows him to act out more, eat junk, and homework????. I do not think that either of us knows the truth or the right answer. I just am the step mom who fell in love with a man with a baby. But that baby is a very big part of our life together. I wouldn�t change him for the world. I just am so frustrated and want to give my husband sound advise. I feel that soon the relationship between his parents is going to get ugly. HELP ME !!!!

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I think that the reason mom's house seems fun is because it's not full time. Does she just have him on the weekends?

This is very common. The kiddo isn't there long enough to be a discipline problem. We normally eat out on the weekend and or pizza, have pop corn for movies. We do all of our fun things on the weekends so it's not completely impossible that if mom has him on weekends, she is doing what 'we' normal people in my house do every weekend which is eat bad, stay up late, etc.

Maybe your stepson is just missing his mom. My daughter used to go through an hour transition. She missed her dad so much and so when she came home, I felt like she was 'angry' at me or taking things out on me when basically, she is just 10 and can't possibly describe her true feelings in words just actions, pouting, slamming doors etc.

It's very frustrating but honestly I think your stepson may be having a 'loyalty' issue. Maybe he feels that he really misses mom and wants to be with mom full time but doesn't want to hurt dad's feelings or make him angry.

I am also not surprised that your house is considered the 'boring' house. We have the boring house too because we do bath time during the week and bed time routine and homework and dinner at the table and .... So on and so on. That doesn't mean my ex doesn't do those things too, but just probably not on the weekends when he has her. They are go go go and constantly on the run doing this and that. We don't typically do big fun expensive things because we can't afford to but when she comes home, she has to come down off of being go go go and the first thing she says is 'I'm bored!!'

Very common, your stepson sounds normal but I'm willing to bet it's not 'his mom' making him 'anti' your house but just the fact that he misses his momma and might just not want their time together to end. Who else is he going to take it out on?

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 11:38PM
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We have him an equal amoumt of time.because we live 10 min apart. Same school, same friends, and we all come to almost every ball practice. He is a little spoiled. But her husband works on the road so he just has mom usually when he is there. With the whole food thing my husband has type 1 diabeties so we try not to keep junk in the house. Its not that she is a bad mom. She is a nice person. Just some times she does what she believes to be cool and not exactly best for him.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2011 at 6:30PM
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If you have the child 50/50 then what he is telling you is he does not want to be at your house perhaps more than the typical every other weekend thing?

He's nine. He gets little say in this and being 'bored' is not one of the things he would get to just decide to cancel out a 50/50 split over.

So exactly what kind of 'sound advice' is your DH asking for? It's his child, the parents make these decisons (and when all else fails the courts do it for them).

Same school, same friends...so his daily life is basically the same no matter which house he lives at. That leaves 1/2 a month worth of evenings and weekends. Perhaps DH can discuss with his son why this time is 'boring', what's different during those same times at Mom's, and figure out the whys and hows the kid is getting this sudden change of residence ideas from.

Could be be anything and DH won't know truthful answers unless he asks. Guessing the 'why' could automatically take focus off actual issues the child believes exists in your household. Example: not enough attention, nobody to help with homework (examples only not saying these examples are on target)too strict rules, sit and stares at tv all evening instead of interacting with family members (again examples only).

With his stepfather on the road all the time Mom may spend her entire evenings/weekends catering to child's every little wimp as she has nothing else to fill her time (again example of possibles only).

What is different at Mom's house over your house. Perhaps it's something as silly as his new best friend lives next store to Mom and he gets to play outside during after school there. Again, it could be anything and DH neds tgo discuss what is going on and why his son suddenly wants changes.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2011 at 7:12PM
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Thanks I wanted a third party to help! We have talked to him many times about the issues. He just says that it is boring. His mother does spend alot of time catering to him. Sometimes I feel that she does more for him than her younger children. So that he feels more how you say special. I want and my husband want to ensure that we treat all of our children the same. We also do not allow disrespectiful behavior at home due to the fact the the younger siblings are watching. I know she is a good mother and he would would probably be fine for now. But when teenage years come I am scared she is going to let him go wild. Which I have not much control over. He just treats her really bad at times with no reprocutions. Except her calling him a little s word, And we go to pick him up in a MOOD and she says good look. ARG I have not meet anyone in my situation before. My stepson has been doing this since he was 1. I think that he thinks that the divorce was his dads or my fault. Which is no the case she was wanting to party and was pregnant by some one else before the divorce was final( the third child and husband are different than the second childs father). He thinks that every thing would be perfect if they were together but they would never work... My and my husbands parents have been together over 40 years. Her mom was married 3 times I think it just makes sense to be in limbo( I dont mean to streotype) it just seem like history repeats its self. But thank agian. This is probably just a faze. We have always handled things out of court so I am sure we will work some thing out.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2011 at 11:00PM
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Ooh touchy subject. Don't stereotype because your husband is divorced so his parents being married for 40 yrs didn't do anything for him.

Kids don't always need to be treated equal in that regard. Children of divorce need time with their parent one on one. Children (like your younger children) in intact families need one on one time with each parent. Does your husband spend one on one time with his son? If no, then he needs to start. Maybe his son is just needing his attention and has no way of letting dad know.

Good luck!!

    Bookmark   August 24, 2011 at 12:35AM
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