Divorce? Separation? Inputs please just not too harsh

annkaineAugust 31, 2011

I have known my husband since Jr High (were 22) we got married almost a year ago. During the time before we got married my husbands ex (mother of step son) tried everything to keep us from being together. She threaten suicide and kept him from seeing his son as some examples. She claimed she was still in love with him after she had split from him and wanted him back after she found out about me. Since there was so much friction my husband would ignore me often and stay with his mother on the weekends to sometimes see his son and do what his son's mother told him to do. I accepted it and dealt with it. I honestly felt like he was still in a relationship with her and not me. I cried plenty of days and dealt with a lot of deep depression as to where I was in love with him and hoped things would get better. My husband had a annual week and half family trip planned with his parents to go out of state to visit their family. I was not allowed to go because of step sons mother did not want me to go. I of course obeyed and stayed at home. My soon to be husband made me feel like everything would be fine when he came back and showed me more affection then what I was use to with him before he left. He told me I could text him and he'd text me whenever. I felt so happy even though I wasnt allowed to go because of the fact he made it appear as everything would be great! So I tried my best not to text him until around his step sons bedtime so I wouldnt interfere with them spending family time with his family members. Just to tell him goodnight, and that I loved him and his son.. Slowly he started to stop replying to me and what seemed like ignoring me. Whenever I would ask if he was ignoring me he would respond with "no" and then an excuse. I dealt with it like everything else I had up to this point and just bit my lip and thought back on how he acted before he left(which everything was fine)When he finally came back from out of state I was of course anxious to see him, I text and would get no response for hours so I would text again. It wasnt until I said that I was near his mothers house and wanted to see him that he responded. He told me he didnt know yet when he would be back home yet and to not come over because the step son's mother was there. I figured since they had gotten back that was why she was there and again dealt with it. It was about two days later and he completely ignored me, I lost it finally and blew his phone up with text messages and calls with nothing in response to it all. I had never felt so heartbroken and confused on what was going on, because right up til he stop completely responding to me he told me he loved me when I would tell him I loved him. Two days had passed and I finally was able to get him to respond by telling him he needed to come get his things from my house. He came over that night and with his sly charm we ended up making love and cuddling afterwards. You have to realize im in love with him, i am completely happy to have him. Well as were lying in bed talking about things his phone starts going off a few times and he finally grabs it and looks at it. Its his son's mother asking where he is and if he will bring her candy! He told me what she was saying and I asked him why!? He said shes just being difficult and im just going to ignore her. At the point she was "friendly" to me directly but otherwise vindictive behind my back. So then my phone went off about an hour later and I looked at it, it was her texting me to see if he was with me or if I knew where he was. I got a little upset with all the talk she had been saying about me and told her it was really none of her business if he was or not. She continued to be "sweet" and then I just got disgusted and told her to leave me alone and called her an ugly name since she didnt get the hint that I didnt want to talk to her from the beginning. Well crap hit the fan after that, she started dissing me and calling me names and threatening to burn my house down when I was asleep and slice my tires. Then my to be husband looks at me and tells me he slept with her the night he came back with his son from out of state. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and someone was stomping on my sternum. I felt so disgusted with myself for having anything to do with him and yet devastated. She made sure to rub that in my face that they had slept together and had intercourse more then once. She said she was horny and he was talking about needing extra cash so she offered him money if he would sleep with her. This happen the night he completely ignored me. she started texting him telling him he was never gonna see his son because of me and that if he ever wanted to see his son he had to leave my house right now and go back to his mothers. So with me in convulsions and crying my eyes out on the floor he leaves shortly after everything goes down.

I swallowed my pride and went on trying to keep a relationship with him. I tried to ignore what had happen and just thought about what is yet to come. It eventually morphed into him staying with me during the week and going to his mothers on the weekend to see his son. I was not allowed to be around him so I stayed at home on the weekends. Three months later his parents had another annual trip to FL they had planned. I had thought things were going better for us because he started inviting me to go out and do stuff with him and his son on some weekends. When the time came for his FL trip I found out that he asked his male friend to go with him instead of me. It really upset me so I ignored him the whole time he was gone and didnt bother to respond to him. Well he didnt like that and came back with a Uhaul and moved all of his stuff out after the trip with his friend. I didnt want that, I just wanted him to feel the pain I had dealt with before. I cried and dealt with him ignoring me for a month. He then started talkign to me but I was becoming more distant this time with him and it was killing him. He actually told me it was killing him that I wasnt responding to him right away etc. It made me feel a little enlighten to know that. So we ended up seeing each other a few times a week and then ended up staying again with me. Thats when the marriage thing struck me, I said to him why dont we get married? then nothing can be said about me being around your son and we wont have to be apart. I figured since he kept coming back to me that he did love me and I knew I loved him so it seemed like the perfect answer to our problems. Apparently over thanksgiving he spent time with his son's mother and went to her family's house and his while we were split to "keep her happy". After we were married(county clerk type) he wanted it to be kept quiet still until he could hire a lawyer to set visitations with his son. Which ment he kissed his son's mothers butt, although when christmas came she begged and begged him to come stay the night at her house on the couch so they could celebrate it together with their son. He told her no for the first time and I instantly felt like things were going to change now. When she found out we were back together (not married) she went ape crazy and stopped him from seeing his son for about two months. She then allowed my husbands mother to spend a day with him which she would meet up with my husband so he could see him. Then we got the lawyer and the court date. All she did was diss him and tell the mediator that he did not deserve to spend time with his son because he was irresponsible etc. They ended up splitting them up into different rooms. Finally it was brought down to three weekends a month and the rest of the parenting plan they would "decide" on later. The parenting plan has been sent back and fourth about 15 times over 6 months now and still havent reached an agreement. My husband wants the parenting plan to state that she can not have the opposite sex overnight that isnt married to her while she has their son and to have joint decisions on everything. She does not want that, so thats been tossed back and fourth.

My problem now is I am having a hard time bonding with the child, he is going on 3. I know before all of this drama I treated him with all my respect but now I feel like when I look at him I see his mother. Which he is a splitting image of her and I get disgusted. I dont want to be around him and the fact that my husband ignores anything that he does that is wrong really upsets me. If he starts crying while hes in my daughters room my husband automatically assumes she did something to him. My daughter (just turned 5) loves being around other children and has a very big heart but ive seen it before. He will deliberately grab things out of her hands or hit her to get what she has and she tries to calmly get her polly pocket doll for instance back and he freaks out and cries. My husband treats me daughter kind of meanish. Her father isnt in the picture because he doesnt want to be, so her step daddy is the only daddy she knows. My husband is usually always making her cry by being so strict with her. Whenever I try to say something he gets ill with me so I just try to comfort her after he goes about his business. Even after he is mean to her though she will say she loves him and show some affection to him if he allows it.

We are expecting our first baby together in about two months, I wanted to have a child with him after we were married. We are having a little girl, but where I cant seem to want to be around his son while hes here I asked if he would go to his mothers to see him. So he has been doing that and now im starting to feel depressed again and questioning if he is even going to help me with our baby when she does come. He seems to favor his son so much it makes me emotionally unstable. I asked him if he would change his visitations to twice a month instead of three times so I could spend time with him on the weekends (we both work mon-fri). He doesnt want to do that, so the days we have off to bond he is at his mothers. It wouldnt matter if he were here at home because I feel so annoyed when his son is around I lock myself up in a room and try to keep my daughter from being scolded by him. Another thing that bothers me A LOT is that him and his son's mother seem to be getting along quite well, to the point I feel suspicious about what is going on. I dont want to continue this way but with my past with him I cant help but feel that way. Its been causing a lot of distress and Im at the point where I feel like I need to get a divorce. I feel like ive reached my breaking point and that things are never going to change. For me to be happy is if I end this relationship with him. I cant see myself ever being happy, Im not sure if this is just my pregnancy hormones raging or if its an epiphany. All I know is im so angry and I feel like im trapped in a box and I finally want out. I thought about separation but then I felt like hed go back to doing what his son's mother tells him to when she finds out that were separated. She is best friends with his sister who lives with his parents. My husband tells me im being ridiculous that im blaming all of this on his son but its really a mixture of both him and his son. I cant stand how he treats the boy like a prince and is ill with my daughter 95% of the time and expects me to go along with it. The only thing I was doing was ignoring the child's presence I wasnt being mean or anything to him. Im just so upset and feel like nothing is going to come good of this for us.

It is creating tension between my husband and I. He says he wants us to be a family. He says he loves me, and I will always come first... but, I'm afraid he'll hate me for not liking his son...someday.

How can I get feelings for this boy? Especially when I don't want to after what his mother has done to me?

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Also I forgot to mention, here recently my husband does not tell me anything that is going on with his son and his mother. Like if they have came to an agreement on the parenting plan or if they are switching weekends etc! It drives me bonkers that I have to ask him what is going on to find out, I dont like to be constantly on him about what is going on. Ive told him that before and yet he continues to leave me out of everything and it upsets me but I just bottle it up.

    Bookmark   August 31, 2011 at 11:22PM
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Wow, that seems like a lot that is going on with you and your husband. One thing I can tell you to do, is to way your options, this is a marriage not just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, so some of the rules are a little different. If you feel as if your husband is committing adultary with you, then he has broken the covenant, and you have every right to divorce him, and walk away. Another thing is your never going to get him to change is feelings for his son, I have been married 3 months, and my husband treats his step son as if he is glass, or a "prince" as you say. My husband will also nitpick and find the negative and the issues she has, but he never finds the negative and issues in his son, but what I do, is chestise him, if I tell him no, he goes back and asks his father, and his father says yes, and at first I started just saying forget it, but I am his step mother and he has to respect me, and I had to explain to his father that I love him so much, therefore I would never tell his son to do something that is wrong, so now, I will tell him no, and explain to him that he is not the boss of me! And I even started chestising him for being disrespectful to his father, so his father continues to blow off stuff, but his son will respect me, rather he likes it or not. Now as far as your daughter is concernced you need to explain that to your husband how she feels, and how he is a little to strict with her, and make sure you tell him how you appreciate him helping you raise him but it would be helpful if he did this......(fill in the blanks). You can also try going to a marriage counselor, my husband and I did premarital counseling, and we also just visited with the Pastor that married us, and it helped my husband, (a little bit), even though I had been telling him the same thing the Pastor said, he was able to receive the information from the Pastor.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   August 31, 2011 at 11:58PM
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Why on earth would you want to marry a guy who is still so enmeshed with his ex? Not to mention his parents? And the whole "you're not allowed" business? He never actually grew up, and sorry - but you're emotion-driven reactions indicate that you haven't finished growing up either.

From what you've said, your marriage is unlikely to ever be a happy one. You might be able to drag it out for a few more years -- but why?...

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 10:48AM
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Oh gosh.

You had your daughter at 17? And were married at 21, and now are expecting your second child at 22?

Honey. Oh honey.

Your husband, if you can call him that, is playing house. You need to take a good, long hard look at how you want your life to be, and then start working toward making that happen.

Something tells me he's just not that in to you. There are so many kind, loving people in the world. He's not one of them.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 11:06AM
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I feel really sad for you because this is not a good situation...doesn't matter how you look at it. You are so young still. And now you are having his baby? Why, why, why? The issue you have with not liking his son is the least of your problems I think. Honestly, your DH is a real a**hole and you deserve better than that.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 11:26AM
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It still blows my mind how many young people have a child (or multiple kids) before getting all their "ducks in a row" in terms of relationship (whether marriage or not), career, living situation, etc.

I mean christ, I did ALL that stuff right (had my first kid at 33, career was going well, got the all the running around out of my system), and my life is a complete mess anyway - lol! Well, not a total mess, but nothing compared to what I thought it would be like. Divorced, juggling custody of the kids with ex, managing the relationship with my ex on a daily basis, which I have to for the kids, when in reality I'd just like to tell her to rot in hell and never see her again. Not to mention the issues with the relationships between my kids and both me and my ex's significant others....it's so not what I thought I would be doing...ugh!

I can only imagine the future a lot of these "kids having kids" face....gonna be way worse than anything I'm going thru for sure. My heart goes out to you, OP, but a good part of me says you got yourself into this mess by doing all this stuff way too young.....so now you have to pay the price.

Seriously, 99% of men (and I was one of them) have NO business doing the wife and kid thing in their teens and early 20's....in most cases, I would assume, it does not end well. I'm sure there are exceptions, but for the most part I think if a guy is 20 and wakes up one day and has a wife and kid, eventually he is gonna feel trapped and is gonna look around at all his friends hanging out, partying, dating, doing all the things a 20 year old should be doing, and is gonna probably act up in a way that is not good for the relationship. Sounds like what he is doing....not that he's not "into" you or anything....but he's not ready to be tied down, he still wants some of that freedom his friends have. I guess she should have thought about that before he started having kids with multiple women, though.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 11:54AM
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This sounds so much like my situation 5 years ago and if you were 25 years older I might think you were my ex husband's new wife.

Don't blame the kid and don't blame his mom. Blame your 'husband'.

My ex did this and in the end, his new wife won... She got him cause I was done with him. He would tell her that he was just trying to make me happy or keep me happy or that I was threatening him or that I was keeping him from seeing his child etc etc etc. Never true. He was getting his cake and eating it too.

It all sounds so familiar and honey, it doesn't change nor does it stop. HE is lying to you. HE slept with someone else. HE ignored your calls. HE ignored your texts. No one else did that or made those decisions. Unfortunately, what it sounds like is he is still too young to be settled down(my ex was 35 so age really does not always have to be a factor)

The hostility between you and your husband's ex will probably never end because you are fighting for the same man and neither one of you has realized yet that HE is NOT the last man on earth and that HE is not the answer to all of your dreams.

There is happiness out there. This is not happiness. You just need to realize that you can be happy and that you need to make the decision to be happy.

Being with a man that is still entangled with his ex(mother of his child) will never end well. He has moved on before completely that relationship.

You see... I moved on. I found happiness. I found a man that was available mentally, emotionally and physically. Not still 'entangled' with his ex and their child. (he doesn't have an ex or a child)
But MY ex is still with that same woman that is in your position and 5 years later they are no happier today than they were the first day they met. It's obvious that all of the lies and cheating and ignoring phone calls and texts, still haunts her or else she wouldnt have a problem allowing my ex to co parent with me about our daughter. He isn't even allowed to speak to me on the phone. She has to keep such a close eye on Him constantly and I can't imagine what kind of life that would be like. That you can't even trust your own man to visit family or to o to work or to go to the store because he might 'fall' and endin up sleeping with someone....

Think long and hard. You can get out of this and I am not a 'go get a divorce now' advocate but because I've been in a situation similiar and I see the misery that has followed these two for 5 long years, i can't think of any other solution for someone in your shoes.

I'm SO sorry. This sucks. But on the other hand, I still can't understand why you married him and why you have to keep it quiet?? And take it from the ex wife ... If he isn't telling you what is going on with the parenting plan and just discussing with you what is going on, there probably is more to the story.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 8:42PM
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