Divorce? Separation? Inputs please just not too harsh
I have known my husband since Jr High (were 22) we got married almost a year ago. During the time before we got married my husbands ex (mother of step son) tried everything to keep us from being together. She threaten suicide and kept him from seeing his son as some examples. She claimed she was still in love with him after she had split from him and wanted him back after she found out about me. Since there was so much friction my husband would ignore me often and stay with his mother on the weekends to sometimes see his son and do what his son's mother told him to do. I accepted it and dealt with it. I honestly felt like he was still in a relationship with her and not me. I cried plenty of days and dealt with a lot of deep depression as to where I was in love with him and hoped things would get better. My husband had a annual week and half family trip planned with his parents to go out of state to visit their family. I was not allowed to go because of step sons mother did not want me to go. I of course obeyed and stayed at home. My soon to be husband made me feel like everything would be fine when he came back and showed me more affection then what I was use to with him before he left. He told me I could text him and he'd text me whenever. I felt so happy even though I wasnt allowed to go because of the fact he made it appear as everything would be great! So I tried my best not to text him until around his step sons bedtime so I wouldnt interfere with them spending family time with his family members. Just to tell him goodnight, and that I loved him and his son.. Slowly he started to stop replying to me and what seemed like ignoring me. Whenever I would ask if he was ignoring me he would respond with "no" and then an excuse. I dealt with it like everything else I had up to this point and just bit my lip and thought back on how he acted before he left(which everything was fine)When he finally came back from out of state I was of course anxious to see him, I text and would get no response for hours so I would text again. It wasnt until I said that I was near his mothers house and wanted to see him that he responded. He told me he didnt know yet when he would be back home yet and to not come over because the step son's mother was there. I figured since they had gotten back that was why she was there and again dealt with it. It was about two days later and he completely ignored me, I lost it finally and blew his phone up with text messages and calls with nothing in response to it all. I had never felt so heartbroken and confused on what was going on, because right up til he stop completely responding to me he told me he loved me when I would tell him I loved him. Two days had passed and I finally was able to get him to respond by telling him he needed to come get his things from my house. He came over that night and with his sly charm we ended up making love and cuddling afterwards. You have to realize im in love with him, i am completely happy to have him. Well as were lying in bed talking about things his phone starts going off a few times and he finally grabs it and looks at it. Its his son's mother asking where he is and if he will bring her candy! He told me what she was saying and I asked him why!? He said shes just being difficult and im just going to ignore her. At the point she was "friendly" to me directly but otherwise vindictive behind my back. So then my phone went off about an hour later and I looked at it, it was her texting me to see if he was with me or if I knew where he was. I got a little upset with all the talk she had been saying about me and told her it was really none of her business if he was or not. She continued to be "sweet" and then I just got disgusted and told her to leave me alone and called her an ugly name since she didnt get the hint that I didnt want to talk to her from the beginning. Well crap hit the fan after that, she started dissing me and calling me names and threatening to burn my house down when I was asleep and slice my tires. Then my to be husband looks at me and tells me he slept with her the night he came back with his son from out of state. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and someone was stomping on my sternum. I felt so disgusted with myself for having anything to do with him and yet devastated. She made sure to rub that in my face that they had slept together and had intercourse more then once. She said she was horny and he was talking about needing extra cash so she offered him money if he would sleep with her. This happen the night he completely ignored me. she started texting him telling him he was never gonna see his son because of me and that if he ever wanted to see his son he had to leave my house right now and go back to his mothers. So with me in convulsions and crying my eyes out on the floor he leaves shortly after everything goes down.
I swallowed my pride and went on trying to keep a relationship with him. I tried to ignore what had happen and just thought about what is yet to come. It eventually morphed into him staying with me during the week and going to his mothers on the weekend to see his son. I was not allowed to be around him so I stayed at home on the weekends. Three months later his parents had another annual trip to FL they had planned. I had thought things were going better for us because he started inviting me to go out and do stuff with him and his son on some weekends. When the time came for his FL trip I found out that he asked his male friend to go with him instead of me. It really upset me so I ignored him the whole time he was gone and didnt bother to respond to him. Well he didnt like that and came back with a Uhaul and moved all of his stuff out after the trip with his friend. I didnt want that, I just wanted him to feel the pain I had dealt with before. I cried and dealt with him ignoring me for a month. He then started talkign to me but I was becoming more distant this time with him and it was killing him. He actually told me it was killing him that I wasnt responding to him right away etc. It made me feel a little enlighten to know that. So we ended up seeing each other a few times a week and then ended up staying again with me. Thats when the marriage thing struck me, I said to him why dont we get married? then nothing can be said about me being around your son and we wont have to be apart. I figured since he kept coming back to me that he did love me and I knew I loved him so it seemed like the perfect answer to our problems. Apparently over thanksgiving he spent time with his son's mother and went to her family's house and his while we were split to "keep her happy". After we were married(county clerk type) he wanted it to be kept quiet still until he could hire a lawyer to set visitations with his son. Which ment he kissed his son's mothers butt, although when christmas came she begged and begged him to come stay the night at her house on the couch so they could celebrate it together with their son. He told her no for the first time and I instantly felt like things were going to change now. When she found out we were back together (not married) she went ape crazy and stopped him from seeing his son for about two months. She then allowed my husbands mother to spend a day with him which she would meet up with my husband so he could see him. Then we got the lawyer and the court date. All she did was diss him and tell the mediator that he did not deserve to spend time with his son because he was irresponsible etc. They ended up splitting them up into different rooms. Finally it was brought down to three weekends a month and the rest of the parenting plan they would "decide" on later. The parenting plan has been sent back and fourth about 15 times over 6 months now and still havent reached an agreement. My husband wants the parenting plan to state that she can not have the opposite sex overnight that isnt married to her while she has their son and to have joint decisions on everything. She does not want that, so thats been tossed back and fourth.
My problem now is I am having a hard time bonding with the child, he is going on 3. I know before all of this drama I treated him with all my respect but now I feel like when I look at him I see his mother. Which he is a splitting image of her and I get disgusted. I dont want to be around him and the fact that my husband ignores anything that he does that is wrong really upsets me. If he starts crying while hes in my daughters room my husband automatically assumes she did something to him. My daughter (just turned 5) loves being around other children and has a very big heart but ive seen it before. He will deliberately grab things out of her hands or hit her to get what she has and she tries to calmly get her polly pocket doll for instance back and he freaks out and cries. My husband treats me daughter kind of meanish. Her father isnt in the picture because he doesnt want to be, so her step daddy is the only daddy she knows. My husband is usually always making her cry by being so strict with her. Whenever I try to say something he gets ill with me so I just try to comfort her after he goes about his business. Even after he is mean to her though she will say she loves him and show some affection to him if he allows it.
We are expecting our first baby together in about two months, I wanted to have a child with him after we were married. We are having a little girl, but where I cant seem to want to be around his son while hes here I asked if he would go to his mothers to see him. So he has been doing that and now im starting to feel depressed again and questioning if he is even going to help me with our baby when she does come. He seems to favor his son so much it makes me emotionally unstable. I asked him if he would change his visitations to twice a month instead of three times so I could spend time with him on the weekends (we both work mon-fri). He doesnt want to do that, so the days we have off to bond he is at his mothers. It wouldnt matter if he were here at home because I feel so annoyed when his son is around I lock myself up in a room and try to keep my daughter from being scolded by him. Another thing that bothers me A LOT is that him and his son's mother seem to be getting along quite well, to the point I feel suspicious about what is going on. I dont want to continue this way but with my past with him I cant help but feel that way. Its been causing a lot of distress and Im at the point where I feel like I need to get a divorce. I feel like ive reached my breaking point and that things are never going to change. For me to be happy is if I end this relationship with him. I cant see myself ever being happy, Im not sure if this is just my pregnancy hormones raging or if its an epiphany. All I know is im so angry and I feel like im trapped in a box and I finally want out. I thought about separation but then I felt like hed go back to doing what his son's mother tells him to when she finds out that were separated. She is best friends with his sister who lives with his parents. My husband tells me im being ridiculous that im blaming all of this on his son but its really a mixture of both him and his son. I cant stand how he treats the boy like a prince and is ill with my daughter 95% of the time and expects me to go along with it. The only thing I was doing was ignoring the child's presence I wasnt being mean or anything to him. Im just so upset and feel like nothing is going to come good of this for us.
It is creating tension between my husband and I. He says he wants us to be a family. He says he loves me, and I will always come first... but, I'm afraid he'll hate me for not liking his son...someday.
How can I get feelings for this boy? Especially when I don't want to after what his mother has done to me?