When should we tell BM about wedding?

stillhopefullAugust 8, 2009

I'm appreciative of the support and the advise that this Forum provides. This is the first time I've posted a question.

Unfortunaly - BM has never accepted my relationship with her ex-husband. The kids are so young, but are often often put in the middle. (SS is 5yrs old, and SD is 3yrs old). My son is 11. We've work hard in providing our children with a loving, stable home. We've come to the conclusion that we can only control what happens in our home, and we strive daily to show all our children how much we love them.

BM is unstable, and still holds a lot of anger. Last year we had to lay criminal charges due to her breaking into our home to try to take the kids (it was our weekend to have them). We were reluctant in pressing charges, but we also felt that it was important to set up boundaries. Her parents (just as unstable as BM) were with her, and her father was charged with assault, and her mother was charged with forcible entry.

Long story short - DH and I are getting married in three weeks. We've explained to the 5 yr old that we're engaged, but haven't told him that the wedding is coming up, due to the fear of BM reaction (example - with holding the kids from us that weekend, or even showing up at the ceremony). We're having an intimate ceremony with only 30 people, and our children will be involved in the wedding.

When is a good time to inform BM of the changes in SS and SD's life? We feel it's important that she hears it from DH and NOT the children.

Advise?

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mom2emall

Do not give her a chance to ruin your day! Don't bother telling her in advance about the wedding. She knows your engaged. She can find out your married after the fact.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2009 at 12:04AM
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pseudo_mom

I agree with mom2 do not tell her let her find out on her own... she will show up because she wants to see "her babies" all dressed up or some other bullsh!t excuse....

congrats!!

    Bookmark   August 9, 2009 at 9:31AM
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thermometer

Since you're already concerned that she will ruin things if you tell her before the wedding, I expect you are wondering when after the ceremony you should let her know. I don't know that you ever have to tell her, but maybe others will have a different opinion. To me, it isn't her business and since you let us know in your wording that you and their father already live together, then I don't know how tying the knot will bring changes to the children's lives. How would things change since you are already living there and have been there when they visit?

The children will likely tell her when they return home from the weekend with you. So, if he prefers she gets the news from him and not the children, then maybe he should tell her the day after the ceremony. If the children return home on Sunday and the wedding took place that Saturday, then tell her at the time of the exchange. That is, hoping the kids don't blurt it out in their own excitement.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2009 at 9:59AM
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imamommy

I would not tell her at the exchange, that's the last place I'd make that kind of announcement... she may need time to digest it and getting the news in front of the kids may be a bad thing, they don't need to see mom's reaction. I would call her the morning after the wedding and let her know, that way she has all day to react and think about it. She should also be told that regardless of how she feels, hopefully she won't make the kids feel bad if they are happy or excited about it. I don't think mom's that make their kids feel bad, do it on purpose... I think if they are reminded that the kids feelings should be put before their own, most mom's would bite their tongue, at least in front of their kids. Of course, there are moms that just don't care because they get wrapped up in their own feelings and can't see beyond themselves, like my SD's mom, but hopefully she's the exception to the rule.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2009 at 11:02AM
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lovehadley

I would most definitely not tell her prior to the wedding. don't take any chances that she will ruin your special day.

I do think she needs to know that you are married, I agree with Ima's suggestion. Tell her the morning after your wedding---give her time before she gets the kids back to adjust to the news. But also be prepared for the fact that it might be a long while, if ever, that she "adjusts." I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt that she will put her children ahead of her own feelings about the matter---BUT if she has already broken into your home, well, that doesn't bode well.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2009 at 11:21AM
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gerina

I have recent experience in this matter. DH and I were married eleven months ago. His two kids are in their early 20's and both live with us, so it's a bit different. DH and I never discussed it, but I personally didn't feel that it was any of his Ex's business. He apparently felt the same way because he didn't tell her. She has her "not so stable moments" and neither one of her kids wanted to tell her. My DH is still considered family by his former in-laws and he told them we were married. DH said they were really happy for him, but he said they also got a look of fear in their eyes because they knew it wasn't going to be good whenever their daughter got the info. They never mentioned it to their daughter. Her brothers, sister and even some of her other family members were told and everyone kept silent. She finally found out last month and she woke us in the middle of the night to let us know. From what I have overheard, she also took it out on her kids, but she would have anyway.

I think silence is the best way for you to go and even more because her parents are nutty too.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2009 at 4:07PM
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sweeby

In ordinary circumstances, I'd advise telling -- But your circumstances clearly aren't ordinary.

I'd even go so far as not telling the kids specifically until the weekend of so you don't put them into an awkward position of either telling or having to keep a secret. Be vague about the timing "It's a ways off still" and use some of their clothes that fit to buy their wedding outfits rather than shop with them.

And would it be possible to have someone keep an eye on BM during that time? Do you have any mutual friends who might be persuaded to invite BM to a movie? Out of town weekend?

    Bookmark   August 9, 2009 at 8:00PM
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finedreams

it is a proper thing to tell. but if she is crazy, then don't tell until the wedding is over. in case she wants to ruin it.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2009 at 9:17AM
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ashley1979

Sweeby said "I'd even go so far as not telling the kids specifically until the weekend of so you don't put them into an awkward position of either telling or having to keep a secret."

I totally agree. Because the kids will spill the beans, guaranteed. And to that end, I wouldn't feel the need to tell her at all about your marriage. Send the kids with her as you normally would and they will tell her. Then your DH can be prepared with whatever he needs to say to her when she calls ranting and raving.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2009 at 2:53PM
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sminnj

We didn't tell my DH's ex about the wedding until after we go back!!!

And her reaction just solidified our decision.

What goes on in our lives is none of her business. And like someone else already said.....you guys already live together. Not much is going to be changing in the kids lives. I can't tell you how many times SD has told us about "Mom's new boyfriend." She never tells us herself when she's dating someone and we don't want her to either.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 8:41PM
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