My husband doesn't love me anymore

wantingafamilyAugust 17, 2008

Hi all. My husband and I have been having problems for awhile now. I think it all started because of step-family issues. We have become so distant. I feel like my husband is more like a room mate than a husband. I have tried so hard to keep it together and to keep us together, but I just don't feel like trying anymore.

The weird part of it all is that the dust has finally settled with all of the step-family issues. My step-daughter is 18 and has moved out for now and hasn't cause major problems in almost a year. She comes and goes as she pleases to our house and everything seems fine. We are even planning a vacation together soon.

But...My husband won't talk to me, he doesn't kiss me unless he has to, and he never tells me he loves me. We use to laugh and joke around with each other, but that never happens anymore. He use to surprise me with little things to show me he love's me, but not now. We never go out together and we rarely have sex.

I feel like I have tried everything. I put cards in his wallet but he doesn't even acknowledge them. I go out of my way to do kind things for him and he is still so cold.

Friday was the last straw. We have this arrangement that every other Friday he gets to go out with his friends from work (they are all single by the way). Well he didn't come home until 10:00 and he didn't call, and when he got home he was totally plastered. This is not the first time something like this has happened. In fact it happens a lot on those Fridays.

It should be no big deal. He should be able to go out with friends, but the problem is he always gets plastered and when he gets plastered he flirts even more than he does when he is sober. This, in addition to the fact that he is drinking and driving home.

We've talked about the problem, but have gotten no where. He says I nag him and that he needs more freedom. I say he should of thought of that before he became a husband and a parent again. He just doesn't want to be tied down. He wants zero responsibilities.

The week days aren't much better. He is a good dad when he wants to be, but that isn't too often lately. He doesn't eat dinner with us and he spends most of his time downstairs away from everyone else on the computer. I feel like a single mom most of the time.

I know I deserve better. I am miserable. I don't know what to do. I asked him to go to counciling, but he refuses.

My plan is let him have the freedom he so much desires. I won't pretend to like it, but I will stay as long as I can take it. We have a 4 year old together. He needs both parents. I've been through one divorce and don't want to go through another one. But 14 more years is a long time to feel this miserable. 14 years is along time to go without my once best friend. I want my old husband back. The one I fell in love with. I just don't know what to do. Any advice to get me through? Thanks.

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I suspect he is having an affair.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2008 at 9:42PM
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And don't stay with your husband "for the sake of your child". That's condemning him to a childhood with unhappy parents and teaching him that marriage is miserable.
Use Sweeby's line to your husband. "I'm going to the counsellor on --------------. If you come, we'll talk about how to save our marriage. If you don't, I'll talk about if I want to save our marriage. Your choice."

    Bookmark   August 18, 2008 at 2:23AM
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affair or substance abuse or money issue or depression or other mental issue. or maybe all of it together. in a meanwhile go see you OB/GYN for STDs, protect your health first.

Sorry to say that it sounds like my XDH minus drinking, he does not drink but everything else pretty much. he just deep down didn't want to be married but had too much guilt to leave the marriage, so he created the kind of life for me that I didn't want to stayt one more day. and yes we had a child same age as yours at the time. One day i just packed his stuff and put it outside. he did get scared and tried to make ammends. it was too late. i didn't want to be married anymore and wanted my peace back. Funny that years after he all of a sudden forgot his ways and all he remebered was that I didn't want to be with him and broke the marriage. lol whatever.

the only difference here is that your DH is a grown man with 18 year old kid so he has to be at least in late 30s. This is not the age to run away from responsibilities. Not 19 anymore.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2008 at 8:15AM
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Honey, please look very strongly at this man. I too was in the same boat several years ago. Re married, step children both sides. I had a son, he a son. It was rocky from the get go but I stayed stong. I knew he loved me, but both children were artists at stirring things up. Mine was no angel as I found out later. That was where I believe he started drifting away. I went to others for advice and got the same thing. He's no good, he's having an affair. Bottom line, get rid of him. Well, I never had that chance. He died several months later. He never complained about illnesses. He did get dizzy and sometimes would pass out. In those days doctors dismissed it as he was drinking and smoking too much. Problem was he hardly drank but every now and then he would tie one on and never smoked. at the funeral his very close (single)friends paid their respects. One that I was also very close to I pulled aside and had to ask if he knew of my husband having an affair. In no uncertain terms he stated no way. He did like to look and flirt as you put it but while they were out all he talked about was me and the kids. But he also felt that he was not part of the family that I brought into the marriage. He said that I spent alot of my time treating my son like an adult while brushing my husband off to the side, My parents were domineering and like to controll things. My son ran to them if he looked sideways at him. Of course, I had to hear about it. He also stated that he thought my husband had been sick and in alot of pain for some time because he did see him go through changes. He would tell them about his pain but did not want to worry me. His joking around came less and less. His mind was always racing thouugh all kinds of things going on. They joked that it was my nagging causing this and wrote it off as such. While cleaning out his things i came upon some things. He was always trying to make things better for me and the kids. He was working more hours, taking odd jobs around town, he was pawning and selling some of his things that i knew at least he held dear at one time. This was all found through receipts and notes. He had planned a getaway with the family. It was all there in black and white. All this through what I found even later what must have been excruciating pain. I;m not going to bore you with more. I found notes and cards to me that he never gave me. They would go on and on about how much he loved me, his hapiness with me, his fears of the future. He had always had a hard time saying his thoughts. These letters were poetry. I do want you to get one thing out of my mistake. You know this man more than any of us do. At least I would hope. Take a good look into his soul. I knew what was in my husbands soul because that was why I married him faults and all. He loved God, his family, and his friends. Yes he drank every now and then and would overdo it the same as yours. He was a flirt and I knew it. He flirted with everyone young and old, pretty and not so pretty. That was part of his charm. Again, that was a reason why i married him. Everyone loved him. That church was packed. Now all I have are the lovely memories of him and the one nightmare that wakes me up often. I listened to others that did not know him the way I did. You get a second chance to look through your eyes and heart and not through others.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2008 at 12:37AM
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Wow, I can definately identify with some of the feelings you must be experiencing. The bottom line is, that you can not change anyone, they have to change themselves. All the threats, pleading and tears in the world sometimes don't mean a thing to anyone else, and won't bring the kind of change in him you need. But the fact that you had to go through it sure means a lot to you. If there is no communication, it's hard to find hope. Marriage needs crystal clear communication. Did you two get married in a church? I'm not a church-religious person, but maybe going back or to another church with counseling services would help strenghten your marriage. It's hard to say no I won't go for counseling when you put God and holy men in the mix.

Regardless of whether he decides to go with you or not, I think that you should find a good counselor, one who's words ring true, and find support for yourself. And if you get the support you need, you will be able to leave strong, and always know that you made the right decision if that's what you choose to do.
Best wishes for you.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2008 at 9:33AM
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My husband seems to have time for his Dad and Mom taking their advice
making decisions with them and not me his wife. If I suggest anything he is negative but if his Dad tells him the same thing I already said my husband agrees. And this is my house in my name.
Then his son moved in with us at 14 yes old and he stole my car and totaled it and I had not even made one payment and this was a car I never dreamed of owning 325I convertible. He has been in so much trouble and has destroyed about $10,000 to my home that had to be repaired.and he is court ordered to live in a group
Home and I will never let him in my home again.
My husband and I laughed went out we were happy.
Besides his parents now his 1st priority is his son who is almost 17 , they go out and my husband can't understand why I am sad. My husband talks to everyone but me and I just can't help but wonder if he is having an affair even though he is home before dark. We hardly ever have sex and he is lost weight, exercises, and I just don't know. I wish we were like we use to be. I use to feel so special.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2011 at 4:43AM
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Wanting a family:

Love needs to be nurtured and fed, and for many of us, we know love but we don't know HOW to nurture and sustain that love. Perhaps your H was like me, who took the wife and love for granted. for I did not know HOW. I learned the hard lesson of regrets after my wife passed away. I suggest you buy this book, $12, and for it shows a way that we need to show love in the language of love of our spouse and not ours. The book is called THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman.

Essentially, for love to last, each person must know the primary language of love of our respective spouse and we need to speak not our own love language but really their love language. For example, my late wife love language was quality time and my love language was act of service and physical touch. I thought I showed my love by making sure we had a comfortable home, but I did not take time to talk to my wife during or after dinner. Of course, because of that she did not feel LOVED.

I think you need to read that book first then see what are your primary language and guess what his is. Are both languages match or you each have to make the adjustment? .
The sit down with him one day, when he is in a good mood and share with him your feeling of unhappiness (I mean share or accuse and make him defensive). Ask him how he feels about the current status of your marriage? Is he feel LOVED, if yes, why and if not why?
Then share w him what you learn from the book and ask him to read it. If he is not willing to embark on the retooling of your marriage then you are OUT OF LUCK, the only way then is to let him know about the potential of a divorce. To some people, unless their back is against the wall they will not change.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2011 at 9:57AM
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Do not assume the worst. You aren't going to go through the rest of your life with someone with them being hopelessly in love and attentive to you the whole time. Cut the guy a break. Love is not a feeling, it is a commitment.

Give it time. Meanwhile fill your tank someplace else. Go out with girlfriends. Take a class. Pick up a hobby. Volunteer. Pray.

You are not a single mother. You have a partner that is helping with the bill, errands, and child care. Count your blessings. Maybe it is your misery that is driving him away. Try to find joy. Your husband cannot be responsible for all your happiness. That is too much burden to place on anyone.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2011 at 10:29PM
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Firstwife1, please start your own thread. People are responding to the original poster :-)

    Bookmark   March 21, 2011 at 8:29PM
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ha ha just realized how old this post is. she probably already divorced him...

    Bookmark   March 22, 2011 at 11:04AM
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read the book tough love by dr dobson dont let husband have his way tellhim what your expectations are in your marriage and dont give an inch something is wrong\

    Bookmark   August 11, 2011 at 2:57AM
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Often in alcoholic families it's hard to admit that alcoholism is the main source of conflict, which is what may be happening in your family. YOu can't help your husband is an alcoholic, but you can help yourself deal with it and develop boundaries and things that you are not willing to live with in order to keep yourself getting what you need emotionally in life.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 11:53AM
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I see so many things in your post, that resembaled my marriage with my ex hubby, he didn't drink much, but the last year or so fo our marriage, i was miserable cause i could not communicate with him, he just wouldn't talk, never wanted to do anything with me, he would fill all his free time playing sport, or if he was home he would sit on the computer 24/7, and we had 2 young children. I know now nearly 8 years daown the track, i was being very nieve, but even though i felt like we were more like brother and sister, and i had said this to him several times, and he didn't really respond, that should have been a sign for me, but i didn't want to believe my marriage was failing,we also hardly ever had sex, he would never kiss or cuddle me,, he was increadibly unhappy but wouldn't talk to me, until one day he just came out and told me he didn't love me anymore, even though I had felt it, it was very different hearing those words come out of my husbands mouth, i was shattered I asked him to go to counciling, he told me it would be a waste of time, even though i was very hurt for a long time, i realise in the long run he did me a favour, cause he wasn't happy and he was making me unhappy, we seperated when our 2 daughters were only 4 and15months, it was a bit hard for our oldest, but over time she was ok, they are now 9 and almost 12 and have a good relationship with their father. so while i hope things may work out for you, you can not make a marriage work single handedly, it just wont work if he's not prepared to put effort in to.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2013 at 7:23AM
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