My husband hates my kids...should I leave him

uceveAugust 12, 2009

My husband hates my kids, and they hate him back, which makes for a miserable home life. They do not speak to each other or have any interaction with each other. Because of the lack of communication in the home it is a very tense environment. A few years ago my husband called my daughter a very bad curse word (female dog), and she has never forgave him. Last year my oldest son graduated from high school, and was starting a community college in the fall, my husband wanted him out of the house immediately, without a care as to where he would live. As far as he was concerned he is grown and is it is time to go. My youngest son is very involved in sports and plays for an elite basketball team, which requires a lot of travel, time and money. Many games are held on Sundays and out of town. My husband has said that I must attend church on Sundays and that he will have to go with another parent or the coach. Because of all of the tension between my husband and children I am very unhappy. My children also tell my family what a horrible step father he is and so my family is mad at me and they say I am putting my husband before my children and that I should leave him. Please help, I am desperate for any advice on this mess.

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sweeby

You haven't given any information that supports staying, and haven't painted a pretty picture of your husband or your marriage.

Why should you stay?

    Bookmark   August 12, 2009 at 8:43PM
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colleenoz

My thoughts entirely. Why are you staying with this controlling a-----e? No one is happy, and I suspect that if your children were all out of the picture things would only get worse as you would then no longer have ANY support in your own home.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2009 at 10:42PM
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carol_in_california

Life is too short not to be happy.....even a little bit happy.
Sounds like something needs to change at your house.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2009 at 10:50PM
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finedreams

this post doesn't sound for real to me. doesn't make any sense.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 10:48AM
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mariealways

You shouldn't even need to ask. Parents, put your kids first. Please. It really is that simple.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 10:54AM
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wrychoice1

My husband hates my kids...should I leave him?

In a word, yes.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 4:50PM
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mom2emall

Well if you stay you will continue to be treated like sh** and controlled. You won't be allowed to see your son's sporting events. And you will have to watch each of your children being thrown out on their butts at 18. But up until they are thrown out they will be made miserable on a daily basis.

Sound fun? If so then by all means stay put!

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 8:05PM
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stargazzer

One question: How can you stay with him when you know he hates your kids? No make that 2 questions, why do you hesitate?

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 9:19PM
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kkny

Of course you should leave this guy. The good news is it sounds like you have family to help you transition. Yes leaving a marriage is scary, but one day at a time. This is worse than spousal abuse, this is abuse of children. And you know it.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 11:18PM
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uceve

I would like to thank everyone for the feedback. kkny is absolutely correct, I am scared of starting over again, as this is my 2nd marriage. I did leave him for about 3 months last year, he promised he make some changes and that if I moved back home we would go to marriage counseling. He refused to go to counseling unless I came back home. And, at first it seemed to be getting better, but then things started to take a turn for the worst again. He started complaining that I am always running my kids around, going to ball games, and not paying him enough attention. The change that would be most significant to me is to interact with kids, like going to the ball games with me, asking them how they are doing in school, and just being a positive male figure in their lives. I know they are not his biological children so he may never have strong connection with them, but to just have love and compasssion for them as you would for any other human being. Because it is so ironic, how outgoing he is at church and his work. He calls the elderly to check on them, prays with the pastor, laughs and talks with other members. I see that side of him and I think that's a really nice guy. But when we get home, he sits in his recliner in the family room and never talks to anyone else in the house except for me. The church frowns on divorce. But, I see no other alternative out of this situation. I have made a final decision, I am leaving. Thanks everyone for your advice it was very helpful to get the input of others. Sometimes when you are in the middle of a mess you cannot see clearly. Thanks again.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 10:35AM
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sylviatexas1

"He refused to go to counseling unless I came back home. And, at first it seemed to be getting better, but then things started to take a turn for the worst again."

That's the way these guys maintain control;;
once you've "come home", they don't *have* to do anything differnt, & every time you leave & come back, your support group, family, friends, etc, gets mroe discouraged & less apt to help you the next time it happens.

& they're Jekyll & Hydes;
the "outside" community, church, co-workers, neighbors, etc, always see them as charming, compassionate, etc, & their victims are the only ones who see the "Mr Hyde" personality.

They're so convincing that, if the victims complain or reach out for help, they often aren't believed.

Often they have trouble believing themselves, as you said when you wrote "I see that side of him and I think that's a really nice guy".

Keep it constantly in your mind that the "side" of him that's so appealing is *not real*.

It's a mask, a facade, a con.

It's the camouflage he uses to catch prey.

You're doing the exactly right thing.

Stay strong, stay firm in your resolution, protect yourself & take care of your kids, & if church members or anybody else try to take up for him, say, firmly, "He's a Jekyll & Hyde" & change the subject.

They can't believe you, & you'll weara yourself out trying to make them believe you.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 11:06AM
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shadowintheeast

I'm in a similar situation here. I need help.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2015 at 3:15AM
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colleenoz

If your situation is the same, the advice would be the same, hon. Make an exit plan, use it. Sooner rather than later. You won't look back and say, Gee, I wish I'd stayed and been miserable for longer.
Do you have family or friends you could go to as a temporary measure while you get resettled?

    Bookmark   March 5, 2015 at 3:37AM
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Naike Lan

I'm in the same situation my son is now 14, my partner of 5 years used to love my son, playing with him and so on, but lately he is saying my son is spoiled (my fault) and my son is not listening to us and he can't live in the same house with him anymore, so he asked me to send my son to live with his father or he will leave us..

The situation in the house is unbearable, my partner goes out of the room as soon as my son comes in and refuses to talk to him.

I have no support my parents died years ago, I don't have a lot of friends either to ask for help..

I don't want to choose between him and my son, I love them both but it hurts me the way he treats my son, even if it is true my son in the last few years has become selfish and arrogant..

What shall I do? Help please

    Bookmark   March 12, 2015 at 4:55PM
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colleenoz

Well if you agree that your son has become selfish and arrogant, you need to work on that. Loving a child doesn't mean letting them grow up to be jerks, it means teaching them to be successful adults, even if that means having to be the bad guy sometimes. You don't need to be your son's friend because he has plenty of those. But he only has one Mom; your job is to mentor him.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2015 at 3:58AM
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sylviatexas2
'my partner goes out of the room as soon as my son comes in and refuses to talk to him.'

I never lived with teens as an adult, but from what I've read here, it ain't always pretty.

so my thought is that you can expect attitude & brattiness from a teen.

However, no reasonable person needs to take attitude & brattiness from a partner which is what
"my partner goes out of the room as soon as my son comes in and refuses to talk to him" is.

Another thing that adolescents & children do is issue ultimatums, which a sane adult person will do *only if he's very sure that the threat will work*.

"send my son to live with his father *or he will leave us.* emphasis mine.

In any situation in which any human on the planet is being vindictive, hateful, or mean to your child, or is bullying or threatening your child, it's up to you to protect your child;

If that means that you'll no longer have this gem of a guy in your household, so be it.

If you can't bear to part with him, by all means knuckle under & send your son to his father (assuming his father is a decent human being who will take care of his son & protect him).

Then your husband will know he's in complete control, & your son will know where he rates in your life & in your heart.

I wish you the best.
    Bookmark   March 13, 2015 at 6:06AM
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colleenoz

Sylvia, I think you're wrong on this one. Naike Lan herself says " even if it is true my son in the last few years has become selfish and arrogant.." Perhaps the husband leaves the room as a way of avoiding open conflict. Men often prefer to avoid issues rather than deal with them. And it may be that he can't think of any way the issue will be resolved other than one or the other of himself and the son not be there. For all we know he may have asked Naike Lan to rein in her son's developing "selfish and arrogant" attitude with no result. So I think you are jumping the gun to rush in and demonise the stepdad: he may just be a good man who doesn't know how to deal with a bratty teen who isn't his to discipline and doesn't want to end up in a yelling match in his own home.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2015 at 6:24PM
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sylviatexas2
He threatened to leave unless his wife sends her son away.
"Selfish & arrogant" sounds like more than one person in this family.
    Bookmark   March 13, 2015 at 8:09PM
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colleenoz

As I said, he's a guy who can't think of any other solution than for either him or the son to be out of the situation. How do we know his words were along the lines of, "I can't take this any more. Either you will have to send Jimmy to live with his Dad or I will move out because I can't live in the same house with Jimmy. It's too hard to have to be continually biting my tongue to avoid having a big argument which has no result other than anger on both sides."

Face it, if it was a woman posting who said she was walking on eggshells to avoid a fight with her steps, you'd be telling her that the father of the children should be stepping up to tell them to behave, or she should leave.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2015 at 9:06PM
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sylviatexas2
yes, I would.

but if a father posted as you said & described his wife's behavior as "she can't live in the same house with him anymore, so she asked me to send my son to live with his father or she will leave us" or "my partner goes out of the room as soon as my son comes in and refuses to talk to him",
I'd say let her go.

The wording doesn't sound like husband is walking on eggshells...

I do know you're right about spoiled teen boys, though.
I was married to one once, although he was in his twenties at the time, & he never did grow out of adolescence.
He was still a spoiled, entitled mama's boy when I finally threw in the towel 6 years later!

If I misread, I apologize.

OP, maybe the best thing to do would be to get an objective outside view from someone in real life, maybe even the dreaded word "counsellor".

Be careful who you pick;
there are some power-mad jerks & passive-aggressive creeps in the counselling world.

You need someone with successful experience with teens & blended families.

I wish you the best.
    Bookmark   March 14, 2015 at 7:37AM
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