My husband hates my kids...should I leave him

uceveAugust 12, 2009

My husband hates my kids, and they hate him back, which makes for a miserable home life. They do not speak to each other or have any interaction with each other. Because of the lack of communication in the home it is a very tense environment. A few years ago my husband called my daughter a very bad curse word (female dog), and she has never forgave him. Last year my oldest son graduated from high school, and was starting a community college in the fall, my husband wanted him out of the house immediately, without a care as to where he would live. As far as he was concerned he is grown and is it is time to go. My youngest son is very involved in sports and plays for an elite basketball team, which requires a lot of travel, time and money. Many games are held on Sundays and out of town. My husband has said that I must attend church on Sundays and that he will have to go with another parent or the coach. Because of all of the tension between my husband and children I am very unhappy. My children also tell my family what a horrible step father he is and so my family is mad at me and they say I am putting my husband before my children and that I should leave him. Please help, I am desperate for any advice on this mess.

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sweeby

You haven't given any information that supports staying, and haven't painted a pretty picture of your husband or your marriage.

Why should you stay?

    Bookmark   August 12, 2009 at 8:43PM
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colleenoz

My thoughts entirely. Why are you staying with this controlling a-----e? No one is happy, and I suspect that if your children were all out of the picture things would only get worse as you would then no longer have ANY support in your own home.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2009 at 10:42PM
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carol_in_california

Life is too short not to be happy.....even a little bit happy.
Sounds like something needs to change at your house.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2009 at 10:50PM
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finedreams

this post doesn't sound for real to me. doesn't make any sense.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 10:48AM
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mariealways

You shouldn't even need to ask. Parents, put your kids first. Please. It really is that simple.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 10:54AM
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wrychoice1

My husband hates my kids...should I leave him?

In a word, yes.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 4:50PM
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mom2emall

Well if you stay you will continue to be treated like sh** and controlled. You won't be allowed to see your son's sporting events. And you will have to watch each of your children being thrown out on their butts at 18. But up until they are thrown out they will be made miserable on a daily basis.

Sound fun? If so then by all means stay put!

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 8:05PM
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stargazzer

One question: How can you stay with him when you know he hates your kids? No make that 2 questions, why do you hesitate?

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 9:19PM
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kkny

Of course you should leave this guy. The good news is it sounds like you have family to help you transition. Yes leaving a marriage is scary, but one day at a time. This is worse than spousal abuse, this is abuse of children. And you know it.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 11:18PM
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uceve

I would like to thank everyone for the feedback. kkny is absolutely correct, I am scared of starting over again, as this is my 2nd marriage. I did leave him for about 3 months last year, he promised he make some changes and that if I moved back home we would go to marriage counseling. He refused to go to counseling unless I came back home. And, at first it seemed to be getting better, but then things started to take a turn for the worst again. He started complaining that I am always running my kids around, going to ball games, and not paying him enough attention. The change that would be most significant to me is to interact with kids, like going to the ball games with me, asking them how they are doing in school, and just being a positive male figure in their lives. I know they are not his biological children so he may never have strong connection with them, but to just have love and compasssion for them as you would for any other human being. Because it is so ironic, how outgoing he is at church and his work. He calls the elderly to check on them, prays with the pastor, laughs and talks with other members. I see that side of him and I think that's a really nice guy. But when we get home, he sits in his recliner in the family room and never talks to anyone else in the house except for me. The church frowns on divorce. But, I see no other alternative out of this situation. I have made a final decision, I am leaving. Thanks everyone for your advice it was very helpful to get the input of others. Sometimes when you are in the middle of a mess you cannot see clearly. Thanks again.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 10:35AM
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sylviatexas1

"He refused to go to counseling unless I came back home. And, at first it seemed to be getting better, but then things started to take a turn for the worst again."

That's the way these guys maintain control;;
once you've "come home", they don't *have* to do anything differnt, & every time you leave & come back, your support group, family, friends, etc, gets mroe discouraged & less apt to help you the next time it happens.

& they're Jekyll & Hydes;
the "outside" community, church, co-workers, neighbors, etc, always see them as charming, compassionate, etc, & their victims are the only ones who see the "Mr Hyde" personality.

They're so convincing that, if the victims complain or reach out for help, they often aren't believed.

Often they have trouble believing themselves, as you said when you wrote "I see that side of him and I think that's a really nice guy".

Keep it constantly in your mind that the "side" of him that's so appealing is *not real*.

It's a mask, a facade, a con.

It's the camouflage he uses to catch prey.

You're doing the exactly right thing.

Stay strong, stay firm in your resolution, protect yourself & take care of your kids, & if church members or anybody else try to take up for him, say, firmly, "He's a Jekyll & Hyde" & change the subject.

They can't believe you, & you'll weara yourself out trying to make them believe you.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 11:06AM
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