Opinions please on my step family situation.

lewisladyAugust 10, 2014

A little background, I re-married almost five years ago, lost my late husband after 24 years of marriage ten years ago.
I am to all intents and purposes happy with my husband but not the situation I find myself in or the fact he is very much an enabler. I know I probably could be accused of knowing what I was letting myself in for, but I always assumed his two daughters somewhere along the line would meet a partner and move out.
One is now almost 31 and probably only done what amounts to eighteen months work in her entire life!! My husband refuses to tackle her over it or the fact she does not lift a finger to help out.
The other is nearly 26 does have a job but neither of them have a friend between them or a relationship. They are therefore here 24/7, I am now tired of feeling like the maid and desperate to have space and the house to ourselves. My husband would never entertain asking them about future plans and even if I said I was leaving it would make no difference. ( We have been down that route) I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel and despute not wanting to give up on my marriage I find myself looking at rental websites, but probably couldn't afford something decent.
I am interested to know others perspectives but think I am seriously flogging a dead horse!

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sylviatexas1

I think that you're the maid & that as long as you stay in that house, you're going to be the maid.

Find out what you can afford, & if you can't afford anything decent, investigate housing subsidies.

Here, you can get Section 8 assistance, & I think it's a federal program.

You might also check into house-sharing, maybe with an older person who's fairly independent but who would feel more secure with someone on site, apartment management where they give you a reduced rate for helping tenants, scheduling move-ins, exterminators, locksmiths, etc.

I'm sorry, & I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2014 at 6:13PM
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southernsummer

Lewis, I was in exactly the same situation.
When I married, my husband's sixteen year old son lived with him.
I found that their relationship was more like two bachelor roommates that father and son. It was a weird relationship. Years went by... Community college...etc... For five years.

Finally I made a calm ultimatum to my husband. He could choose his roommate, but this arrangement would end.

My husband enrolled SS in a four year college about four hours away.
It saved our marriage.

Not perfect, but happy and together after 16 years

    Bookmark   August 10, 2014 at 7:25PM
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emma

You mentioned leaving and he said it would not make any difference..........and you are staying with him? I surely misunderstood that.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2014 at 7:41PM
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southernsummer

Emma, that being said, both Lewis and DH are codependent.
I remember those days. Get some counselling, and do something about your situation.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2014 at 7:46PM
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colleenoz

"... even if I said I was leaving it would make no difference". So, leave. Clearly as Sylvia says, you have been relegated to "maid"- if you were a partner/spouse it _would_ make a difference. Why would you continue to be a maid for someone who doesn't care if you are there or not? IMO you don't have a marriage to give up on, more an unpaid job to quit.
If you must be a maid, go and be one for someone who will not only pay you but care that you are there.
Good luck, you deserve better than what you're currently getting.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2014 at 7:25AM
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southernsummer

Lewis, I believe there is hope here. I believe your husband may be just codependent and taking the path if least resistance. If you make plans to move out, and seriously take action, I believe he will make a move. If he doesn't, them you have your answer.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2014 at 9:59AM
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southernsummer

The other thing is that these two girls are "The Other Women" in your marriage. I have a SD like that who is a little bit TOO bonded and possessive of my husband, as though she were the wife, and I were the maid. It's pathological and weird, but it will go on if you don't put a stop to it.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2014 at 10:09AM
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sylviatexas1

'these two girls are "The Other Women" in your marriage.'

I once dated a guy who was proud to say that he had "fallen in love" with his daughter at her birth.

She was 17 or 18 when I knew them, &...
he was still in love with her.

My experience was that *I* was the 'other woman', the interloper.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2014 at 5:37PM
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southernsummer

Sylvia, that's a really good point. They always treated me like the one who had broken up their family, even though I arrived a decade later.

It's interesting that I automatically used past tense in my statement. I have disengaged with the steps, and it has really improved my state of mind.

Lewis, when you have had enough, you will do something about your situation and it will be better, one way or another. The present situation is unsustainable.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2014 at 6:54AM
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emma

I actually asked a step daughter who I had bonded with if her younger sister thought I had been the other woman and she said no, she knows what happened. She did treat me as an interloper, but then she was known to her parent's friends as a "brat", so I dismissed it as such. LOL

    Bookmark   August 14, 2014 at 4:28PM
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Mom-of-all-trades

Have you asked your husband about when he thought it would be reasonable for your SDs to move out? If he doesn't come up with a plan it is time to go. But I think you already know the answer to that.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2014 at 6:53PM
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lewislady

Thank you for all your replies and yes you are all right I need to make a decision for my own sanity. I think somewhere along the line he has a guilt complex about a few things, his divorce from their mother (which she initiated), his daughters inability to make friends, them never having had a boyfriend/ relationship or any social life. However I cannot be responsible or feel any empathy towards them I am still so sad it has come to this.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2014 at 11:33AM
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emma

I think men always feel guilty in a divorce even if it the divorce was not their choice. They may think their children will not love them if he doesn't give into their wants. With our combine family all 5 wanting money at least once a year it was about want not need. They would go shopping on pay day then couldn't pay their bills. It put me in a terrible position because he would say I need to talk it over with Emma first. You know who got the blame if he told them no.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2014 at 2:05PM
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