My Dad's Wife

myfampgAugust 7, 2011

Well HI All

I posted a hijacked post the other day about my 'SM' and it must be some sort of curse that I posted about her, then that she asked me to be her FB friend and now last night I got an email from her. I don't know if I am looking to vent or of I am asking for advice.

There really is nothing wrong with the woman except she is stepping on my territory at the moment. She is a 'peace maker', a fix it all, she 'wants' to be the 'glue' that keeps our family together, unfortunately, our family has never been together.

Without too much detail I try to explain and then tell you what she said in her email and then what I want to say back to her.

Mom and Dad divorced in 82 - they had been married for 13 years before. 3 kids. I'm the baby.

Dad has had three wives since. Never around.

SM 1 mentally and physically abused all three of us. He left her a few years after finding out about the abuse

SM2 was cool. Very young. 20 to my dad's 40. My sister was also 20. I was 11. We had fun together. Dad couldn't have any more kids, 5 was enough.. She cheated, got pg, he left. In between all these wives he always had some live in gf with lots of kids. Dad never paid child support, always ran from it, it was dismissed when I turned 18 because my mom never filed any motions to fight for it. (she didn't know the system)

I was raised by my stepdad. Dad was never around except when he had a new chick to show off.

Dad marriEd sm3 I think 11 years ago. Maybe 10 I can't remember. I wasn't there. I wasn't in a 'relationship' with dad at the time. I had not spoken to him in 4 years. He basically came to my graduation at made some joke about the child support that had just been 'dismissed' and I refused to ever speak to him again.

Then after he was married and my dd10 was about 1 1/2 I decided to try to 'fix' our relationship. It went ok for a few years but then his wife started acting all 'grandmotherish' and I didn't like it. She didn't help raise me, she didnt know anything except what my dad told her. Things he didn't know because he just wasn't around. For example: she swears my dad told her that I was a cheerleader in high school and college. I have told her a bazillion times, no I was on the dance team. She constantly argues 'now I know your dad told me you were a cheerleader' I say 'no (politely) I was on the dance team but close enough to call it the same ' she says 'no! I KNOW what I was told and he said cheerleader'. Come on! Does it really matter??!!! Obviously you are determined to either 1. Tell me I don't know what I did in my life or 2. You are determined to remind me that my dad doesn't know anything about me.

She has told me many times that my dad would have been there for us but my mom wouldn't let him. How does she know? Because he said so?

What part of, he was MIA do you not understand? She told me once that she doesn't believe my mom is over my dad. They have been divorced for 28 years, almost 29 and she has been remarried to my SD for 26/27 years. Gosh I hope she is over my dad right?

Why does this stuff matter?

Then I told y'all in a post the other day how I believe she 'inserts' herself.

Well, she is wanting to show off all of our kids as her grandkids. Her only son does not have children but also is not talking to her at the moment.

She isn't grandma to any of our children. My brother's kids have met her once and that was 2 years ago. Maybe my sister's son sees her as a grandma because he has been around her a lot more. My sister tries to keep a very strong relationship with our dad. She fails constantly at it but she is so determined, she just doesn't care. As faulty as she can be, she has such a big heart, especially for him and I believe that he is the reason for all of her mental/emotional issues. She was at that age (13) where girls are impressionable and need their dad. Well he left and never looked back and she started 'looking' for his replacement. She ended up of at 13. Did drugs, smoked, had lots of sex with MEN she didn't know, failed out of school, she barely graduated. But he is her 'hero' and she just Loves him so much. To me, he is a jerk, not deserving of any love from us since we were not deserving of his love for so long. I replaced him in my life with another man; my stepdad. And I just can't go back. I just have no interest. If my siblings want to, that's ok. I'm not going to judge them but I just have no interest.

So my dad's wife who I have not heard from in a year and a half emails me 'can't you just forgive us and move on for the grandchildren's sake, they have a right to know us and we have a right to be a part of their Lives'

I want to tell her first of all, you have no rights. Second I would love for my children to know their grandfather, why don't you tell him to pick up the phone and give them a call. :)

I also have not heard from my father in a year and a half... It doesn't surprise me but see now SHE wants to make it like it's my fault, like I am the one that isn't talking to them, when they are the ones that made jerks of themselves ... I haven't heard from my dad at all... And my brother and sister say the same thing. They hear from her via facebook or email but nothing from dad at all. If he wants to call us, won't he just pick up the phone and call? Why does it ALWAYS have to be us?

My sister has the same question: we can accept he is forgetful and that he can't remember our birthdays etc but why do we have to always be the ones to keep contact with him? Shouldn't it be a two way street? And shouldn't his wife just stay out of it?

Ok no need to answer that. I want her to stay out of it. I have no loyalty to her nor do I have feelings for her other than, she is my biodad's third wife; who knows if she is here to stay? This one still has not beat SM 2 or my mom's marriage to him in years... So she is still replaceable in my book. Although I have always thought that they actually do make a great couple and I don't want to see my dad divorced again.... I would like to see her get a job and stop making my dad work three jobs to support her... She is not retirement age but she has been 'retired' for 5 years now.... Weird. But that isn't really my business. Just shows character...

I don't know how or if I should even answer her. She also wrote my sister in law and my sister emails. To my sister was, we miss you come by soon. To my sister in law it was 'please send some recent pictures, we miss you and love you'. Remember, my brother's family has not seen them but ONCE in a two year period and never before that ....

It's so weird.

I want to email and ask if dad missed:forgot:overlooked my birthday.

But to me that sounds like a selfish little girl. But honestly, what parent forgets their child's birthday and then sends the spouse with a please don't be mad letter... Not that the bday was mentioned but I'm sure it's on the lIst of things he thinks he did wrong. He hasn't done anything 'wrong' except not contacting me.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm hot, tired, muddy and slightly witchy today as I've ran in and out making run for daylily divisions (why I thought I needed to have a cottage garden and plant hundreds of daylilies is currently beyond me...what was I thinking!)

So anyway, if something I say sounds a bit nasty/judgemental, please keep in mind I'm not in the mood to beat around bushes and be too nice.

You owe this lady nothing. You don't have to befriend her on FB, don't have to answer her emails and you don't need a 'grandma' for your kids. So no feeling guilty if you decide to blow her off.

Does your father even know the lady is contacting you? If so, what a coward, he can do his 'asking for forgiveness' himself. I too would resent some lady I barely knew trying to play fixer upper with something she has no business messing in. I'm sure she might mean well, perhaps she listens to him grumble about his kids ignoring him, never want anything to do with him, blah blah. We've heard it here before...the old 'how can a child treat their parent that way' (rolls eyes).

His life is what he's made of it. His relationship with his children are aslo what he's made of it. Sure he was young, stupid, feeling frisky and out sowing oats in his younger years. Far to 'busy' to remember he had kids, had responsibility, owed their mother CS blah blah. Sure, he's older now, getting tired and maybe wanting to mend bridges. He's finding as he's aged maybe he'd like a relationship (and grandkids) afterall. Well then if that's true he can pick up the phone and do his own mending. The last we heard when he tried to met with your brother was all he did was bad mouth your mom.

You don't need that. Whatever happened between mom and dad is mom and dad's problem. You will not discuss your mother with him. Period.

If he wants to seek an adult friendship with the lady he left behind and barely looked back at, it's up to you. You're not a little girl anymore and he's not your father (unless you count genetics). Do you want to be friends with this man? If you met him for the very first time today and he was not your biological father would he interest you as to being his friend? Would your children benefit from having this older man occassionaly in their life?

You don't need an instant daddy who wants to kiss and make up like nothing ever happened, but do you want a adult friendship with this man that could be slowly worked on and perhaps progress? no promises, no strings attached. Adult to adult.

Only you can decide this. The old saying 'you can never go home again', but you can go forth and work at a friendship if it is what you really want.

If he were willing to pick up the phone and make contact I would likely give him a chance to get to know me as an equal adult. If he's going to hide behind his busybody wife and try to lay a guilt trip on me, I'd pass.

My two cents.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2011 at 6:50PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

JMT-- maybe I should have started a garden. Lol

Thank you for everything you said.... I agree with you but saying it to myself doesn't help.

No, honestly, this is not someone I would want in my life or my children's lives if we just met on the street. If we were neighbors, ... Well that would never happen, our standards in housing are slightly different. Although, he seems to be moving up to nicer 'manufactured home parks' -- I actually think he lives in a nice place now... However, my biggest issue would be, he lies. He exaggerates the truth so much, he is so believable, no one has a clue how dishonest he is. Every fish story gets bigger and bigger each year. And it's not just the size of the fish... It's other things. Hard to explain but not someone I would want my children hearing 'when I was a kid' stories from.
You are right-- if he wanted a relationship with me, he Would call me himself. Here is what I think though. He is complaining about missing all of us and all of the mistakes he has made. She wants to 'surprise' him with a family reunion of some kind. Or wants him to feel so special because out of the blue all of his kids contacted him and love him oh so much. He probably has no clue she has emailed all of us and in her defense he will say 'she Loves you all too and misses you and just wants our family to heal, she has a good heart'.
I don't 'dispute' any of that except maybe the love thing. People throw that word around way too much. She can't possibly 'love' us she doesn't know us. And if she does love us, it's based on lies my father has told her about us because he doesn't know is either. He has three other kids that don't even live within 2,000 miles of us. He doesn't see them either. Not sure if he talks to them. I have no interest 'personally' building a relationship with any one from that family. Ironically, I do have a relationship with my uncle and aunt and two cousins and their families. One cousin has a child that goes to school with Dd and they are 'cousins'. We always do bdays and trick or treating together etc. Buy they don't have anything to do with my dad either and it stems from some childhood stuff with my uncle.
I was VERY close to my grandparents. My dad's dad died when I was 10 and his mom when I was 17. My mom always made sure I had a good relationship with my grandparents. Also 'ironic' my mom was super close to my grandma. So she tried to make sure we had a chance to know them because they were such awesome people. However my dad just fell off a different tree. (I look just like him, totally sucks).

    Bookmark   August 7, 2011 at 7:40PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I can actually relate to your mom having bonds and keeping contact with her ex MIL and family. Me too. My ex MIL and her daughters have been a part of my life for 38 yrs. Nope, no ex, just his family LOL.

Believe it or not, when I attended my ex FIL's funeral a handful of years ago, it was strange that my ex did not even know who I was. Here his family was all gathered around hugging and chatting with me...he's off to the side just watching. I think curiousity got the better of him. He came up by his mother (actually to eavesdrop I think)and I turned and said 'Hi exJMT' he looked at me totally blank. I said 'you don't have a clue who I am do you?' ...he answered finally 'I do now'. Must have been the voice. Course he had no seen me since like when I was a teenager. I aged well, he looked like crap.

Yes, my son has contact with that Gma and aunts. They all attend my mother's church and everybody gets along great, do the church events together blah blah. There is just no Mr Ex JMT. I was actually surprised to see him at his father's funeral as Ex MIL and the rest of them have been estranged from him for years (his choice when his parents refused to enable him any longer). To say my ex 'fell off a different tree' , yep, that about covers it.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2011 at 8:24PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

So it sounds like you have a deadbeat ex as well? I can't believe that he didn't recognize you!! Lol how embarrassing for him. Surely shows how 'involved' he is.

My mom says all the time how much she loved my grandma. She was just a super neat lady. I remember her telling me, I don't know where I went wrong with your daddy but I really did try.
My dad has a great career, he is retired from the deputy sheriff's office and works now as a warrant officer. Holds an outstanding professional resume but damn he sucks as a dad. I remember when he would pull up in his police car, I would get so excited. I always wanted my friends to see my daddy pull up in his work car... It wasn't about the car it was about 'look guys I DO have a real daddy!'.

(I was 2 when he left so I never really had him around)

**as a follow up about my brother, basically he listened to all this stuff and then he never heard from Dad again. He dished out all this stuff and then never picked up again when my brother would call. Then my brother got an ear full from my sister AND my sister in law on it and my brother kind of realized, dad isn't the knight in shining armour we all have been waiting years to meet... He is just a man with a lot of mistakes in his past and no real desire to take responsibility.
What is so weird is my brother and sister will call and leave him messages but then he says he never got them and then will turn around and say he called them multiple times and they honestly never had a missed call from him nor a message.
But he writes on their Facebook pages all this crap like, miss you -- call me some time etc.
When they call he never answers. I guess he is just 'not really ready'.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2011 at 11:09PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Deadbeat ex? No not really. We were just waaaaaay too young (both mid teens, head strong and wisdom weak and it was the early to mid 70s). I grew up, he did not. Our marriage lasted all of about an eye blink and I moved on. I had a child to raise who needed a mature responsible mother and he wanted no part in raising a chld, being a husband and he had all those teenage rebel things he still wanted to do. He's never had anything to do with my son which has been fine with both my son and I. We were far better off without him. My son (now 34) has met his biofather, desires no relationship with him and it's quite mutual.

All I know of my ex is what his mother has said to me. Ex went on to live a life of drugs and never did anything with his life. Kinda sad , but not my problem. I'm glad my son and I did not have to be a part of it.

It was a different time, a different generation. No one (courts or me) chased him down and required he step up. Likely exactly at that time was in my son's and my own best interest....the life ex went on to lead was not something either son nor I needed or deserved in our lifes. My son ended up with a great grandpa (my father) an occasional good grandpa (ex's father) and a wonderful daddy (my husband of 30 plus years).

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 6:52AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

myfampg, I am mad at your dad and I do not even know him. One day he'll regret his absence form kids life. But I don't see what SM is doing so wrong. I think SM just goes by what dad says, he probably tells her that you are the one refusing communication etc. I would take it up with him.

I don't think it is a big deal she is trying to have some communication (even stupidly). As you don't owe anything to her, she does not owe anything to you. You can just ignore her.

It is a shame your dad took himself out of equation, it is sad but I think she might be realy trying. She does not sound very bright to me btw.

I think you are angry at your dad (and justifiably so) but your anger is directed at her when really she has none to do with anything. If your dad does not want to work 3 jobs for her he would not. And if you never see or talk to him why would it bother you he works 3 jobs? How do you even know? I agree he is a jerk and it is painful to have such dad, but I don't see how what SM does is that evil.

To be honest with you I do act grandmotherish around SD's baby yet I have only known her for few years and certainly did not raise her. I don't see how it is bad. How does she suppose to act? My DD's SM acts "motherish" around DD and they are not that far in age. Isn't it just female instinct?

My DD's SM does not work either by the way. And ex works A LOT but I am pretty sure DD does not care and she actually is around them a lot.

Maybe you should write dad a letter and let him know how his absence hurts you and your grandkids. He needs to know.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 8:51AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"He's never had anything to do with my son"
justmeoo, I think not wanting to do anything with raising your own child is being a deadbeat parent, looks like you description fits definition very well. strange you are saying he is not deadbeat just because he was young or you did not chase him down or it was different tiem? sounds like an excuse for his deadbeat behavior. deadbeat is a deadbeat no matter what generation or age or your inaction.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 8:53AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

He's a creep now, PO1. But who cares. He was a decent teen when I dated him. He's never had another child so I have no idea what type of father he would be to one now. Back then he suddenly turned into a stranger that really was not something I would want around a child let alone a baby. While I was pg he went and found a whole new life, new friends and bad habits. Nothing a child or I needed (or wanted) any part of.

Sure, if you wanna call him a deadbeat, go ahead. Makes no difference to me. He was a young foolish teen who went on to be a druggie and lives in a house without electricity which belongs to his 20something yr older wife, does not work (last I knew)blah blah. I'm not so sure he's a typical 'deadbeat' as much as he lost his way in life. He was 18/19.

I could not care less what you think of any of it. It was a very mutual decision to cut off and I have never ever looked back. I had a child to raise, a career to build and a happy healthy home to create. I'm happy as hell he was never a part of our lives. I didn't want his support, I didn't need it and at the time no court gave a hoot. I'm sure if I so desired I could have gone after him if I pushed it and had so desired. I let it go because he didn't want us and we didn't need/want him. If you have to force someone to be a 'parent' do you really think that 'parent' is someone you'd really want in your life/your child's life?

He was well aware I had contact with his family, let his family be involved in son's life. I'm fracking glad as heck he wanted no part of family life and parenting because the guy's idea of life and mine were light years apart. He made his choice to go 'bad' and I'm thrilled he did not try and be a parent anyway. He's a 'deadbeat' child to his mother and own family I suppose too, if that's what you wanna call it. Ex MIL cut her strings to him also. As his sisters aunts, cousins blah blah. He just got in with the wrong crowd and neither his mother or me intended to enable it or be a part of it.

And yeah, to a point it was the generation. It was not until the last 20ish years and especially the last ten or so that my state gave a hoot whether a second parent was around and involved or not. For years and years my state was last in the nation to go after CS and/or try to involve an absent parent. Just a fact, PO1.

So you can judge him if you'd like. Makes no difference to me. But I can't say he's a 'deadbeat' for what happened in his teen years...he was an idiot for his choices and he's a crappy adult living a crappy life now, but I can't call him a 'deadbeat' when I deliberately and gleefully never ever hunted him down and tried to make him something he was never cut out for.

You get to live your life, I get to live mine. I provided a home, a stable life and a happy childhood for my child. I could not have cared less where ex was or what he was doing...I can't blame ex I never made a court choke being a parent outta him. I raised my son to be productive and to be a great father. It truly was in the best interest for myself and my son not to try and make things different.

You call him a 'deadbeat', I say say who cares he was never a parent. It's my particular case, PO1. You weren't there and you have no idea the whats and whys and I could not care less what YOU think of my ex.

In fact PO1, the only reason I never persued adoption with DH is because ex MIL asked me not to. My son is the last of their family's line (to carry the name ect and there is no other grandchild)...I let that part stay as it was important to my ex inlaws.

The ex? He does not exist in my or my son's life by mutgual choice. It's all been very mutual. Guess that's the difference between your opinion and mine.

He really was at one point a pretty good teen full of potenial and a bright future, he chose to not take that path. I'm happy as a lark no court stuck their nose in. If the guy wanted to take the wrong path and ruin his life, he sure as heck was not gonna take me and my son down with him. I was 17 , my child was well taken care of and loved and I had my own support money (remember I inherited and did not have to depend on ex, welfare, parents or anybody else to support child and I).

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 9:53AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Myfam, I understand completely. She should stay out of it. My SM does similar things "so, you are ___________" or "you were a __________" or "when you did ________" and I'm thinking... wait, were you there? Oh that's right you weren't. And my dad has a lousy memory so everything she says is just a little wrong.

I tell dad a story about a Yankee, he tells it to SM, the next thing you know she's talking to me about macaroni and feathers.

It took me a long time to realize that every time my dad was complaining to me about her not ____________ he was also complaining to her about my faults.

This doesn't usually happen in intact families. Ask my dad, he's just sharing with his two favorite women. Never mind that because of his actions (or in-actions) we hate one another.

My SM also tells me what's going on with my friends back at home, and has even befriended some of them. She's constantly telling me things about them and (I feel) fishing for me to reciprocate.


Justme, I think I understand what you are saying. Since you absolved your X of his parental responsibilities he's not a deadbeat, he was a sperm donor and you're ok with that. Deadbeat = having and shirking responsibility. Since you never gave him that responsibility, he's not a deadbeat- just a young teenager who had a kid and chose a different path.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 10:58AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You know that old advice about public speaking?

"Tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em.
Tell 'em.
Tell 'em what you've told 'em.
Sit down."

"I'm going to tell you once & for all to butt out.
Leave me alone.
I've told you to stop trying to push yourself into my life."
& do not engage in further conversation no matter what.

If you attempt to correct her impressions or reason with her, you'll just keep yourself on the hook, & nothing you say will make her believe any differently anyway.
(ie, "I wasn't a cheerleader" will just result in her insisting that you were.)

Disengagement is liberating.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 2:22PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

JMT I agree with what silver said. I understand what you mean by not being a deadbeat. He can't be a deadbeat if he never had the responsibility to be a dad. Absolving him is the best explanation. Sperm donor is another. You can't force someone to be a parent and it seems like all 'we' (meaning a lot of us here) ever do is complain that the other parent isn't doing their job. We can't force them to pay, the courts can try but at who's expense? Ours! So why force it. You can't. Very good points. My mom never forced us on our dad but he was ordered to pay child support. He never paid. He got away without paying. In the end, what did I get? A great childhood with another man.

PO1 I know about his work because my sister has told me AND it's not like I haven't EVER talked to him. It's only been a year and a half. Also bill collectors call my sister looking for him. My sister says he complains about working so much and she won't get a job. I DO care but on the other hand I am of the opinion that he allows it and does this to himself.

I guess you would have to know her PO1 to understand.

Apparently she was my dad's gf in junior high and all of a sudden when they met 11 or so years ago, the story is they stayed in touch all of these years. That would be a span of 38 years before they were married and 13 of those he was married to my mom, 10 to sm1, 11 to sm2 and a few years in between. My mom never knew she existed. She told us once that she used to drive by our house to see if she could catch a glimpse of her long lost Love's kids. They were 12 and 13 when they were boyfriend and girlfriend. So weird!!

I think she is really trying and is probably well intentioned but there is so much more I can't even explain on a post. She is borderline psycho if you ask me. One of my dad's other children that lives across the country called them out of the blue needing help. Dad wants to fix his mistakes so he said ok. They flew him and his boyfriend to town to live until they could get on their feet. I had never told my Dd about my half siblings because I don't know them. Didn't know the one was gay (I do not mind at all this is not a problem for me). The other one is 28 has been married three times and has 5 children. I know because my dad had told me. He jokes 'he is following in my footsteps'.
I didn't want to confuse my Dd until I could explain the situation. She was about 6 or 7. I asked them for some time before introducing my kids to my 'half'brother. They showed up two weeks later with halfbrother and boyfriend in tow... I felt it was disrespectful to me. I wasn't ready to start building a relationship with this guy and wasn't ready to introduce my kids to someone I havent seen since I was 8/9. Then the entire time, although I went with the flow, halfbrother and boyfriend fought and their favorite word is 'b!/$h' and they just threw it around like they were saying the word 'and'. My dad's wife says it's no big deal 'that's how 'they' are'. A bunch of drama queens. I said I didn't want my Dd thinking it was 1. Ok to treat a loved on that way 2. Hearing their fowl mouths 3. Thinking it's ok for society to refer to homosexual individuals as 'drama queens' and think it's funny. My dad's wife then tells me I am being a drama queen. Plus! She regifted my gift to her and gave it to my sister. I just don't like her.

And I don't want her contacting me to fix my dad's problems.
I have said before I don't have a problem with her that she is nice and is well meaning. I do believe that but when she tries to justify my dad's behavior by saying, 'well there are two sides to every story and you have only heard your mom's side' pisses me off. Also! She wasnt there so would she like to hear my mom's side? Like she says there are two sides to a story! AND she assumes my mom has said negative things about my dad. She never has. I begged my mom and stepdad to let me call my stepdad 'dad' and they always told me no because I have a dad and stepdad isn't trying to take his place. They both were respectful about my dad when I was growing up. So when I have asked my dad for his side of the story, he always tells me to ask my mom. He says he doesn't want to bad mouth my mom. But his wife wants me to hear my dad's version but dad won't tell me just refers me to my mom. So I just gave up. A few months ago, my brother went through this and my dad did tell my brother his version. Basically saying mom cheated. Well ... When my brother asked for further detail dad said while they were separated mom met someone but does dad forget the reason they were seperated was because dad got his girlfriend pregnant? What was mom to do, sit at home and mourn him? I dated while I was seperated. Mom didn't marry the guy she 'dated' or whatever she was doing with him. They were just having fun and I am willing to bet, being in her shoes and knowing how it feels, mom was just trying to keep herself busy so she wasn't sitting at home becoming depressed AND probably also wanted dad to see what he was missing. She also cut her hair, lost a lot of weight and got a good job. All to make herself feel better during an awful time. But mom's a 'who're' because of what she did and poor dad was just in misery. Probably in misery because his wife found out his girlfriend got pregnant.

I think I might be misdirecting my anger somewhat but she inserts herself in to trying to 'fix' the situation and trying to 1. Right the wrongs 2. Make sure everyone knows 'he wasn't the only one playing hide the salami 3. Make her friends and others on Facebook believe she has all these grandkids she doesn't even know.

At my wedding, she wouldn't allow my sister in law in 'their' family picture with my brother. My sister in law has been married to my brother for almost 16 years and has 3 kids. Dad's wife had not even been around for 1/2 a decade and she was telling sister in law 'this is family only' wtf?
This is MY wedding and MY photographer. You want a family portrait you go hire your own photographer.

Wew I'm going to eat a cupcake now.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 3:46PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Make it a big one!!

With the length of time they've known one another (even with the HUGE gap in the middle and the fact that they were just kids in the beginning) it seems like she feels like she's been there the whole time.


I wish I had advice for you. But all I've found that works for me is to keep as far away as possible, don't engage, and whatever I do, don't talk to dad about her or her to dad.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 4:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

--"I just don't like her."--

LOL. Enough said. There's your answer. Why invite someone you don't even like into your facebook circle to share in your personal page that you intended for your own personal enjoyment. You built a page to share with those you like and care about and share an interest with...she's not one of them. Don't you already have enough drama dealing with the people that you really have to deal with?

Does it have chocolate frosting?

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 5:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Or add her, but put her on complete lockdown. I've done that with a bunch of people. Just make a "nobody" group, add them to that. So they can't see any more than if they were a stranger.

I hope it's red velvet.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 5:44PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I personally don't think that fatherly responsibilities are assigned to a man by a baby's mother or a court. I think responsibility is there just because you are a father? I never thought it is mother's responsibility to make sure that the father is acting like one.

"I can't blame ex I never made a court choke being a parent outta him." So he is not to blame because you didn't make him to be a parent? That's just so starnge to me. How is it your or court's job to make him to be a parent?

these are rhetorical questions, don't have to answer, just really strange logic in my opinion

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 6:20PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

myfam, it is awful not knowing your brothers and sisters. If I had siblings I did not know about I would be devastated, i would be mad! Can you find them on your own and talk to them?

I don't think it is SM's business to discuss your mother or their marriage, completely loony. Gee, she did not let SIL be in the picture, family only? Yeah she sounds loony, but frankly your dad and her make a good couple.

I would not be her friend on FB, she can certainly communicate via email or call you, that's OK. But spying on you on FB, no thanks.

also to add I think it is unacceptable to complain to one's children about your spouse/partner, something really wrong about it, crossing boundaries. these are your kids, not romantic partners, it sends one's adult kids wrong message, somehting incestuous about it

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 6:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

What part of "I don't give a flying hoot' what you find strange or not PO1. The guy was suddenly running with a rough crowd, into drugs and doing other undesirable things...he was quite willing to totally sign off on any and all parental rights.

Is this the life and father you would desire for your child? Is this the guy YOU would have MADE take resposnbility? Sure I could have demanded he act like an adult (think it would have worked?) and spent years and years fighting in a court system to make him take some responsibility and blah blah because people who are doped outta there mind is always the perfect role model one wants in their child's life right? He did not want to be a father, he did not want a child. It was not a planned pregnancy. I should have never married him but he did not do these things while we dated. Yes courts could have likely ordered CS especially if I were down and out and needed state assistance (not sure my state pushed that back then like they do today). While they could not make him ACT fatherly, they could have made him take some financial responsibility. I did not need it. Did not want it. Would you want dirty drug money coming in to support your child?

--"So he is not to blame because you didn't make him to be a parent?" --.

Blame? I said I could not really call him a deadbeat. And just how the *ell should I have made somebody stop taking/selling drugs? Want anything to do with a child? I responded to Myfam that he was not really 'deadbeat'. He never meant to be a father, never wanted to be a father. *hit happens PO1, and then one cleans it up. He released all rights. He had no responsibilty to be a 'deadbeat' from or be 'blamed' for for not taking responsibility of, all legally signed sealed and delivered.

Here is a --"rhetorical question, don't have to answer, just really strange logic in my opinion"--

Do you consider all bioparents that decide to forego their birth children due to the inability to properly raise, care/love them yet desire a better safer more stable life for those children and place them up for adoption as someone to blame and/or as deadbeat people?

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 7:20PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It was chocolate with homemade (not by me of course) vanilla frosting with exactly 12 chocolate sprinkles. Then I had the strawberry one as well buy failed to count the sprinkles as I felt too stressed at the time.

I had two because the first one did not do the trick.

PO1 I have no desire to add to my stressful life by contacting my dad's other children. We were not raised together. Maybe it isn't their fault but their biological mother locked me and my brother in a closet for days during our visits to my dad's. I was 8 the last time I let her close and lock the door on me. So no thanks. I have no need for reuniting and reliving the horror I sustained while my dad was married to their mother. I'm sure she abused them as well but they did move away with her and have continued to stay in the same area as her so I bet there is some loyalty to her, she is their mother. I know where they are. My sister keeps in touch with them. My sister and I are so different. She is best friends to this day with a girl who stole her bike, pushed her in the street and beat her face in. That girl would be no where near my face after that attack but my sister is forgiving. The same reason she tolerates my dad's inability to commit to being her father for longer than a week after 40 yrs. What surprises me is that she was 13 when he left and so she was very effected by it but she just has this need to know all of her blood biological relatives. The same way that she is attached to antiques and old pictures. I honestly don't care for the junk. I have no attachment to blood ties - maybe because I am 100% effected by being raised and loved by people who are not blood related to me. I have an entire family of non blood related people through my stepdad. My sister is not close to them because she was older but I was still in diapers. I don't feel the need to go off and find all of my dad's offspring. I'm sure there are more out there. He is good at reproducing. I just feel no attachment to them. Maybe I am weird but I just feel nothing.
One half brother is dying. He has aids. He doesn't take care of himself. He prostetutes.. Why would I want to even say I'm related to someone that is possibly spreading a disease because he is ignorant and angry? I have NO desire. I dont care to know the other one either. The one time I did talk to him, he told me he remembered that I stole his toys. I was 5! He was still holding it against me. I had to steal something otherwise I was locked in a closet or not fed. I needed something to draw attention to myself!

I have overcome that abuse. It never really defined me. I never really had issues. I was a great kid. So was my brother. My brother went on to serve our country freely and proudly for the last 17 years. So proud of him! We both overcame it and although I know it wasn't their fault what happened, I just don't want to bring that back in to my life.

As far as my dad, I just don't know what I want right now. I considered writing him a letter and just calling it the end. No more contact. Move on. But the other part of me is scared I'll need his kidney one day. Actually that was a joke. I think putting it in writing makes it final. I don't want to hurt my dad. I don't want my words to burn into his eyeballs but I'm certain I just don't want a relationship with him. I just don't know if I want or need to tell him. I have nothing to get off my chest. I have told him all of the things I am sharing with you all, already. He knows it all and all he can do is say I'm sorry, again. I don't want him to say I am sorry. I know he is. I just have no interest. Do you think I'll change my mind as I get older? Not sure.

JMT for the record, I agree with you 100%. I already said that and I don't think you need my approval but I completely get what you are saying. A bio parent that gives their child up for adoption is no more a deadbeat than a man who gave up his rights for the same reasons. Just because you both didn't give your child up doesn't change the circumstances. Maybe it would be different to PO1 if you BOTH gave the child up for adoption. Then you are selfless and did what was best for the child. For some reason we as a society say that because MOM kept the baby then dad should have to keep the baby too. But you have opened my eyes to that just isn't how it is nor should it be. I would probably have been so much better off had my dad just walked away and never looked back. Instead he wanted to drag us around to each girlfriend/new wife he had where I sustained abuse and guess what... Dad wasn't home anyway. He was always at work.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 8:33PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

justmetoo, I think you completely misunderstood. You said you can't blame him because you never made him to be a parent. I don't think it was your job to make him to do anything. I don't think women or courts COULD or SHOULD make anyone to be a parent. I am not saying you had to do anything differently at all, you are not the one who bailed out. It was just a general comment about men/women who don't want to parent their children no matter what their excuses/reasons are: age, drugs, immaturity. I think these excuses are lame. But this is nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. Once again I don't think it is up to a woman to force anyone to do anything.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2011 at 12:42AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

This is horrible, to be honest if your dad allowed you being abused (locked???) he is not worth having relationship with. This is horrid. Him not calling for a year and a half is the least of the problems here. Gee...I'd be glad he is not calling.

"Why would I want to even say I'm related to someone that is possibly spreading a disease because he is ignorant and angry?"

I don't know the back story on the brother with AIDS (how sad) but why do you think he deliberately spreads it? Do you mean he works as a prostitute NOW when he is already ill and uses no protection? Or you just assume he might be spreading it? Why do you assume he is spreading a disease. You said he is dying, how the heck is he spreading HIV when he is dying? By doing what? I am involved with organization helping people with AIDS. Many decent people are HIV positive. One does not need to be ignorant or angry to contract HIV, it takes one time. I know someone who got it from her own husband. Unless you know that he deliberately spreads it by not telling his partners he is HIV positive why would you even say that.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2011 at 1:02AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have been told. The details do not matter. He is in liver failure according to my sister and something else... Can't remember. Something else is failing. Up until 2 months ago (sister knows everything) he was meeting men online and just up and moving to wherever to meet/be with them. His 'ex boyfriend' who lives with my DAD (so strange) is HIV positive, has contacted several men whom halfbrother has lived with since being diagnosed and they were not told. He is a very angry individual. Trust me when I say that. Very angry and hateful. He was diagnosed at whatever age, has never received treatment and is dying. Of course TODAY he is not doing anything as he is in hospice I believe but that is only the last two months. Before that he was prostituting over the I don't want to go in to that anymore. I don't care. Simply I do not want a relationship with them.

In dad's defense: he never knew about the closet until my brother told. He left his wife (sm1) and divorced her immediately. I still blame him for not being home but leaving us all weekend with his wife. We should have just been with our mom. This was way before right of first refusal and before cell phones. They didn't even have a house phone so mom never talked with us while we were gone or even knew where we were but that was how it was back then. Once my mom found out it was a few years before I was allowed to go back with him for a visit. My brother NEVER went back.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2011 at 1:21AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

what a mess, I am glad your dad at least divorced that horrible woman.

I hope your brother does not suffer....I find it unusual under the circumstances that brother's exBF lives with your dad (is he also already ill?), it does appear that your dad has a big heart? I do commend him for that. Many people do not even want to come close their HIV positive family members (ignorance). But it is strange that he is willing to help sick strangers but shuns his family. The whole story is sad. :(

    Bookmark   August 9, 2011 at 8:15AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

--" It was just a general comment about men/women who don't want to parent their children no matter what their excuses/reasons are: age, drugs, immaturity. I think these excuses are lame."--

I think, PO1, you've forgotten about my SS in all your midst of 'judging' my ex. SS's BM removed herself from SS immediately. That BM delivered SS for personal beliefs only and then walked away. I'm sure SS's BM would not have cared whether you thought she had a good reason or was using a 'lame' excuse. SS's BM made a personal decision for herself (carry child) and then a personal unselfish one after birth for the give him a better chance at a life she wished for the child she had brought into to world.

I suppose even though you seem to have issues with choices that were made regarding my son and my SS, that I can continue to feel totally blessed to have had these two boys in my life and to be their mother and my Dh their father. I can continue to feel fortunate that those bioparents made the right choices for their unwanted children and allowed myself and my DH to live our life in peace with our sons without all the drama that comes with making/expecting someone to be what was not what that bioparent desired.

Yep, my litle happy family unit goes marching right along even if some anonymous forum poster thinks the formation and beginnings of my family are lame.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2011 at 9:17AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Just to clarify PO1 -- my brother is my real brother. Raised together same mom and dad.
Halfbrother is my dad's fourth child from sm1.

I know that might have been a bit confusing but wanted to clarify. I do not consider my father's son to be my brother as I do not know him personally and only referred to him as half brother ad to recognize his role in my situation.

I'm still undecided but I think I'll give it a rest for a while. I think I brought up too much info and past and unpleasantries to last me a while. Now on to another cupcake.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2011 at 9:59AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


It's amazing what your parents will do for others isn't it?

When I got my divorce (for REALLY GOOD REASON) my dad didn't offer anything (well, he and his wife offered to adopt my daughter, lol). But my cousin is going through a divorce (good reason, but not as good as mine:) my dad has just been so SAD and wondering WHAT he can do to help, blah blah blah, which is BS because they're not even close uncle/niece. Not that I begrudge her any love from her uncle. It's just really irritating.

I can relate to what you are saying, so much detail, so much info, so much unpleasantness and it's nearly impossible for anyone to understand anyhow.


Justme, I think it's an amazing gift you've been given. Most people are not mature enough to realize they are not cut out to be parents. Your bio-parents did your children and you and DH a great service. What a blessing!

So many people use kids for their own reasons (to get back at a bf/gf, etc) and when a person is good enough to say, "you know, I don't want this kid. I know I made it, and I'll deliver it, but I don't want to be responsible for it"... well that's far better than sticking around to screw things up for the rest of the family. Of course, it's better to plan out births but we all know that's not always how it pans out.

Aren't you lucky to not have to deal with all the drama!

    Bookmark   August 9, 2011 at 10:55AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yes I understand myfam who you were talking about, I was referring to your half-brother as "brother". My DD has technically half-siblings and nobody ever uses "half-siblings", I got to a habit just calling them brothers/sister. I don't think he is not "real" because you do not share a mother or because you do not have a relationship due to your dad's craziness. It certainly is not yours or your brother's fault you do not know each other. That's a shame some parents treat their kids like that, why even have kids? My DD's best friend has much older sister somewhere and she has met her once in her life. How horrible.

OMG, silvers, dad offered to adopt your child? Like you were not capable to be a mother or were a teenage mom. OMG. How offensive!

Sad life stories that's for sure. :(

    Bookmark   August 9, 2011 at 12:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

So I wrote my dad's wife in response to her email. She had started commenting on posts on fb via my sister's page. My sister is one who will update every time she changes activities where I don't post at all for weeks.

It was like she had upped her attempt to insert herself into out conversations. Like my sister would post something and then I would comment then she would comment then sister would and I would back out of the conversation.

So I told her: I don't need to forgive and move on. I have forgiven every grudge I was holding. I have moved on meaning I chose to not be a part of my father's life. He isn't interested in my life or else he would have sent this email. He would have called before now. He would be making the attempts, not waiting for someone else to fix his mistake. I appreciate your position but to save you time and disappointment, I thought it best to just tell you to please stop. He made his decision and although I am of the opinion people can change their minds, he has been given multiple opportunities to right the wrongs and to partake in my life. That offer is expired for the umpteenth and final time. I have a dad, one who is always there for me and who has never let a day go by without communication. One who has never let me down and who chooses to be my constant and my rock and so I have no room for someone *choosing* when he is available and when he can remember to find the time. Furthermore, my children are not your grandchildren and do not know you or my father. I don't think it would be in their best interest to have people in and out of their lives. I told *him* when I gave him a chance a few years ago to right his wrongs that I would not allow in and out status in my children's lives. I stand by that and I still feel this way. Please do not contact me thru Facebook again.

And then I blocked her so that I don't have to see her posts anymore because she is still friends with my sister.... And I know she will still post on every update my sister has.

Wew gosh I feel good.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2011 at 9:18PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Post Partum Depression Because of Step-Grandmother?
I have a 5 year old boy and a 4 month old girl. I was...
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
end of rope
I thought I could do this. I have some good memories...
Can I handle becoming a stepmom one day?
I just turned 36 earlier this month. My boyfriend and...
how much child support do you pay?
Hi everyone. I have been a non-custodial stepmom for...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™