Not Sure Where This Fits in

byebyemindAugust 20, 2009

I was going to post this on the marriage forum but it does not seem like it gets much traffic. Since I am part of a stepfamily situation I felt that this forum was also well suited for my post. I have posted on here before with problems in dealing with our blended family. I have taken your advice and our family seemed to be finally blending well. For the last few months I have felt like our marriage is back on track and like everything is falling into place with the children and house rules and such. (we have been married almost 3 years and together a total of 5 years)

Anyways the problem I am now faced with is the internet. My dh has always been into looking at porn online and I really didn't care. It did not affect our bedroom life in any way and I figured everyone has a vice right? Well today my dh was expecting some important e-mail and would not have computer access all day at work because of maintenance on the computers or something. So he gave me his password and asked me to check throughout the day for it. Well I was not snooping and in his inbox I saw something that was disturbing. Right on the info line without even opening the e-mail it said something about his profile and password being ready for a sex and dating site!!!! So I clicked on the e-mail and used his login info from the e-mail to log in. What I saw was that my dh had made a profile. It had personal information, like his birthdate and sexual preferences. He put on there that he was interested in erotic conversations and possible discreet hook-ups (these were choices he checked not his own words).

I am so hurt. It shows he created this a week ago. He has not sent nor received any messages on there and he has not upgraded to a pay membership.

Now I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to confront him and tell him what this just did to my heart and my trust in him. Part of me wants to create a profile as well and attempt to converse with him and also check his profile on occasion since I have his log in info.

I never thought he would do something like create a profile on this type of sight. Now I am questioning if I do talk to him about it will he just create a new profile? Or use a different site without my knowledge?

I am upset and looking for any suggestions.

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nutbunch

So Sorry this happened to you.

Obviously it's an issue of trust, and this online dating add portrays him as untrustworthy.

Trust has to be earned and now that is shattered.

I would be freaking out. No matter what he says when you confront him (and yes I believe you should confront him), you don't create on online add just for fun. If a hot looking babe answered his add (or porn star) he would no doubt schedule that discreet hook-up.

I wouldn't spy on him using the logon and password, because what would that say about your relationship. Nothing more than spying and distrust carried over months years, or until he does the unthinkable and then what?

So I'd confront him. Tell him how hurt you are. Tell him to delete the profile and cancel the porn subscription. In fact I might remove the computer entirely. He should be contrite and agree to your terms. And realize that it takes a long time to build back trust. That his actions have shattered what trust there was.

Also you might ask him why, and if you two need counseling. You should be enough for him that he should pursue the possibility even in jest of meeting another.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 5:25PM
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sminnj

Could it be that he wanted to look at a site and it would only let him look once he signed up somewhere else and he created a profile just for that? Seems to me why would he give you access to his email if he thought for any reason there might be something he needed to hide in there?

Men can be dumb sometimes though. Sorry you are going through this. I have also found horrible evidence in an email so I know how you feel.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 8:18PM
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lovehadley

Oh wow. I am really sorry. :( I know I would feel the same as you.

I don't have a problem with porn persay (I think it's healthy/fine, as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life) BUT I totally would have a problem with the conversations and discreet hookups! No way. It's one thing to occasionally look at some pictures but to be possibly scheduling chats and even physical meetings....not cool!

I definitely think you need to confront him about what you saw, and tell him exactly how it makes you feel. I also agree that counseling might be needed.

There are all kinds of infidelity!

(((HUGS))) Please keep us posted.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 8:27PM
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deborah_ps

And just in case he thinks he's "getting" away with something...how would he feel if a future potential boss saw where he spends his "free" time? Or YOUR future potential boss?
As in everything he posts on the internet could be traced back to your household :(
That should be enough to "scare" him straight.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 11:21PM
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finedreams

openning profile on this type of site falls into cheating realm for me, doesn't matter if he opened it to be able to look or actually to hook up. I would confront him and go from there.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 1:23PM
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byebyemind

I had hoped to do a wait and see if he goes on the site again approach. But when he got home from work and I saw him all I could think about was that darn site. So I brought it up. Told him how hurt I was and how betrayed I felt and how I had lost trust in our relationship. Told him how disgusted I was. He first tried to act mad that I was coming at him accusing him of wanting to cheat. I freaked out on him and told him that he was not turning this on me.

Then he became apologetic and told me it was stupid. He was up late and a porn site led him to this site and he was just being nosey. Said he had no intention of hooking up and that everything he put on there was a click and choose thing just so he could see the site.

I told him that porn is one thing, but trying to see girls in our area who are willing to be mistresses is another. I told him I will not tolerate that and I would leave in a second if he ever cheated on me. There is no excuse for it and it sickens me to think I married such a horrible man.

So now he is on his best behavior. Got up early and cooked me and the kids eggs and bacon before he went to work. He also straightened up the house a little. I will see how long this change is going to last. Meanwhile I put a password on the home computer (he can't look at thosse kinds of things at work). He tried to go online last night and found that there is now a password. I told him that I put a password on the computer so he can find something else to occupy his time with at home.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 5:44PM
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lovehadley

"Said he had no intention of hooking up and that everything he put on there was a click and choose thing just so he could see the site"

I'm glad you talked---but this still bothers me. Were there other options he could have checked but didn't?

I hope he's telling the truth. Just be careful---don't let you guard down. I hate to sound so negative, really, I want to believe that it's all okay and maybe it totally is. I don't know your hubby.

Just be aware. :) It sounds like you already are, anyway.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 7:58PM
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serenity_now_2007

I pretty much agreed with everything said here... just will add one thing--

many men do indeed have the "double standard"... I guess many people in general do... He might not REALLY get how hurtful it was that he crossed that line from fantasy to potential reality unless/until you turn the tables. I don't mean you have to REALLY cheat on him... just an direct and perfectly fair question posed to him:

"Do you really think you'd be comfortable if the tables were turned, if I was the one setting up a hook-up profile? Really? Should we consider opening our marriage up so that we both have these little hook-ups occasionally on the side? Are you cool with that? Now that you've crossed a boundary by stepping one foot into the 'real', I'm asking about this realistically... Do you think that kind of arrangement will work well for our relationship? Or is it only okay for you to do it?"

I'm not judgmental of the .0007% of couples for whom such an arrangement actually works, that is, without one or more of the numerous parties becoming jealous, vindictive or homicidal. If it can work for you & your husband, you're definitely more evolved than most of us mere mortals. But you already know it's not going to work for you, and so does he. You & he also already know that it doesn't work for the vast majority of human beings. Still, it doesn't hurt to broach the subject with him in all seriousness, just to get him to think with the head that makes better long-term decisions and is familiar with "goose", "gander" and "golden rule" type concepts.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 11:51PM
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byebyemind

Serenity I already brought this up, well kind of. I did not approach the open marriage concept because your right when you say I would not agree with that.

I asked him how he would feel if I went and made a profile on this type of site. I pointed out that it is not hard for a girl to have a one night stand. I also pointed out how he felt when his ex cheated and left him. And I made it clear that if this happened again I would not be here after I found out. He would come home from work to find me gone and his kids would be sitting at daycare waiting for him. And I let him know that if he did cheat I would find out and would be at a divorce lawyers office. Cheating to me is unforgivable and I would never be able to forgive or forget.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2009 at 12:23AM
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