Hurt but motivated now....

mom2emallAugust 7, 2009

Me and DH got into an argument the other day about us and how his schedule is affecting us....blablabla. After I told him I was sick of his work schedule and it was changing him he told me that I am not the person he married either. That I used to be independant and secure and goal orientated!! I guess I started it though because I told him he has become lazy since on this schedule.

I was sooo hurt by this. Then I thought about it and over the last few years since he has been on afternoons I have become the primary care taker for all 4 kids and I have lost myself in it all. I stopped teaching full-time because I was overwhelmed with running a household almost by myself. I stopped going to the gym for lack of time. Now I have gained a bit of weight and really have lost a lot of the ambition I used to have.

So I recently filled out the FASFA forms and am trying to get into grad school for this school year....not sure if I will make it into fall sememster....but definately spring. I decided that I am going to take classes two evenings a week so I can earn my masters degree while I am not working full-time and actually have time to focus on school. One of those nights is my dh's regular day off work and the other night I have a relative who offered to babysit. (I don't want my 14 year old sd stuck at home babysitting instead of doing activities at school).

I also went and signed up for a gym membership today and signed up for a few personal training lessons to get myself back on track. I am going to start making myself a priority again! I feel so much better already! And my dh is excited about it all too :)

So I am not sure why I felt the need to type this. Maybe I am just trying to say to all of you ladies that we need to be reminded to take care of ourselves!! Sometimes the stress of the stepfamily can take away who we are and we focus so much on all the drama and trying to keep our lives normal that we forget who we were before it all began!

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You go girl. Take care of yourself first and you can take care of others. Its like on the airplanes when they tell you put your own mask on first.

Its incredible what jerks some men are. They want you to take care of the kids and the house -- and then think it doesnt take any time.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2009 at 7:43PM
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I was more hurt than angry with my dh. What he said was true, I have changed. But your right....I take care of the kids and house and that does take most of my time. But now I am going to take time for myself again!

    Bookmark   August 7, 2009 at 10:46PM
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Yes good for you. But don't forget that you didn't slack off; your priorities changed; that's different.

Independent: you still are, looking after 4 other human beings

Secure: that is a character trade that doesn't just disappear just because priorities shifted.

Goal orientated: I'd say you are achieving a few things by what you are doing and your DH should eat a bar of soap! (or however the expression is in English)

IMO you put your own needs aside and made all kids the priority. That is something to be applauded, not to be thrown back in your face.

Ok I had to get that of my chest. But I also think it's good that you have created a few things for yourself; like going to the gym. I've always made time for myself because I know I need it and I don't feel bad saying that I deserve it too!
For the past couple fo years I was studying full-time, working 30 hours in the early mornings and late evenings as well, and making a nice home for my SD's (5 days a fortnight) by cooking the nice meals, making time to play a game or read a book together, go for walks and bike rides etc.

I've got lots of energy, but I've also learned to make time for myself when I need it. My mom has taught me that actually. It just makes me a lot happier and I don't get run down. Life is too short and all that.
So you make some time for yourself, and if you don't feel like going to the gym but instead you just want to read a magazine or watch a soap and eat chocolates than that is ok too!!!

And don't fall into the supermom-trap!!! You have a busy life already and picking up a masters degree is not nothing. Please make sure that you keep your expectations of yourself realistic. I'm just a bit worried because you said you are hurt but motivated now, that seems like the wrong motivator (is that a word?). Were you happy with how things were going before DH said what he said? You can also get a masters in a couple of years time when the kids are older.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2009 at 11:07PM
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Good for you.

I don't know how you do it with 4 kids! I feel overwhelmed sometimes when it's just DD and SS! (although I think sometimes it would be easier if SS were with us issue is getting adjusted/readjusted to two kids, one kid, two kids, one kid, etc. I get used to having just DD for 5 days, and it's so simple, then SS is with us for 5 days and I have to adjust to a two-kid routine....then just as I get used to THAT, he's gone again and we start all over.)

I agree that men do not really seem to get how much it takes to run a household efficiently! HA. DD and I went on vacation last spring break for 10 days and I about FELL OVER when I got home---laundry everywhere, dishes piled in the sink, toys scattered throughout, food stuck on the stove, ewwwww....WOW. I told DH "it is not so easy, is it?"

Good luck with getting into school--I also agree, though, don't try to take on too much! Can you do any online courses? When I was finishing college, DD was under two, and I took a few classes online---Linguistics, Ed. Psych and one other, can't remember what. I lived 15-20 miles from campus and it made things a lot easier just be able to do some coursework from home.

Enjoy the gym, too! Working out is one of the best things you can do for your mental well-being. Don't forget to pamper yourself every now and then, too--get a massage, get your nails done, buy a new book or movie, go to dinner w/friends, etc.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2009 at 11:57AM
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of course you have changed, staying home with 4 kids, cooking and cleaning and washing. what did he think...I'd like to see him doing that.

and good for you. take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2009 at 9:50AM
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People change......that's what we do. Change is "normal". It's more "normal" than not changing.

His basis is way off. Maybe you have let yourself slide in the priority rankings. But that's what good mothers do! We put off things for ourselves so that our kids can have more of us.

And you're doing the right thing. Recognizing something constructive in his statement instead of just being angry.

But here's the have 1 kid.....he has 3. He started working a different shift and you graciously and without arguement picked up where he left off. How is it that he puts you in a position to be the primary caregiver for his 3 kids, but then dares to even bring up that you've changed? How could you avoid changing? You changed FOR HIM. You changed because he made a decision that has consequences.

My BIL moved my sister and neices out to CA for the Navy. One month after they got there, he decided he couldn't handle the job he was doing and changed jobs (without consulting my sister). He left them in CA while he went to FL for school. She was all alone with no one to help her with the kids. During that time, she had a severe uterean (sp?) infection that caused her kidneys to shut down and my little neice broke her arm. And those are just the big things. There were several smaller things that happened that made life tougher. Oh, and did I mention that our father had a massive heartattack and quadruple bypass surgery (no warnings or notices) while she was there and she couldn't get here? My mom stayed for about a month with her, but really there was nothing that could be done. She was stuck filling in and picking up the peices after the "man of the house" made a decision. But he had no problem griping at her about not answering the phone when he calls and blah, blah, blah. What gives him the right?

My point is......give yourself some credit for doing what needed to be done when it needed to be done. But don't excuse him because you found something constructive in his criticism. Go to school and hit the gym, but don't make your self-improvement make him "right" for critcizing you.

Ask yourself this......if something "came up" and it was YOU who had to be gone or change work schedules or whatever, could you trust him to "rise to the occasion" and get done what needed to be done?

My friend has a really wonderful husband. I always thought he was the closest to a perfect husband a woman could have. But two weekends ago I realized that he is a good husband because of the support his wife gives him. The weekend before, my friend was out of town due to some PTA training. That left him to take care of their DD (her DS is with his BF). That was the first time he had ever let her go do something while he stayed with the little one (he does it all the time). The next Friday was a lingerie shower for me. He threw a total fit and even told my DH how unfair it was that she was going. She had to leave the shower early because he couldn't control the 2 year old.

I don't think most guys can. There are a lot of them that will, but only with the support of a new wife or GF. Would your DH be able to have custody (by himself) without you being in the picture? Or would he have to live with his parents (or anyone else)? My X is a great father, but he has never lived on his own. EVER! He has always had his GF or parents to help him with DS.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2009 at 1:02PM
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My DH did have custody of his children for quite a while before I came along. But he also had his parents who lived down the street and were retired. They did help him out a lot and really loved having the kids around.

Could he do all this by himself...NOPE! My friends recently pointed that out to me. They also pointed out that before me the kids were either home with dad, at grandparents home, or at school. They did not get a chance to go to friends houses or be in activities because DH did not want to burden his parents and his schedule was always subject to change.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2009 at 11:14PM
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LOL...yes when you get a bunch of kids at home to take care of, run here etc. You do tend to lose yourself a bit huh?
That is really cool that you want to go back to school. I would love to also.
I have a Bachelors degree, and i did work in the beginning, but since I worked in the mental health field I was not seeing a distinct difference between work and home, and essentially quit working. just do my own thing now, making jewelry and being creative. try to anyway. It is hard to find time to do that as well with four kids in the house. Oh wait, we did have five for awhile there too lol. And six at one time when I took my aunts son in for a few months. It can get pretty crazy.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2009 at 6:59PM
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Well since this post I have been hitting the gym again. Also worked out with a personal trainer twice to get a new routine going. I also registered for school. On one of my hubbys regular nights off I will be at school working on my masters degree. So he will be the one doing it all at home.

And did I mention that I made sure to schedule on of the kids activities on that dh will also have to do some running around on top of making dinner and helping with homework!

I feel so much better because I am finally going to take some time for myself. And it will be interesting to see my dh having to do it all on his own one night a week. Maybe he will have more appreciation for what I do when he has to go at it alone.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 10:52PM
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mom2emall -- best of luck -- sounds like a great plan

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 6:03AM
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you can't "bring home the bacon & fry it up in the pan"?

It's a variation on a common theme-

I was once married to someone who whined & fussed & threw tantrums until I basically became *his* mommy, & then one day he looked at me & said, "Who do you think you are, *my mother*???"

& I knew a woman who went through what sounds *exactly* like what you just described.

She & her husband decided that she would stay at home until the youngest child was in school;
one day when they were arguing about who was supposed to do what or something, he turned up his nose & told her that she was just whining because their relationship had changed since he had "agreed" to "let" her stay home.

As he put it, "We used to need each other. Now you need me, but I don't need you."


& a friend once told me that men will run you nuts & then tell you that they just can't deal with you 'cause you're crazy!

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 3:15PM
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