Need advice!!!! New step mom

tessa135August 5, 2012

My boyfriend has two kids I love every much. They're from two different moms... The first child is a boy he is 6, he is a great kid, very smart. His mother is an addict and my boyfriend has full custody of his son, and we have decided to keep her out of his life since she kept seeing him then doesn't call him for months off and on, even forgot his birthday. His son doesn't even call her mom. He calls me mom, so it's not much of a problem. He also is recently divorced and has a second child. She's almost 3, she's very great with speech, follows her brother around, loves me as well, potty training as we speak. Her mom completely hates me and hasn't even gotten the time to know me. First day I met her she tried to hit my boyfriends car with her child in the car and said she was worried about who her daughter is around but not about her safety? Also they finally went through court and we have 50/50. So less problems, but the crazy mother is still doing her thing. I try to ignore it until she makes it my problem calling my boyfriend all the time. It's out of hand. How do I get her to stop thinking she's his problem still? She's 22. I'm 26 I feel it won't ever change but I need it to. We will argue because of her. It's just gone to far with her. Also my boyfriend treats his kids differently. His boy get into trouble and I give him the motherly he hasn't have. I love him to death. He has zero relationship with his dad. I hate it, It hurts me to see how different he treats his son then his daughter. He babies his daughter too much. I try to explain to him and we get in arguments because he's always sticking up for her when she's on trouble. I understand they're different in age and don't exactly get the same discipline but they do need to both be disciplined and they both need to be treated the same. He doesn't even look at his son the same way as his daughter it sorta sickens me. I don't know what to do. How do I change this? It's almost like he looks at his son and sees his mother which is no where near fair. Please help me.

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tessa135

He also thinks because she's a girl she doesn't get in trouble as much as him and that it's ok she's babied. When if he babies her she's always going to act like a baby, it's best to break it now then later or she's always going to be depending on him. He just yells at his son all the time.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 4:49PM
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colleenoz

Ooh, he sounds like a real prize. Whatever you do, I would strongly advise you NOT to have children of your own with this man until his parenting skills improve. Don't give him any more kids to mess up.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 10:08PM
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mkroopy

Uhmm, first you are not a step-mom, you're a girlfriend. Big, big difference. The fact that his son calls you mom is insane and a huge mistake. Not sure how long you've been together, but it cant be too long based on the age of the daughter. I you probably shouldn't even be involved in their lives at this point...but you've already muddied those waters.

You should stay out of the parenting, sure you can discuss it with him and all that, but it's not up to you to "change this" about him (with regards to his differing approaches with the two kids).

And yeah I agree with colleenoz....this guy's plate seems to be beyond full at the present time...more kids is not a good idea, until at least all this drama subsides.

Seriously though, you should not go around referring to yourself as a step-mom, you're not. You're their dad's girlfriend. People who are a lot older and wiser and have been through all this stuff (like a lot of us in this forum, but also kids teachers, friends parents, etc) will look at you with a raised eyebrow if you go around calling yourself a step-mom when you aren't one.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 9:40AM
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justmetoo

You're really setting yourself up for one heck of a crash, lady.

"We" decided son age 6 can't see his bio-mom? GF's of a short time don't make such 'we' decisions. Was the mother granted visitation rights in the custody case? If so "we" are in violation of court order. If not, "we" may be in for a reality check if bio-mom decides to pursue her rights in front of a court at sometime in the future.

--"I try to ignore it until she [recently divorced from Dad and bio-mom of daughter age 2] makes it my problem calling my boyfriend all the time. It's out of hand. How do I get her to stop thinking she's his problem still?

Now trying to ban contact of mother of the daughter who is still only 2. You mention in another posting on different forum (yes, OP copied/pasted the same from place to place) that your BF cheated on this little girl's bio-mom (likley a factor in the 'recent' divorce I'd assume)...and complain the girl's mother does not want to take the time to know you.

This guy is now on #3 of houseplaying partners (not to mention this time he's picked one bent on being 'mommy')and you all are what? Mid-twentysomethings?. The guy has issues in his parenting abilities for his two very youg children....yet here you come ready to 'fix' it all and live happily ever-after.

*shaking head*....good luck to these two children.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 10:49AM
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DFWmom

My advice....don't walk away. RUN AWAY. This has TRAIN WRECK written all over it. Is this what you want for your life? Your boyfriend doesn't seem to have his stuff together. Cheating (based on PP), parenting issues, drug addict bio mom 1, crazy bio mom 2. He seems to have made a string of bad choices and I'm sure he's thrilled to have found someone like you who is willing to be 'MOM'. Take a good look at what your getting yourself into.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 11:27AM
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sylviatexas1

good advice & insights from everyone;
read it,
read it again,
print it out & carry it in your purse & read it whenever you have a spare moment.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2012 at 5:33PM
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emma

I agree run, it's not ever going to change.

When I married into an extended family I thought it was rough, It was minor compared to some of the problems in this forum. Even though my problems in this situation were small, they never changed. They started before I married him and continued for 33 years.

And I don't think you should let them call you Mom. How many Mom's do you think they can loose and still be mentally well.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2012 at 9:30PM
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Mississippi888

I have been a stepmother for 25 years, the crap will never end. You are in a losing situation - GET OUT or you will asking yourself all these years later - why did I stay. Im making plans to move on. sign me - FED UP

    Bookmark   September 23, 2012 at 2:31AM
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