BF has newborn resulting from prior hook-up
I am 32 and have been dating my 30 y/o boyfriend for almost a year. He just told me that a paternity test confirmed he is the father of a 3-month old girl--the pregnancy was a result of a random hook-up about 2 weeks before we met so there is no 'ex-gf' relationship to speak of. This girl told him a few months after he and I started dating that he may be a dad, but didn't tell me this until the child was born and tested (he tried to talk her into not keeping it and offered to pay those costs, she decided otherwise). Our relationship grew strong over the year with me not knowing this, and he was planning to move in with me (currently he lives an hour away) when it was confirmed he was the dad. He struggled telling me about it and is stil too ashamed to tell most of his family. We both work professional jobs and no other kids. The child's mom has no college education though evidently has a fiance willing to 'step in' as the baby's father. My bf is ashamed to tell his family and his inclination is to stick his head in the sand, meaning either sign away his rights (which is hard to do in my state and the mom wouldnt likely agree), or quietly make support payments for 21 years and let the mom and her man raise the child. I don't think my bf can grasp this decision and may regret giving up a relationship with his daughter. He had to endure prolonged custody battles and moving around as a kid and knows how it can damage a child. Personally I can't see knowing I have a kid out there and not wanting to be a part of its life, but that's his decision. His primary concern is not losing me, so maybe that is clouding his choices. For my part, I'd recently ended a 5-yr marriage(no kids) when I met my bf. I hoped he and I would progress toward marriage and kids in the future (I'm 32, w/no desire to become pregnant after I hit 35 cuz of the risks). But now he'll have the financial burden of his 1st child, not to mention time committment of visitation if he chooses that route, and added stress, all detracting from "us" or any future kids we might have -- and I have no idea how to handle this. The child's mom is seeking support and he's terrified and confused. I am also... anyone been in a similar situation or have advice??