stepson from hell.....

end_of_my_ropeAugust 17, 2010

I have been with the most loving, caring, and thoughtful man for over 6 years... he has 3 children from a previous marriage, one of which still lives with us. He is the youngest of the 3 and the only boy, he is now 17 almost 18 years old. Through out the whole time I have been around we have always enrolled and encourage the children in cadets, music lessons, sports etc. I spent my days working full time making dinner, lunches, doing their laundry and running the children around to all the different activities as my husband always worked a little later than me. Then I get the BM try to tell me how to raise her kids although she would only contact them at Christmas and on their birthdays and that was it and never once offered to help pay for anything.... The SS drove the middle child (a SD now the age of 18 almost 19)out of the house about 2.5 years ago and she still to this day does not want to even come visit as long as he is around. The SS was supposed to graduate in June of this year but he chose not to apply himself. All through out his middle/high school years he was constantly in trouble with fights, tardiness, mouthing off the teachers(all of which could not wait till he was done school, we were asked several times by the school to transfer him because they had enough of his attitude), he was always getting suspended. This all did not come without any discipline, my husband would ground him, take away his priviledges, give him extra chores etc. All of which did not even phase him, he still would not listen or do his chores or homework etc. So when he found out that he was not going to graduate, he just quit going to school all together around the beginning of June. It is now the middle of August and he still has not got a job and just keeps freeloading and does not help to do a thing around the house. He is disrespectful to everyone around him. We were moving July 1st and he barely lifted a finger to help move, he basically only moved his couple of things that he owns (his bedroom) and always found excuses as to why he couldn't help. Keep in mind he is not going to school and he is not working....Several weeks ago his oldest sister came to visit and he kinda hung around and spent time with her but continued to be lazy and a slob... she finally said something to him, now he will hardly associate himself with her. She left to go spend some time with her BM for awhile, she was scheduled to come back last night and he new she was coming(she stays in his room, with her baby while she is there and he sleeps on an air bed in the living room)but he chose to go out with friends instead of being at home to visit with his sister that he only sees once a year.... So he comes home after midnight and decides he is going to start the loud electric air compresser to blow up his air bed with out any respect to the rest of the people in the apartment including a baby.... And when I got up for work this morning I woke him up and told him to get up, that if he is going to wake the whole house up after midnight then he should get up with the rest of us too....His response to me was that I should just stop b^$@*ing to him like I think I am his dad when I don't even know what the situation is, and to stop making his dad mad at him because then he has to explain what ACTUALLY happend.... I said it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that starting an air compressor after midight on a work night is disrespectful to the others around you.... Then he says it is my fault that thing are not running harmoniously in our house and for me to just stop!!!

I now I have been ranting, but this is just one of the small issues with him.... like I said he does not work and does not go to school and does not contribute anything to the apartment.... but he brings people in and out of the apartment all hours of the night, weekend or weeknights doesn't matter even though he knows that some of us work in the morning. There was one time I came out of my bedroom and there were 2 of his friends in the apartment and he wasn't even there, he had given them the keys to come in for something.... I did not even know who these people were, it was 10:30pm!! Let me tell you how startled I was, and then he tells me to quite over reacting and to relax!! Now his dad backs me up 100% and tries to reason with him but he just disrespects his dad in the same manner....There is just no getting thru to him, it is like trying to deal with a 9 year old.... my thought is that he needs to go live somewhere else, but at the same time he isn't quite 18(not for 2 more months) and I know we are responsible for him, but I don't know how much longer I can put up with him.... He just keeps getting worse and worse, and more spiteful..... even when his dad tries to discipline him he will come out and say, it is your responsibility to support me so you have to let me stay here and feed me and clothe me....

I am so at the end of my rope....

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You may have to allow him to live with you until he is 18, but you do not have to make things his way. Give him a curfew and lock the doors if he is late and don't let him in. Change the locks and don't give him the new key so he can't get in when he's late. And then he can't let strangers in. I'm sure he has clothing that fits so don't buy him any more. If his shoes are old too bad...he can get a job to buy a new pair. He is old enough to cook his own meals. And he doesn't need luxuries such as a cell phone or internet access. Put passwords on all computers in your home so he can't use them. He doesn't need to use your cars if he isn't working or going to school. And you and dh don't need to give him money for anything! Maybe with all these restrictions he will need to go get a job!

    Bookmark   August 17, 2010 at 6:02PM
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"He just keeps getting worse and worse, and more spiteful..... even when his dad tries to discipline him he will come out and say, it is your responsibility to support me so you have to let me stay here and feed me and clothe me...."

Yes, it is his dad's responsibility to do those things... and then he becomes legal age & then it's NOT! That day comes awfully fast, though it may feel like forever from your side. My younger son basically said the same thing to me.. he is now 21 and still living at home, though he goes to college & works now. He does that because I MADE HIM! He was told BY ME, that if he didn't go to school or work, he had to go find his way... I knew he wasn't ready, he knew he wasn't ready... but I had to say it & I had to MEAN it, which isn't always easy when you know they are not ready & you don't really want to put them out (as a parent). It's different when you are a stepparent & you don't have that parent/child bond, the child does not care what YOU think, and you really have no say in how the child is (or has been) raised. That's the tough part because my husband was more frustrated by the way my son acted & there isn't anything he could do about it. The parent has to be the one to lay down the law, and unfortunately, if the child has no respect for the parents because it has gone on for too long, then it's up to the parent to boot him... and that can be very difficult for some parents. That is usually why the kid is the way he/she is... because the parents have trouble being consistent with discipline or they feel guilty. There is no real answer or fix for the stepparent, other than put it all on the parent & find ways to stay busy/disengage/not be around when the kid is there. If the parent isn't going to parent, there is not much anyone can do.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2010 at 7:06PM
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Hello End...
I'm not a step parent, but one of my children was not motivated to continue his education either...I gave him a deadline to either get back into school or get a job. Because no one is allowed to retire at the age of 17 in our household.
The date rolls around and I find him packing his things... I know he thought I'd cave, possibly extend his deadline or ignore it. He stayed with a buddy and his mother for a month or so and then ended up sleeping in the forest for a month or so!! I had to keep my mouth shut. Can you imagine?
When I told my child he must move out, my mind played crazy games...I imagined him as a 5 year old pounding on the door telling me he was scared and hungry.
That was 15 yrs. ago. He is doing just fine, not a rocket scientist (but I'd already known that:)) yet he lives in his own place, works and is a productive kind human being.

You said "He just keeps getting worse and worse, and more spiteful..... even when his dad tries to discipline him he will come out and say, it is your responsibility to support me so you have to let me stay here and feed me and clothe me...."
Providing a SAFE place to rest his head is your ONLY responsibility. Years ago a friend asked me to attend a Tough Love seminar...eye opening to say the least! Many insightful suggestions, (although some too rigid for our style)but one that resonated was that as long as you provide an under aged child with an address (friend, shelter, family member) to go to, your legal obligations as a parent are fulfilled.
So, if rules are being broken, simply tack a note with the address of the safe house of your choice and lock the door.

We are NOT obligated to fulfill their every anticipated desire or whim. And I'm just as guilty as the last/next parent of my generation by spoiling our kids into this self absorbed mess some of them are in.

I'm not an advocate for the totality of Tough Love, because the authors were dealing with much, much more than an unmotivated child...but some of the ideas are interesting to say the least.

Here is a link that might be useful: Tough Love

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 4:18PM
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yeah i bet you can't wait to kick him out so your kids and your husband wont have to worry about him....freaking stepmom....i if ever was to divorce my wife, I will never have my son go through what i did with one you evil monsters

    Bookmark   August 21, 2010 at 11:37AM
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I can tell by your brief post, you aren't bitter or angry...

Are you going to blame all stepmoms or just yours for all your problems, including lumping together everyone with one thing in common (like being a stepmom)?

Well, on a positive note, it's nice to hear a man say he will do whatever it takes to protect his son from harm... and if you get motivation to be more committed to your marriage & it makes you determined to stay married, then maybe something good came from your bad experiences. Right?

    Bookmark   August 21, 2010 at 10:58PM
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