Manipulative ex-wife....

Tina_724August 12, 2011

My husband was married to a woman who cheated on him over 10 years ago. She has been living for the last 10 years with the man she had the affair with and has 2 children with that man. She has a daughter with my husband. She chose not to be in the relationship and she chose to have an affair. Her daughter (12 years old) prefers to be with us whenever she can. Her exact words are "she likes that we eat dinner together as a family and she likes that there is very little stress".

My husband is going away for a the week (fishing trip with the boys) and the ex-wife is already starting to "act up". I typically have no contac with her, but b/c I will be picking up my step daughter she now feels like she needs to communicate with me. By communicate I mean "pick fights", today's instance started with a text from me to my step daughter confirming pick up time for tis evening. I recieved a text back confirming the time and that was that. An hour or so later I get a text from the ex-wife advisnig that I should be communicating with her mother and not her daughter and that the pick up for the evening is not going to work. She basically said when you have it figured it let me know. after a series of texts we settled on the same place and same time as originally planned. It was liek she just needed to ruffle feathers and cause a stir b/c she knew my husband would be away. My blood pressure is thru the roof, I despise this woman and her miserable life! It makes me not want to have my step daughter around, even though I love her dearly and know this is not her fault. The communication for drop offs and pick ups have always been done this way and NOW it's a problem. I have recently lerned that the man the ex lives with is having an affair....tragically my 12 year old step daughter knows all about it (which is completely unnecessary). I can only believe that this miserable woman hates the fact her daughter wants to be with me when, even when her father is away and that is why she is being so horrible. That said, how do people deal with these wretched evil women???

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momof3_stepof1

10 years later I'm still trying to figure this out! Thank goodness we have custody but I too don't contact her. It's going to take a lot of patience. You only have 6 more years to go. That's my take on it right now... 8 more years. Can I make it... God I hope so.. good luck!

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 2:49PM
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parent_of_one

you wish it was over in 6-8 more years...SDs are adults yet we still deal with crazy BM, certainly not like those with minor children do, but STILL. There will be colleges, tuitions, graduations, moving, weddings, grandkids and all of these events will involve BM one way or the other. This will never end.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 2:58PM
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momof3_stepof1

UGH PO1... I had a moment of triumph... LMAO! Now I'll go cry a river.......

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 3:06PM
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Amber3902

Try not to let ex-wife's attitude get to you. It seems since you contacted the daughter and not her she felt like she wasn't in control and had to "show you" that she was boss. Although I do find it a little unusual that this is the norm - contacting a 12 year old to arrange pick up times instead of the mother, just my opinion though.

Why are you picking SD up if your husband is going to be out of town?

Even though it wasn't a problem in the past, since it is NOW a problem for BM, I suggest you let your husband handle pick ups and drop offs. And if hubby's not around then you either communicate with the mother or just don't pick up the SD for that weekend. I do have to say I think it's great that you get along so well with SD that she wants to be with you even if her dad isn't there.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 3:07PM
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justnotmartha

After 13 years I've found the only thing that really works for me is screaming into a pillow and margaritas. Lots of margaritas. :)

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 4:42PM
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myfampg

I agree with amber, communication should NEVER be with the child on pick up and drop off. Period. She is not the one driving to meet you or the one that makes the family schedule. If you don't have a set schedule your DH needs to make one with BM so confirmation communication is not necessary. Get it in writing for all Friday pick ups, it's 6pm at XX place. Period. And if you have to deviate from it, mom should be contacted by dad. Not SM. Not Bm contacting sm. If you don't have good communication which you obviously don't, then no need for the two of you to text/talk. She didn't have a child with you. Dh should handle before leaving with 'the boy's.'

Her affair wasn't necessary to tell your situation. I read it as a way to make us not like your dh's ex wife. But not relevant as to why she doesn't want you contacting her daughter to confirm a schedule.

Furthermore that poor girl, I hope she is in therapy. She will need it. Parents that put her in the middle.. And mom with another affair. Wow.

Agreed PO1. It will be the rest of your life. When he said until death do us part, he sealed the deal when having a child. It literally will end when one of the parents dies.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 5:05PM
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parent_of_one

Exactly...It could be certainly minimal as children are out of the house or it could even be a positive interactions. Unfortunately too often it is not. For us current issue is that SDs go to BM and come to us upset and complain about their mother and I am extremely uncomfortable and change the subject UGGHHH

"When he said until death do us part" True...I don't have to talk to ex that often anymore but I cannot say he is out of my life, plus we might have grand-kids one day...

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 6:24PM
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dotz_gw

Tina, I wouldnt deal with it..I d let the SD stay home, and have your DH tell her BM had a problem with it next week... I dont believe the death do you part thing either, kid or no kids...That ended with the divorce, and if BM makes communication about game playing and ruffling feathers, or worse, your only alternative may be to let the 12 yr old share plans with DH....My sanity(or DHs wasnt/isnt worth it)Co parenting, cooperative parenting is GREAT if BM works with, not against you...We ve been thru grads, a wedding , a grandchild, but we are destined to be a no communication family ...We had no choice, it was squarely BM who forced DH into it with crazy erratic behavior, but none of the kids have been committed to an institution yet..We have one angry one, but hopefully someday, he ll realize the part his mother played in the no contact rift...

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 8:58PM
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myfampg

Dotz it was a figure of speech. Obviously they are not married and don't have to talk and chat it up daily BUT the point is... The other parent isn't going to go away when said kid hits 18. No. Communication will be different but people are fooling themselves if they think it ends at 18.

Speaking as an adult child of divorce, it seems to have gotten worse after 18. My parents annoyance and absolute refusal to be kind to each other ruined my high school graduation as well as my wedding reception. Do you think kids of divorce should have to have two weddings in order to keep their immature parents away from each other?

I'm not saying that this sm is at any fault whatsoever. Her Dh and the BM are. They are putting sm and child in the middle. But to say it gets better after 18 is foolish and misleading. That's all Po1 and I were saying.

The communication will be different and probably non existent but parents of a girl tend to have these issues especially when she gets married because it's the bride's family that is more involved. Daddy walking daughter down the aisle but mom sitting in the front row and then there is Sm that has been a constant for the child, where does she sit? And how do they deal with splitting cost? Mom is going to pay for XYZ and dad will pay ABC but then again, adult child is in the middle dealing with parents who refuse to communicate about the financing of her big day because they were under the impression that all communication ended at 18.

Here is another scenario that I lived through:
Daughter goes in to labor. Mom and dad are both very much a part of her life, separately. Mom is going to be in the delivery room because daughter can't imagine going through it without her. Daughter also wants her dad to be in the waiting room, along with sm waiting to hear that their first grandchild has arrived. What is daughter to do? Her parents can't stand each other. She can't imagine leaving one or the other out but she can't stand the thought of her parents having a run in with each other. The answer is unclear. There is no answer. She can tell both of her parents that they better not act up or they are both out but why should she tell two people twice her age how to be acting? Daughter is in the middle: again.

New baby has his first birthday party. Daughter so desperately wants a huge party with all family and friends. It's such a big occasion. She can't decide which parent to exclude because they are both equally important to her. So does she have two first birthday parties? Does she only invite 1/2 of her friends to one party so the other party will be just as big?

This has been my sisters life for the last 20 years. I choose not to play in to the immaturity of my parents. My dad isn't a part of my life like my sisters but she so desperately wants both of her parents there for everything. What misery she deals with.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2011 at 9:01PM
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dotz_gw

I agree its miserable for the adult kids of non communicating parents , myfam.....Have been thru all the above scenarios, wedding, grads, baby/delivery room fiasco....SS s are both over 21 now, DH has not spoken a word to Ex in I d say 9 years...The problem is ugly scenes would be caused by Ex,DH and I want no part of that..No event could be peaceful..DH recently was invited to a bithday for SS s kid, he went in advance with a gift,and visit with bday kid, no way could he be in the same room with Ex...SS I m sure wishes for evryone to be together, but it aint happenin...I dont blame DH, he could go and be quiet, but SHE cant...He chooses not to deal with it, and I dont blame him...I dont make the rules, if DH tells me he wants me at say a Grad, we go sit elsewhere and let the Grad know we were there for them and steer clear of ex...DH paid 4,000.00 for a pre wedding party, I arranged the tables for her to sit in front, we sat all the way in the back of the room, she and SS were still snarling at ME about cocktails they didnt get, or some nonsense, they couldnt find a problem, so they manufactured one...Probably is harder with a female child....But this whole family in the delivery room/hospital is something foreign to me...My parents never went to the hospital for my kid or nieces and nephews..But now its a bone of contention with divorced families, who gets to be there? I wonder if other posters have experience with this? When did baby delivery become a family event...Was not the case years ago...

    Bookmark   August 15, 2011 at 1:00PM
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myfampg

I think it is an event now. My mom was in the delivery room with both of my kids. She was the one taking the pictures while Dh (ex and current) supported me. My stepdad was in the waiting room for both deliveries. My mom and sil's mom flew to Hawaii to be there for my brother's last baby.
I guess it depends on the family and how close you are to them.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2011 at 1:50PM
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