boyfriends teenage daughter

sweethrttttAugust 27, 2009

I am so glad to have found this sight..and to know that I am not alone in my struggles with dealing with my emotions regarding my boyfriends bf and IO have been together for one year. I knew from the beginning that he had a 16 year old daughter that he did not have contact with. In some sick way, this was ok with me, as I thought it would not take from myself or my two children and the opportunity at having my "dream family" although i am divorced, my kids father is rarely in the picture. About 4 months into our relationship, my bf finds his daughter and begins a relationship with her. This relationship has consisted of once monthly visits to visit her in her state and shopping shopping shopping...he buys her everything she salon trips, nails, clothes name it. he has even purchased her 2 cell phones in this short time and pays the monthly bill. I have a serious issue with this as the amount of money he spends on her requires him to work overtime, taking from our family at home. not to mention he has absolutely no discipline with this girl ie. on the very phone he pays for he found nude pictures of herself...i asked him if he was goping to approach the topic with her..he doesnt feel he has the right..what?? he pays this bill..she is 16..this is inappropriate..also he is so quick to discipline my two children for the smallest of things..but not his own daughter...we will take her to a nice meal and she will sit and text message her friends the entire time..not only is this unacceptable in our home, but i dont understand why he says nothing to her infact he will ask her what shes talking about...what? she cancels any arrangements we have made that are not convenient for her, but always has her hand out for a shopping trip..she was sopposed to come to our house for fathers day to surprise her dad..she backed out at the last minute but said that we could come to her state and take her to disneyland..i politely told her that was not in my budget and that was not what the invitation was for..3 days later she tells her dad she "needs" an i pod...lots of situations like this..list goes on and on..we finally had a blow up and i told him that if he wants to practice disciplining and parenting to practice with his own kid and lay off mine because the difference in treatment makes me sick and i wont subject my kids to it..i told him his efforts with my children were becoming resented and not appreciated because he is so different with his own daughter..she is 17, has no job..he sends her money for makeup! isnt she old enough to buy her own makeup? at 17 shouldnt she have some responsibility for herself? he has informed me that he doesnt feel he has the place to parent and that he was quite happy just getting to know her...i am rambling i know..HELP...are we doomed? am i crazy?? how do i handle this? i told him i wouldnt subject my kids to the difference in treatment because they will se it and they will resent me for it and im not having so lost...seems my perfect dream is not so perfect afterall...

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I don't think this situation is going to change much. As he explained to you, the way he treats his daughter is due to the fact that he was an absent parent. Having been out of her life for many years -- for which, in my opinion, there is hardly ever a good justification -- leaves little room for him to assert himself as a disciplinarian.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 2:50PM
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    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 2:57PM
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Well I am glad you see the error in accepting that your bf did not have a relationship with his dd.

I do not think that your bf can step in and parent his daughter when he barely knows the girl! But I do disagree with his overspending on her....nothing can compensate for 16 years of ignoring your child. He is setting up a relationship based on what daddy can buy and his daughter will continue to expect to be lavished with expensive gifts. Its such a bad idea! How needs to put an end to the excessive spending and be honest with the girl....he needs to just tell her that he can not afford to spend so much.

As for you, I do not see this changing. He has lots of time to make up for with his daughter and you can not be upset that he is trying.

I understand being upset at his disciplining your children if it is unfair. Do you think that the standards you hold your children to are unfair? Or are you upset his daughter is held to different standards? Do you really want your children to be held to the low standards he has for his daughter?

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 3:33PM
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stop yelling ... we know you're pissed but no need to yell at us we are not the problem in your relationship ..... yeah your situation sucks ... but nothing anyone can do but BF .... he should not be disciplining your children since he is only your BF.

but anyway ....

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 3:36PM
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He is just your boyfriend - what do you mean about him providing for you? And by extension I am assuming you're talking about your children as well. To answer your question, no I do not think he has a duty to provide for you or your children.

His relationship with his daughter needs to be figured out between them. You are his girlfriend at this point, step back. No, he should not be disciplining your children, he is just your boyfriend. How do your children deal with this?

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 3:52PM
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I agree with pseudo. He should not be disciplining your child. Start there by nipping that in the bud and handle the discipline of your own children. He is just a BF. As for the spending, well I'll disagree with mom2emall and say that after not being involved, which probably also means he didn't pay any child support over the years, he should do as much as he can financially now, even if it means overtime.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 3:55PM
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Sounds like there is a lack of boundaries on your part in regards to your BF. After only a year, he should not be disciplining your children whatsoever. My DH only started doing this when we moved in with him which was after 5 years of dating.

As to the money he spends on his daughter, it's a natural reaction to being absent. But he needs to realize it won't buy her love. She will desert him when the money and gifts stop coming.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 3:57PM
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i soppose i do not necessarily mean "parent" her..but is it too much to ask for him to politely ask her to put the phone away while we are at the dinner table? such a thing would never be allowed by my children...and i mean things like when she is sopposed to come stay a week with him for her birthday and then says she has a concert to go to instead so its not going to work out but you can take me shopping for my bday there anything wrong with saying i really wanted to spend time with you for your birthday and im sorry you have made other plans let me know when you can come stay and we will celebrate then..instead of making a one day trip out there to take her on a shopping spree? I had made plans of having a coupke teenegae girls from our neighborhood attend a special bowling regards for the inconsideration to me or my efforts..i took time off work for her trip that she cancelled last minute on fathers day..can she not be told that her multiple cancelling of plans is rude when people have made changes in their daily schedules to accomodate her visits? i made hotel accommodations to take all the kids to an aquarium in san diego for a weekend..she started in with i have plans friday night..i have plans sunday morning..although i thought it ridiculous to change all plans around her, we did..she later says she is not going because it is not the aquarium she wanted to go to! then few days later tells dad she needs money for prom..this is a girl that has all d's in school and has to go to summer school...rewarded with prom? as far as disciplining my children...i probably should reevaluate and rephrase that..he is strict about table manners..and i am in agreement with that..we together enforce the rules of table manners..i just am so curious why it is not so important with his own daughter? i soppose he doesnt really discipline..but rather assists me with enforcing my own rules...but he is strict in the way of always pointing out when they have done wrong and not wanting me to let it slide..and i dont understand that...he does leave the actual discipline to me..but he is like always watching..but his own daughter does no wrong..we are talking about 2 straight a students, in band, gifted, dance, twirl, gymnastics, cheerleading, speeling bee champion, beauty pageant champions..a coupke of great in writing this, i have to answer to myself, no i most certainly would not want my children held to the same low standards..maybe its just im feeling he loves and cares about he more than he does us and that is painful to have him put first when i am demented in thinking we were here first..i wouldnt have chosen a man with children because i didnt ever want my children or me to be second to someone elses children...but here i am..and here she is...

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 4:58PM
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You deal with yours, let him deal with his. It really is that simple. You said in your first post you were looking for the dream family, as much as you want it, this is not going to be it.

It can still be good, but this is not going to be a dream. What is realistic?

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 5:05PM
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well thank you..that is the conclusion i had come to last night and that is what i told him as deal with yours and i will deal with mine..also i dont necessarily expect him to support me, i have been single and supporting myself for 5 years prior to our meeting..but i guess i get a tinge of jelousy when he spends so lavishly on her and he doesnt do that for me..i realize i have some issues and some growing up to do..some compromising to make if this relationship will work..he is a good man that loves me dearly that made some bad choices when he is younger and he is only trying to do the right thing in life now..i realize i should admire and respect that..i just cant seem to get past the feeling that it takes from selfish huh? also leaving me to deal with mine seems a bit hard to expect when he babysits for me on some weekends that i have to work..should they not have to respect his authority as an adult?

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 5:36PM
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No, they have to respect him as an adult. But you make the rules. There is no one size fits all for stepfamilies. A good gauge is comfort levels, does he feel any resentment? How do the children behave with him and adults in general?

My boyfriend is in the getting to know you stage with my DD and we both have agreed that if he at any time feels put upon, then we need to step back and evaluate his role. He is eager and he really wants to be a part of her life, but there are boundaries that everyone in stepfamilies have to maintain. As well, my daughter deserves the right to establish a relationship with him on her own terms. What works for me, may not work for you etc.

I dont think your feelings are necessarily selfish. After being a single mother for a LONG time, I really wanted (actually required) a partner that would be able to focus on me. I would not work so well as a SM in many of the situations I read of, the situation would have to be just right. I dont think it is selfish, it is just different needs.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 5:47PM
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at times i think about ending the relationship over this...i have talked to a couple of friends about this but they say i am being completely selfish and would be making a big mistake to give it time...they say we have a good thing and i shouldnt let a daughter come between it..but i literally feel turmoil inside of myself dealing with this situation...i feel like i am not being fair to ME...regardless if anyone thinks my feelings are valid, they are MY feelings and this is MY life..and most importantly i feel that it destracts from the kind of parent i am to my own children..for example i will be so upset and worked up over a situation happening with his daughter that i will be removed from what my own kids have going homework, baths etc, things that i am usually very involved in..i know it is all my soing, that i am doing it all to myself..but nonetheless..i am doing it..creating complete misery...i know he is doing the right just sucks,,,things were so great when she wasnt in the picture..

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 7:46PM
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"I'll disagree with mom2emall and say that after not being involved, which probably also means he didn't pay any child support over the years, he should do as much as he can financially now, even if it means overtime."

Helping financially now for school fees, transportation costs, and other necessities I could totally understand. Paying some child support to the bm now I think would be great.

But to be buying IPODS and cellphones and other expensive gifts constantly like they are nothing is another thing. I worry that the relationship will become centered around what daddy can buy her(as it sounds like it has). Is that really what he wants to start? He should be trying to get to know her and start a relationship based on that......not one based on money. I think that is what op is pointing out.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 7:51PM
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that is almost exactly what i have told him...she can never make it to any family events we plan for her to attend but is always available for a shopping spree..always asking for stuff..i agree he should take care of the necessities..infact when he said he felt sorry for her because he felt that she had lived in poverty growing up i pointed out to him that he was to blame for that..but i didnt mean spoil her rotten and teach her nothing..she wants a drivers permit which costs 1600 for the class..he asked if i thought she should be driving..i said absolutely she is 17..but at whose cost? i suggested that she get a job, save half the money for her class and he pay the other half after she earns her share..and besides she needs a job for car insurance etc..i suggested she use her walking legs to get to work at this 17 i dont think thats unreasonable..does he take my advice..NO..he pays for it all which i think teaches her nothing,..i dont think he is developing a healthy relationship and i dont think he is teaching her a darn thing..and for a man that is so different on the hone frone it is disgusting to watch..but then i told are talking to someone that paid her daughters way to summer camp, but had her daughter save her allowance for spending money at camp and what she saved i matched...i cant stand to watch what he is doing..i really cant

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 8:03PM
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"I worry that the relationship will become centered around what daddy can buy her(as it sounds like it has). Is that really what he wants to start? He should be trying to get to know her and start a relationship based on that......not one based on money. I think that is what op is pointing out."

He was absent 16 out of the 17 years she has been alive - personally I believe the ball is in her court. If he wants a relationship, darn straight he should be willing to jump through hoops to please her, and if pleasing her is by spending $ on her, etc., then so be it.

Let's try to look at this from her POV: dad absent for 16 years, he made a family for himself with a woman who has 2 children (specifically, 2 female children from the sound of it), he lives with them full time, he contributes to their financial support and he spends time alone with them when their mother works. Hmmmm, sounds like she's the third wheel and outsider in this cozy little family. Not to mention she is but a child in the middle of an adult situation where all the players seem to be reacting emotionally - but she should automatically fall into line.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2009 at 9:43PM
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Because the situation has some extreme aspects to it, I can see your frustration over what sounds like an extreme discrepancy between the way the kids are treated. I'm sure that it must be hard to watch, and there are no easy answers for how to make things fair... because the kids in general have had very different lives and experiences and continue to do so. It's kind of like comparing apples and oranges, and that's what makes the 'fairness' hard to determine.

I agree that your husband should cut back a bit on the buying of luxuries, and he certainly shouldn't buy them every time she asks for one, and certainly not on command in general... But I also see where you and your bio-kids have to adjust your thinking a bit too.

First of all, the following thinking needs to be adjusted: "he loves and cares about he more than he does us and that is painful to have him put first when i am demented in thinking we were here first.." Because actually, your Sd was there first. Not saying that this automatically means each and every time that she has to be "first' on everything, but her existence is a fundamental point of fact that you seem to be mis-perceiving. Also "i wouldnt have chosen a man with children because i didnt ever want my children or me to be second to someone elses children...but here i am..and here she is..." Well, you very much DID choose a man with a child: another fundamental fact which you seem to be ignoring. Finally, you mentioned that it upsets you to see your husband providing for his daughter her b/c he doesn't provide for you in that exact manner. But the thing is, not only is she his minor child, but she is also a minor child that he DIDN'T provide ANYTHING for for the vast majority of her life. So yes, a certain amount of this is making up for that past irresponsibility and neglect. Clearly not in an ideal way, but he at least is trying to own up to his paretal responsibilities to her in SOME way now.

But as everyone has noted, of course this can create other problems. Namely how your children perceive the situation. The only thing I can suggest as to how to address it with them is by an honest explanation incorporating some real-life lessons about: the fact that life doesn't always treat everyone exactly equal in exactly the same ways at the exact same times because we all have different lives; the fact that people make mistakes but that the right thing to do is to address those mistakes and make amends like your husband is doing; and that no matter what it may appear someone else has, on the surface, you never know what they have endured, or what they have lacked deep down, in the past, etc. Not to be overly dramatic about it, and it's not the best comparison, butit's soemthing along the lines of how it may be explained to kids that some kids get out of certain chores b/c they have a physical disability, or soem kids get out of certain homework assignments b/c they have a learning disability, or some kids get first consideration at colleges b/c they are in a certain minority group, or some kids are just born to rich parents and simply get more than other kids, period. If you think about it, at some point, we all learn these type of lessons, b/c if we didn't we'd all be pretty bitter and think that life is terribly unfair and that people who have certain advantages that we don't have are automatically happier. And this whole thing underscores the point that money shouldn't be a defining thing in happiness or relationships... the very point that is trying to be made about why it's upsetting to see Dad spend so much money on SD.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2009 at 10:50AM
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Your bf is trying to kindle a relationship with his 17 year old daughter the only way he thinks he can connect with her. BUt in the long run, he will get hurt because its very clear to us and you that she only does shopping sprees and not family get togethers.....
The day will come to him when he realizes what his daughter is doing and he will be hurt. Very hurt.
But why didn't he enter her life earlier. Most people lavish others out of guilt with the way he is behaving.
Well its good to know that he is working overtime for the expense.
you take care of your own and you lavish them the way you please.
Its an early relationship. Give it more time and see what happens. BUt if this makes you unhappy for the next years or so, i would strongly suggest you either change your mindset and let waht happens with sd and him stay between them or get up and go.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2009 at 1:29PM
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