Very Upset

smashleyAugust 13, 2010

I usually don't post on here, just read, but this has me really really upset.

Say what you will about my BF and his handling of his BM situation (long story short, BM lost her job, my BF loaned her $400 and she went out and got a tattoo with it. BF confronted her and said some pretty nasty things that he really does regret now. BM took out a restraining order on BF, they haven't spoken in a year and they are able to communicate now, but haven't.)

BM contacted me via FaceBook and said she was trying to be civil....then claimed that I was talking down on her to her child and her child came home saying "Daddy and Smashley say that Mommy is mean" and that if this continued we were going to have a huge problem.

This is beyond untrue. When I'm with my BF and his daughter, BM is the LAST thing on my mind, On top of that, I am rarely alone with BFs daughter - the only time I have been, we played with play-dough and the only words spoken were "that looks so good!" and "what animal should we make next?". When BF and I are together with his daughter, we're playing with her, or watching a movie, and we NEVER bring up BM.

I don't care for BM, but I would never seek to damage her relationship with her child. BM is the type of person that she can ruin that relationship all on her own, she doesn't need me to help her.

It just makes me upset that instead of attacking me personally, she has to attack something that she knows is very important to me - having a good relationship with BFs child. I've made it very clear in the past that I'm not trying to be her, I know that I can't be her, etc etc. I really don't know where BFs child is getting these things...or if she even said them at all. I wouldn't put it past BM to make this up to get a reaction out of me (which I haven't given, even though I would love to say something back).

Her family makes me upset too. BF and I have been together almost 2 years, known each other and been friends for many more. Last time I was visiting, BF and I drove to his work where his mom was going to meet us later. BMs mother picked up BFs daughter and as they were leaving, his daughter pointed to my car and said "That's Smashley's car! Smashley went to work with Daddy!" and apparently BMs mom had herself a little fit. It's not okay for me to be there and get to know BFs daughter after 2 years, but it's okay for her daughter to bring home guy after guy after guy, all of whom have interaction with BFs daughter?

I don't know. I hate that BM is such an expert manipulator and I hate that she knew this would make me upset. Attack me all you want, I know I have plenty of flaws. But don't try to punch holes in something that is important, and GOOD FOR YOUR KID! My BFs daughter loves me. I walk into the house and she runs into my arms. She always wants to play. We do puzzles, and play outside, and last time I was there we all washed my BFs car together and had a great time. My BF has even said if he and I were to break up, he'd get over himself for his daughters sake and he would want she and I to maintain a relationship because of how much she loves me and that I'm a positive female influence for her. I have never sought to replace BM. i don't speak negatively about her, I don't speak about her at all. BFs daughter is very clear that I am not "mommy" but "smashley". I'm not going to give her what she wants by replying to her, but I just wish she would grow up and stop smack-talking me all over the Internet and to her friends :/

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I wonder what is on BM's mind, why is she acting this way..Not to offend you, just wonder since I do not recall your previous posts, but are BF and BM divorced and if yes for how long and did you date while he was still married? Often when people post about BMs being mean, it turns out that was the case. If it is not the case then I don't know why is she acting this way...

as about $400, i think when one borrows money it really does not matter what one does with it, tatoo or not.

Does BF pay CS? Seems that BM is angry at BF over something and projecting it on to you.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2010 at 3:06PM
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My opinion is that if I lost my job and borrowed money from my childs father I would use it for bills, food, or other living expenses. Spending it on a tattoo is very irresponsible when you have no job!

As for bm trying to cause problems I would take it as jealousy. Some people have a really hard time with their child liking their ex's bf, gf, dh, or dw. That's probably the case. All you can do is continue a positive relationship with the child and ignore the drama. Take the high road and do not engage in arguments or bad mouthing her in front of her child. Good luck!

    Bookmark   August 13, 2010 at 3:42PM
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I do agree it is irresponsible spending money on tatoos, but I don't think it is worth saying nasty things and cause bad blood between people.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2010 at 4:28PM
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parent - my BF and BM were never married...she wanted to be, but BF didn't want to go down that road with her.

I can acknowledge that it's probably very difficult for her to see her ex, who she was with for 3 years and had a child with, be with someone else and be very happy while their relationship was often very very difficult.

The spending the $400 on herself was what made my BF flip out - the money was for her to have a reserve for gas, diapers, formula, bills, etc for his daughter. He pays child support, but since they have just about 50/50 and my BF doesn't make a ton, it's a very low number. In fact, BM is trying to take BF back to court to re-set CS.

Mom - I plan to do just that and not even acknowledge her message and just do the best that I can where BF's daughter is concerned. We don't see each other often because I go to school in another state, and when we do see it each other, it's always a very happy and playful environment. She's so funny. Apparently yesterday she was convinced I was coming over today and was saying things like "I have to go to bed! Smashley is coming over!" That's why what she said is so suprising. BF and I never fight in front of his daughter, and I truly have never bad mouthed BM in front of her...or really ever. I don't like her...but I'm not going to sit there and talk smack, that's childish. I know the issues between us, so does she, and that's all that needs to be said.

I think my BFs mom (since the restraining order, the moms have done the picking up/dropping off of BFs daughter and even though the order is gone, the moms are going to continue because it's been so peaceful) might say something to BM's mom that BM does not need to be contacting me about this stuff, and that she is always there when BFs daughter and I are together and that she can attest to the fact that I have not said one negative word about BM. I don't know. I just hope she stops pestering me.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2010 at 4:35PM
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I am not sure it is so very difficult for her to see her ex in nice relationship. Isn't she engaged? I doubt she is jealous. I think she has problems with your BF, unresolved issues with him plus she is troubled, and is projecting on you. Both your BF and his ex don't sound like type of people I want to associate with. There is always drama with people like this, what kind of people spend $400 on tatoos and then wish each other dead, bad crowd, I wonder why you are settling. But oh well, nothing to advise here really.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2010 at 4:43PM
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BM was engaged, then that engagement was broken off. She was then engaged 3 months later to another man. That was broken off as well. She doesn't seem to be able to hold on to relationships very well.

And I can't say I wouldn't be upset if I gave someone money for the benefit of my CHILD and they used that money on themselves instead...and then lied about it. It has gotten to the point that my BF sends his child support checks to DHS so that they can make sure the money is going into the right hands. My BF wrote BM a HUGE check for half a years worth of his daughters insurance. He has been told one reason BM may be trying to renegotiate CS is because she's started on state insurance. Where did the rest of that money go?

I know money is a means to buy material things, but when you're 2 and a half, you need those material things and it's not okay to take money meant for your child and then spend it on yourself. That isn't good parenting. But I don't need to say that. BFs daughter will grow up and see that. And thats not even the issue - the issue is that I forsee some major issues arising because of these false allegations of smack-talking BM...and BFs daughter doesn't need that in her life.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2010 at 7:32PM
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I do agree that BM is irresponsible but I am not entirely sure how is it your business what financial obligations he has and what they do with the money and what he pays her or not. You are a very young girl, not married, don't live together, live in a different state, are in college, and you are just dating a guy, how all of this is your business is beyond me. What is she doing with his money is between him and her, you need to stay out of it. Where the rest of the money goes is entirely between him and her.

I don't understand how kids attending college and hopefully working have any time to investigate what other people do with the money or how they parent their children. Normally they have no time for any of the drama you described. How do you have the time for all this? My DD is 22 and just graduated college, between working and going classes and paying her bills she barely had time for herself let alone investigating other people's financial state or their parenting skills.

I am not sure why do you let yourself to be sucked into this drama. Maybe your mother needs to talk some sense here. Maybe you have too much free time on your hand. Seems like such unproductive life style for a 19-year-old.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2010 at 10:16AM
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Smashley, you need to stop listening to the gossip/grapevine. You were doing this back earlier this year when a friend told you what she/he heard BM say.

Don't do this. It serves no purpose other than to upset you and keep you rattled. Who cares if the child's Gma tossed a fit behind your back? Why do you even know she did?

The email from BM was out of line. But why play into it? You know it is untrue and BF knows it is untrue. What you need to be absolutely certain of is that the child never ever overhears BF/you having a private conversation discussing her mother. Why you are not guilty of belittling BM in front of child, is it possible she overheard something not meant for her to hear? If not, then the whole email is squat and forget it. Consider the source it's coming from and don't let BM rattle you. It is possible she wrote it just so you would respond either directly to her or through indirect contact (mutual associates). Don't give her that kind of fuel.

As far as the child support. You/BF do not get to control what BM spends her money on. She could get say a $300 support payment and lite a match to it. Stupid...but nothing stopping her. The support money is meant to offset BM's child expense. Is the child going hungry, unclothed, blah blah? If not, someone is paying for those items. Somebody is paying for the roof over child's head, the water in her get the idea. All those things cost money.

Yep. Wasted money on body art was not something "I" would do. But it did serve to 'teach' BF a lesson to go through proper channels of handing out his ordered CS. If BF is handing out money above and beyond ordered support payments, he should be documenting the additional money. Say if he were paying $50 a month directly to a preschool for an afternoon a week, he should set those arrangements up with the preschool and give it to the school. If not, and he gives the cash to BM and she buys herself new jeans, well that's silly of BF to have done it so she could abuse the money.

Money for health insurance? If he handed BM a wad of money undocumented as in a 'friendly agreement' between the two and then she turned around and applied for welfare medicaid, BF has noone to blame but himself. Where is his legal 'proof' he gave her that money and what it was for? Silly thing to do.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2010 at 11:43AM
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Wow, Parent of One. Wow.
All I'm going to say is maybe your DD isn't very good with time management because I am a full time student, with a job, an apartment, and plenty of bills to pay. Yet I still make time for myself, my friends, and my boyfriend. I spent my entire summer taking classes, working, and volunteering. You're really rude to assume that I am unproductive. Oh, and those summer classes I took? 4.0 GPA. By the time I am 22, I will have graduated with a Masters Degree because of the amount of hard work I have put in.

justmetoo - you're right. I definitely need to NOT play into what she's saying because I know it's untrue. BF and I have not had a conversation about BM in a loooong time. In fact, we haven't spoken about her until she sent us both those messages, so I know it's not his child overhearing a private conversation. And I stay out of the money situation. In fact, BF, BM, and I all sat down to talk a long time ago. The first part of that conversation was her pressuring him for money and I said "If you two are going to talk about money, I don't need to be here because this kind of stuff is private". And like I said, after seeing her take and waste that money, he now sends all of his payments through DHS so that they get into the right hands for the right purpose. It was a stupid and costly mistake to give her money that way, and it's one he will not make again.

And I said this a long time ago - but there is MAJOR ageism on this board. Sometimes being older isn't always being wiser. We all make mistakes, old and young alike. Some people on here should really remember that.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2010 at 1:53PM
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DD has different priorities in life, her time management skills are fine. You are hanging out with the wrong crowd even if you have enough free time due to good time management. Age has nothing to do with it. People choose wrong crowds at any age and people could be immature at any age. You keep going on and on where he sends his money and what they do with their money, why do you care and how is that important for your life? I wonder what your mother says about all this.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2010 at 2:51PM
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Smashley, I think what PO1 is trying to say is that it's concerning to hear of a hard-working young lady with so much going for her getting sucked into this drama. (Actually, I see that she did say exactly that!) It's great that you can keep all these balls in the air at the same time for now, but I think PO1 is worried that if one of them gets dropped, it might be the wrong one, if that makes sense.

It's extremely unlikely that BM is suddenly going to change for the better. Yup, I'll agree that her behavior was very poor in spending money for her daughter on a tattoo. I'll agree that she shouldn't have said you were talking badly about her. I'll agree that she may be a troublemaker. And???? If you want validation that's fine. If you want it to change, it's probably not going to.

I think the reason for what you perceive as ageism is that if, for example, a 40 year old spends five years of her life dealing with bad BM behavior at the expense of her own and her families lives, well, we're only going to be 45 at the end of it. Not a huge difference and probably not going to affect our lives that much in the long run. If you spend five years, you're going to be a 24 year old; you're not going to be able to get those years back. Not your undergrad years, not your early twenties - they will be gone forever.

BTW, I agree that your BF needs to have more common sense and maturity in dealing with BM as well. That too is concerning; it sounds like the two of them are perfectly content to play their little who did what to whom games. You, on the other hand, are headed somewhere with your life. Make sure that you get there.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2010 at 12:27PM
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Smashley, I agree 100% with what Mattie said. I agree, BM sounds like a ______________. And she isn't making your relationship with kiddo or dad easier (not her job, btw).

Take it from someone who's been there. Get out of the fire. You can still be friends with BF, you can still have a relationship. But unless you're planning on getting married and settling down and being in this child's life FOREVER you shouldn't be so involved. It's not fair to the kid, and it's not fair to you. You as a young person, who has not figured out what she wants yet, and shouldn't have her life figured out yet.

I thought I knew it all at 20-25-30... I only wish someone was as brutally honest with me. You are a young adult. You have so much potential. Don't spend such beautiful years in such self-imposed agony. This is BF's fight. Not yours. BM's not going to stop. Kids will feed both sides of an argument because they don't know any better. This will not stop, unless you step away.

You can still be BF's girlfriend. You can still be a friend to baby girl. But please, please, please... take a good hard look at what you want. Save up for a trip with friends and go somewhere very different. Get some experience. Meet people different from those you know. It will give you perspective. And maybe you will come back to your same life. That could be fine. But not right now.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2010 at 12:51PM
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I know a girl that calls herself SMASHLEY. She drinks A LOT.

I am thinking... if a child is old enough to say "Daddy and Smashley say that Mommy is mean" ... then wtf are they buying this kid diapers and formula for? I'm just sayin.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2010 at 3:37PM
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That's the biggest problem I have with this forum Happy... People make assumptions and infer people are less than based on assumptions and omissions. Screen names are not always what they appear to be and you've just made a pretty broad and insulting assumption.

I would go with:
Step Mom Ashley = SM Ashley = SMASHLEY

But that's just the way my mind works. Care to pass judgement on what my screen name may stand for? There are three or more possibilities.

Silver Sword = I like swords
Silvers Word = These are my words, this is what I'm saying
Silversword = a plant

Your second assumption is that the $400 incident happened recently. It didn't.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2010 at 4:00PM
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I don't care where her screen name came from... I was just stating a fact, that I know someone that calls herself SMASHLY and she drinks a lot.

As for the time line... apparently you are privy to more info than I am... so be it. I was simply... CONFUSED.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2010 at 4:15PM
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Happy -

My name on here is Smashley because it's been a nickname of mine since I was little. I have a sister who is 5 years older and she always called me Smashley because when I was younger I had a habit of dropping things, or spilling things, or being clumsy and falling and hurting myself so she started calling me Smashley and it has stuck.

Now maybe if the name was Trashley, it'd be a different story, but yeah, you're reading way too much into something as simple as a nickname.

Also - this incident with the money for things like diapers and formula happened a year ago, which is why I'm not exactly sure why it was brought up again by PO1.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2010 at 5:33PM
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that's not true, smashley, 400 deal was not brought up by me at all. You started your thread by telling us about $400 deal otherwise I wouldn't even know about it!!!

here is your own quote from the very first post of this very thread

"I usually don't post on here, just read, but this has me really really upset.
Say what you will about my BF and his handling of his BM situation (long story short, BM lost her job, my BF loaned her $400 and she went out and got a tattoo with it. BF confronted her and said some pretty nasty things that he really does regret now. BM took out a restraining order on BF, they haven't spoken in a year and they are able to communicate now, but haven't.) "

How did I bring it up????

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 8:59AM
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Even a year ago... how old is this kid? You did bring it up in the original post. That is why I thought it was recent.

I wasn't saying YOU are a drunk. I was just saying that I know someone that calls herself that. No need to get defensive. Just reminded me of that. Trashly is another nickname for the same girl, however... I am not sure she knows people actually call her that.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 2:07PM
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Smashley, I'm going to have to agree with most of the other posters here.

This is not your fight. This is not your problem. Yes, it affects you, but it's not about you. You should not be interfering.

I am not saying I approve of the tattoo expenditure or the rest of it. But it is not your business. You should not be interfering or commenting on it.

The only thing that is really your business is the comment she made to you on Facebook. I agree with the others that your best move is not to respond at all. But if you do, try not to make it about defending yourself, but about reassuring her. It sounds to me like she is very insecure -- and who wouldn't be, in her place? Even if she is the nastiest person ever, I feel sorry for her; I wouldn't trade places with her for anything. Anyway, no matter how she got the misinformation about you badmouthing her, or even if she just imagined it, the point is that what will stop her is not winning the argument about who said what, but reassurance that she isn't in a battle with you to begin with.

So if you do respond, let it be something like, "Dear BM -- I'm really glad you wrote, because I want you to know that I am very careful not to talk about you in front of Petunia, and I am especially careful never, ever to say anything negative. I don't know how this misunderstanding arose, but it really doesn't matter. I just want you to know that I will always be fully supportive of you with regard to Petunia. She is a great kid. -- Smashley"

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 2:26PM
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Maybe I was a little off base Happy, but it just seemed you were going way off topic to put Smashley down, and I don't think that's what she needs.

For instance, what good would it do to mention that I've met a woman who calls herself Happy and she has ____________ unsavory habits?

Gell, I think you're right.

Smashley, where do you see yourself in 10 years?

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 2:48PM
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"Happywifenmom" has never posted before - not on the step-parents forum, not on this entire site. Yet now she is here with such helpful comments as "Trashly is another nickname for the same girl, however... I am not sure she knows people actually call her that."

smashley previously said "I just wish she would grow up and stop smack-talking me all over the Internet". Indeed.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 3:03PM
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Oh. I guess I'm kind of slow on the uptake Mattie.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 3:06PM
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Everyone here is so on the defense. I can assure you that I am NOT the BM of smashley's SD. I am a BM... but not her BM. I am also a SM, of one very happy, very loving young boy that adores me. I was honestly just saying, that I knew someone that called herself that. I can see there is no OT conversations here, so I shall refrain in the future.

SMASHLEY- What I can say to you is this, in my experience, it is common for a BM to air their dirty laundry on their FB page. It's almost like they can't refrain from expressing to the world that THEY gave birth to that child and they don't want ANYONE to confuse SM as the BIRTH MOM. And anything SM does that is even the slightest bit questionable, WILL be turned in to something that it isn't. And there are many SM's out there that do the same to the BM's. No self control at all. My exhusbands girlfriend is quite frustrated that I am a happily married, responsible mom of 2 girls, that has my head on straight and my priorities in line. Therefore she makes stuff up like "they aren't even your kids" etc etc... even though we were married for 3 years BEFORE I got pregnant, and my girls are the spitting image of their dad.

Wanna know what I do? IGNORE IT. I completely ignore ALL of it. My SS's BM likes to talk trash about me to everyone she knows (and a lot of these people are MUTUAL aquaintances) and the future SM of my girls... can't keep my name out of her mouth to save her freakin life. I just don't care. I am a GOOD mom, and a GOOD Stepmom, and that is alllll that matters. Seriously, I know it is hard to ignore at times. And it is frustrating as hell... but it is part of being the "bigger person" that everyone always talks about. And in STEP FAMILIES, that saying will become more and more a part of your everyday vocabulary. Be the bigger person.

I say, either ignore her email all together. Or respond in a mannor that is mature, and reassuring that you are in NO WAY speaking poorly of this childs mother. That is my advice.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 3:49PM
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happy, smashley is 19-year-old college girl who is just dating a guy long distance, he lives in a different state and has a child. it is a very different situation.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 6:41PM
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yep. I'm a BM, I know lots of them, and in my experience I've never known any to air any dirty laundry on FB. It's a social networking site for the people I know rather than a mud-slinging fest.

Smashley, please really consider what you want from life. I'm not all that much older than you, but let me tell you... these young adult years are precious. Just over 10 years ago I was in your exact shoes. Boyfriend I thought was my soul mate, his beautiful 2 year old daughter, crazy ex wife, etc. I look back, and I spent a good portion of my "fun days" in not so fun ways. Although it didn't seem like it at the time.

He said I'd understand more when I had a kid of my own. Boy, was he right. And I'm so glad I didn't stick around.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2010 at 8:57PM
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