too many emotions

pseudo_momAugust 22, 2011

So its been a while since I have posted about SD12 ... I have done my best to avoid her and any conflict with her ... apparently she pms's 3 weeks a month so everyone is just to leave her alone while she is pms'ing ok great.

So friday morning I wake up she is already up the boys are still asleep ... I have to repeatedly ask all 3 children to go to bed numerous times after midnight when I get home it seems to be playtime ... whatever just get out of my hair at midnight ...

So anyway ... she asks if she can have a ham sandwich at 9 am I say no have cereal no she doesn't want cereal she wants a ham sandwich whatever not worth the argument so now sandwich pickles chips popcorn and soda ok ... now its 10 am she is having cereal ... I say what are you doing ?? she says getting cereals whats it to you ... I say an hour ago you didn't want cereal you wanted a sandwich and you had one plus other stuff ... so she has 2 bowls of cereal ... at 11 the boys wake up and have cereal ... she is in the kitchen again this time its ice cream ... I say ice cream is for dessert not lunch .....ok I see what kind of day this is going to be so I head outside in the yard to putz around she comes outside with a bowl of ice cream smirking the whole time she is eating it so I go into the house ... she follows me gets more ice cream well the boys start yelling at her to save them some SS13 goes to look 1/2 a scoop left in the container ... I say nothing head back outside she is looking for a fight .... she then comes out mind you its only noontime ... she has a bag of goldfish happily eating away ... I said well those were for dinner tonight so looks like we won't be having that so I head back inside ... she follows behind I tell her to go away from me I do not want to fight with her ... she starts pounding her chest I am not afraid of you ok whatever ...

So I am standing my ground she walks around me elbows me in the back and I swing around and elbow her and tell her next time you touch me I am going to drop kick you into next week .... and she says well I'll just call the cops and have you arrested ... go ahead I say ... well for 20 minutes she and I arguing back and forth her threatening to call the police and DCF etc... I give up I tell her ... I am calling the police now ... let them settle this ... she locks herself in the bathroom after I get off the phone with the police ... the boys start calling their father and mother .... well hubby is an hour away ... mom is 5 minutes ... hubby calls mom says go get her ...

the police show up before mom does ... I walked outside when the police got here ... I told them she is in the bathroom walked them in the house and went back outside .... she was on the phone with mom when the police got here ... he told her to hang it up she said but its my mom he said well you can talk to her later you need to talk to me right now ...

I was outside when mom showed up the police came outside to talk to her and SD came out carrying her stuff got in mom's car and left ... the boys stayed here ...

The officer said her parents and you have a long road ahead of you .... I agreed ....he asked why I called I said because I want her to know I am not afraid of the police coming here she seems to think I am afraid of going to jail told her it would give me peace and quiet away from you ... and he agreed saying it would be like a vacation compared to dealing with an unruly 12 yr old.

He said he told mom and her that she should seek out a counselor and have DCF help their family ... SD told him she would rather be in foster care then come here .... he told her that could be arranged.

I am not proud of myself or anything like that ... but I needed her to know I am not afraid of the police or DCF or anyone coming into my home to help me ... she needs someone besides me telling her she is wrong ... she doesn't listen to her parents me or anyone for that matter ..... she is the most unruly child I have ever met in my life she is so full of conflict its not even laughable anymore almost sad that she is destined for a life of misery which she brings and creates upon herself ...

I again told hubby I do not want her here if he is not here .... so he and her mother will have to make arrangements for her outside of my home when he is not here.

We will see how that goes ... should be interesting school year ... :)

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OMG psuedo! I think you did the right thing. It was a good lesson to be tought. I do not envy you having to put up with such a brat. At least you have the boys to always back you up. They know what's going on. Ugh, I'm so sorry! What does her mother say about it?

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 3:44PM
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Yeah, I realize she's a child and all that...but the police hauling her in and letting her sit in the juvie holding cell for about 48 hours (without parents 'bailing' her out or contacting her) just might be exactly what might finally get through to this kid. Too bad the system does not work that way.

This child is not going to live a long (even if miserable) life if she keeps stuffing her face in the manner she does.

I can not even begin to imagine what it is like to be deliberately baited by a child the way this girl eggs at you.

Big hugs your way, Pseudo Mom.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 4:47PM
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You have nerves of steel! I would not have been so patient. Of course, my SD avoids me... she feigns being afraid of me, so she would never get in my face. It's good that the police handled it the way they did.... I loved where she said she's talking to mom.. SO??? I don't blame you for not wanting her there at all when he's not home She belongs with her mother. Her parents create the monster, let THEM deal with her.

My marriage is being tested right now because my SD12 has everyone in DH's family up in arms that I am horrible to her & she's innocent. DH is under pressure from his family over it, so she may get her wish to be rid of me. I've also opted to have nothing to do with her, except she still rides to & from school with me ~ silently at least.

Of course, I would have no problem taking the cereal, ice cream or goldfish away from her... but then again, she may be somewhat unsure of what would happen if she egged me on to get physical like yours does. Of course, your SD has been reinforced that you have no power & she does... so let the parents that empowered her, have her. UGH~

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 7:35PM
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Thanks ladies :)

Mom is all about protecting her from me ... because I am so mean and horrible and will not allow her to do anything she wants ... we ask questions and have rules ... how dare I not even my kid ...

Mom has been calling hubby non-stop about when he will be seeing her since she isn't coming here for a while ... I have left it alone not my problem he can visit with her elsewhere and drop her at home ... visit while I am working I don't care ...

She told the cop she loves when I work til midnight and he said why so you can get away with doing anything you want???

She had a blowup last weekend while I was at work ... I missed it completely had nothing to do with me at all ... why was that blow up .... oh this is a doozy .... SHE STOLE HER BROTHERS MATTRESS and he wanted it back and she wouldn't give it to him :) ...

I bought her a new mattress but because I bought she didn't want to use it ... so she was using the crappy mattress her mom gave her ... when she didn't want it anymore she stole her brothers new one and gave him her crappy one!!! ...

I held back on the elbow I knew I didn't want to hurt her ... because truthfully I don't think I would stop in time ...

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 9:45PM
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You're a stronger soul than me. I would have FLIPPED my lid. The nerve.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2011 at 10:51AM
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Haven't logged in for a while but wanted to say 2 things:

Pseudo, my heart cries for you and your situation.

IMA, "DH is under pressure from his family over it, so she may get her wish to be rid of me." What the h3ll is going on??!! After everything you have done, sacrificed, etc. and what, your DH is caving to his family's wishes and his family hasn't seen through SD's lies??!

    Bookmark   August 31, 2011 at 11:22PM
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DH's family wants to believe SD. They don't see her often & when they do, it's all about wanting the latest on SD if SD isn't there. They may not like hearing the truth & I have been outspoken about what's going on with her. I don't sugar coat that she's failing in school, doesn't do what she's supposed to do, etc. I think I need to learn to say "everything is wonderful with SD" and leave it at that. Give up NO drama. If SD is there, she stays close to MIL & plays victim. "can you get me a cookie grandma, Ima won't let me have one." or "I want to go sit by my dad but Ima is going to tell me no." So, MIL will tell her to go get the cookie & then watch over her to see if I say anything or send her to ask her dad if she can sit with him. DH was shocked when SD asked him, with tears in her eyes & MIL watching from a few feet away, if she can sit next to him to eat. He (nor have I) ever told her she can't sit next to dad, EVER. So, to answer your question... MIL does not see through the lies or she is choosing to believe them so she has a reason to butt in & start crap with me. (honestly, I think MIL has had her own agenda against me that may have started before we got married but she pretended to like me) DH is starting to see that but he wants to stick his head in the sand & ignore the problem, hoping it will go away or fade (a kinda "can't everyone just get along" attitude). His mom calls him when he's at work to ask what's going on in our life so she is addicted to the drama. The problem is that he listens to her and tells her what is going on in our life when he should tell her that everything is fine (even if it's not exactly) or tell her he's a grown man & he'll handle his own family, thank you very much. That is something, hopefully we address in counseling... can't change her from being a busy body but hope to change how he reacts to it.

Sorry pseudo, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I really wish I had the ability to let go the way you do. I am trying & often think of you when trying to ignore whatever it is that SD is doing to annoy me. It feels like she does things that she knows I get annoyed with.. then looks in my direction to see if I am going to say anything to her. Most of the time, I am able to ignore it but I know she can see my annoyed face because I am horrible at hiding my feelings. She can probably tell when she's affecting me so I try to stay away from her as much as possible. It's like a game to her & I'm refusing to play... it is so nice when she's at her mom's house. (or should I say, whose ever house she goes to.. she still spends the majority of time everywhere but with her mom) I got a text from BM's BF's exW a couple of weeks ago that SD spent the whole weekend there. Strange!

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 1:06AM
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what's up with bio parents sending their kids to new significant other's ex's house? That's just so odd to me!

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 6:51AM
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--"If SD is there, she stays close to MIL & plays victim. "can you get me a cookie grandma, Ima won't let me have one." or "I want to go sit by my dad but Ima is going to tell me no." So, MIL will tell her to go get the cookie & then watch over her to see if I say anything or send her to ask her dad if she can sit with him. DH was shocked when SD asked him, with tears in her eyes & MIL watching from a few feet away, if she can sit next to him to eat"--

*picking jaw up off the desk*

See if after a while of Dh going to the counseling with you (and I just read in another thread he is also doing a parenting class) perhaps he can get his mother to agree to go to a few sessions with him (just him and her). I agree wholeheartedly that he needs to tell her to butt out, but unless someone other than he (or you) tells her this she will just blame you what she'll see as you turning her son against her. She needs to hear that what she is doing is not only undercutting her son as a parent but also that while she thinks she is 'helping' the child she is being very detrimental to the kid and the kid's relationship with her father and in her father's family home...he can't 'parent' if she won't let him. MIL is feeding the 'victim' and she should be ashamed of herself for doing so. As a grandmother myself, I'm appalled at your MIL's behavior. She's hurting this child far more than she's 'helping' and she's being too ignorant to realize it and/or too stubborn in her agenda with you to care.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 7:03AM
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In both IMA's and Pseudo's situtation their stepdaughters are hopeless (I'm a bit on the pessimistic side today!). Perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad thing if hubs was convinced by his family's "pressure." At least you'd finally find some peace in your own house!

The restraint both of you ladies exhibit is absolutely amazing. I'd have gone postal a long time ago and a few bunnies would have been boiled! At least the stuffed animal variety -- or maybe not, given the horrible living conditions you both are subjected to. Do you both realize that you are in abusive situations and you are being abused?

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 10:09PM
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I'm with lonepiper. I cannot imagine having to deal with children behaving that way and not only not feeling backed up by their parent(s) but rather feel like I was being questioned!!

Pseudo Mom, calling the police may have done a lot more good than you know right now. It sounds like the responding officer did not for one second fall for SD's sob stories - and let her know that he wasn't buying it. Hopefully that may have planted a seed in her little brain that her behavior isn't always going to work.

Ima, if you tell MIL that everything is fine with SD then when it becomes so glaringly apparent that even MIL can no longer ignore that everything is light-years from "fine", then MIL will only use your statement against you - "Ima told me everything was fine! How was I supposed to know?" I think you should calmly and one time tell her that you will no longer discuss SD with her because she doesn't want to listen, doesn't want to hear, and so you are no longer going to allow yourself to be drawn into this.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2011 at 9:15AM
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"Do you both realize that you are in abusive situations and you are being abused? "... You wouldn't believe how many times I have said this!!! I will not be abused in my own home!

I do not mind the hijack IMA ... let it out ... My MIL backs me up 100% even went to SD's mom's house to tell her and mom what she thought of how her granddaughter behaved in front of mom so it wouldn't be taken out of context.

It may not appear like hubby backs me up but he does ... tells her do not talk to my wife like that etc... the boys stick up for me but she doesn't care what anyone has to say ....except grandma! remember the whole 11 bags of popcorn thing .. calling grandma to apologize!

Mom's BF said when he came to pick her up with mom that day that she is horrible to him to ... I told him well you should tell her its your house and she can leave if she wants to ... and mom told her it was his house and he lets us stay here ... so she called hubby crying that no one wants her and she wants to go to foster care because every one calls her a b!T(h and no one likes her ... SD told DH what they were saying to her. He said to me as I am talking to the kid I can hear her mother in the background calling her one what do I say to the kid then ... your mothers an A$$ ..

No clue what he said to her but I told him I do not call her that I do say no wonder your mother calls you that :) she then will say my mom does not call me that the boys chime in and say yes she does!! ... he said she justs wants to feel like she belongs I said I tried and tried for years she and I did everything together and she and her mother conspired against me and this is where we are at now ....

He agreed that her mother treats her badly but what can he do's an example... the boys started school tues...on monday because they needed clothes they finally asked to go ... so he takes them shopping SD is crying when he gets back home because mom did not buy her anything for school ... wed the boys go to mom's ... SD asked her mom to take her for a hair cut mom said no you don't need it 15 minutes later she told the boys they needed their haircut so she took them while SD watched. SD said she was crying the whole time and mom kept calling her names then told her to go sit in the car she couldn't look at her ugly face anymore.... The boys called hubby to tell him they need blah blah blah for school so he heads outs and gets specific binders notebooks and calculators drops it off at mom's house ... SD again crying she didn't get anything for school and everything mom said and did while the boys got their haircuts.... he says well I have to wait till I get paid to get more stuff broke already with buying the boys stuff.... more bawling. So now I am feeling bad for her the victim again ... I basically told him not to buy her anything until she can behave and not treat him me or the boys badly ... he said he was going to buy her some stuff because it is his daughter even if her mom has custody... I said I really don't care if you do or not but I want you to play hero not just give it blindly ... each time she comes here give her something rather than all at once ..

I wish I could like her because I do feel sad for her at times but she causes so much misery its hard to feel bad.

Since this incident I have not been alone with SD hubby is here if she is here if he has to leave he takes her with him .... if he goes outside he makes her go with him ... Her behavior has improved its only been two weeks but it been okay... she is being pleasant, no attitude in her voice, no snarky comments, trying to be funny, playing nicely with the cats, probably jinxing it ... but its been a nice two weeks... shows me there is hope for her.

I can't imagine being IMA dealing with a baby and an unruly child ... I would take that $158 and find some teenager or neighborhood mother to bring her to school. I do not wake children up for school or bring them to school...NMKNMP.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 12:59AM
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"Do you both realize that you are in abusive situations and you are being abused? "..

Yes. That's why we are heading to marriage counseling. I'm not staying in a situation where I feel abused. I'm going to do everything possible to save my marriage but I am not going to continue living the way it's been.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 1:47AM
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