Dealing with a Sociopath and he is tearing my family apart

FeelingCrappyAugust 23, 2013

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. He has 2 children from previous relationships, I have 3, and we have 2 together. Yes...we are building our own army.
Anyway, his son came to live with us 3 years ago. (He is now about to be 16) He use to come visit during the summer and things were ok, but he's always been a Because of his strange behavior, we worried about what might be going on at home. When questioned about it, he basically said he was being abused and neglected. Immediately, I told my husband that he needs to come live with us. Worst mistake I've ever made, but I practically begged for this nightmare.
Right away, he became a problem. He started physically hurting my children. The strange behavior became even stranger. Things would come up missing and eventually it would be found under his mattress or in his pillow case. He then began to physically hurt my cat. All of this within the first month he came to live with us, and it has only gotten worse. He is anti-social and lacks empathy to the point it is creepy. My husband and I are constantly fighting over this kid, I've even packed up the car and the kids and left twice and both times his kid had a smirk on his face. I think that is exactly what he wants. We also found out that everything he said about his "abuse" and "neglect" were all lies.
More recently, my oldest daughter (14) and my other older children were sitting around the table. She asked him, "If anything were to happen to us and we were dying would you help us?", he replied, "No, I don't even like any of you like that!" That has stuck with me more than anything else. If there was a complete stranger lying in the middle of the street or anywhere and my kids seen them, they would help. That's just what people with empathy do, they help others that need it. The fact that he said no and we are suppose to be his "family" really bothers me. A couple of months later, I hear him and my 4 year old arguing downstairs while they think I'm in the shower. I snuck downstairs and waited behind the wall where I could see them but they did not notice me. I see him ( the look on his face was that of a serial killer) telling my 4 year old...4 year old, that he is soooo ugly, and stupid, and he hates him. WHO DOES THAT?!?! When I came around the corner, he tried to lie. (which he does every time a word leaves his mouth) But when he realized that I had been standing there, he switched up like some kind of psycho and started laughing in my face!!!!
I've dealt with this for 3 years even after voicing that I no longer wanted him to live with us. At first, I was trying to be very delicate with my husband about the situation because, after all, this is his kid. Being delicate didn't work...obviously 3 years and he has been here. I live on edge every second he is in my home and it's come to the point where I am affected physically by just the thought of his presence. We can't leave him alone with the little ones...why should we have to live our lives like this???
He goes home for the summer. I told my husband he CAN NOT come back. However, I got a call at work from my husband telling me he is coming tomorrow. I said, HELL NO. So we talked about it. After about an hour, he said he understands and he really wasn't comfortable with him coming either but it was hard to tell him that. So after encouraging him to do the right thing, he tells me he is going to call the kids mom. Problem right there!!! So, she gives him a guilt trip and tells him that she shouldn't let me and my kids come in the relationship with him and his kid. Which I knew she was going to pull. So, he changed his mind again. We've been fighting since 6 am about this. I told him he needs to find another place to live because as soon as he leaves to pick him up, I am changing every single lock on the house. He then, got on his knees and begged me to give him another chance. I feel bad!!! Truly, I feel terrible to have to put him in this situation. If it were just my husband and myself, that would be totally different. I would suck it up for a couple more years and deal with it, but we are talking about 5 other children. Nobody wants him to come back. I know this sounds awful, and never in my life did I ever think I could feel this way about a child, but this situation is a nightmare. Someone...PLEASE just tell me what to do!!! I don't want my family to break up, but it is against my better judgment to bring him back in the house. I am afraid that he may really hurt one of my kids, but I don't want my husband to resent me forever. UGH!!!!

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I know some people are going to say the kid needs counseling, but at age 16 the damage is pretty much done. I think the kid just needs a good old fashioned paddling, but I doubt that's going to happen.

You can't risk the other children being harmed by this kid. He's big enough to seriously hurt the little ones and even you. I say put your foot down and say either he goes, or you go. And this time mean it.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2013 at 3:06PM
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You know what to do:

When he goes to pick up this manipulative, malignant person, change every lock in the house.

"Breaking up the family" is better than finding yourself on the news with police, paramedics, & the coroner in the background.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2013 at 5:29PM
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"He started physically hurting my children."

Change the locks today and call a lawyer. You need legal help. Your first obligation is to the safety of yourself and your children. Your four year old is not old enough to protect himself. It's your job. If you allow your children to live in house with someone you know is physically abusing them, then you are permitting the abuse, and child welfare authorities could (and should) take your children away from you. In fact, if I lived next door to you, I'd call the authorities, and the animal shelter, to get the kids and the cat out before they get hurt.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2013 at 5:47PM
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Change the locks. Do not let him in. He's physically and mentally hurt your children? Hurt your cat? You've picked it. This is how sociopath serial killers start out.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2013 at 2:25AM
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Thank you all so much! I do know what to do but my husband had my almost convinced that I was being over dramatic about the severity of the situation. I do understand he needs help, but not here, not with my children. I'm not really sure if he can be helped because sociopaths tend not to see anything wrong with their behavior and without being able to recognize your bad behavior it is pretty much hopeless.
Anyway, I guess I just needed to hear someone say it. The locks will be changed today when he leaves. I'm not sure how this will play out but we will see I guess.
Again, thank you. You have no idea how much you've all helped.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2013 at 7:31AM
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Feeling, of course you must follow your instincts and protect your children first and foremost.

But when the dust has settled and you can talk reasonably with your husband, be sure to point out if he does not already know

The ages of children who might abuse animals like your cat, be emotionally abusive to the point you are physically afraid for his step brothers/sisters, will be important in suggestions of how parents might deal with the behavior.

Typically, the advice for behaviors noticed in children 7 - 12, and then 12+ though is much the same and it's 'Get professional help immediately.' This is likely not something your husband or the two of you together can address yourselves.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2013 at 12:27PM
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So, I stuck to it and don't give in. Although, it was very hard when my 4 & 3 year old were begging him not to leave them, it was heart breaking. I can't believe that this is what he has chosen. He left his family that adores him for a kid that openly admits he doesn't like him. WTF?
Anyway, I'm in the middle of changing the licks yesterday and I got a text message. Guess who it was from...the step son! He sent a really long text talking about he knows I hate him and he doesn't understand why, he's sorry for everything, and suddenly he loves everyone.
I felt like crap!!! Then, I started to think... He didn't get on the plane. He's still at home. My husband didn't have time to get to the airport and he should have landed. In this case, I didn't feel so crappy. I realized he was just saying what he needed to say to get his way. Right?!? I feel like I'm in the dealing twilight zone. It doesn't matter, my husband is gone and he still managed to cause this whole thing.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2013 at 7:40AM
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'he was just saying what he needed to say to get his way'


Many years ago I worked for someone who I now realize was a sociopath.

I was so puzzled by her ability to lie without giving it a thought, & finally I realized that she didn't have to think about whether something was the truth, or whether it was fair;
it was like she didn't even have a concept of 'true' or 'fair'.

The only thing that mattered was getting what she wanted.

That's your money (boyfriend/husband/client)?
Nope, it's mine!

These are the people, I bet, who can pass polygraph tests no matter whether they've done whatever-it-is or not.

As time goes on & you're not under the 24-hour-a-day pressure of someone telling you you're wrong/crazy/overly emotional, etc, it will become easier & easier to not give a moment's credence to anything this,--delusional?-- co-dependent?--father & son claim or demand.

Congratulations! & keep going & never look back!

    Bookmark   August 25, 2013 at 5:02PM
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If he is indeed a clinical sociopath, then yes he is saying whatever he needs to say.

You are doing right to protect your kids. Maybe your husband can come visit you alone and when 16 year old is on his own and no longer dependent you can reunite.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2013 at 2:20AM
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Talk is cheap. Glad you were able to see through the BS.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2013 at 8:27AM
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I may be in the same situation. Excepting husband has custody of the sixteen year old. He is back in my house after leaving for ten weeks ( lived with friends ) because I searched his room and found cannabis, bongs etc. Sixteen year old has been thrown out of school for a female elderly teacher. We constantly had neighbours at door because he beats up younger kids. Yesterday we found another bong. This is the fourth time drugs have been found in his room . Whenever he does not get his way he wants to return to his Mother in South Africa. This would be the second time in a year and a half this has happened. Last time Mother sent him back without telling us, he arrived on our door-step . I want him to go back to his Mother , he wants to go back to his Mother husband thinks he has a better chance at life here in Britain. I may have to be the one that leaves but house will have to be sold first. HELP !!

    Bookmark   August 30, 2013 at 12:34PM
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