OT help

silverswordAugust 9, 2012

I posted the following at the single life forum but no response. I'm hoping you'll help me over here!!

I have some questions, friends. If you've been dating someone (3-4 months) and discovered a personality trait (not cheating/lying/stealing/abusing/etc..) about them that made you have pause about the relationship continuing and had to think about that... how long do you think is an acceptable time to ask them to wait while you think it over?

A day? A week? Longer?

Second question. If you've been dating someone exclusively, and you've been taking time to think things over, and your boy/girl friend calls you because they are in the vet's office and their pet is dying (a pet you have cared for yourself)... do you think it's appropriate to offer to help them? What would you do?

Third question: If you wanted to be friends with this person, but did not want to be lovers anymore, do you think it's reasonable for them to be upset that you did not offer help with their pet, or call to check up on them later (although there was a text). Also, do you think they would be off base to think it's ridiculous that you then texted two days later to say you needed more time to think?

And last, if after a week of thinking, you go by their house to break up with them, do you think you should have their house key, etc. with you? Do you think it's reasonable to say you'll bring it by a few days later, and then contact the person on that day to say you can't make it and offer to leave their things outside their house? Do you think your ex has a right to feel anxious about getting their key back? And, when you bring their things back, do you think it's reasonable that you forgot half of the things and didn't turn right around to go get them?

And, one more... do you think that texting the next day to ask if you can drop them by the door is reasonable?

Do you think that this behavior is friendly and they should want to be friends with you even if you aren't lovers or do you think they are right, and you are acting unfriendly and like a creep?

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justmetoo

LOL, silver, that was quite a number of 'what ifs'.

Key? I likely would not have had a key after 3-4 months. Would not have offered one out nor accepted one from the person. If I did have someone's housekey that I was seeing as in dating, key would perhaps be on my keychain.

Would I help out someone I was friends with with a sick pet? Sure, without being asked if I knew the need of help was more than likely needed. Would I help someone i was thinking of 'breaking-up' with? Probably as I'm a sucker for pets with big sad eyes. Would I help someone, anyone, who demanded and/or that it was their due right just because I was friends with them or dating them? Nope, not unless I really did it for the animal and then it would be between the vet and I.

Ask a person to wait? If I were dating a person for 3 to 4 months and had occassionally been 'lovers', they likely would not know I was taking a standback and re-reviewing. I likely would have not been quite so involved so quickly that the person actually knew I was rethinking the relationship. Rather like 'sorry, I have plans this week, can't make it, but I hope you have a great week with whatever you are doing'.

I would not be taking weeks/months to rethink. I know myself well and if something is a bit off or a unknown was discovered that really bothered me to the point of having to rethink the relationship, I would know all but immediately if whatever it was was an issue and/or a deal breaker for me.

Would I want to still be friends? Depends. If I had been 'lovers' for several months and was now breaking it off, I'd likely want a clean break. If I had been casually dating and maybe one night got caught up into more, I might. But the friendship would be more a casual once in a while maybe dinner/movie not BFFs.

I might have missed a question or two. Oh, the clothes. Perhaps something left behaind could be arranged to be picked up at a neutral place that works both for both people. Actually if I left something behind, I would figure it was my place to arrange to get it back at the other person's convenience.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2012 at 3:11PM
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Amber3902

Silver - really there are no wrong or right answers here. Everything depends on the situation and what you feel comfortable with.

"If you've been dating someone (3-4 months) and discovered a personality trait (not cheating/lying/stealing/abusing/etc..) about them that made you have pause about the relationship continuing and had to think about that... how long do you think is an acceptable time to ask them to wait while you think it over?"

However long it takes to think it over, but usually this type of thing takes me a couple of days to think over.

"do you think it's reasonable for them to be upset that you did not offer help with their pet, or call to check up on them later?"

People are free to feel how they feel. If they are upset because you didn't help them with their pet, that's how they feel. It would be nice and probably the right thing to do to help them with their pet, but again, you're under no obligation to do so, it's not your pet.

"And last, if after a week of thinking, you go by their house to break up with them, do you think you should have their house key, etc. with you? Do you think it's reasonable to say you'll bring it by a few days later, and then contact the person on that day to say you can't make it and offer to leave their things outside their house?"
If I was breaking up with someone, I'd be sure to have their stuff with me at the time I broke up with them. I don't think dropping their stuff off by their door is a good idea, it could get stolen, rained on, damaged, etc.

"Do you think that this behavior is friendly and they should want to be friends with you even if you aren't lovers or do you think they are right, and you are acting unfriendly and like a creep?"
You don't have to be friends with someone you don't want to be friends with.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2012 at 8:55AM
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yabber

Silver, is it maybe all just too soon?
....
What if you're just not ready yet; not ready to fully commit, but not willing to completely let go either. So you end up giving mixed responses...As cliche as this may sound; maybe the timing is just not right.

Ok and I'm dying to know: what is the personality trait??

    Bookmark   August 11, 2012 at 7:08AM
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susanjn

Which of the people are you?

What kind of help with the pet? A shoulder to cry on, financial help with vet bill, digging a hole to bury it?

The key and all belongings should be returned immediately. I'd probably re-key the locks, too.

If someone I'd dated for only 3-4 months told me I had an annoying personality trait that they needed time to "think" about, I'd consider myself dumped and move on. I would consider their approach annoying. I'm assuming this trait is something difficult to change, rather than some sort of habit. I would give them all the time they need to think about it. Meanwhile I'd be going on with my life (somewhat hurting, no doubt) and maybe finding someone better.

You don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to. I wouldn't feel like being friends with someone who told me I had an annoying personality trait.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2012 at 4:16PM
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silversword

It's too soon for sure Yabber. And those were a lot of what-ifs, lol!!!

I'm the one with the personality trait, and it's "argumentative".

A shoulder to cry on, help digging the hole, really all I wanted was the question "do you need anything"? It's something I'd ask of a friend, no matter what. Even if I knew I couldn't help, I'd see if they needed anything on the chance that I could get them some help.

I've moved on, he still has a few of my things but he did return the key. He wants to be friends. I posted this at length on HT, they were very helpful but I wanted to get a neutral opinion (that's why I posted so no one could tell which party I was). I also posted on the Kitchen table, where I got raked over the coals a bit. LOL.

Thank you for responding!!

    Bookmark   August 15, 2012 at 2:37PM
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yabber

Oh Silver, sorry you got raked over the coals at the kitchen table, I'll blast them for you if you want :-)

What is the HT forum?

    Bookmark   August 15, 2012 at 7:41PM
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yabber

Hot Topics: I didn't even know we had that forum :-)

    Bookmark   August 15, 2012 at 8:03PM
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