husband left. need advice! new gf in pic

lailie2009August 26, 2009

Ok after 9 yrs of marriage and 3 children later. I was diagnosed with cancer. My husband told me he was no longer attracted to me or in love but loved me. He wants a divorce. He has never worked on any problem in the marriage which they were small problems. I did my best to be a good wife and he in my eyes was a good man. He left me 3 days after we found out I have cancer. He moved in with a female Co Worker. who was just a friend and married. Her husband moved out due to as she said cheating on her with her best friend. This girl is 21 and my husband is 29. Now my husband and this co worker are living together, working together and making a life together. My husband thinks its ok to bring our little children all under 4 yrs old over to his girlfriends 1 bedroom apartment to spend time with him and his new girlfriend. I am not seeing anyone nor do I plan to at this point But I dont see this as a good situation him wanting the children and introducing this new female into the picture at this time. They have been together for 4 weeks now

Any Ideas on this

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I am so sorry for your illness and hope you recover very soon. It is not OK to bring your children around that woman so early on. i would consult with attorney what can be done. MY SO's attorney wanted to put in his divorce agreement that minor daughter not to be around mom's BF. DD turned 18 when divorce was final so there was no need, but lawyer suggested to do that. So it is possible.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2009 at 12:53PM
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Your husband is a nut case eh?
4 weeks and he wants to introduce her?
I think he's been with her more than a month from my point of view. BUt i dont think they should go over for several reasons.
1. Too soon
2. Divorce is not official
3. 1 bedroom apartment, where are the kids going to sleep, so NEVER HAVE THEM SLEEP OVER. There is no room.
4. You have cancer, which type, this should be your first priority and the kids meeting this new gf can wait ....
So tell your husband, you will not expose your kids at this point and time because of the above reasons. Visitations will be supervised.
I think you better get yourself a lawyer and make sure that he comes to visit his kids at the house and that he is not allowed to take them anywhere until the divorce is settled with all details.
What kind of cancer may i ask have you been diagnosed with? I work for the Cancer centre.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2009 at 1:02PM
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I have kidney cancer. He is also very demanding abusive mentally emotionally and physically threatening at this time. Its like 1 day hes buying me flowers and cooking me dinner the next day he is gone. He is slacking on taking care of his prior responsibilities and can care less if we are homeless due to his inability to pay the rent here for 3 months I wasnt aware of. He uses the phone as a weapon as if he gets mad at me which hes always mad. He wont answer the kids calls to talk. He has seen them 1 hr 15 MINS in the past month. He doesnt have a cell and we have to call his gf's cell # for the kids to leave him a msg. I dont have money for a attorney and seem to have to deal with this on my own. We were served with a 30 day notice to quit and this is what he is banking on that he and his new gf get a 3 bedroom and he will be able to take the kids. He claims his free consult attorney said he would get them 50% and if we go homeless he will be able to get them perm from me

    Bookmark   August 26, 2009 at 1:41PM
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You *must* get legal representation;
call a woman's shelter & tell them what's going on.
They should be able to get an attorney to intervene;
maybe garnish his paycheck so that his children will have a roof over their heads.

Your city may also have a "211" (dial 211, just like you'd call 911) service where you can call to find out about resources such as medical care, food, etc.

If there's a big city nearby, there will be a bar association (here, you can call Dallas Bar Association) & ask for their lawyer referral service, & tell them that you need pro bono (free) help.

Lots of lawyers donate a certain amount of time to helping people.

& take care of yourself;
those children need you.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2009 at 2:27PM
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Sylvia is right, a womans shelter should be able to help you.

Also, you can still file for child support while still being married. I would call your states child support enforcement asap.

Document everything, the day he left and stopped paying bills etc. Everything you can think of, document it in a journal.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2009 at 2:36PM
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Department of Social Services / Department of Human Services
Whichever it is called in your state, go there and request emergency financial assistance. They have programs to help you pay delinquent rent, moving costs, untilities, etc. Show them your eviction notice.

You have a notice to quit, but you don't have to start really worrying about it just yet. Your landlord has to take you to court first. The notice to quit is only preliminary and formality. But it is enough of a notice to let you know you have to do something and seek help. DHS may not be able to do anything until you actually receive a court-ordered eviction notice. But go there now and tell them you expect to be summonsed into court soon.

Also, when you do go to court, you will be given an opportunity to make payment arrangements if you think by that time you will be able to live up to it. If you don't think you can, then don't make any arrangements. But you will already know you can receive help from DHS once you receive an eviction notice. So while you're in court, ask for time to pay. They will give you time to pay, like 10 days or 15. You can always ask for more time. You don't have to feel bullied in court.

I realize how upset you are from the diagnosis and from your husband being a horrible jerk. I'm really awfully sorry this all is happening to you. At the moment though, you have to wipe your tears and get your head together to prevent losing your home and to prevent losing your children. There is help out there, so please don't sulk and go take care of things.

Other sources for assistance might include your local Catholic Church, St. Vincent dePaul, and the Community Action Service in your county. Most Catholic churches offer financial assistance to people in your predicament. They don't want to see women and children out on the street. Call the one near you and ask for a St. Vincent dePaul representative. Or ask for St. Vincent outreach center in your community. These are just additional sources for help that I can think of, but you probably won't need them. More than likely DSS / DHS (whatever it's called in your state) is going to help.

I wish you the very best, and please post back to let us know how it all worked out for you.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2009 at 2:55PM
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