fiance's X wife comes to hospital, funeral home, family dinners

lucy809August 13, 2009

Hi my fiancee and I have lived together for about 3 years. His son (15)came and stayed a couple of weekends. Then all at once and for no reason pulled his fist back at my younger son (11), then my older son threatened to hit my stepson. Ever since this my fiancee has to go stay the night at his mom's on Sat. night and stay up there on Sundays because his son won't come back. They go on fishing trips and me and my kids stay home. This has been difficult enough to deal with but it has gotten worse.

Every time a member of my fiancee's family has been in the hospital his X wife(mother of his boy) comes to the hospital to stay. Not a few hours, but almost the entire time and even at night. Recently my finacee's aunt was terminally ill I went to the hospital and stayed a few hours and he was gonna stay the night, but when I was about to leave his X showed up. I couldn't stay at the hospital, my children were at home and I didn't want him to stay the night there with her. He left with me, and when she left at 2:30 AM he went back. The next day I went up to take him clothes and his mother talked to me terrible. Saying he was being a better father to my kids and not seeing his own. which wasn't true. His son had been cancelling Sat. night to be with his friends, not my fiancee. She said her grandson had raised his fist back at mine because he kept saying "Georgia" I have no idea what that means, but I told her what ever she was talking about would give him no reason to hit my younger son. My fiancee was there when it happened and told her my son didn't fo anything to provoke her grandson. but she didn't care. She acted like my kids were bastards,She said her X daughter in law was still in the family and would always be there at all there family things.

The X wife claims she's being there for her son, and I can see that to a point, but not coming and staying the night. She also stayed almost the entire time at the funeral home and at the funeral. She went to the get to gether at my finacee's other aunt's after the funeral. I didn't go and myt finacee insisted on staying the entire time and the funeral home from early morning to late nights until after the funeral so him and his Xwife were there and I stayed home the entire time. I trust him, but I just think the X using her son for an excuse. The entire time she was with his family her mother lay bedfast and sick with cancer and she left her with her brother to come to her X's family's. To beat it all my mother-in-law and her went through periods of hating each other during her marriage to my fiancee. When her great grandmother died I stayed at home and let my fiancee go to the funeneral to not be disrespect to her, should stay that much at his families. She even come to the hospital when he was in the hospital. I left to get clothes came back and she was at his bedside. am I wrong or is she oversteping her boundaries?

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There isn't much you can do about the relationship between your fiance's ex-wife and his family, is there? About the only thing you could do is raise a stink about it, which just makes you look petty. Really--- what do you care if they have a relationship?

Is ex-W overstepping? From her perspective and from the perspective of her ex-in-laws, no, since she is the mother of their grandchildren and was in their lives for many years before you were evn a thought. In their minds, you are probably the one overstepping, as you are not even yet married to the man and you are presuming to dictate to others who they can or can't associate with. You have a right to assert to the man you're marrying that there be reasonable boundaries in HIS interaction with her because HE is the one you're marrying. You have a right to have certain boundaries as regards the home you will share with him, and when --if ever-- she comes in it. And even though you can also be said to be "marrying into" his family, I doubt they'll see it as your right to give them boundaries about who is in THEIR home or life.

You have the choice to withdraw from the in-laws and ex-wife if it makes you uncomfortable, but you can't tell others who they're allowed to like. I wouldn't suggest boycotting the in-laws because that's no foot on which to step into a marriage at all. But you might be smart to not confide in them too much if you know ex-wife is cozy with them. That's just self-protection.

I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable with it, anyone would. But it's not the ex-W's or in-law's job to adjust their long-standing relationships just so you don't feel uncomfortable. Maybe some of it is your husband's job, but mostly it's your own job to make yourself feel less uncomfortable with it somehow. Or if you really want to get down n' dirty, to turn it around somehow so ex-W if just as uncomfortable as you! Or even try to outclass her so that eventually the future in-laws like you better than her. Or remind yourself that your man is engaged to you, not her, so what do you really have to worry about? Or make sure you always look fantastic whenever she's around so you at least can feel like you have that on her. Whatever, just so long as you find a way to make yourself feel better. You also have a right to ask for some kind of heads-up from family as to when ex-W will be present, but you can't always count on getting it. So you have to be proactive and know for yourself how you will handle it if/when she is present.

If you have any reason to think she's actually making herself present just to eat at you, then just don't allow her that satisfaction. She may or may not be, though. It's just as likely she wants to maintain a connection with her kid's grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. as a way of helping him maintain those connections. In and of itself, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her doing that. If she shows an attitude or uses it as excuses to make a scene, well then she is just showing her a$$. If not, well, then she is just being a mom and trying to preserve ties with people she cares about and wants her kid to be close to.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 1:24PM
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Sorry Lucy -- Gotta agree with Serenity 100%
Be gracious about it and always look and act your best around her (it's a great defense mechanism) so she'll have little to pick at if she's so inclined.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 2:20PM
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I agree the ex wife is being a nuisance. I would hate having her around all the time too. But the reality is there is not much you can do about it. You can not erase the bonds that were formed with your fiance's ex wife and his family.

I am still very friendly with my ex's family. Me and his sister often talk. And I do talk to his mom a lot too. We just all got along really well and even though I am not with my ex they still consider me a part of the family. Before I met my husband now I used to go to holidays with my ex's family. They would always invite me for Christmas and Easter and such. I would usually go long enough to say hi and enjoy a few appetizers, but when my ex was dating someone I would not stay for the holiday meal. I would just leave our son there to enjoy it with them because I did not want to make it uncomfortable for my ex's date. And now that I am married my dh would be uncomfortable with it.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 3:10PM
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what i am more concerned it is the fact that he stays at mom's house instead of bringing his kid to his house, that would bother me. spending every weekend elsewhere with his kids and never bringing them home is a bad sign. i would address that.

as about his X I understand how you feel in a way. i would not be too thrilled if SO's X would be at every event I attend. Fortunatelly (or unfortunatelly) she does not get along with literally anyone in SO's family and certainly is never around. But if X is on good terms wiht fiancee's family and they like her around, there is nothing you can do. i agree wiht sweeby, look your best and act your best and don't let it bother you.

but like I said address the issue wiht him staying at moms on saturdays, are you sure that's where he is staying?

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 3:14PM
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A grown man who's made the break from his ex & who has made a commitment to his fiancee should have enough backbone to get his son under control & keep his family & his ex within reasonable boundaries.

Take care of your kids.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 3:26PM
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Lucy, Sylvia is exactly right..FDHs son is probably embarrassed, and angry if he was disiplined for what he did with the fist raising, but what are your expectations when you marry, FSS has to visit his dad at grandmas ? He will have to come to your home eventually, FDH needs to mend these fences between you and your sons and his son, not run off to grandmas...Also does FDH want Ex at the family functions? Why doesnt he tell her, stopping in is OK, but dont wear out your welcome, this is MY family, not yours... I have stopped at Exs family wakes usually before the home opens, to drop a card and sign the book, that way they know I cared enough to come, but didnt stick around to cause drama...I have had major problems with DH s ex coming to funerals, geez, I thought she d outlast the grieving spouse, as far as her staying power. DH and I just ignore her. But as far as sons needing support, DH was in the hospital, FSDIL asked if I called Ex to come, I was incredulous!!!!DH didnt want her there, but she was more than welcome to sit in the parking lot and give them hugs every half hour or so, if she chose to...Good luck with thse beauties, I feel your pain....

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 3:49PM
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I wouldnt be so quick to assume that OP's sons werent teasing FDH's son (who knows what Georgia meant? a girl?). Maybe dad didnt undertand either. Raising a fist not same as hitting. Not great, but I'ld make certain I understood the entire situation. FDH's son may feel he is outnumbered, OP sticks up for her kids and he has no one. FDH may be the type not good at communicating.

I think it is only natureal to stick up for one's own kids and have a more sceptical approach with others. If this georgia thing meant something to grandma, it likely has some meening that involves teasing.

All that being said, if fmil wants to stay friends with X, I think OP should not let it bother her. Or at least not let it show.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2009 at 3:57PM
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maybe he is from Georgia? (like a state Georgia or maybe from a country Georgia?) was it like ethnic type of teasing?

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 11:39AM
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Who knows what Georgia meant? If it was where one side of the family was from, I would assume OP could have figureed that out. I just think there is more than the surface re this argument. If OP cared about any kids other than her own or the situation, she would suggest to dad he calmly sit down with son and grandma seperately and ask what georgia meant, and why it was trobling.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 11:42AM
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It is funny that we are curious to know why mentioning "Georgia" caused such commotion, but OP never asked anyone why this word caused SS to raise his fist. Wasn't she curious? I am leaning towards girl's name or a place of origin. I do not assume that OP knows where family is from, not everybody is observant. Plus not many people know that there is country named Georgia. Very very beatiful place by the way, generous people but very hot blooded LOL

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 12:23PM
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Yes, FD its like OP was so anxious to say FDH had no problem so my kids could not have been teasing.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 1:51PM
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I can understand her going to a funeral or staying at a hospital for his relatives but visiting your DH while he was there himself was overstepping. He should have told her to leave. Or told her to not show up at all in the first place. It's not her place to be there anymore. Was she taking the kids there to see him? In that's just something you'd have to deal with.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 8:50PM
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