try to help or wash hands?
But first, here are some new ones for the book of 'you have got to me kidding me' parenting choices.
So when you last heard from me SD's mom had signed her divorce papers and had her first date with match.com guy #1 in the same day. After the one date she introduced him to her daughters and had him around all weekend. Well, 2 days later she decided HE was getting serious too fast (!) and broke it off. The same night she went out with match.com #2 guy. It's been two weeks now and they've been together almost every day, spent last weekend at the beach and this weekend will be traveling to another town. She's pawned her two year old off on her soon to be ex (it's her weekend time) and skipped out on her dad's b-day party to be with this guy this weekend. Last weekend she sent SD back home 3 days early (after telling SD she took the weekend off to be with her) to go to the beach with the BF. A good way to make your kids feel loved for sure.
So then, as SD has been very against meeting every guy mom dates, BM came up with the great idea of taking SD, a friend of hers, and her younger daughter camping for three days with the new guy for Labor Day. We first heard about this from SD, but then BM texted DH to see what he thought. He, in as nice a way as possible, told BM in no way was he comfortable with this, her knew SD wasn't either, and that she was nuts if she thought any of SD's friends would be allowed to go camping with this stranger. She, rather calmly for her, replied that they would be staying in town and going on day trips, but SD could stay back alone in the apartment if she didn't want to go. HOW ABOUT THIS IDEA, BM? Why don't YOU just spend some time with your kids WITHOUT your BF? She actually put the camping idea to SD like that - 'We can go camping with my BF or stay here in the hot apartment all weekend. Your choice" This week we gave her 2 days to make up that time thinking she would spend some time with SD, but instead she took her shopping for new BM clothes (after telling her she was too broke to buy school clothes) and then gave her the choice of dinner at her favorite restaurant with BF or staying home and cooking herself dinner. Obviously SD went, and said BF is nice enough, but that BM totally ignored she and her sister.
SD has tried to talk to her mom and tell her how her behavior when she is dating makes her feel, and how it affects the younger daughter. From what we hear younger DD2 is basically ignored - to the point where she striped naked in a store and ran around. SD worries about not being there because when the BF is around it's "like her kids don't exist." BM called SD a brat and told her WE thought she was a brat too when SD tried to talk to BM about how hurt she was. She told SD she was just trying to ruin her mom's chances of being happy and was selfish. SD asked why she couldn't just be happy with her daughters for a little while, and BM replied that she wanted to go on vacations and cruises so she needed a man. HUH?
As I mentioned DH and I sat with BM and gently tried to tell her to leave SD out of her dating life, and to take it slowly with regard to mixing her kid life and her BF life as there was great potential of harm to her relationship with SD, as well as to any chance of SD not resenting this guy. Her response has been to still involve BF in every day they are together, but to tell SD she doesn't have to come. WTF? This is her visitation time with her daughter and she gives her the option of BF or nothing? She can't just spend a day with her daughter alone? SD has obviously figured this out and is beyond pissed and hurt. She just doesn't want to go anymore, except to see her sister.
So all that said, here is my dilemma. We've tried once in person and once in an email to warn BM about the consequences of her actions. She obviously doesn't want to get it - she thinks giving SD the option not to go is the solution and that her behavior is justified and appropriate. I'm torn between taking her to coffee and just basically throwing in her face what she is doing to her girls. . . or just letting it play out. The part of me that loves my SD and strives to protect her from anything I possibly can wants to try to talk to BM, more directly, and spell it out. The part of me that thinks she deserves to reap what she sows wants to just comfort SD as much as possible while BM continues to ruin her relationship with her daughter(s).
Your thoughts? Intervene again, or just butt out and watch the show?