Big vent

lovehadleyAugust 5, 2010

I need to vent here or I will wind up getting angry with DH, even though it's not his fault. It's so hard with anger in these situations---almost like I want to blame HIM for having BM in our lives, if only on the outskirts.


Okay, so this summer has been rough for BM. DUH. Who would have thought that having another baby wasn't the best idea? Basically---she and her DH are down to sharing one car, HER car. It's an SUV and her dad took out a loan for her thre yrs ago to get it, but now she is upside down on the loan PLUS her dad took over the payments two yrs ago when BM and her DH weren't making them.

Ok, so her DH has a big truck and a Honda Civic, but apparently neither of those are in working order. So her DH--for the entire summer---has been driving BM's car to work, leaving BM home in the house with 2, 3, sometimes 4 kids, depending on if SS and his stepsis are there.

Not much fun.

Anyway, as a result---DH & BM are supposed to be doing a week by week schedule but due to HER lack of a car, and inability to get out of the house much, we have had SS for 8 day stretches, while BM has been taking him for 6 day stretches. It's been great for US. SS has done a few day camps, we have pool passes, so I take them swimming all the time, we're going on a little mini-vaca to the lake next week, etc. FUN times.

So BM asks DH last week if she could get SS yesterday (Wed) for her mom's birthday party. (This is our week.)

DH said sure, but that SS was doing a camp this week (with my DD) and that BM would need to pick him up from camp at 3:30 pm and then drop him off at camp at 8:30 AM the next morning and could she do that? She said sure, she'd borrow her mom's car if she had to, or else her DH would go into work late or something.

ok, then Tues. night she calls DH and says that she actually has a dr. appt to have her IUD removed (God in heaven, WHY????) and won't be able to get SS from camp at 3:30. So can I still pick him up, since I'm getting DD anyway?

Sure. But then the prob is BM wants to get SS from DH's work; DH has been swamped at work this week, so I ended up having to drive SS to DH's work---a good 30 mins away from camp. Whatever. I dropped SS off and then I guess DH met up with BM a bit later for HER to get SS.

Then BM calls DH at 10:30 last night and says SS went to bed with a headache and is not going to camp today??? She's just going to "keep him home with her."

UGHHHH. I am so mad! SS was adoring this camp! Loving it! Each day I picked him up, it was "this is the best camp ever, guess what we did today!" Today is the last day and then there is a camp-out/sleepover tonight. He was sooooo excited about this camp and then BM has to pull this crap?

DH lit into her last night and said "don't make a decision now, wait and see how he feels in the morning." SS gets headaches occasionally and they almost ALWAYS go away within a matter of a couple hours. I have no doubt he was fine this morning.

So DH calls BM this morning and her phone is going straight to voicemail, and her home phone is disconnected.

DH called the camp office at 9 AM and they said no, SS had not arrived at camp.

So who knows what is going on, when DH will pick him back up from BM, or if SS will even make it to the camp sleepover tonight. He friggin' better! This is DH's custody week, and if he technically wanted to, he could go get SS from BM's house right now. But he's at work and BM KNOWS it.

I'm so mad. DH is mad. It's ridiculous. WE paid for this camp--DH was generous enough to give her last night with SS to celebrate his grandma's birthday--and then she pulls this. And really, money aside, SS should be at camp because it's fun for him and he likes it.

But no. Now he will sit in the house with his looney mom all day. To top that off, as I was driving my DD to camp this morning, she said she was excited to see SS and I had to tell her he might not be there today. And then she started to cry, which made me so sad. :(

To make matters worse, BM is about THIS close to losing it. I guess she is desperately trying to buy a van---because she cannot fit all the kids in her car, and her DH pretty much took it, anyway. She called DH to see if HE would co-sign a loan for her. HAHAHAHA. The audacity never ceases to amaze me. DH said no way, but gave her the # of a banker he knows, and BM apparently was going to see if HER DH's dad would cosign a loan for her.

Ok, honey---YOUR dad already cosigned loan for you on your last car, and you defaulted on it, forcing your dad to take over the payments, so it didn't screw up his credit. Now you're upside down on it, and you are going to ask your father in law to co-sign something new? My dad would knock me upside the head.

DH tells her he can get her an older van for about 4K if there's anyway they can scrape up the cash---but no, get this, she wants something newer with leather and a DVD player.

I can't handle it!!!!!

I mean, the next question, too, is---school starts in a few weeks, HOW is BM going to get SS to and from school? DH cautiously broached that with her, and she bit his head off, saying don't worry about it, she will figure it out.

I am not so sure. They live SO far from his school (30-40 mins in morning traffic) and I am just super concerned. Sharing a car is not working for them, and if SS starts having probs getting to and from school...DH is going to have to suggest WE keep him during the week. THat will NEVER go over with BM, and then that only gives DH one choice...COURT.

I need to recite the serenity prayer to myself.

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What a mess!!! It is really sad that bm is pulling this and ss is missing a fun camp event. Since bm has no vehicle I would think that during the school year if she can't pick him up then she can't have him on a school night. He can't miss every other week of school when she has him! And the nerve of asking your dh to cosign on a loan for her!! She sounds like my skids bm.

My skids bm has a car payment that was less than $200 when she left dh. DH had custody of their kids. And she was calling him telling him she could not make her car payments and could he help her pay them (the car was in his name). He refused saying that she had a job and he had the kids she can figure it out. So she got the car repossessed and went out and bought a new SUV with leather seats!!! When sd has summer school one year bm took her overnight during the week and promised to get her to summer school. When sd did not show at summer school dh called bm and got voicemail. Later she said she had car troubles, but the kids said they went to the waterpark all day!

Then when bm moved out of state the first time she came to dh with this idea....they could rotate children. She would have one for a few months and then send the child back and get another one and keep doing that so they both got time with the kids! Nevermind 2 of the 3 kids were in regular school and one in preschool. Just stupid!

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 11:36AM
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OMG. I can't believe she wanted to rotate the kids month by month! What about school???

Believe it or not, though, I have a friend with a now 6 year old DD with her ex. He lives in Houston, she lives in my state. She has primary custody and he gets their DD for pretty much every school break (any long weekend, Thanksgiving, half of Christmas break, half of spring, etc.) plus six weeks in the summer.

Well, at one point he filed court papers to modify the agreement; their daughter was 3 at the time and he wanted to have her 2 weeks out of each month. He was in med school, my friend worked, so basically this little girl would have been in two different preschools a month.

The judge SERIOUSLY considered it! Can you believe that? My friend was a nervous wreck the whole time and the GAL was prepping her for the possibility that the judge would give the father that custody arrangement.

Thankfully, the judge ultimately decided against it and my friend got to keep her primary custody, but I was shocked the judge would even consider a motion like that.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 12:48PM
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Question: Why would she tell your DH (her ex) that she was having her IUD removed? Doesn't that seem a bit on the personal side? Lines need to be drawn (by your DH) as there are none right now - she really asked your DH to co-sign a loan for her???!!

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 8:52PM
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"Why would she tell your DH (her ex) that she was having her IUD removed? Doesn't that seem a bit on the personal side?"

That's how she is. It is a BIG issue with me because, while I do think it is how BM is, I agree, DH could be firmer with her.

Something in that relationship makes her feel it's okay to say things like that.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 11:28PM
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Your poor SS. No wonder you are furious. How awful that he missed camp. You must be so angry and frustrated right now (and upset on SS' behalf).

What is up with these people who just think things are going to magically work out somehow? Optimism is one thing, gross negligence, stupidity and a sense of entitlement is another. Some people just seem incapable or unwilling to think things through logically.

As for school, can DH give them a heads-up on the situation? Our school district is very strict with the attendance policy, and if kids miss too many days (and it's not many) they will file charges with the magistrate first and ask questions later. I know a few people who have ended up changing custody agreements that way; the magistrates apparently tend to often agree to drop the charges if that parent agrees to alternative arrangements for the kids or has some kind of plan for preventing truancy (in the case of older kids); otherwise they'll slap a fine on parents which gets increasingly higher, and they have no problem getting CYS involved.

I love the co-signing question! When we went to pick up SS last time, BM is very angry with DH because he refused to fix something of hers (not a necessity, never used by SS). He was so dumbfounded that she'd even asked him (actually, it was more of a demand than a question). Seriously?! We're in the middle of preparing for the modification hearing (if it ever arrives), she didn't want to pay any CS, she makes SS miserable every time he is there, she's lied repeatedly to DH, SS, court .... but she really thinks DH is going to do her a personal favor that would take about six hours of his free time?!

    Bookmark   August 6, 2010 at 8:20AM
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Love, I just don't know what to say.


    Bookmark   August 6, 2010 at 12:13PM
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I'm a little baffled at how you know what she's going to do at her doctor appointment. T.M.I.

Anyway, it is her problem how she is going to get him on her weeks when he goes back to school. Just like her phone didn't work, she didn't answer it, whatever.... that can go both ways. If she gets a hold of your DH & he's at work, he needs to be able to tell her ~ "sorry LH is busy & can't do it... you said you'd take care of it so you need to figure it out!" otherwise she will just continue to screw up and expect you & your DH to take care of it.

Your DH should probably also tell her that since she doesn't keep her word on agreements or when making exceptions to the order, that unfortunately he will not be able to stray from the order, even if it's a special occasion. He can say he'd love to be able to do that, but if it's only going to be one sided or if she is going to change the plan after she's gotten what she wants, then he can't do it anymore... SORRY!

and if it comes down to she has no way to get SS on a regular basis & you do go get him, I'd bring him home & tell her that she can come get him when her DH gets home. I would NOT drive SS to her.. then there is NO incentive for her to make a plan.. the plan will be to let y'all do it... and sit there waiting for you to bring her son to her. and if she's like the crazies in my life, she'd b/tch about how you did it or that you took too long. (is my frustration showing much? lol)

If it's an ongoing problem for her to pick up her son, maybe think about changing him to a school closer to your house. If you went to court, the Judge would either give her primary custody & let him go to school near her or give your DH custody & let him go to school near him... or worse case, the Judge could order your DH to transport all the time, which I would think is completely unfair but you never know what will happen when you go to court.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2010 at 2:07PM
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"If it's an ongoing problem for her to pick up her son, maybe think about changing him to a school closer to your house."

Ima, he does go to school in our district. DH has residential custody for schooling purposes. This means that SS goes to OUR district.

Which is what I am super concerned about...I'm actually going to start a fresh post about this issue, as I am unsure what to do.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2010 at 1:07PM
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