How much responsibility should I take for boyfriends child?
I met my boyfriend almost 18 months ago and we started living together after only a few months. He has a 10 year old daughter who used to visit every weekend (1 night), but because of his a change in his career she now stays over only once a month, but he see's her for a few hours on other weekends.
He is very touchy on the subject of my relationship with her and he expects that I love her as much as he does. I have tried to expalin that although i think she is lovely, I will never feel the same way about her as he does and this he truely cannot understand. He includes her in everything even our recent discussions about buying a house together, he thinks she should get a say in the house we buy - whereas my opinion is that we are the ones to decide and she fits is with us. I'm not sure if I have it all wrong and that's why I am writng here.
My boyfriend and I are both 40 and I have a professional career and hope to have a baby with him soon (we had a miscarriage last month) and I have not had children before. I do not see myself as his daughters step-mom - I'm not sure if this is simply because we are not married.
I guess my problem is that my boyfriend and I see things differently in relation to his daughter. From the very beginning he took me to his daugters "exchange" where unbeknown to me I was to meet his ex. I soon began to loath the exchange - having to smile and say hi to his ex twice every weekend. I felt I did not need to be there, and was happy for him to go and pick up his daughter and bring her home and this is when I consdered out weekend with her to begin. BUT he thinks that me not going is not supporting him - and it is a big issue. To me is is only trying to show something to his ex - and I dont want to be invloved in their games (she has remarried).
All our fights revolve around his daugther and I feel that he expects too much from me. Because he has to work most saturday nights (and most other nights, which means I hardly get to see him any more) in order to spend more time with his daughter he now expects me to baby sit her from 4pm till bedtime, while he works till 3pm. All so he can get up in the morning and she is here. I have told him that she should be looked after by the mother if he is unable to take care of her and he can pick her up in the morning. Why should I, the girlfriend, have to give up my saturday night to babysit while the mother has the night off? Is it wrong to think like this and should I adopt a more communial spirit? I know that my boyfriend spends less time with her now compatred to before, but he knew this would happen when he chose his new job (it was in motion even before I met him). Why is it suddenly my responsibility to step in and give up my time just so he can have more time with her? I told him I did not want to baby sit - I work long hours and my time off should be my own if I am not with him or with him and her, but he tells me that I have not accepted him as a man with a daughter and that I do not crave or desire to be with her. The truth is I do not crave to be with her, but I am happy to be with her and him on the days that he see's her. I think he is a wonderful father and I know he will be just as wonderful to our own kids. But is he abusing my love for him (and yes, he is selfish)? I am just a little unsure about what my responsabilities are and what is reasonably expected of me when it comes to his child?
Hope you can help,