husband inappropriate

willabeeAugust 25, 2011

last night i asked my husband and daughter if they wanted me to set up a play date with another dad and little girl she's played with before.

He said he didn't want to then he said "why don't you ever make me a playdate with a girl with big breasts and fantastic sex drive".

i said that's inappropriate and he agreed.

I am really mad at him. And I think we should go to family counseling because that's not something you say to a 9 year old girl. Ever. He has a daughter too but she doesn't live with us.

Please tell me what you think. I'm going to show this to him. Thank you.

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He said that in front of your 9 year old DD?

I would divorce him. Seriously. If he feels comfortable saying that around her in front of you, what would he feel comfortable saying (or, worse, doing) without you around?

I wouldn't want my daughter (and I have a 9 yr old DD) entering her tween/teen years living in a house with a man like that. No way.

People sometimes say things they shouldn't but this falls into a whole different category. Creepy.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2011 at 9:34AM
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"I would divorce him"

Wow, apparently you have a "zero tolerance policy" towards husbands. Yes, it was completely 100% inappropriate...but he did agree to that.

Sometimes we ALL (women too) say/do stupid things. It was a half-assed attempt at humor, and he admitted it was a stupid thing to say. You don't think instant divorce is a little over the top? Unless you are flawless and never say/do anything wrong, you are seriously overreacting.

And yes I have a daughter.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2011 at 10:05AM
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I'm not flawless nor do I have a zero-tolerance policy at all.

My DH and I have worked through some big issues in our marriage. We have not jumped to divorce and I don't expect we will.

BUT I cannot imagine him EVER saying ANYTHING like that---talking about big breasts and a fantastic sex drive????---in front of my 9 yr old DD.

Like I said, I know people slip up and say stupid things but this to me is way beyond that.

It falls way out of my own comfort zone. But that's just MY opinion.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2011 at 10:14AM
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I agree that it was inappropriate but I think divorce is a little extreme. You guys talked about it and he agreed that it was inappropriate as well. Just tell him to keep his adult humor between adults.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2011 at 10:50AM
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thank you all. i'm kind of in shock and don't want to talk to family because they judge and then will never forgive.

divorce is not out of the question (my daughter comes first) but I don't think he's a pedophile just innappropriate.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2011 at 11:12AM
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I you were in the 'dating' stage and the guy popped off with that statement in front of a child, yeah, he'd be dumped in a heartbeat.

I'm really not sure exactly what I would say/think if my Dh said it because it is not something he would say. Like Love said, my Dh just never would. In fact it's not a statement he would make to me even with no child present.

Are there other similar types of comments from your Dh that you have found inappropriate? I'm guessing so if you're first thought to one 'oops' is 'lets go get counseling'. While I get you/Dh discussed it afterwards, what did your Dh say to daughter aftger his stupid remark? I think what he said to her after making such a crude comment is just as important as he acknowledging to you that it was inappropriate.

How long have you been married?

    Bookmark   August 25, 2011 at 11:41AM
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he said I'm sorry that was innappropriate. we've been married five years. right, if we were dating it would be over. but we're a family, him, me, our two girls (even if his dd doesn't live with us).

it's weird because he is very proper with his family but with mine he sometimes says really inappropriate things. I don't think he thinks it through. My family is more relaxed than his (socially).

It was a poor attempt at a joke. It's not make-or break but has really made me take pause.

Of course there have been other things- every relationship has them (i probably need counsling as much as he does) but nothing to my daughter like this.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2011 at 11:55AM
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I would make it very clear that you NEVER want him to say anything sexual like that again around your daughter. And if he does then theres going to be major trouble.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2011 at 10:06PM
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I have to agree with LH, it's beyond just inappropriate. I'm not sure instant divorce but I would make sure my daughter was never alone with him. That kind of comment is not something you blurt out without thinking... and if you do, what else is he capable of doing without thinking. Most people have a clue about what is appropriate or not... and I can understand saying something & it comes out wrong so it sounds inappropriate but that's not the feeling I get with this one. I agree... creepy! (it sounds like a severe boundary problem)

Some people do or say things without thinking. If he's that way, I'd keep a close eye on him for that reason. Acknowledging after the fact that it is inappropriate is all good & well, but if my husband slapped me & then realized immediately it wasn't the right thing to do, I'd question it & re-evaluate the relationship... because then I know he has the capacity to do something like that & that changes everything.

That's just my 2 cents for what it's worth.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2011 at 11:51PM
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If my DH were to say something like that in private, away from the child... I think I might still have a problem with it. What kind of husband jokes about something like that?

    Bookmark   August 26, 2011 at 12:58AM
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I think there's two parts to what he said - first to have said this at all in front of a nine year old child is completely inappropriate, as everyone has said.

The second part is what exactly did he mean by setting up a playdate with a "girl"? If it was just a very poor attempt at humor, and you are positive that he meant something along the lines of a 25 year old "girl", that's one thing. I know some adults, especially some with borderline Aspberger's(sp?) who try to make jokes sometimes and quite often it ends up being wildly inappropriate or not at all funny to most others.

(I would also take into account who DH is around - does he work with guys who tend to be, well, pigs, and your DH has become so accustomed to making or hearing raunchy lewd jokes all day that he just forgot where he was and who his audience was?)

But if you have reason to suspect that your DH in any way, shape or form actually meant that he might find a child sexually attractive, regardless of whether or not he was joking about setting up a playdate, we'd all either be in counseling tomorrow or I'd be gone. Or both.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2011 at 10:20AM
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I can't believe some of you are now going down the path like this guy may have pedophile tendencies god, he said a dumb thing, we all agree on that, don't read too much into it.

BTW - I'm a 47 year old man...I still refer to 'females' around my age as "girls" do many people my age I would think. To try to make something out of his choice of words there is insane.

Even the OP said that there has been "nothing to my daughter like this" in the past. Jeez calm down, the guy makes an ill-advised attempt at a joke and according to some people here he should be instantly divorced, and be watched closely in case he's a pedophile.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2011 at 10:31AM
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Yeah, I know guys can be stupid around other guys, but this particular guy OP says never ever says stupid comments that are inappropriate around his own family...just hers. So he obviously knows when to mind his mouth and his manners.

Perhaps he does just feel more comfortable to make off the wall comments around OP's family because they are more accepting of it (more relaxed as she says), but still whatever he is saying bothering OP. I'm curious if OP has mentioned these comments to DH before now when something was actually said in front of a child?

Maybe a sit down with DH and talking about what he has said to your family that you fnd inappropriate and/or offensive and why you feel the comments are out of place. If he is capable of thinking twice when in front of his family he is capable of thinking twice before opening his mouth in front of OP's family.

Until now (after the child incident) is he even aware you've had issues with what he says and to who? If OP's family is more relaxed perhaps he also hears someone of them make crude comments and things that are inappropriate. Perhaps OP just has never thought about things her DH might hear her own family say (they are her family she is use to them and their ways)...or is Dh the only one in the setting saying crude/inappropriate things?

Two more cents to think about.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2011 at 11:39AM
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hi everyone. thanks for answering me.

gardencat, I did what you said and told him 'this is what is going to happen, you are never going to say anything sexual in front of _______ my daughter again'. He agreed immediately and then I said 'and I am going to take what you said as a joke, albeit not a funny or appropriate one' and he said yes it wasn't funny. And that was it. he's really embarassed. I think he knows how horrible it sounded.

@Mkropy thank you its nice to get a mans perspective. He says 'girls and guys' for 'women and men'. I do that a lot too. He's never said anything sexually inappropariate in front of my dd before or ever done anything before.

he doesn't have aspergers. he doesn't work around pigs. He's in a highly technical field and works around nerds and geek.

My family isn't crude or rude or gross or innappropriate. when he's around my religious part of my family he acts like he does around his family. Around the more relaxed ones, he has said things that are innappropriate (but not sexually inapppropriate).

" If he is capable of thinking twice when in front of his family he is capable of thinking twice before opening his mouth in front of OP's family."

I can't think of any examples. But when he does I tell him. And I can tell he's sorry/feels dumb. I think he got some of that from his dad. He wasn't raised with his mom, she died and it was just him and his dad and his dad was kind of rough around the edges. IYKWIM. So he knows right when it happens.

and we joke a lot too, maybe it's not funny to some of you but like the other day he called and said he was coming early and I said oh shoots I'd better hurry to get the pool boy gone. Or he will say if I'm not staying over at someone's house but coming home that night "better cancel the dancing girls". Not every time but we do joke about adult stuff.

I don't think he's a peodphile if I did I wouldn't have asked anyone's advice I'd be gone. Anyone who thought their husband was abusing children thats what should be done. No questions. Questions later.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2011 at 2:04PM
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What advice were you seeking? If it's an isolated incident & all you wanted was his assurance he won't do it again, I believe you had that before you posted your question.

Besides it being inappropriate for him to say something like that in front of the child... forget the child being there for a minute... he said, to his wife that he prefers a playdate with a big breasted girl with a fantastic sex drive over one with another dad. As a WIFE, that's highly inappropriate & I fail to see the humor in it, unless of course if you have a relationship where you joke about the hot mail man's package? I don't know many wives that would see the humor and not many guys would make that sort of comment to a wife or girlfriend unless they wanted to start a fight.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2011 at 3:25PM
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First you say "I am really mad at him. And I think we should go to family counseling because that's not something you say to a 9 year old girl."

Then later on you say "and we joke a lot too, maybe it's not funny to some of you but like the other day he called and said he was coming early and I said oh shoots I'd better hurry to get the pool boy gone. Or he will say if I'm not staying over at someone's house but coming home that night "better cancel the dancing girls". Not every time but we do joke about adult stuff."

My BF and I will joke around like this too. I'll show up at his house (because I have a key) and he'll say it's a good thing I got rid of my other girlfriend before you came over. I think the kids might have even overheard some of the things we've said sometimes, but not intentionally.

But what shocks me about hubby's comment was the "fantastic sex drive" bit. Why do you want a girl with fantastic sex drive unless it's to have sex? To me that's crossing the line. My BF might joke about having another girl - but he would never go into detail and say she has a great sex drive or likes to have lots of sex.
But then again, if you have the type of relationship where you're able to joke with each other like that, it should not be a problem. So I'm a little confused. At first it seemed like you had a real problem with his comment. You said if he said this when you were dating it would be over. But then you say the two of you joke around like this all the time. So why does this comment bother you but the others don't? Like immamommy said, what advice were you looking for?

I think there's more going on than this. If this was the first time my husband said something like this I would not all of sudden think we needed family counseling. I'd try to talk to him first about it. My knee jerk reaction would not be "we need family counseling". People don't even go to counseling for far, far worse situations, one little slip of the tongue does not make me want to run to a family counselor. Unless there are other issues going on...

    Bookmark   August 26, 2011 at 9:29PM
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You two discussed this and your ok with his assurance that he won't say anything like this again. And I bet he won't.Just one of those things no harm done.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2011 at 11:33PM
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I didn't ask for advice I asked what you thought.

I asked what you thought because I wanted to know from unbiased people if I was overreacting or under-reacting. You have all helped.

Of course there's more going on. But nothing that would show light on this more. Just an incident in a pretty drama-free life, so i wanted to make sure i wasn't crazy. and because i didn't know what to say and that's what came out. I was so mad but didn't want to have a big fight, wanted clarity. And I got it.

Good question why this bothered me but others didn't. I think because others were private, adult comments between us. Almost affirming our dedication as we both know the other isn't doing anything. Backward logic but...

@ Gardencats, thank you you are very logical.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2011 at 7:49PM
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I can see what you mean. My GRANDFATHER just said the other day that he picked up a hot 31 year old 'gal' on the side of the road and took her home. Said she's really nice, even though she has a lot of tattoos and a crazy ex-boyfriend.

I replied that I think 31 is a little too old for him, girls with tattoos are always more fun to be around, and I was glad he enjoyed dinner at our house because it'd probably be his last.

This is my republican, golfing, country club, tennis-set grandfather. Very uptight, but will make a joke (he likes to make his kids squirm, but since I'm not related by blood but marriage I think he's a hoot).

He was happily married over 65 years.

And my DH and I will joke about things too. I was supposed to be somewhere once (but wasn't) and joked that "you caught me, I was with my boyfriend" to DH.

All fun and games until something is said in front of a kid. BUT... his words were a little crass and crude and rude and disrespectful too...


    Bookmark   August 27, 2011 at 8:55PM
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