i am confused

amber3379August 28, 2013

Ok well I have done the damage? Long story short I am in my second marriage on the brink of divorce. Have an 11 yr old daughter from my first marriage. Anyway I met my second husband when she was a year old he's been here ever since. now he wants to divorce because I made him feel like we weren't a family because I didnt give him rights to her if something were to happen to me. I'm not sure what to think about this.

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Have you two discussed this topic before or is this a new topic? Is her father in the picture at all? If he has raised her since she was a year old what is holding you back from letting him become her father by law?

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 7:15AM
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We have discussed it quite a few times...well I'm afraid that's what holds me back my mother threatens me I get pressure from both sides my husband said I should of done what I thought was right and he was right but instead I shut down. No her father has never been in the picture. I have asked before if he would of considered adoption, but he says I wasn't adopted I don't need rights to her all the time.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 7:30AM
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And at the time he asked me to make out a will my ex husband still had parental rights not sure if he does now . it's a complicated situation her father lives in another country

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 7:36AM
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This makes no sense, your second husband wants to divorce because you wonâÂÂt give him âÂÂrightsâ to your daughter from your previous marriage? What does he mean âÂÂrightsâÂÂ?

But he wonâÂÂt adopt her? I'm guessing he wants visitation rights in case of divorce, understandable since he's been in your daughter's life since she was a baby, but if he wants that he needs to adopt her. He probably knows if he adopts her, then he's on the hook for child support.

Why is your husband asking you to make out a will? Are you wealthy or will you inherit a lot of money? Why are you not sure if your exH still has rights to your daughter or not? You should know if they were taken away or not.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 8:25AM
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No all I have is my daughter... no money no assets. I don't know if he still has rights because we had a 2 yr long divorce 1 because he is from England and lives there and haven't heard from or seen him in 10 yrs and I'm not quite sure how the law deals with that. rights to make decisions and become her father by law that's what my husband means by rights to her. Yes I know it's quite confusing. I don't understand what my husband is trying to say

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 8:45AM
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I also feel my husband is being ridiculous about all of this I have never treated him as if he never belonged or wasn't a father. Ever! I was a step parent in my first marriage. So I do kind of understand but never had issues like this

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 8:52AM
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Point is I don't want him to go! my daughter loves him to death as do I.... he says it's to late to fix it nothing I can say or do. He has to sort it out on his own. I just needed to talk with someone anyone that's why I am here

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 9:13AM
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Thanks for the explanation on your exH.

You donâÂÂt understand what your husband means by âÂÂrightsâ to your daughter, and you feel that you have never treated him as if he wasn't part of the family.

I donâÂÂt think itâÂÂs a matter of youâÂÂre right and heâÂÂs wrong or vise versa, it sounds to me like the two of you just donâÂÂt know how to communicate.

If you donâÂÂt understand what your husband is trying to say you need to ASK him what he means.

IâÂÂm sorry youâÂÂre going through this. It sounds like this has been building up for some time and now your husband has reached his breaking point. Your husband must be really unhappy and/or feel things canâÂÂt be fixed for some reason.

You say instead of acting on what you felt was right you âÂÂshut downâÂÂ. Is this how you normally handle problems? Is having "rights" to your daughter the only complaint your husband has or are there other things? If your husband was to post on here, what do you think he would say?

While this board is good for talking and venting, I donâÂÂt think talking on here will fix the kind of issues you are having. You are welcome to vent on here, but if you really want to fix your marriage I suggest the two of you go to marriage counseling.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 10:01AM
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No we don't and he refuses to talk to anyone. if he were to post on here he would say it was me who did all of this and to a point he is right I really had no idea that he felt this way he let's it build up till it's to late and yes there are other issues which he said werent as important as this one and he could get through it. we just have a lot of growing up to do I didn't want to make the same mistakes in this marriage as I did in the first. But looks like I did.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 10:20AM
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And I don't runaway I just don't like to be threatened i want to talk about this with him and try to see his pov but he gives dodgy allusive answers or just doesn't talk at all. I'm all for saving this he just isn't sure. It's a roller coaster for all of us

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 10:28AM
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I'm sorry too. I wish this wasn't happening but wishes are like yeah you know the rest. So I guess we just have to keep praying and take each day as it comes.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 10:48AM
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What does he threaten you with? If he's abusive then you're better off without him.

>>I really had no idea that he felt this way he let's it build up till it's to lateThis relationship was doomed to failure. You had no idea he felt this way and he kept it all in and expected you to be able to read his mind I guess. If he's clamming up when you ask for clarification that's not your fault. He sounds quite passive aggressive.

I understand you want to save your marriage, but sometimes we have to recognize when we are trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. Some people are just not meant to be together.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 11:23AM
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If he wants to become her father by law, he would have to adopt her.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 12:34PM
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Setting aside the issue with your husband for now, the issue of making a will and establishing who will have guardianship of your daughter if you should die is very important. If you die, do you want a father she hasn't seen in 10 years to have guardianship over her, uproot her and move her to a different country to live with a family she hasn't seen in 10 years?

Your will may never be needed, but if you die it may be terribly important. You should consult an attorney if you can.

As far as your husband is concerned, no one here knows if the damage is too great or not. I can see why your husband would be taken aback to realize that he has financially supported your daughter and acted as a father to her for 10 years and that one day, if you die, he could lose even the right to visit her. If your mom is threatening you, then it sounds like your mom and your husband don't have the greatest relationship and there may be issues between them regarding your daughter if you should die.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I imagine it may not be easy to get all this sorted out. Consulting an attorney, drawing up a will, contacting your daughter's biological father and getting the proper documents signed, etc., is probably expensive, awkward and time consuming. I hope you can work things out.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 2:04PM
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Not physically abusive. It seems him threatening to file for divorce and kicking me out and blaming me for everything that has gone wrong is more like emotional abuse. Don't think he's doing it intentionally. But it's still wrong.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 2:09PM
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It is expensive time consuming the amount of time it took to get divorced from my first husband and getting my daughter a certificate of citizenship was a nightmare. I don't know where her father is now, my mother and husband have never seen eye to eye on anything she threatens to petition the court for custody of my daughter. And even if I did have a will the court will still do what's best for the child and I do believe at 14 they can choose where they want to live. I've said I would sign him as a guardian but it's to little to late he says

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 2:21PM
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Well I just made out a living trust and come to find out if her father is still living she will go to him if I should become incapacitated or die regardless. let's hope nothing happens to me.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 3:12PM
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It's not true that at age 14 a child can decide where they want to live. Trust me, I've done a lot of research into this when I was dating a guy who wanted custody of his son, and he thought 12 was the "magic" age when a child could decide. The truth is the older a child is the more weight a judge will give a child's preference however, ultimately the judge will rule in what is in the best interests of the child. A child can not unilaterally decide where they want to live until they are 18.

Daisyinga had a good point though that you should have a will drawn up. I know it's a hassle, but you should consult with an attorney to see what your options are.

It may be your husband is hurt that he has been a father to your daughter all this time but realizes it can be snatched away from him at any moment. He might be reacting out of hurt more than anything.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 3:17PM
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I know and I've been doing a lot of thinking made out my living trust. I do love this man even though it's been rough for awhile now he's been here through it all he deserves some appreciation for all he's done

    Bookmark   August 28, 2013 at 3:43PM
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Glad you made out a living trust. I hope nothing happens to you for it to be needed. Good luck to you, Amber.

    Bookmark   August 30, 2013 at 8:10AM
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