absolutely torn please help

sljl060908August 1, 2011

where to begin with this post is hard to know�

I got with hubby 5 years ago and he had a son 12 years old. I was only 20 years old and my hubby was 31.

Hubby at the time had 2 years previous had a vasectomy. He had a reversal and it hasn�t worked so soon due to go for IVF. Being 20 I fell in love with my hubby accepted his son and tried to be a �happy little family�

Things were good for 5 months and then the son got back in contact with his biological mum and ended up wanting to go back and live with her.

Anyway we couldn�t afford the 3 bed house so had to move into a small 1 bed flat, my husband was distraught that his son had left and gone to his mum who had dumped her own child on his doorstep 7 years before that and not bothered to contact him. We started to try and build our lives and we had a great 2 years travelling etc and we got married. We invited his son to the wedding who broke down in tears on our wedding day saying he wanted to come back and live with us (he was 14)

Anyway two months went by and then we had a phone call from his bio mum saying he wants to come back and live with us before I knew it he was back.

We had just got a 2 bedroom house which I saved for and his son had caught wind of us getting a 2 bed house and asked his mum to call.

Things were not rosy at all. His son has ADHD and ODD and he came back with many issues, some issue were there before anyway.

His dad went into meltdown onto a dark cave of depression leaving me to work full time, come home and cook for and care for his son who I�d only know in total 5 months a few years before.Our marriage suffered greatly, my husband wasn�t eating, sleeping or getting into the same bed as me�this went on for over a year.

His son would tell lies and cause many arguments. He stole his dads motorbike once and only after the neighbours told us he was racing it up and down the road we knew he was lying ( I knew also I can tell when he is lying) He�s been arrested twice, once accused of sexually abusing a 4 year old-never went anywhere no evidence and then again sexual abusing a vulnerable adult male ( he forced this man to suck his ****) again lack of evidence. I had seven police officers ransack my home looking for evidence, his son was taken off for questioning and later returned, he seemed cool, calm and collected not like someone who had been wrongly accused of sexually assaulting someone. Turns out a few years before I met hubby he�d been in a similar situation accused of sexually touching another child, we once had a call from his school saying he was masturbating on the bus in front of other kids! he gives me the creeps he�s very touchy feely and I hate what may appear to some people as a loving nature it makes me feel sick. Its not just me who cant get on with him, my hubby and him have no �father/son� relationships. He is a compulsive liar, and has walked in and out of our lives leaving to move in with girlfriends, he got his first girlfriend pregnant at 16 and moved out for two weeks stropping because she couldn�t stay over at our house every night. ~He then returned, leaving again a few months later to go and work with the fair, to be fair this has messed our money around, everytime it feels like we are building our lives he comes crashing in and my hubby jumps to his demands. My hubby gives him what he wants for an easy life. His son doesn�t wash he�s filthy dirty all the time and goes around scrounging what he can, he has no intention of getting a job, been to two colleges in one year and cant be bothered. The last argument me and hubby had was about his son telling outside friends he had no clothers, money, food etc. so my hubby gave him ALL his clothes this made me angry, we had a big row and then his son went and sold the brand name clothes, he was that �desperate� for clothes. Its rubbish he has nice clothes etc, he ruins them.

Anyway a few weeks ago he returned from the fair, previous to this it was agreed that he wouldn�t be returning to our home to live as he was causing chaos coming in and out. Anyway hes now back under our roof, we have no money for him and we are struggling financially, hubby is frantically searching for a motorbike for him using our back up money (so his son can get a job, which is very unlikely) this is causing problems, his son is demanding and seems to be getting what he wants he�s 17 and isn�t being made to learn that things don�t come for free, you have to work for them. Before he came back me and my husband were happy and calm it now seems its going back to the way its always been. I long for my own child and all I ever get is �when you�re a mum you will understand� I still know whats right and wrong. None of my family trust his son because he�s stolen from them and caused problems. I feel like the evil stepmother because his son has lost my trust, I want my husband to stand up for himself and our relationship do right by his son and get him to grow up, I am so sad and lonely feel like the outsider in this equation supposed to be having IVF in a few months maybe there wont be any need because I feel so resentful towards his son I might have to take myself out of this situation, last time it made me physically and mentally ill. Its hard to describe everything in words but I love my husband so much, I understand it his son and he is more improtant but my opinions do not even count. My hubbys last partner left because of his son, I would never give him an ultimatum I would just go can anyone help me I l love this man so much with all my heart and I so want to like his son but I just can�t.

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First of all, you have my sympathy. Deep breath, give yourself a big hug...

You say you love him. The question is, does he love you? I would never allow someone I love to be abused like this.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2011 at 11:39AM
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This young man's problems go far beyond immaturity. The worst is that he appears to be a sexual predator.

Beyond that, your husband also has issues, not just as a parent but in regards to his own despair and depression. At the very least, your husband needs counseling and medical treatment.

Please do not pursue IVF until you are 100% sure these issues are resolved. Currently your husband is totally unsuited for the duties of fatherhood.

You just cannot bring a child into this unstable and unhealthy environment. Imagine the physical and emotional risks with a sibling like your stepson.

If being a mother is crucial to you, my best suggestion would be to find a different spouse.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2011 at 11:51AM
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Good points Readinglady.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2011 at 12:53PM
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thanks for comments hes just giving me the cold shoulder, why cant i walk away im terrified it really really hurts.......me an dhim alone are happy, soulmates maybe its all in my head!

    Bookmark   August 1, 2011 at 4:34PM
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You keep saying how wonderful everything else when SS isn't there. I was married for ten years and what I've learned is that it's easy to be happy in a marriage when things are good. It's when things are going bad that you can tell if a marriage is good or not.

You've mentioned several issues: your husband lets his son drag you down financially, your husband gives his son whatever he wants, your husband suffers from depression, does not value your opinion, gives you the cold shoulder, etc. These are not issues with your SS, these are issues with your HUSBAND.

Your husband is nine years older than you and you got married when you were 20, which is still quite young. I can say that because I'm 34 and realizing how much I still have to learn. I got married when I was your age and I can say I am not the same person I was when I was 20.

You think that if SS would go away everything would be just fine. But your marriage needs to stand up to stresses like this one, otherwise it is not going to last.

Supose SS goes away and never comes back? Will everything be perfect? Supose your husband loses his job and gets so depressed to the point that he lays in bed all day and you have to take care of him? Will everything be perfect then? Supose the IVF does not work out, that can cause stress in the marriage as well. I'm not wishing these things on you or trying minizing the seriousness of depression, but don't think just because SS magically disappears you will never ever have a serious problem in your life that does not affect your marriage. Marriage needs to stand up to whatever problems life gives you.

If ya'll can't handle the stresses that SS is putting on your marriage, it's time to realize it's the marriage and not the problems that's the issue.

I only say this because it's what I realized in my marriage. I kept saying if only my husband got a better job things would be better. I finally realized the problem was not my husband getting a better job, it was that my husband could not control his spending. My husband was the problem. I can now say he is my ex-husband now.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2011 at 5:28PM
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Slij, I will tell you what I tell my DD9.

The ONLY thing we are in control of in this world is our body. (if we are lucky enough for that!). We control what we say, we control what we do. We control our reactions and our actions.

We will never be able to fully control another person or situation. Life is out of control.

Do you put yourself in the car with someone who has shown disregard for your health? Perhaps. But will you buckle your baby in the back seat too? Most will say no.

If you are not healthy, your baby will not have very good potential for health either. I mean, physical, mental health.

I don't know why you can't walk away. I would guess you are afraid of what might happen.

What is the worst case scenario? You don't have to tell me, but think of it. Is the worst that you would be alone? Never find someone as (cute, funny, loving, smart, whatever) as he is? Financial?

Whatever it is, think of that. Then think of a solution. Tuck that solution away and use it to reassure yourself whenever you get scared of that again.

BELIEVE ME. There are so many people in the world, you will find someone you like more, and who actually LIKES you enough to set you free rather than potentially bring another baby into a child-molesting situation.

When I left my fiancee at 22, the man I thought I'd marry, the man who I found so handsome and wonderful.... I thought I'd never find anyone else. Well, I married a stinker after that... and divorced him. After wasting 4 more years on him than I should have because I was scared. And then left him... with a three year old baby in tow. Talk about hard.

And now I'm remarried and happy.

Worst case scenario is you're alone. Now imagine being alone, but with a baby. And having to share that baby's care with someone who is giving you a cold shoulder.

Soulmates is just a word. So is respect. Figure out which means more to you. It doesn't have to be an either/or....

    Bookmark   August 1, 2011 at 5:33PM
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Thanks foR your honest replies I'm frightened of making a mistake of leaving him my feelings are so strong him but in perspective I don't feel my husband has the same commitment as I do. He's had a much different life to me he lost his mum at 13 and his dad at 15 he naturally sees the worst in everything. Hes never dealt with any issues and has a long list of people he must seek revenge on. He's always joking ss isn't his child to me and I feel ge isn't 100% sure. I do appreciate your comments xxx even hf some of them are hard to hear and probably the truth

    Bookmark   August 1, 2011 at 6:20PM
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Just had a bug row he saud if I gave him an ultimatum I'd be out the Dior he'd choose his son he said he's fed up of me nagging and he's helping his son get his first bike and me and my family are evil because we dint like his son

    Bookmark   August 1, 2011 at 8:44PM
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Well, there's your answer. Clearly he doesn't consider that you are HIS soulmate.
I'm so sorry for you but also glad for you that this happened before you went into IVF. Go home to your family, regroup, and relaunch yourself into this big wide world for a new adventure, a better one. Stay strong, and I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2011 at 3:25AM
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wow SS sounds scary....And your DH is not helpful. I agree with others, start a new life. Good luck

    Bookmark   August 2, 2011 at 8:41AM
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thanks for your replies, he sent me a really nice message todya (its our 5 year anniversary) saying how he loves me and these 5 years have been the best years of his life.??? i think he's mad I slept ALONE in bed crying last night wondering what the hell to do then he sends me a nice text... I feel this situation will never improve it never has and I've been stupid to stay Ive threatned to leave before and never carried it out I dont think he thinks I have the strength to go. Its frightening, leaving someone you love after all the hopes and dreams I had for us it really p**** me off.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2011 at 9:24AM
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I am very sorry you are going through this. It is hard to give up hope.

Your husband was very clever to send you that loving message. If he does that 10% of the time, the odds are good that you will stick with the marriage and he still gets 90% of the time to follow his usual behaviors.

It's like slot machines. They pay off once-in-a-while, mainly in small amounts, but that's enough to keep people shoving the money in, hoping for the big payoff. Works every time.

If you can stay mad, that might be your best defense.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2011 at 6:41PM
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I can't emphasize it enough that you should NOT pursue IVF. You and your husband are in no position to have a child. Besides, I would never bring a child into this situation with your stepson. He could very well become violent.

Do you have family that you could stay with? This might be the best time to leave, you're still young and you can make a good life for yourself. Would you rather be happy alone or miserable with your DH? It's your choice.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2011 at 8:20PM
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