And They Came Back After the Summer

ladyknight71August 8, 2012

I am a custodial stepmother my youngest still lives with us BS 15, SD 12, and SS 10. They just came back today. Yesterday bm was telling us we needed family counseling because SC don't want to come back and live with us and the tension in the house (which she causes a lot of it). SS is ADHD and asthmatic she did not buy him any medicine when they were down there and when he came back still had half a month left (3 months with her) she said he twisted his ankle and couldn't take him to hospital because she did not have a card which we could have easily faxed and said we refused to send his glasses which he "forgot" to pack. Then SD comes home with 5 inch platform heels (another pair is in the mail) and bm says that is the way sd wants to be and we should let her be herself sd tried to get us to buy them and we would not. Bm is married to a marine and he just got sent overseas and says she is going to sue us for custody with the money he gets (she moved to different state). SC would rather live with her and says she going to have them talk to judge so they can. bm says her kids think there is a double standard to her kids and mine there is on both sides but part of it is age and my son has ADHD and aspersers and goes to special school. All kids are treated differently even if they are your own because they are all different people. And SC like me a little but bm lets them know it should be her raising them not me so we can't ever get really get close though I would love that. Ok now after long story the questions I have.

1) Do we fight and have them resent us until there 18 IL law (my answer is yes but I wonder if it is right)? Bm is on 3rd husband and 5th child I am afraid that she will do what she did before to 1st husband and send them back when she cannot handle them.

2) I do not want to be seen with SD 12 in 5 inch heels and I think DH would let her because bm bought them. I know it would be seen as a reflection of how I am raising them if it is seen. I do not want to go out to dh's birthday dinner knowing she will be in the heels should I let it go and just go or what?

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think I'd slow down a bit in the OMG panic mode. They just got back from a summer of a different lifestyle with different rules, routines, and priorities...they are bound to be full of new ideas and a sense of new found freedoms that will take a bit of adjustment period for things to go back to 'normal'.

For starters, BM is full of big plans. At this point, that's all it is, big plans coming off a summer with her kids. If and/or when she actuals proceeds to pursue custody changes, then DH/you sit down with a lawyer and dicuss your options. Perhaps even discuss your concerns of 'resentment' ect with a childhood/teen specialist so you can weigh the pros/cons in a manner that truly takes in how it all could affect the children.

For two, just because BM thinks this is a great idea at the moment, I'm going to assume there is a reason the mother does not have custody presently. I'm also going to assume that a carefree summer with the kids is entirely different than what it takes to raise five children fulltime during a regular school year (not that she maybe is not capable of raising five at once as lots of mothers do, but rather has she really thought out what the custody change would mean 24/7 365). It kinda sounds like she could not afford medical care and medicines, I doubt she's thought yet about feeding and clothing them along with cost of activities ect on a fulltime basis, not to mention custody cases can be very costly.

Third, are the children just now developing this new desire to live with Mom because they like her house rules better and think life will be a breeze at Mom's (woohoo, we'll get to do whatever we please at Mom's, no chores, no rules, cool shoes blah blah). Kinda the ol' the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

As far as the shoes, hopefully it's the forbidden fruit that will become ackward and nonsensible shortly. Does your school district's middle school even allow the footwear? While are middle school does not state 'no platform heels', they do state footwear must not interfer with learning process and child's safety. In other words, if shoes cause too much student buzz and/or kid can't safely walk up and down the stairs and across the lunchtime break area the school will not allow the footwear.

Do I think a 12 yr old belongs in platform heels? No really. It would depend on the shoe I suppose. If I did allow them it would likely also have conditions set as to where and when my daughter could wear them. Lucky for me my little one who will be 13 by the end of this year thinks most the 'trendy' shoes she's seeing in the stores such as the platforms (which are everywhere right now) are ugly or gaudgy. But she is also at the age where a whole new set of styles and choices are opening up to her as she goes from child sizes to women size shoes. Pretty similar with the clothing. Going from the girls department to now the juniors department. It's been a bit of a OMG for me, but so far shopping for this school season has gone better than I feared it might. We're compromising well and as I stated she's not into 'trendy' all that much.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2012 at 5:18AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

We have been at this for 3 years now. They did not think it was fair bm had to move away she tells them it was not her fault she had to move that her new husband got transfered and that we should follow her to NC (we are in IL)and have told us we should get jobs there because it is not fair to her because she really didn't want to leave them! She had a choice she left took big sis, big bro and little sis now big sis which was free babysitting moved in with her bf and big bro couldn't be handled and got sent back to BF were he went to juvie. Now all she has left at home is a 6 year old. She has plenty of money her husband is and E8 and she is a bank manager. If the kids want it she buys it. I worry that SD will end up pregant by the time she is 14 because bm and her talk about guys bodies and she has half naked guys on her phone and bm encourges it and the skimpy outfits(one pair of shorts you could see her underwear). I don't want to send her down and then have her come back with kid. As for the SS10 he hates all rules and none are meant for him meds are bad school is bad life is horrible he loves it there because of the freedom he is allowed but I dont want to be called and told that he is dead because of him not taking meds that bm does not make him do(asthma does kill took an 18 year old last night in the hospital I work at).
We have talked to a lawyer and says no lawyer should take her case she would have to prove the kids get to spend 245 days with him because that is what we have now.
I like his kids but sometimes parts of me just want to say go live with her but I don't want to take care of them when they come back out of control.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2012 at 6:11AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I assumed as she did not purchase meds nor take SS to dr because she had no insurance card that she was financially worse than she actually is. My bad.

The more you post the more I see exactly why you fear. Sad about the mother/daughter relationship being more like 'buddies' and Mom re-living her youth through her bud the young daughter. You're stuck in a hardspot between really caring about what happens to these children or giving in and letting them go inwhich you know deep down is not really in their best interest. What kind of mother has one in juvie and yaks naked men with a 12 yr old!

Mom sounds a bit unrealistic and all about me me me. Considering the economy and the job nose dive since 2008, I certainly can't say I blame you for not ditching jobs and following this mother. For that matter, I'd not ditch my home, job and stable lifestyle period just because this lady chose to follow her latest man and move cross country. Unrealistic thinking that Dad should just pack up his family and follow her around the country. Bottomline, Mom dumped her kids for a man. If her kids were oh so important to her she'd have figured out a different solution to start with once she realized her kids were not going with her.

--"I like his kids but sometimes parts of me just want to say go live with her but I don't want to take care of them when they come back out of control."--

Can't blame you on that one at all. If they go odds sounds good they will be very different kids if they end up getting sent back your way. If the lawyer thinks she'll have a hardtime getting somebody to take Mom's case, she'll likely have a even harder time winning the adjustment in custody. But that still leaves you/Dh in a tight spot with two kids being influenced in two very different lifestyles. That's hard for children and especially going into the pre-teen/teen years. They're not ready to make informed intelligent decisions yet in their youthful views all grown-up and know it all.

What is your husband saying about all this? He's as torn as you I'd imagine. I'm assuming he wants his children by him, wants them to have guidelines and necessary rules yet has two kids seeing Mamma's life that is poorly influencing both their health and best interest.

Why you certainly can't keep them away from Mom totally, husband might think about approaching different visitaion schedule. Summer at Mom's all in one stretch could perhaps be turned into a few smaller trips a year (giving them less inbetween time in seeing her, but her less time to do weeks worth of influencing). I'd also be monitoring SD's cellphone if I were Dad and taking it away if SD can't be trusted with it (same with any computer usage) just don't realize the dangers of misuse of these items. The girls only got six more yrs to hate Dad's rules and choices 9which he makes in her best interest whether she believes that or not) and then she can go where she pleases and do what she wants.

If this mother has been gone three years and has yet to follow through with her 'Im suing for custody' I'd bank on she really can't find anyone to take her case or that she is not serious but all talk. Sad part is her threatening about it keeps the kids torn with the false promise that Mamma is going to 'rescue' them. I think it's time she either puts up or shuts up and through husband's lawyer I'd find a way to communicate this.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2012 at 7:52AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yes, lets pack and move to follow mom to another state! Tell me she was joking please. She has some nerve.

About the heels, I wouldn't want her wearing them either. My DD15 has a cute pair that were only bought for a formal event. She hasn't worn them since! My girls do tell me that lots of students where heels at the high school but that's high school. I remember going to graduation and almost every girl walking across the stage wore what I would call 'stripper shoes'. I just couldn't believe it! But for a 12 yr old, no way.

My guess that this lady is all talk and wouldn't want the responsibility of taking care of the kids 24/7. She is just telling everyone a story to make herself feel better about the situation. Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2012 at 9:50AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
How to Prevent Adult Children Living with You
If you and your spouse are of retirement age, move...
Too much?? advice please
Hi. I am a Mum of 2- one being a step child, I am 27...
Marrying Widower with Adult Children
Somebody help me, please! I am about to marry a widower...
His ex controls the situation through the kids
I have been dating my BF for over 3 years now and his...
step adult kids
Where and how do I start.. my wife has two adult kids....
Sponsored Products
GAME 5-Color Underwater Light Show Pool Light - NA413
$29.99 | Hayneedle
Home Decorators Indoor/Outdoor Area Rug: Home Decorators Collection Rugs Faux
$69.00 | Home Depot
King Lorelei Sham Plain - LAGOON (KING)
$250.00 | Horchow
Cradle Lounge Chair
| Dot & Bo
Furniture of America Descani Brown Cherry Arm Chair (Set of 2)
Acacia Hardwood Natural Square Back Adirondack Chair
Aqua Chambray Waffle Weave Dish Towel
$6.99 | zulily
Area Rug: Renaissance Graphite 3' x 5'
Home Depot
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™