And the drama just never ends..

myfampgAugust 21, 2011

I just decided to start a new thread rather than go back and find one that had the history. Most of you know my history.

Dd has been home for a month from dad's. No phone calls, no answer or return calls, she finally quit trying to have an 'on going, constant' relationship with her dad when she isn't with him. Although I've tried to encourage her and honestly I think my attempts of being the better person have hurt her more than helped.

I haven't heard anything via email so it's been a quiet month. I think I had a few things here and there but nothing really. Until this week. Then the barrage of emails began. First with a cancellation of his weekend. He has not had her in a month and he then cancels his first weekend with her. Then he emails demading to know what school she is going to attend.... Huh? We haven't moved, there have been no changes, why would he think she is changing schools? But I politely answer and move on. Then I get the email requesting (no I should say demanding...) that I list stepmom as the emergency contact. Well, I didn't list her as the emergency. Why you ask? Because I listed him as her parent. He won't give ME a daytime phone number for him, I only have stepmom's # so why would I not only list her number in his information but then list her again, wasting a space for someone else's number? And why wouldn't I list my husband as an emergency contact? He is raising her. She lives with us. And atleast I am certain that if dad and I aren't available, my husband would make the effort to locate dad in an emergency... Stepmom, I'm not so sure. She would probably use it against me that I wasn't able to be reached.

Second issue. I am not putting Dd in daycare this year. My mom is going to be picking her up from school and taking her to lessons twice a week and on the other day, I am getting off early to pick her up. It is going to save me major $$ on childcare and I can pay my mom for her time and gas, which I would rather do. On dad's days, he will have to figure out either childcare or make sure stepmom picks her up when school is out. My second reason for not wanting to pay for childcare for his parenting days, is because he was ordered to pay medical expenses starting in July. Reimbursement of health insurance and he has yet to pay a dime. He agreed to pay it, in writing with the mediator but yet he has not sent any money. Why am I going to pay for his childcare if he can't pay what he agreed to pay? So he emails demanding to know where Dd will be after school. WHY do I even have to tell him? He doesn't tell me when she sleeps over at stepmom's ex husband's house. So why am I expected to tell him what I do on my time? He doesn't offer me right of first refusal when he has to work all day during his parenting time, he let's his wife care for her. I'm ok with this because the last thing I need him doing is expecting me to let him know everytime I go to the store and leave Dd with my husband. But why the double standard??? It's so infuriating.

Being the better person and trying to show that I am not wanting to fight, I explain to him what our plan is for this year with my mom and I sharing the responsibility. After all, our order says we both can designate a competent adult to pick up the child. He then emails and tells me that if I am not available to pick her up, that I need to give him ROFR and that his wife would be available to pick her up for him.

Now let me get this straight. If I can't pick up Dd from school, I'm supposed to call him so he can call his wife to pick her up?? Why can't my mom pick her up. If he isn't going to pick her up, how is that ROFR if his wife does it for him? And then he so kindly tells me it will be $25/ day to his wife for picking up for me.

Ummmm I do not think so....

It's just never ending. I am so tired of dealing with his drama. There is no reason for us to even be emailing right now. He has not even bothered to ask HOW our daughter is doing since it's been a month since he has seen or talked to her. All he is about is demanding. Making my life miserable. He 'speaks' to me in email like I am a child. He repeats everything back to me in a 'this is what I am hearing you say, is that right' kind of way. Like I'm 5 .... Ugh!

So here we go. A new school year. A new teacher. A new schedule. Same games.

Just venting. I don't know how to deal with this. I see myself signing back up for counseling here real soon!! I've shown his email to my Parents and a friend and all said it seems like he is trying to catch me in a lie or tryin to prove that I'm doing something I'm not supposed to be doing. Like he is baiting me. Provoking me. I do know one thing. He will not provoke me. I'm not going to attack. He can keep trying but I will not respond in a negative way in writing. I can respond in my head or out loud to myself but he will not catch me being ugly or disrespectful in an email that can be used against me... He is just ridiculous!!

Or is it his wife?? I can't really tell these days. Seems like either she has taught him well or it's her, I just don't know anymore. Ahh who cares!?

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--" He then emails and tells me that if I am not available to pick her up, that I need to give him ROFR and that his wife would be available to pick her up for him"--

Bwahahaha, that one, considering the history, is just toooo funny. And the must list Sm as emergency...I'd say email was from SM who 'demanded' emergency listing of her just last spring as school was closing for the summer.

I frankly would not answer all the emails. As there is question of who is sending them, I just would not 'play the game'. The email would get one reply "Seems there is a lot you'd like to discuss. Feel free to phone me and we can discuss your concerns".

If your phone rings and Ex really wants to address his concerns, well at least you know who you are talking to and can judge whether or not Ex gets a say in this or that 'concern'. What next? Perhaps an email addressing what you plan to feed your daughter nightly?

I'd also be tempted to write on the school papers under father's info that father is unreachable during school hours (you don't have daytime phone number)but his evening home number is blah blah in the event they may need to contact him during an evening school activity.

I really sad that daughter has been trying to contact her father for a month to just say 'hi dad' and he ignores her. That has to bit a kid. She's had a long summer, I hope she really enjoys school this year and the activities you've been able to sign her up for. My DD is in first year middle school and she's a bit overwhelmed this last week. So many changes and it's all happening so fast. Same school but new principal, different teachers all day, different's a lot to adjust to in a short time.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2011 at 6:14AM
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Yeah, sounds like your ex does have a double standard. You know what info you have to give him and what do you don't have to. Give him the information that is required and ignore the emails that ask for things you don't have to give. You know how ROFR works, you DON'T have to tell him where DD is on your time.

And that $25 for the days that his wife picks up DD? Tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine... No, don't do that... At least not in email. :) You are smart not to respond in a nasty way in email, because I've read of ex's using emails against them in court. I know it's tough being the better person, but being the better person does not mean you have to let your rights get trampled on.

It's a shame he won't respond to DD attempts to contact him. Very sad but I can relate. When we first separated my ex didn't want to spend any time with our girls. I had to push him just to spend a Saturday afternoon with them. Now he spends time with him, but in the beginning it was like pulling teeth. It's a tough situation and your heart aches for your children. Hopefully one day soon your ex wakes up and realizes he needs to spend time with his daughter.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2011 at 7:30AM
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$25 to SM??? LOL, that gave me an idea... I should make BM pay me to babysit SD after school everyday. (I'm just kidding) I think it's ridiculous for a parent to charge to care for their own child... and a designated stepparent that is watching the child for the parent should not get paid, unless the parent they are doing it for pays them. (ie. dad designates SM because he's working & it's HIS time.. he pays his own wife) To be honest, what I would do: I would tell him "If it's going to cost $25 for SM to watch DD, it might be better to have my mom watch DD because she does it because she loves DD, not for the money." (and I would not tell him what your financial arrangement is with your mom, it's none of his business unless HE is paying for it)

He can demand whatever he wants. That's what court orders are for, to determine what you have to say or do... if it's not in the court order, the only thing he can do is go back to court to ask the court to make you do what he wants. If that happens (enough times), the court will put a stop to it by making orders he won't like. The courts (IMO) tend to see who is creating the drama & they know that isn't good for the kids, so they will begin to rule against that parent. (Sometimes it takes a while for a court to see the pattern or determine WHO is making things difficult, especially if both sides are throwing mud) The more cooperative you are and the more demanding he is, will work in your favor. Ignore his stupid requests, consider what's best for your child & give his requests that are in your child's best interest some though & consideration.

If he's gone a month without seeing his child & spends more time trying to engage with you to battle him without asking how his child is, then that says a lot & you already know what it's about. The more you ignore him but make your DD available to him... then he will decide to have a relationship with his daughter or go away. It would be nice if all parents put the kids first or eventually have a wake up call so they focus on their kids, but unfortunately, some are just so filled with anger/hate/selfishness that they never do... or by the time they do, the child has resentment towards them. It's very sad.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2011 at 9:08PM
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WOW this reminds me of the time my SS's BM suggested I pay HER daughter to watch HER son for the summer..some people are unbelievable

    Bookmark   August 21, 2011 at 10:54PM
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I agree with you imma -- that's what I've been doing for the last several months since he got his visitation back. Basically when he requests something I just bite my tongue and as long as it's not against the order or my morals then I just do it. I'm trying to be the better person.

I copied my attorney on the emails and he wrote me back 'tell him to kiss my a$$'

So ... Lol of course I would never do that but that tells me that he is being ridiculous.

Fortunately we have been in front of this judge for years and she knows who causes the trouble and it isn't me.

It's funny when we were in mediation, the mediator said, he has a lot of demands for a parent who hasn't been allowed around his child in a few years...
I was told on many occasions that I was being too generous.

You know who I feel sorry for? The school. Lol they have to deal with his a$$ and his stupid demands. He bugs the teachers weekly. I try to just stay at a distance, I'm seen not heard... I know they have enough to deal with.

As far as if he Is paying child care, he pays CS but my state does not require that I use it for child care. If I do not need child care, I do not need it. It's more money to spend on her needs. This will allow me to start replenishing her college fund after spending it all on attorneys fees. Which is where his reimbursement of health insurance is supposed to go. I planned to throw every extra dime I can at her college fund, to get it back to where it was when I had to start using it for legal costs. $35k is a lot!! And he rarely had an attorney... So he has not spent near what I have spent in legal fees.

He's just a jerk and honestly I don't believe it's even him. I believe it's his wife... I always have. I liked the idea of saying, I would love to discuss this with you over the phone. That way I know who I am talking to.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2011 at 10:59PM
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Wow Myfam. Just wow.

I don't even have X as emergency contact. He's listed as her father, and then I have people who are 1) close to the school 2) would be able to get there at the drop of a hat listed as emergency contacts.

DD's grandparents aren't even listed, as they are not in the area. My DH's family members ARE because they ARE in the area. I figure, get someone DD knows over to her FIRST, and let the ADULTS get in touch with one another AFTER.

After all, only X and I are medically authorized anyway, and I signed that little paper at the beginning of the year saying "help my DD medically if necessary, you have my permission" so if she is hurt, she will be cared for at the discretion of the school/paramedics until her dad or I can be reached. Until that time, it makes sense to have the closest adult get there so they can contact us and be the liaison.

If that makes sense....

And I would imagine it is SM rather than X.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 1:14PM
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Just say ... as far as ROFR ... well next time you are sending MY DAUGHTER to YOUR Ex-husbands I would like ROFR.

and see who or what happens from there....

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 1:16PM
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Myfampg, you should just stop responding to this stupidity. First of all, the only things you "need to" do are the ones listed in the court order. Any other foolishness like you "need to" list SM as an emergency contact or you "need to" give SM ROFR should just be completely and totally ignored (saved as documentation, but not even responded to.)

I don't know if your X or SM are trying to bait you or if they are narcissists and are "feeding" on your reactions. Either way the same lack of response would be appropriate. That's what DH is doing with the "you need to send up spending money with SS" he's getting lately. Don't wrestle with the pig......

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 1:38PM
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Hmmmmm, $25 for everyday that sm watches your dd.... I'd be making out like a banshee! HAHA! Your ex and his wife are on crack for believing they can do as they please and force you to adhere to their demands. It's so sad that bd doesn't want to speak to his daughter unless she is there with him. What a jerk!

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 3:46PM
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"Now let me get this straight. If I can't pick up Dd from school, I'm supposed to call him so he can call his wife to pick her up?? Why can't my mom pick her up. If he isn't going to pick her up, how is that ROFR if his wife does it for him? And then he so kindly tells me it will be $25/ day to his wife for picking up for me."

Sorry---I know it's not funny to you---but this just cracked me up! His *demands* are so bizarre and out there, it's almost humorous.

I like your attorney's response! teehee.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 5:15PM
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Hey Love - lol I laughed too. I literally laughed out loud at my desk

Narcissist is exactly what she is. Not sure about him.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2011 at 7:15PM
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